Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I heard the steps down the hall, the loud bickering of Nina and Carl as they argued about something. The door jingled and a second later their noisy conversation spilled into the tiny apartment.

  “You’re an idiot, Carl. That’s all there is to it.”

  “Well, what does that make you? You married an idiot.” His words sounded off and I knew he’d been drinking.

  “It made me desperate.”

  “Hi, Nina. Carl.”

  “Ugh.” She grumbled her reply.

  She walked around the room and, just like every day, left a trail of clothes for me to pick up later. Behind me, I heard her bed protest under her weight as she sat down to take off the rest of the evidence of a long day’s work. Carl ignored me as always, falling onto his bed with a loud groan, and before I knew it, he was snoring.

  “Why isn’t your bed made?” Nina snapped.

  I winced on the inside knowing I’d forgotten something and wishing I’d taken that ten minutes to make sure everything was the way she liked it before she returned home.

  “I’m sorry, Nina. I—”

  “Dinner’s not ready either? What exactly did you do today?”

  “I went out.”

  “You went out? Where? How is that even possible?”

  “Mr. Metchler took me.”

  “Where does he get off taking you out?”

  “I asked him to.”

  “Don’t you think you should’ve run that by me first?”

  “Yes. I didn’t think you would care. I’m sorry.”

  “Exactly, you didn’t think. Where did he take you?”

  “Just to the park. I sat there and did my work.”

  “You can’t just go wherever you please, Araya. You have rules, limits.”

  “I was okay, Nina. I was careful.”

  “You’re missing the point. Like always.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why would you want to go to the park anyway? So you can tease yourself?”

  “No. It actually wasn’t that bad. I had a nice time. It was nice out today and it’s been so long since I’ve been out.”

  “Did anyone say anything to you?”

  “No. They barely noticed me. I did talk to a guy, though.”

  “A guy? What guy?”

  “His name was Ryland Dare.”

  “What? Are you sure that was his name?”

  “Yes.” Her sudden note of surprise confused me. “Why? Do you know him?”

  “No. What did he say to you?”

  “I got hit with a football. He came over to make sure I was okay.”

  “Nothing else?”

  I shook my head. I knew better than to tell her he asked me out. I was afraid she wouldn’t let me go back again and I really wanted to. I knew I wouldn’t see Ryland again, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to go back.

  “Couldn’t I go back if I made sure all my chores were done?”

  “All your chores should’ve been done this time. You got hit by a football, Araya. Why would you want to go back?”

  “It was an accident.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean maybe they took one look at your face and the fact that you just sat there and decided it would be fun to mess with you.”

  I frowned and I could feel the heat rising in my face. I touched the corners of my eyes. I knew what she was talking about, but I pretended I didn’t.

  “What’s wrong with my face?”

  “Don’t play stupid, Araya. You know perfectly well what’s wrong with your face. It’s… well it’s a disaster.”

  My cheeks grew hotter, but I refused to let her know her words hurt me.

  “I was wearing the sunglasses Grandpa Gabe gave me. They couldn’t see my face. The doctor said my scars weren’t that bad.”

  “Of course he’s going to tell you that. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

  “Why do you want to?” I demanded.

  I bit my lip. Sometimes it was hard to stay quiet

  “Don’t get smart with me, Araya Noelle! I’m doing you a favor. You want to be naive and foolish, thinking you can do whatever you want because some old man takes pity on you?”

  “I can’t stay locked up in this place forever, Nina. Who am I hurting by spending a few hours in the park a few days out of the week? Please let me go again.” I hated begging,

  “How are you going to get home? Metchler doesn’t always go back through the park.”

  “I can wait for Carl. He can pick me up on his way home from work.”

  “The hell I can,” Carl grumbled from his bed.

  I didn’t know when he’d woken up, but I wished he hadn’t.

  “By the time Carl gets off his shift, it’ll be late and dark.”

  I looked around the tiny apartment with its pitiful one-window view.

  “I’m always in the dark, Nina. I’ll survive.”

  She didn’t say anything for the longest time, and I held my breath until she spoke again.

  “The first time you mess up, Araya, we’re forgetting this whole idea. You still have to do your chores, including my dinner. Don’t forget that’s how you pay your way around here. You can’t do anything else.”

  As if I needed the reminder. “I promise, Nina!” I couldn’t contain the happiness in my voice. “Nothing will change.”

  “It better not,” she snapped. “Don’t forget about your work for Metchler either.”

  “I won’t!”

  “Get started on dinner.”

  While I cooked, I thought about Ryland. While I got ready for bed, I thought about Ryland some more. I didn’t even notice when Nina and Carl stepped out. When I lay down to sleep, I didn’t need the sounds from the nightlife to put me to sleep.

  I saw Ryland in my dreams. It was the first time I dreamt in a long time.

  Ryland

  Four

  I had probably paced back and forth about a hundred times now, looking at my watch and telling myself I was only going to wait ten more minutes for her and then I was leaving. And this time I meant it.

