Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I give her knee a squeeze and say, “Don’t be.”

  Seeing the unconvincing grin on her face, I decide to just let her be for the rest of the drive. When we arrive, I park the car and walk around to open her door. She’s not quick to get out, so I take her hands to help her down, encouraging, “Don’t be so nervous. Just relax.”

  I laugh under my breath as I watch her fidgeting with the skirt of her dress, smoothing it down.

  “Why are you laughing at me?”

  “Because I’ve never seen you so wound up before.”

  I take her hand and start walking her to the front door, but when she tugs back and stops, I turn to hear her say, “Ryan . . . I don’t do well around a lot of people.”

  I try to coax her with my words, telling her, “My family will love you, but if you feel that uncomfortable, we can go. Just say the word.”

  “No, I want to meet them, I’m just . . .”

  “Hey, I’m right here. No worries, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Holding her hand, I lead her inside as two of my nephews run through the entryway, chasing each other. I laugh and walk her back to the kitchen.

  “Finally, you made it,” my mom says excitedly and rushes over to hug me, but I keep my grip on Candace.

  “Mom, this is Candace,” I introduce, and my mom pulls her in for a hug as well.

  “I’m so glad to finally meet you, dear,” my mom tells her, and she’s not even trying to hide that she’s thrilled with the fact that I brought a girl home and she isn’t some barfly.

  My Aunt Carol brings me in for a hug, excited to see me, and before I know it, the kids all start flooding into the kitchen, screaming my name. I spot Sophie, one of my nieces, and pick her up as Tori and my other cousins’ husbands come in to say hi. Tori and my other cousin, Jenna, give me curious looks, and I try to ignore them, knowing they are just waiting to start digging into my business about Candace. I told my mom to discreetly tell my cousins to keep a tight lip so they don’t embarrass Candace, but I know Jenna and Katie, and those chicks are nosey.

  When Sophie starts poking her finger in my ear, I catch Bailey, toddling over to me. Bending down, I scoop her up in my other arm, ravishing her neck with playful kisses as she squeals and giggles.

  “You weren’t kidding,” Tori whispers to me as my cousin, Jenna, comes over to take Sophie out of my arms.

  “What?” I question, trying to keep my voice under my breath.

  She laughs, “She’s way out of your league.”

  “Thanks,” I say with mockery.

  “You know I’m teasing. She’s just . . . polished.”

  “Tell the girls not to interrogate her.”

  “Donna already said something, but you know how Katie is.”

  “Where is she by the way?” I ask.

  “Upstairs with Maddie. She had an upset stomach earlier.”

  “My room?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why is my room always the hot spot for everyone’s spawn when they get sick?” I joke and then turn to look at Candace, but she’s no longer in the kitchen, and I quickly realize, that in the madness of saying hi, I left her alone.

  “Mom, where’s Candace?” I ask.

  ‘Ladies’ room,’ she mouths to me, and I walk down the hall to wait for her, feeling bad, and wondering if all that was too much for her. Who am I kidding? Of course it was. My family is big and loud, and Candace doesn’t even like being in a crowded coffee shop.

  When she doesn’t come out after a few minutes, I gently knock on the door.

  “Everything okay?” I ask as she opens the door. “When I looked up you were gone.”

  “Yeah, just needed a moment to myself.”

  “Sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay. I’m just not used to . . .”

  “I know.” I see that she’s a bit rattled, so I step closer to her and run my hands down her arms. “Do you need a few more minutes?”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  When we walk back into the kitchen, the kids are watching their movie, and the chaos has dissipated. I pour her a glass of wine, and hand it to her, whispering, “Come on,” in her ear. I lead her through the house, showing her around as I take her to one of the back rooms that looks out over the water.

  We’re alone, and it’s quiet as we stand in front of the large picture window.

  “Better?” I ask, and she smiles as she looks at me.

  “I guess I didn’t realize how big your family actually is. I mean, you’ve told me, but . . .”

