Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  On the elevator ride up, I take some deep breaths, and calm myself before I knock on the door. When Jase opens it, he immediately tells me, “Man, it’s not a good time.”

  But I don’t care. I just want her. “Where is she?” I ask as I move past him and start walking to his bedroom when I see she isn’t in his living room.

  “Ryan, just give her space,” he yells out to me, but I don’t even acknowledge him when I open the door to his room and see my girl sitting on the edge of the bed sobbing.

  The sight of her slows me down—stops me. She looks up, and her face is soaked with tears. I feel like the slightest move on my part could snap her, so I gently shut the door behind me and walk over, kneeling on the ground in front of her. I brace my hands on her knees, and I’m at a loss with her. Confused. But she doesn’t let me dwell on it when she opens her mouth and begins to cry out, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m . . .”

  I reach my arm behind her back and drag her off of the bed and onto my lap. “What happened, babe?”

  “I’m so sorry,” she continues to say with her hands masking her face.

  I hold on to her while she cries, and I’m desperate for answers. Wrapping my hands around her wrists, I move her hands from her face so I can see her. I hate that she’s hiding from me. “I need you to talk to me.”

  She avoids my eyes when she tries explaining, “I just . . . I got myself too worked up and had a panic attack. I know you wanted me there tonight, but I couldn’t.”

  She’s still hiding from me, and I’m unsure of how much I should push the issue, so I simply ask, “Why couldn’t you just tell me?”

  “I was embarrassed,” she says when she finally looks at me. “This has happened a few times in the past, but only Jase knows that I have these.”

  My gut is telling me not to believe her. That she’s lying to me. But hearing the pain in her words makes the lie okay in a way. She’s not opening up to me, and I need her to so badly. Have her trust me. Have her run to me instead of Jase. So I tell her that because I don’t know what else to say to her.

  “You could’ve come to me. Jase isn’t the only one you have, you know? I need you to trust me enough to talk to me. I understand you and Jase, but I know how I feel about you.” I tell her this because watching her run away from me like she did hurt. Like I’m not enough for her to want me like that, and I need her to, for me.

  “I want you to need me more than him,” I finally tell her, hoping I didn’t just sound like an ass for saying it, but I have to say it.

  “He’s all I’ve ever had.”

  When she says this, I know I have a lot to prove to this girl who clearly doesn’t trust so easily. I take her hand and press it against my chest, needing her to know how serious I am when I say, “You have me now too.”

  I know my words get through to her when she fists my shirt in her hand and slings her other arm around my neck, hugging me close. I feel her tears running down my neck as I hold on to her, so I sit here with her on the floor until she calms down and relaxes under my arms.

  Brushing her hair behind her shoulder, I kiss her below her ear before whispering, “Let’s go home.”

  She pulls back and looks up at me. I wipe her cheeks and cup her face in my hands when she says, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  Hearing those selfless words does something to me. And I’m becoming more aware, every day that I have with her, just how much I’m feeling for her.

  I press my lips against hers because I don’t know how to respond to her words. So I kiss her, but I don’t move, I just take in the warmth of her lips against mine, and it’s all I need right now. This is enough.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Coming back to my place, Candace is still being very quiet, but I’m not saying much either. I watch as she walks up to my room, and I give her some space while I grab a beer from the fridge. When I do head upstairs, she’s in the bathroom with the door shut, taking a shower. I’m noticing that she takes a lot of those, but figure that right now, she probably wants to be left alone.

  I go back downstairs and flop down on the couch, mindlessly flipping through the channels before stopping on ESPN. I can’t even focus because my head is still upstairs with Candace. I keep replaying what I saw from Michael’s office over and over until I hear the creak of the wooden floor. Turning around, I see her standing at the foot of the stairs. As I walk over to her, I can see she’s tired.

  “You need anything?” I ask, and she shakes her head.

  We walk over to the couch, and she lays her head against me as we sit here. Neither one of us says anything. I know she’s embarrassed about what I saw, so I don’t mention another word about it.

  After watching the football highlights and catching the score updates, I say, “Let’s go lie down.”

  Shutting everything off, we head upstairs and crawl into bed. I pull her onto her side, facing me, and hold her close. Her eyes are closed, and I’m sure she’s tired, but I lean down anyway and brush my lips across hers, wanting to be close to her. She reaches up and runs her hand along my jaw as she moves with me. We lie there, no words, in the darkness, as we continue to kiss, and after a while, she shifts down on me, resting her head on my chest and falls asleep.

  She keeps me up though. Her sleep grows restless, and I watch her as she begins to tremble. I rub her back, wondering, yet again, what’s running through her head. She had a night like this just the other day, but I didn’t say anything to her about it when she woke up. My need to comfort her overwhelms me, and I want to take her out of the dream that’s haunting her.

  I add pressure as I continue to rub her back, trying to wake her subtly, but she startles me when she springs out of her sleep, choking in a hard gasp as she abruptly sits up. I’m up next to her, holding on to her shoulders while her whole body shakes.

  “Hey,” I whisper. “Are you okay?”

  Nodding her head, she takes in a deep breath and holds it for a second before slowly releasing it.