  I felt like an idiot after ten more minutes went by and I was still hanging around like a damn lovesick puppy. Was this the work of that bitch named Karma? Was I getting what was coming to me for all the times I stood up some poor, unsuspecting girl for no good reason?

  I leaned against the tree, trying to not make it obvious that I was waiting for a girl who was most likely not showing up.

  I scanned every female face in the park, wondering why I was so desperately holding on to the hope that she was still going to show up any minute now. Who cares if she didn’t? She was just one random chick, out of many random chicks, and if I left now I could still make use of the rest of my night with the cute little brunette I met last weekend.

  Another twenty minutes went by and I had yet to pull out my cell phone to make the call to the brunette, and if I were being honest with myself, I probably wouldn’t be any closer to making that call in another twenty minutes.

  There was only one girl I wanted to see tonight, and if I couldn’t see her, I wasn’t in the mood to see anybody. The only thing that kept me from leaving right now was the nagging thought that as soon as I left, she was going to show up. Maybe she was on the other side of the park, waiting for me. I would never know if I didn’t go check, but that led me back to my original dilemma.

  An hour and half came and went and I was good and angry. I stalked all the way to my car, not caring if I missed her this time or not. If she didn’t want to see me, screw it.

  I wasn’t going to wait around while she was off laughing somewhere at what a fool she turned me into. I slammed the car door and gripped the steering wheel. My knuckles turned white as I twisted my fingers back and forth. It took me five minutes to calm myself.

  As I pulled out of the parking lot, I told myself it was better this way. It was fate’s way of telling me that I shouldn’t be breaking my own rules.
If I were willing to break this rule, what else would I be willing to let slide? I didn’t need complications in my life right now, and as I told myself to forget about Araya the entire way home, I realized it was going to be harder than I thought.

  Araya

  Five

  “You got me a what?”

  I felt like the rug had just been pulled out from under me.

  “Have you gone deaf now?” Nina snapped. “I said I got you a tutor.”

  “But why? Why would you do that?” I cried, gripping the edge of my chair.

  I felt like this was some cruel joke. She was busy moving about the room, getting ready for work. She acted as if this were no big deal. Why was she doing this to me?

  “Don’t be so dramatic, Araya. This isn’t the end of the world. Besides, I thought you’d be happy about this. You’re the one who wants to spread your wings, be more independent.”

  “There’s a reason I didn’t finish school! That reason hasn’t changed, Nina.”

  “I’m reminded of that every day I take care of you.”

  What? She’s reminded about it?! Poor her!

  She hadn’t taken care of me a day since I got home from the hospital. She could go suck a… a… popsicle! It was the best I could come up with because my head was still spinning.

  “I don’t want a tutor, Nina.”

  “Well, you don’t have a choice, Araya. If I’m going to be stuck with you, you’re going to do what I say, and if you want to keep going to that park of yours, you won’t give me any more grief about.”

  In the background, I heard the zip of her skirt and the clank of her heels as she struggled to put them on standing upright.

  She was sentencing me to a prison of humiliation and failure with the threat of losing my freedom. I didn’t have a choice. It’s not like I could get up and leave. Sure, I was legally able to, but I couldn’t get around without her. I hated needing her, but I did, and because she knew that, she was forcing my arm.

  “When do I start?” I asked.

  Admitting defeat left me feeling weak.

  “Tomorrow. I’ll drop you off at their house first thing in the morning.”

  My eyes slid shut, but I wouldn’t cry. “Do they know about me?”

  “Her name is Cara, and yes, she knows about you. She’s excited to meet you.”

  “What about my work? When will I have time to do that?”

  “You probably won’t. This is a little more important.”

  Since when had my education been a top priority to her?

  “I can’t just quit. Mr. Metchler needs me.”

  “He’ll survive, Araya. It’s not like he can’t live without you. It will just have to be something you sacrifice for the greater good.”

  I frowned. None of this made sense. Nina was all about me earning my keep, and my personal needs had never interfered with that. Now all of sudden she was okay with me quitting my job and learning? Something wasn’t right, but I had no idea what she was doing, and that gave me an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  How much more was I going to have to sacrifice?

  ***

  I sat there in my bra and panties, waiting for Nina to finishing ironing my dress. I only owned two different dresses, so picking out what I was going to wear didn’t take long.

  I wanted to iron my dress myself, but she insisted she would do it so it would be done right. I was the one who ironed her clothes every day, so I don’t know why she suddenly thought I was incapable.

  I could only think about dresses and ironing for so long before there was nothing left to think about and my thoughts wandered to why any of this was needed in the first place. I woke up with my stomach in knots as nerves twisted my insides. I felt sick and I hated how worked up I was getting over this whole situation.

  I shifted nervously on the bed, wishing she’d hurry up so I’d have something to distract me. It didn’t take long for me to find that outlet in Ryland.

  I knew a part of my anxiousness lay in the fact that I agreed to meet him with no intention of showing up. At six o’clock the guilt had eaten up my appetite and I skipped dinner. I tried to ease that shame by telling myself he probably wouldn’t show anyway or maybe he’d forgotten, and then I secretly hoped that wasn’t true.