  “It can be a lot,” I tell her. Having twenty of us here can be overwhelming. It’s more the women and kids. The guys are always laying low, trying to dodge the madness.

  “This is a great view,” she says. “Have you always lived here?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Small town.”

  “You have no idea,” I say with a hint of humor. “I used to spend most of my time in Seaside or Astoria. That’s where Tori’s from.”

  “Is there even a school here?” she asks with a huge smile, finding it funny. Not a whole lot of people are permanent residents of this area. It’s mostly vacation rentals, but we’re one of the few that actually call it home.

  “No,” I tell her. “The schools are in Seaside, but I went to private school.”

  “Me too.”

  We chat for a few more minutes, and when she seems more at ease, we head back. Tori and Jenna are sitting in the dining room when we pass through.

  “Candace, come join us,” Tori offers, and when Candace hesitates, I tell her it’s fine, letting her know that I’ll be in the other room with my mom. I know Tori is curious about her, and I also trust her enough to know Candace will be fine.

  I find my mom in the kitchen, working on dinner. It’s just the two of us, and she stops what she’s doing as we lean against the counter and talk.

  “How did this morning go with the kids?” I ask, a little bummed that I wasn’t here.

  “Anarchic,” she laughs.

  “I bet.”

  “They missed you.”

  “I have all their presents outside,” I tell her. “We can open them later.”

  She takes a sip from her glass of water, and then asks, “Where’s Candace?”

  “Dining room with Tor and Jenna.”

  She nods her head with a smile, and I know she’s biting her tongue, so I tell her, “Just say it.”

  “What?”

  “Whatever it is that has you looking at me like that, Mom.”

  When she sets her glass down on the counter, she reveals, “She’s different than I was expecting.”

  “How so?”

  “Just . . . different.” When I narrow my eyes at her, she grins and assures, “It’s a good thing, dear. Relax,” before patting my arm a couple of times and walking away.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Dining room to visit with the girls.”

  I let her have her time with Candace, even though I feel like I want to go in there and check on her. But I don’t. Instead I busy myself with Connor, helping him out with a puzzle on the floor. When I look up, I see my mom and Candace passing through the kitchen. She catches my eye, and I give her a small half grin as they walk through, heading to the study. I like seeing her here, with my mom, in my familiar surroundings, mixed in with my family.

  ***

  Candace is now in the kitchen, helping Mom cook while I drink a beer and hang out with the guys. I can’t keep my eyes off of her as I watch her laughing with my mom while they get everything ready for dinner, and I know instantly that I want to see this again. Have her here again.

  She makes me nervous because she has this power about her that is dragging emotions out of me when no one in the past has been able to. She has no clue what she’s doing to me, and that’s a scary thing when I think about admitting how I’m feeling about her.

  After a while, I unload the gifts and let the kids open everything. My mom was right—
they’re much crazier than they were last year, but they’re another year older, and I’m sure next year will be even wilder. Candace sits on the couch with Tori while they laugh at me being overtaken by the little ones.

  When dinner is done, Candace excuses herself to go upstairs to relieve Katie from mommy duties. Her daughter, Maddie, hasn’t been feeling well all day, and Candace told me that she needed some quiet time, so she’s up in my room with Maddie, and Katie is finally getting to eat dinner.

  My aunts are cleaning up, Jenna and the guys are getting all the kids ready for bed, and Tori and I band off into the study to talk.

  “I got a job,” she tells me as we sit down.

  “What made you decide to go back to work?”

  “After you and I talked this summer, I decided to just be honest with Trevor. Told him pretty much what I told you,” she says. “He suggested the same thing. Thought I should get out of the house, get back into a routine. So I called my old boss, and it was as easy as that.”

  “When do you start?” I ask.

  “Second week in January,” she says with a little uncertainty.

  “You ready to leave Connor and Bailey?”

