Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Before he sits, he raises his glass and clears his throat to get everyone’s attention.

  “Before we eat, I’d just like to say a few things. First, I want to say thank you to all of you for making today possible. I know I kind of threw this in everyone’s lap at the last minute, but you all pulled together, and I just hope you had fun in the process.”

  Jack chimes in, ribbing Reid. “Yeah, nothing says fun like hauling a freaking six-foot pine tree off the roof of my car and into the house.”

  Logan adds, “I can’t complain. This house is cleaner than a freaking Pine-Sol commercial!”

  Reid just shoots them a playful look and continues with his speech. “Mrs. Crane, I really can’t thank you enough for coming out here. It wouldn’t be the same for Maddy and Mel, and I know I speak for everyone else when I say that we love having you here.”

  Momma C winks at him. I think she’s a little smitten, because I see her holding back the tears at how sweet and kind he is.

  “And last, but certainly not least, Maddy, thank you so much for coming into my life. I have no clue what I did to deserve you. I’m not even sure that I do, but I will spend every minute of the rest of my life making sure that I do everything in my power to keep you by my side. I love you, baby, and I hope you have a perfect Thanksgiving.”

  At his last word, he bends down to kiss me sweetly on the cheek. Everyone erupts in “hear, hear”s, and they all clink their glasses together.

  Momma C leads us in a blessing before we eat, and my heart swells with love for this woman who has been my surrogate mother for the last eight years.

  When she finishes, Reid carves the turkey, and everyone begins passing dishes back and forth. My plate is full to the brim, and so is my heart. I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted because of Reid.

  I reach my hand out to grab his and squeeze gently. “Reid, I love you. Thank you. This has been the best surprise, the best weekend, in my whole life.”

  He winks at me and says, “Anything for you, Maddy. Anything at all.”

  “Oh, I’m so glad you said that, because if you think I’m cleaning all of this up after cooking all day long, well, then, you are sorely mistaken.”

  He laughs and offers me up a sexy lopsided grin. “I got the dishes, babe. You’re off for the rest of the night. Well, at least until everyone goes home. Then you’re all mine.”

  ***

  We’re all sitting in the living room watching The Wizard of Oz, and while everyone is lost in conversation, I can’t help but notice that Reid has been checking his phone nonstop all night. Come to think of it, he’s never really on his phone, but the last few weeks it’s been like a constant presence — always in his hand, always buzzing away on whatever surface he’s left it on.

  Who could be calling him, anyway? We’re all here.

  Something’s not adding up here.

  Unpleasant thoughts take root in my head. Is he cheating on me? God knows he’s got plenty of women to choose from — all of them certainly hotter and more experienced than I am. Maybe he’s been keeping some of them on the side all this time. I try not to let my mind go there. I remind myself of all of the sweet gestures that Reid’s done for me since we’ve been together. A cheater doesn’t text nearly every hour to see how you’re doing. He wouldn’t buy me flowers at every opportunity — at times just a single red rose — if he was sleeping with someone else.

  When would he sleep with someone else, anyway? We’ve spent practically every night together.

  But you only had sex with him once.

  You don’t have to spend the night to have sex.

  At the thought of him sleeping with someone else, I can’t help but think about how foolish I was to insist that we didn’t need a condom. My heart and mind are battling fiercely over what to believe. One thing is for certain, I do not like this version of myself - this questioning, insecure, uncertain version of the Maddy that I’ve been trying to erase over the last few months.

  It’s stupid, really. I have no reason to think he would hold on to his old ways. I’ve let him in and he’s let me in, and now all of a sudden I’m a scared little girl who is just making up excuses to make things seem imperfect. It’s just like what I did with Jay before I left.

  Shake yourself out of this. He’s a good man, Maddy. He wouldn’t do that to you.

  He catches me looking at him, and his brows furrow into a quizzical stare. I smile quickly at him, letting him know that everything is okay. I fake a yawn to play it off that I’m just tired. He smiles back and resumes his conversation with Logan and Bryan. They’re probably still analyzing every little detail of the football game from before.

  When everyone finally does leave, it’s almost ten o’clock, and I am bone tired. Between last night — and then again this morning in the shower — plus all of Reid’s revelations, and this new crap with the phone calls, I’m surprised I even have the strength to walk up the stairs and crawl into bed.

  He called it our bed — a bed he bought so we could have our own beautiful memories.

  He wouldn’t do all of that for me, tell me his darkest secrets, and throw it all away on some other woman.

  I fucking hope not.

  I’m just about to pass out when Reid says, “I’m going to grab a quick shower before bed.” He adds a sultry smile, and his eyes go all hooded before he adds, “Want to join me?”

  “Reid, I really would love to, but I’m so exhausted. I really just want to curl up in bed and pass out for about twelve hours. I’m sorry, babe, but can I take a rain check?”

