Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “What’s so funny?” she asks with a grin of her own.

  “I have something else for you.”

  “Besides the necklace?”

  “Besides the necklace,” I say.

  She squints her eyes at me, and I defend, “I promise, you’re gonna like this better. It’s not a trinket.”

  That smile of hers grows and she sits up, clutching the sheet to keep herself covered, and her modesty is adorable. Leaning over, I open the drawer to my nightstand and then hand it over to her.

  “I don’t know what to say,” she says as she keeps her eyes on the Hop N Bounce box, which holds the deflated ball.

  “I have a pump out in the garage if you wanna take it for a spin around the living room,” I tease.

  Setting the box down on the bed, she crawls to me, sheet still clung around her, and gives me a kiss.

  “You’ll never know how much I love you.”

  ***

  After spending most of the morning in bed with Candace, I decided to run into work so that I can take the night off. Candace called Jase and went to spend the afternoon with him and Mark. I told her I’d be back at the loft around six tonight, but that quickly changed when one of our vendors stopped by today with a shipment only to inform me that the bar is now on COD with them. When I started digging through the backlogged bills, I discovered that Michael has been missing payments.

  This is the second time this guy has fucked up, and I’m done. Walking into his office, the place is a disorganized disaster. Digging through his files, I find the ones that I need, and I spend the next few hours scouring through all of our various vendors’ invoices, checking them against the bank statements, and then having Mel double-check the inventory.

  I can’t be having things fall through the cracks like this. I need to seriously start thinking about what’s gonna happen to this bar if I wind up moving after Candace is done with school, but leaving it in Michael’s hands isn’t gonna happen. I need someone I can trust.

  “Max,” I call out while Mel and I are buried behind the bar as I help her check the last shipment.

  “Yeah, boss.”

  “Get Michael on the phone. Tell him to get his ass up here,” I shout over the band. I’ve been so busy, I didn’t even realize how late it is or that Mark is here with the guys, but they’re already on stage playing.

  “Ryan!” Max shouts, and the chaos around me right now is giving me a headache.

  “Did you get ahold of him?”

  “Yeah, he’s on his way, but Candace is on the phone. Line two,” he says.

  Making my way through the crowd, I run upstairs to take the call in my office where it’s quiet.

  “Babe, hey.”

  “Hey, I didn’t think you were going to be working this late,” she says, and I feel bad that I’m still stuck up here when all I want is to be home.

  I explain everything to her, stressed about the whole situation, as she listens and then let her know that I’ll be heading home in a bit. Hanging up the phone, I start getting my things together, and about five minutes later, Michael walks into my office.

  “Shit, that was fast,” I say.

  “I was on my way up here when Max called. What’s up? You leaving?” he asks as he stands there watching me.

  “Yeah, but we need to talk,” I say as I take a seat, and he follows suit. “I found out today that invoices haven’t been getting paid. Never, in the six years I’ve owned this place, have we missed a payment, and now we’re on COD with one of our vendors.”

  “Ryan—”

  “Look,” I say, interrupting him. “I’m gonna cut to the chase. This bar is my livelihood, and when shit starts going wrong, then that livelihood is compromised. Feelings aside, I gotta let you go, man. I can’t trust you to handle things up here when I’m not around, and that’s a problem for me.”

  “Ryan, man. Come on.”

  “Look, my ass is tired. Been up here all day trying to fix your mistakes, and I’m ready to go home,” I tell him as I grab my coat and leave. My stress is through the roof, and I don’t have time to dick around with this guy.

  I find Max when I get downstairs.

  “Hey, I need to talk to you.”

  “What’s going on?” he questions as we step into the back storage room.

  “I just fired Michael, so I want you to go up there and oversee him as he packs his shit up. Make sure we get his keys and everything—”

  “Hey, I got it covered. No worries.”

  “Thanks. I’m getting the hell out of here. I’ll be back in the morning. There’s a stack of papers on top of my filing cabinet. Make sure he signs them before he leaves.”

  “Got it.”

  I don’t waste any more time, knowing that Max will handle the Michael situation, and I head home to my girl.

  ***

  Candace and I camped out downstairs with some wine and an old movie when I got home last night. We hadn’t done that in a while, so it was a perfect way to end the stressful day. I did manage to talk to her about trying to come to the bar again. I wasn’t sure if I was pushing too much, but I figured this morning would be a good time since it would only be the two of us. She took me by surprise when she said she would try. I know this isn’t easy for her, and while I’m in the kitchen fixing her a coffee to take with us, I watch her sitting on the couch, wringing her hands together. She’s a nervous wreck. I walk over and hand her the coffee, telling her, “Babe, you don’t have to do this if it’s causing you this much stress.”

  “I told you that I would try, so . . . I’ll try.”

  Holding my hand out, she takes it and we head to the bar. The morning is cold and the sky is dark with cloud cover. Candace is silent, and I keep my hand on her knee as I pull up and park along the curb in front of the building like I promised her.

  When I open her door, she finally snaps out of her zoned-out state and holds my hand as I help her out. We walk inside, and I show her around before I take her back to the stairs.