  “Come here,” I urge as I lay her back down with me, and she snuggles in close. Smoothing her hair back, I kiss her forehead. “Talk to me,” I say on a hush.

  “I’m okay,” she tries to assure me.

  “Babe . . .”

  “I think I’m just stressed. That’s’ all.”

  “About what?” I ask.

  “School. Dance,” she says. Those seem to always be her go-to excuses for a lot of things, and I know she hides behind them. Uses them to distract her.

  “You wanna talk about it?”

  “Not really,” she responds as she weaves her legs with mine.

  Looking into her eyes, I encourage, “I want you to talk to me. I know something is bothering you, and I want you to talk to me about it.”

  She doesn’t speak. I can tell that she’s trying to think of something to say, but nothing comes, so I give her an out and tell her, “I just want you to try.”

  Nodding her head, she closes her eyes and after a while, she falls into another fit of sleep, keeping me up most of the night.

  ***

  When I wake up, Candace is sound asleep, so I slip out of bed and let her rest since I know she didn’t get much sleep last night. Looking down at her, she finally looks peaceful. Everything about her is soft and relaxed.

  I head downstairs to grab a cup of coffee as my phone begins to ring. It’s Sunday morning, so I know it’s my mom. We talk for a while until I hear Candace walking down the stairs.

  “Hey, Mom. Candace just woke up, so I’m gonna let you go.”

  “Let me say a quick hi,” she says, and I know she’s wanting to try to get to know her.

  “Hold on,” I tell her and then look up at Candace as I hold the phone out to her, mouthing, ‘My mom.’

  Probably feeling a little awkward, she takes the phone anyway, saying, “Hi, Donna.”

  I listen to Candace talking with my mom while I make her a cup of coffee. She talks about the solo that she’s been piecing together fo
r her audition next month. Walking over to her sitting on my couch, I hand her the coffee. She seems comfortable talking with my mom, and I like that she can have this with her, even if it is a random phone call. Both of these women are important to me, and to see Candace laughing at something my mom must have just said makes me feel like whatever it is that Candace and I are moving towards could be something special.

  “What did she have to say?” I ask when she hangs up and hands me the phone.

  “Just wanted to know what I had been up to,” she says and then takes a sip of her coffee. “She’s really nice.”

  We sit back and get comfortable when she starts, “Ryan . . .”

  “Yeah?” I say as I slide my arm around her.

  “Nothing,” she mumbles, dismissing whatever was running through her head.

  “Don’t say ‘nothing,’” I tell her, and when I do, she wraps her hand behind my neck and moves me in for a kiss before she nuzzles her head under my chin. Her instinct to avoid is strong, and I try not to question it because I’ve spent my whole life avoiding. I think about what my mom told me about not trying to break down her walls. Taking her advice, I don’t pry. I’m gonna be what I think she needs so that she’ll want to open up to me. I need her to want to do that for me.

  ***

  Got out of class early. You home?

  Yeah. Door is unlocked.

  Classes at the university started back up this week, and I’m getting to see how busy Candace actually is with her dancing. She wasn’t kidding when she told me that she lives in the studio. With her busy schedule, I’ve been trying to get most of my work done while she’s in class so I can free up my time at night when she’s typically not busy, unless she’s working.

  “Ryan?” I hear Candace call out when she gets here.

  “Back in my office.”

  She taps on the door before walking in.

  “Hey, babe. Come here.”

  She walks around my desk, and I reach out to pull her onto my lap. Brushing the hair off her shoulder, I ask, “How were your classes today?”

  “Uneventful, but it’s only the first week,” she tells me. “Nothing but going over the syllabus for the most part.”

  “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve missed you,” I say and then bring her head down so I can kiss her. She looks good in her jeans and fitted sweater. She’s always so pulled together, even when she wears her old college t-shirts. She always has a polished look about her that I find really attractive.

  “So, don’t be mad, but . . .”

  “Oh, God,” I interrupt because it sounds like she’s up to something that I would be mad at.

  “Just listen,” she says as she pokes me in the ribs. “When I was on campus today I ran into Stacy Keets who works at the Henry Art Gallery. She was telling me that one of her pieces got picked up for a gallery show next month.”

  “So, you want to go?”

  “Yes, but I was thinking that you could submit one of your photos.”

  There’s the kicker. “Babe,” I say as I shake my head. “Those are just a hobby that I hardly even take seriously. I’m far from having them displayed in a gallery of all places.”

  She rolls her eyes at me, dismissing my words when she says, “Well, I happen to love the few photos I’ve seen. They’re a lot better than you think they are.”

  “You’re cute,” I tease. The fact that she can view those pictures as something worthy of being displayed as art is a bit far-fetched for me.

  “I’m serious, I think that you should at least submit something and see if it gets accepted. If not, nothing lost, right?”

  “And if they are?”

  A smile crosses her face as she says, “Then you can take me as your date for the showing.”

  “If I say I’ll think about it, will that suffice?” I ask, but truth is, I’d take this girl anywhere for a date, so if that means submitting a few pictures, I’ll do it.