  “Lift your arms,” Nina ordered, pulling me from my thoughts.

  I sighed. “I can get dressed myself, Nina.”

  She was starting to freak me out.

  “I don’t want you to wrinkle your dress. Now lift your arms and stop giving me a hard time.”

  After I lifted them above my head, she slipped it over my head, chest, and fitted it to my waist. She tried to help me slip my arms in next, but she was only making it harder. It also didn’t help that the dress was one size too small for me now.

  “Help me out here, Araya,” she complained.

  “If you let me do it myself, it’ll be easier.”

  “Fine. Do it yourself.” Her hands dropped away and I tugged the sleeves up my arms.

  When I finally got the snug-fitting dress in place, I had the joy of barely being able to breathe, in order for her to zip it up. I could breathe, but if I held it in too long I’d probably pass out.

  Looking down, I touched the low, rounded neckline. I was nearly spilling out of the dress as it clung to the curves that I’d somehow developed without my knowledge. I ran my hands down my narrow waist and over the flare of my hips and looked up.

  “Maybe I should wear the other dress,” I told Nina, feeling self-conscious.

  “Why?”

  “Don’t you think… it’s kind of small?”

  “It’s fine. Besides, the other dress is the same size. Here, brush your hair.” She shoved the brush in my hands.

  Once I was done, she dabbed a drop of her perfume on my neck and wrists. I must have had a weird look on my face because she snapped. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, it’s just…” I lost my nerve. “Nothing.”

  What I didn’t say was that she’d never treated me like this before. Although the artificial fruity smell wasn’t to my liking, this was the first time I felt she treated me like a niece rather than a burden.

  “Part your lips.”

  If she had told me there was a cat tap dancing behind me, I wouldn’t have been more surprised.

  I pulled my head back and frowned. “Why?”

  “Do you have to question everything I tell you to do, Araya?” she snapped. “Just do it! We’re going to be late.”

  I parted my lips and sat there while she smeared a sticky layer of moisture over them. The scent of something sweet filled my nose. The smell was distantly familiar, but I had a hard time figuring it out. I frowned.

  “Is all of this necessary, Nina?” I didn’t understand why she was going overboard with my appearance.

  She sighed impatiently. “Yes! No more questions!”

  “I thought you said she was in high school?”

  “I also said no more questions!”

  “I just don’t think she’ll care if I’m wearing—”

  “Roll your lips,” Nina ordered.

  “What?”

  “To even out the lip-gloss, roll your lips.” She sighed impatiently.

  I rolled my lips together from front to back, smoothing out the lip-gloss, and I could taste the artificial flavor.

  “What’s the flavor?”

  “Sugar cookies.”

  “Doesn’t seem like a flavor you would use.”

  “The girl at the store said it was a favorite.”

  I wanted to ask her more questions. For one: why would she go out of her way to buy me lip-gloss, but not a dress that actually fit me? I knew I was pushing my luck as it was, so I bit the inside of my cheek and swallowed my curiosity.

  It took another thirty minutes before we were downstairs waiting at the bus stop. I didn’t ride in cars anymore.

  Once we were on the bus, I stared out the window. The closer we got, the harder it got to keep
from throwing up. I was so nervous I could barely sit still. A couple of times I debated throwing myself out the doors when they opened for someone’s stop, but that thought terrified me even more than what I was about to face.

  It seemed like an eternity had gone by before Nina nudged me in the arm to let me know this was finally our stop. Apparently, the speed I took to get off the bus wasn’t fast enough for her, and she took my arm, pulling me off with her. I nearly missed one of the steps in her haste.

  “Where are we?” I asked.

  It had been over an hour since my last question and I figured I was due one.

  “The upper south side, Cherry Grove,” she replied absentmindedly.

  I’d never been on this side of town before. We were no longer in the city; that was for sure. The air seemed lighter, fresher. It filled my lungs, instantly clearing out the pollution from the city. It was quieter here too. There were no sounds of angry horns, blaring car alarms, or the roar of an overpowered engine.

  Nina navigated us in the direction we needed to go, and I tried not to be obvious as I dragged my feet. As we walked down the sidewalk, tall trees shaded me, making me feel small. Every now and then, the curious bark of a dog would send off a chain reaction of the rest of neighborhood dogs.

  “It’s just a few more houses down. Stop walking so slow, Araya.”

  She tugged me along with her, and I had no choice but to speed up or be dragged along.

  I attempted one last try to get out of this.

  “I don’t understand why I have to do this. How is this going to work?”

  “You listen; you learn; you do what she tells you to do. It’s not going to hurt you to make a friend, Araya.”

  Where was that logic during the last three years? It’s not like she made it easy for me.

  “She’s close to your age, so you’ll have things in common.”

  I wanted to ask her what she possibly thought we’d have in common, but she turned us in a different direction, announcing we were here. I suppressed the urge to turn around and run and never look back.