  “Yes and no.” Tori is a great mom and is very attached to her kids, so it makes sense that this transition would be hard for her since she’s been a stay-at-home mom for the past four years.

  “It’ll be fine,” I say. “So you and Trevor are on the same page?”

  “He never got off track. It was me. I think I’ve been miserable because I’ve been lost. I wasn’t doing anything about it, and it made me start questioning everything. But he’s supportive. Always has been. He just had no clue how I was feeling. Once I was honest with him, things started to change. So yeah, we’re good.”

  “Good.”

  “What about you?” she questions.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, not understanding what she’s asking.

  “Being honest,” she starts, “Candace told me that she thinks you brought her here because you feel sorry for her.”

  “She said that?” I feel horrible that she would even think that.

  Tori nods her head and then questions, “How long do you plan on avoiding telling her how you feel?”

  Letting out a deep breath, I tell her, “She makes me nervous.” When Tori smiles, I say, “I’m glad you’re enjoying my discomfort.”

  “I’m just enjoying seeing a girl have this effect on you,” she admits before she stands up. “I’m heading to bed, but for what it’s worth, I really like her.”

  I follow her out, and the house is quiet. I see my mom in the kitchen, turning everything off.

  “You going to bed?” I ask her.

  “Yes. It’s getting late. Is Candace still upstairs?”

  “Yeah, I’m gonna go up there and get her. I think we’ll just crash down here and let Maddie take my bed.”

  “Well, tell her that I’ll see her in the morning, will you?”

  “Okay, Mom.”

  We say good night, and I go to the hall closet to pull out some blankets and pillows. I toss everything on the floor, making a makeshift bed for me to sleep on and lay out a blanket and pillow on the couch for Candace. We had planned on her taking my room, but since Maddie is sick, I figure this is a fair alternative.

  I pick up Candace’s bag and head upstairs to my room. Quietly, I open the door to see Maddie passed out, lying on top of Candace. When she rolls her head to the side and looks at me, I walk in and laugh. “Are you stuck under Maddie?”

  “I didn’t want to move and wake her up. What time is it?” she asks.

  “Past eleven. Everyone has gone to bed. I told Katie that I would check on you and Maddie.”

  “I wanted to thank your mother before she went to bed.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Here’s your bag,” I tell her as I set it next to the bed. “I made a big pallet of blankets and pillows downstairs in the living room. Since Maddie is in my room, we’re just going to sleep down there. We can watch a movie or something if you want.”

  “Oh . . . umm . . .” she stutters, and I know she’s uncomfortable with the change in plans.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll take the floor, and you can have the couch.” I walk over to my dresser to pull out a pair of pajama pants for myself and let her know, “I’ll be downstairs. You can use my bathroom to change,” before walking out and heading back down.

  It doesn’t take too long before Candace is walking down in a black sleeveless top and a pair of pajama pants. She has no clue how sexy she looks right now, and I have to look away. I open the fridge to grab a bottle of water.

  “You mind if I take the floor?” she asks.

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah. It looks more comfortable anyway.”

  “Okay.”

  She sits down and slides herself under the pile of blankets as I walk over and sit next to her. The thought of sleeping, even in the same room as her, has me on edge. It’s like dangling a piece of meat in front of a starved animal. It’s life’s sick revenge for taking things way too easily and now making me restrain myself in the worst way possible because I’ve never wanted anything more.

  “TCM?” I ask as I flick on the TV.

  “It’s all we ever watch,” she teases, and I like it. “Why switch now?”

  “I think you’re starting to like my movies.”

  “Maybe.”

  We sit back and start watching a movie before I ask her, “Were you okay today?”

  “I was. You’re really lucky; you have a great family.”

  “Well, everyone really likes you, especially my mom.”

  “She’s really nice. We had some time to visit earlier.”

  She starts to grow tired as she inches herself under the covers and lays her head on the pillow by my side. When I look down at her, she has her eyes closed. Knowing she’s still awake, I don’t let that stop me from running my fingers through her hair.