  “Yep.” She looks like a kid who just convinced her parents to buy her an ice cream, and I can’t help myself when I bury my head in her neck and start playfully ravishing it, knowing how ticklish she is in the spot I’m nipping. She squirms, laughing hysterically as she tries to wriggle her way off of my lap, and when she finally manages, she catches her breath and says, “Show me all your photos so I can pick out the ones for you to consider submitting.”

  Clearly I don’t get any input in her little mission. Sliding the door to my credenza open, I pull out the stack of mattes and hand them to her.

  “Here, boss,” I say with a wink.

  When she turns to head out into the living room, I follow and offer, “Want something to drink?”

  “Yeah, anything hot.”

  I begin to heat up some water and pull down the tea she likes. She’s been spending more time here, so we took a trip to the store, that way I could have some of her staples here at the loft. I love seeing pieces of her in my home, even if it’s as simple as a canister of her Harrods Ceylon tea that she brought over the other day. As I dip the tea bag in the mug, I look up, and she has the mattes lying facedown on the coffee table.

  “I’ll be right back,” she mumbles before rushing off to the bathroom.

  Shit. She hadn’t seen all the photos before, and I can only assume that she didn’t like what she saw. They’re mostly nudes, but she had to have known that by the few she had already seen.

  I give her a few minutes, but when she doesn’t come back out, I give the door a light knock.

  “What are you doing?” I ask suspiciously, even though I have a pretty solid idea as I step into the bathroom with her. When I take a step toward her, she takes a step back, keeping the distance, and the gesture irritates me. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” She’s being evasive, and I wish she would just be honest with me.

  I drop my head and let out a deep breath, trying to control my frustration with her.

  “Is it the photos?” I ask, already knowing the answer, but I feel like I need to spell it out for her because I know how much she likes to avoid talking when she’s uncomfortable.

  She doesn’t answer, but her brows are scrunched with worry, and it’s all the confirmation I need.

  “Candace, you asked to see them. You knew what they would be of.”

  “I know,” she admits as she lowers her head and looks at the floor. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think they would all be like that.”

  Leaning against the sink, I cross my arms around my chest. I hate that I feel like I have to explain myself when I’ve been nothing but open with her, but I do it anyway. “They’re just pictures, that’s all.”

  She takes a seat on top of the toilet lid and says, “But . . . they just seem so intimate.”

  “Babe, don’t.” I drop my arms, hating that she feels this way because she’s got it reversed. There was nothing intimate when I took those photos. I have no connection to them.

  She looks up at me, and I see the hesitation in her eyes when she quietly asks, “Did you sleep with them?”

  “Yes.” I respond immediately, not wanting to bullshit her. Wanting to be completely transparent with her the way I wish she would be with me.

  “How many have you . . .?”

  “A lot.”

  “And you photograph them?” Her words are laced with disbelief, and she’s got it all wrong, so I try to explain it to her.

  “No. I’ve only photographed a couple of women. Most of those photos are the same person.”

  “Oh.” Dropping her head, she tries hiding her insecurities that I can see right through. She’s so opposite of what I know she is comparing herself to. She’s modest and private. It’s been three weeks since Christmas and she’s never let me touch her, see her, anything.

  Kneeling down in front of her, I grip her thighs and speak firmly when I say, “I know what you’re doing, and you can stop. None of them meant what you mean to me. I never had or wanted a relationship with them.”

  “Then why?” she tries
to argue, and I can’t stand seeing her doubt herself, doubt me.

  I take her hands in mine, holding them, when I look into her eyes and give her another piece of me that only she gets to have. “Because for most of my life I’ve been lost,” I confess. “I dealt with a lot of shit growing up, and I used women as a way to escape. But when I met you . . . you’re just different. I wanted to know you, really know you. You’re nothing like those women. Nothing. I’ve never looked at them or wanted them the way I do you.”

  “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she says, unsure of herself, but I feel the same way, so I tell her.

  “I don’t either.”

  “I mean . . . I haven’t . . .”

  “Been with anyone?” I ask, my words slipping out, wondering if that’s why she’s moving so slowly with me.

  I know I’ve embarrassed her when she covers her face and doesn’t say anything, but I’m not appeasing her this time by letting her avoid me. I need her to start talking and stop being afraid that I’m gonna judge her.

  Grabbing on to her hips, I pull her down onto my lap, taking her hands away from her face.

  “Talk to me.”

  She takes a moment before she finally exposes a part of herself to me. “Only once, but he was really drunk and it . . . well, it was pretty much over before it began.”

  God, this chick is practically a virgin, and the thought of some guy using her gets under my skin. Shit, just the thought of any guy, other than me, touching her makes me jealous as hell.

  “Sounds like an asshole.”

  “He was,” she responds. “But it kept my parents off my back. They really liked him and his family, so we would go out every now and then, but that was about it. So, I can’t help but sometimes wonder what you’re doing with me.”

  “Look at me,” I demand because I hate that she would belittle herself for even a second. “I don’t give a shit how inexperienced you are. In fact, I prefer that because the thought of another guy touching you pisses me off. That guy was a dick for treating you like you were disposable. But don’t devalue yourself because of that. I won’t rush you into anything. You know that, right?”