  “My office is up here,” I tell her as I lead her up.

  I keep my hold on her hand when I walk into Michael’s office to grab the papers I need. Taking a few steps into his office, she jerks around, stumbling over her feet and into me.

  “Babe?”

  “I want to go,” she says with her head down, and as I reach around her to quickly grab the file, I see what she saw and kick myself for not thinking beforehand that Michael’s office overlooks the back lot.

  I tuck her under my arm as I quickly pull her out and walk her down the hall to my office, tossing the file on my desk, and turning to hold her.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t think,” I say as she shakes under my arms—panicked.

  I back us up to the desk and lean against it as I pull her between my legs. She keeps her head on my chest, and I continue rubbing her back, trying to calm her down. She isn’t speaking. I know she’s trying hard to keep herself together, and all of a sudden, being here with her isn’t something I want to be doing anymore. I hate that this was the first place I ever saw her. I hate the visions that are starting to play back through my head.

  I hold her, but all I can see is her covered in blood and dirt, lying naked on the ground. My heart rate picks up as the guilt returns. I could have done so many things differently that night. If I would have just gone out there sooner . . .

  I focus back on Candace when she lifts her head. Keeping my focus on her before I get too consumed, I ask, “You okay?”

  She nods, placing her head back on my chest, saying, “I hate seeing that dumpster.” I hold her closer when she says this because I hate it too. I hate everything about that goddamn night. “It’s weird because I also love it in a messed up way. It’s all I had to focus on.”

  “I’m so sorry.” I think about what must have been going through her head, the sheer terror she must have felt, and my stomach begins to knot up.

  “When I dream about that night, it’s always taken away from me. There’s nothing to
distract me.”

  “I wish I knew his name.” I would find him and destroy him if given the chance. I would kill him for everything he took away from her.

  She looks up at me and cups my clenched jaw, lifting onto her toes, and planting a kiss on my lips. I pull her into me and take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Being here with her, I’m starting to feel like I’m lying, and the guilt is eating at me the longer we are here. I never thought that deciding not to tell her about who I am would make me feel like it is right now. Deceitful.

  I’m trying to keep the memories out of my head, but I can’t help the constant flashes I’m getting each time I close my eyes. I’m not sure I’ll ever stop hearing her pleading screams from that night. It’s a part of her that I’ll always have to bear, but it’ll never even come close to all that she has had to endure.

  I shift my thoughts because this is huge for her, and I need her to know that. I tell her how proud I am that she came up here with me, but I can tell she wants to leave, and honestly, so do I.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  I call Max as I drive to see if he can meet me at the bar after my workout. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to getting things settled at work since I fired Michael a couple weeks ago, and the one person who knows that place inside and out, the one person I trust completely, is Max. It only makes sense to me that he would be someone that I could have complete confidence in, and knowing that he has a baby on the way, he’d be an idiot to not take the opportunity I’m about to offer him.

  After a couple hours of lifting and running, I head up to Blur to meet with Max. He’s sitting at the bar, chatting with Mel when I walk in.

  “Hey, man. Let’s go to my office,” I say, and he follows me up the stairs.

  “So, what’s on your mind?” he asks as we sit down.

  “I’m gonna be honest with you here,” I start. “Candace is graduating in a couple of months, and I doubt that she’s gonna be staying here in Seattle.”

  “You think you’ll go with her?” he asks.

  “I can’t let her go without me, but I can’t let this place fold either,” I tell him. “I know you have a lot going on with Traci, but . . .”

  “Look, you know I’ll help out in any way I can.”

  “I was hoping you could help run this place,” I say. “You know everything about the job, and you’ve always been loyal to me. Shit’s been crazy since I let Michael go, but I’d like to bring you on as his permanent replacement, which means a sizable salary increase.”

  “Are you serious?” he says as he leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

  “Completely. It’s yours.”

  He stands up and I follow as he walks towards me and claps his hand in mine for a solid shake as he grips my shoulder with his other hand.

  “So, you’re in?” I ask.

  “I’m in, boss.”

  “Great,” I sigh in relief as I sit back down. “You know the drill, man, so let’s get this going in the next couple days if you can manage on short notice?”

  “Yeah. No problem. You still going out of town this weekend?”

  “Yep. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone. A week, give or take a few days. It’s Candace’s last break before graduation, and I know she wants to spend time with my mom.”

  “You need an extra guy for the door?” he asks.

  “I don’t think so. Chase has been doing a good job at keeping everything under control in that department. Plus people are used to seeing you down there, so I think if you can keep that gig going when you have extra time, that would be great.”

  We finish up, filling out a few forms and going over some stuff I need him to take care of while I’m in Oregon next week. Having this situation settled takes a lot of stress off my shoulders, and even though Candace has yet to bring up school coming to an end, she has nothing to worry about.

  When I’m all done, I head back to the loft, but Candace’s car is still gone as I pull into the driveway. I grab a quick shower and get cleaned up. When she gets home a little while later we spend the afternoon listening to a few demos from local bands. Mark is graduating with most of the guys in the band, so I need to go ahead and find alternatives for when their gig is up with me in June.