  I continue to do this as I zone out on the TV. My mind can’t even focus, and when I hear her breathing steady, I slip my hand under her head and gently move her to my lap. When I do this, she unconsciously wraps her one arm around my waist, and with greed, I savor the contact.

  She seemed to enjoy herself today, and I’m grateful that I was able to give this to her since yesterday went horribly wrong, having to walk away from the only blood family she knows. The reactions she sparks in me are intense, and I know I need to heed Tori’s advice and be honest with her—soon. But I take this moment and just relish her being so close to me.

  I don’t want to fall asleep, but when my eyes grow too heavy for me to fight, I reluctantly slip myself out from underneath her, laying her head back down on the pillow, and find myself alone on the couch. I lie there, across the room, the only hint of light coming from the last sparks of fire in the fireplace. It’s enough of a glow that I can still watch her, so that’s what I do—I watch her as she sleeps until I finally drift off.

  Chapter Twenty

  My eyes shoot open when I hear a hard gasp of air. Candace is panicked, trying to catch her breath as her body thrashes awake. I lurch off of the couch, and I’m by her side in an instant, pulling her into my arms.

  “You okay?”

  Her body is stiff with tension as she shakes under my hold.

  “What happened, babe?”

  “Bad dream,” she quietly whispers through her erratic breaths.

  “Slow your breathing down, okay?” I tell her as I hold her against my chest. I’m slightly disoriented, still in a haze as my head catches up to my body’s sudden alertness. When she wraps her arms around my waist, I begin to rub her back, trying to soothe her from her nightmare. She scared the shit out of me, yanking me out of a deep sleep.

  I can start to feel her breathing slow down, and when it does, I ask, “Wanna talk about it?” curious as to what she was dreaming about that caused her that much panic.

  She shakes her head no against me, and I keep her folded in my arm
s as I lower us down and pull the blankets over us. Face to face, her eyes shift up to mine. I have her tucked tightly to me as she begins to get her breathing under control and relaxes. I don’t want to think about what’s in her head that’s clearly tormenting her because looking at her as she peers up at me with her hazel eyes is all I want to focus on. I can’t read her expression, but right now, I try not to decode her. I just take her in. I feel the build-up beating inside of me, and I can’t keep it in any longer.

  I want her.

  I run my hand over her forehead and down to her cheek where I keep it. I study every detail about her, and her breathing increases slightly along with mine. I know she feels it. Feels what I want. I don’t even need to say anything because the attraction is that palpable. Her brow twitches when she slides her small hand over my cheek and rests it there. Wrapped up in each other—close—I scan her face for a sign. Permission. For anything that tells me this is okay.

  I can tell she’s scared. I can tell she doesn’t know if she wants this—wants me. God, I just want to kiss her. But more than that, I want her to kiss me. I want her to want it as badly as I do, and when my eyes find hers again, she gives me the slightest nod of her head, and I’ve never felt so relieved in my life.

  She wants me.

  Knowing that I’ll want more than she’ll give me, I move slow, needing this to last for as long as she’ll let it. Her eyes fall shut and she begins to tremble. I hate that she’s scared of this when it feels so right to me, but I’m determined to take her apprehension about this away as I softly press my lips to hers.

  I’m gone. I knew I would be.

  My heart thuds hard as I tighten my grip on her, needing her as close to me as I can get her. I kiss her slowly, and when she finally relaxes and begins to move her lips with mine, I take more. I can’t help myself. I drag my tongue across her lip, smooth, soft. She’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted. Threading my hand in her hair, pressing her body into mine, she wraps her hands up from underneath my arms and braces them tightly on my shoulders.

  A soft whimper breaks from her, but she never takes her lips from mine. She has me, and I’m fuckin’ lost in her right now. I’ve never had the ties of emotion with a girl, so to say this one has me bound would be an understatement. What she gives me is something I never even knew I needed, so I never even looked for it.