  I watch Candace in the kitchen, and when she walks back into the room, I tell her, “Something’s been bothering me today.” As she moves past me, I grab her and pull her onto my lap. “I’ve never seen you dance.”

  “Oh . . . yeah, I guess not,” she says and then adds, “But you will in May when we have our production. You’ll see me a lot. I have three ensembles plus my solo.”

  “It just bothers me that there is a huge part of your life that I’ve never seen.” I see her nearly every day wearing her leotards, warm-up pants, and leg-warmers. I even watch her stretch and do her ankle exercises every chance I get. But I have yet to see my girl dance.

  “Well, I can grab some videos at the studio of past performances,” she offers. “They have also recorded some of our studios this year. Would that suffice for you, watching me on video?”

  I grab her, flipping her down on the couch onto her back, and nip her neck before letting her know, “Nothing about you will ever suffice for me. I’m always gonna want more.”

  She laughs as we continue to kiss, and when she begins tugging my shirt up, I reach back and pull it over my head, tossing it onto the floor. Her smile is big and she keeps it on her face when I take her ankle and begin kissing and sucking my way up her leg. I love these legs.

  I grip her behind her knees and go in for a slow kiss. The taste of her in my mouth is something I’ll never tire of, so I take it as she runs her hands up my arms, my neck, and into my hair, fisting it in her hands.

  She’s playful with me as we take our time removing each other’s clothing. My need to touch her is strong, but I know she’s still really hesitant about being touched in that way, so I don’t even try. Her light-heartedness right now is charming, and when she giggles and admits, “This tattoo is hot,” as she grazes my shoulder with her hand, I smile down at her and laugh.

  “Why’s that?”

  Pressing her lips together, she shakes her head, too shy to say what she’s thinking, and I tease, “Don’t let it fool you. I’m a private school prep just like you.”

  She laughs at me, responding with, “Your small town private school?” poking fun.

  I run my hands down her small shoulders and take both of her breasts in my hands as I say with a smirk, “That small town has a lot of money running through it, and you love it there.”

  “I do love it there,” she agrees and then runs her hand down the center of my chest, before adding in a more serious tone, “But I love it here—with you—more.”

  After I put on some protection, I make my way to the place I love the most—inside of her. She wraps her arms around my neck as we make love on my couch while the rain pours outside the windows. The beating of the rain mixed with our breaths fills the room as we take our time with each other, her eyes never straying from mine as I give myself to her.

  I roll to the side, bringing her with me as I grab her thigh and drape it over my hip. Taking her bottom in my hand, I rock her into me as our heads are pressed together. Her eyes fully sated, green with golden flakes, her hands on my cheeks, sweet breath brushing my lips. Fuck, she’s amazing at this.

  ***

  Running my hand lazily up and down her bare back, we lie on the floor, wrapped up in a blanket together. With her head on my chest, she’s been really quiet ever since we made love earlier.

  “What are you thinking about, babe?”

  “Hmm,” she hums softly.

  Laughing under my breath, I say, “That’s a pathetic answer,” and then feel her chest as she silently laughs.

  “Seriously though. What’s on your mind? You’ve been really quiet.”

  “I ran into Kimber today. She was leaving Jase’s when I walked into his building.”

  “Did you guys tal
k?”

  “She just asked where I’ve been, and I could tell she was hurt. Jase told me she reached out to him and that she’s really upset.”

  “I’m sorry, babe. I know how much this bothers you. Have you thought anymore about talking to her?”

  Now that I know what the issue is between them, I tried talking to Candace about reaching out to her roommate the other week, but she shut it down, telling me that the only way Kimber would talk to her is if she told her the truth, and she didn’t want to do that. I know that she doesn’t want to say the words. She told me that she never even said them to Jase; she made a nurse tell him at the hospital, and that I’m the only one she’s spoken them to. When she explained this to me, I dropped it.

  “I just can’t. I don’t trust her enough to not do something.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you to do. Just try talking to her and see if you guys can move past this,” I offer weakly.

  She closes her eyes before saying, “I think it would help if I went back home.”

  “Candace . . .”

  “Ryan, I was only supposed to be here for a week or two. I never intended on moving in like this,” she tells me. “But, we are about to graduate, and I’d like to see if this is fixable. I can’t do that if I’m not there.”

  “I still want you here,” I let her know, not wanting her to leave.

  “And I’ll still be here. Just not every night.”

  Candace has been staying with me for a little over a month, and I love that she’s here and that I get to come home to her every night. But I also know that this is important to her, and even though I don’t like the idea of her no longer staying here, I won’t be anything other than completely supportive of her.

  “Okay,” I respond. “We can go tomorrow and take some of your things back.”

  She smiles and says, “Thanks for understanding,” and then gives me a kiss as I press her naked body against mine, fully savoring the rest of our night.

  ***

  “Babe, you don’t have to pack everything,” I complain as I watch her pulling her clothes out of my closet. Truth is, I don’t like this feeling in my stomach right now as she packs her stuff up. I like seeing her things in my space.