  “Of course, sweetheart. How about a back rub when I get done? It’ll help you relax.”

  Oh, my God, he’s so adorable when he’s this sweet. I force down my earlier doubts and try to hold on to the idea that he really does love me.

  I’m being stupid, really. I’ll just talk to him about it in the morning, because just thinking about diving head first into an “are you cheating” conversation exhausts me even more.

  “That sounds amazing.” I stand to get one of his T-shirts out of his dresser.

  “Great. Be out in a few minutes, then.” He pulls his shirt over his head in that sexy-as-hell one-handed grab from behind move that guys do. I wonder if they realize how sexy that is. It’s probably the same for them watching us unhook and take off our bras without having to take our shirts off. I laugh at my pointless, although still funny, musings.

  My whimsy is erased completely when I hear Reid’s phone buzzing away on the dresser. I don’t want to look.

  Yes, you do.

  No, you don’t.

  Crap.

  While I’m stuck debating, the phone stops vibrating. I guess that solves the dilemma, then — as if picking it up under the reasoning that it was ringing would make my snooping less offensive.

  Then it rings again, and I can’t help but go to it. I’m like Sleeping Beauty drawn to the spindle I know I shouldn’t touch. Nothing good can come of this. That much I know, but I can’t help it. I’ve spent so long guarding my heart that the smallest suggestion, no matter how ridiculous it sounds even in my own head, that Reid is doing something wrong has me questioning everything.

  I pick up the phone and slide the icon at the bottom to answer it. I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out. What do I say? There’s no name attached to the number, and for a moment I think that’s a good thing. If it was someone he spoke with or saw regularly, surely he would have her name and contact information saved. And then there’s the small voice in the back of my head that’s suddenly growing louder in volume, that’s telling me saving her information, whoever she is, would be the last thing he would want to do.

  What would he file it under anyway?

  Cheater?

  The other woman?

  Not Maddy?

  I’m thinking of all of this as I wait silently for some kind of answer to this fucked-up situation that I’ve gotten myself into. I still can’t say anything, but when a young woman’s voice
comes through on the line, I can’t help feel that wall around my heart snap back into place. Even though I’m rendered completely speechless, I sit and eagerly listen to the woman on the other end.

  “Hello? Reid? Is that you? Hello? Is anyone there?” and then the line goes dead.

  Before putting the phone back on his dresser, I look into his missed calls log. I’m a horrible girlfriend for this, I know, but my self-preservation is all I’m thinking about here. I am beyond shocked when I see that he has forty-five calls from the same number. I hear him getting out of the shower, so I don’t have much time to look for more information — how long the calls lasted, how many times he called her, exchanges of text messages. Instead of all of that, I quickly save the number in my phone. I bury whatever conflicted emotions I’m having over all of this. I need to be alone and figure out what the hell to do about it all.

  I just don’t have the energy — physically or emotionally — to confront him about it tonight. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to hear his excuses. Maybe it’s because I just don’t want to learn the truth. But I choose to ignore it for the time being. Ignorance is bliss and all that crap.

  When Reid comes back into the room, I pretend to be asleep. He spoons up behind me and nuzzles his lips up against my neck, kissing me in that sweet spot that sends shivers down my spine.

  “Rain check on the massage, too, baby?”

  My heart thaws a little at the tender tone of his words. “Is that okay? I think I’m even too tired to simply roll over.” I know I’m being foolish, shutting him out like this, but feeling his hands all over my body while thinking about him possibly being with someone else has my insides churning. I know if he starts touching me, I’ll break down.

  “Shh. It’s okay. Let’s just sleep. I love you, Maddy. I love you so much. I don’t know where I would be without you in my life. Thank you for giving me the chance to prove to you that I’m not a complete and total asshole.”

  I feel his smile against my neck. I want to believe him, and there’s a very large part of me that does. Hell, four hours ago there wouldn’t have been a doubt in my mind that he loves me and that he means every word he just said. But now — now everything is different. I don’t want it to be, but it is. Even though I’m afraid he’s going to crush me, that this girl, whoever she is, is going to come between us, I can’t help but tell him that I love him, too.

  Because I do. I love him so much. But love makes you weak, vulnerable.

  It makes me everything I’ve been trying not to be.

  ***

  It’s the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and I still haven’t found the courage to talk to Reid about the situation with the phone calls. I was able to avoid seeing him on Friday, since Momma, Mel, Cammie, Lia, and I hit up a bunch of Black Friday sales. Because Saturday was Momma’s last day here, I was able to use spending time with her as an excuse to avoid him. I know I’ve been a coward, and I’m ashamed of myself that today I just pretended to be busy studying for finals, which start tomorrow.

  I’m sitting on my bed back at my dorm stuck in a heated debate with myself over what to do about it all. I know that I can’t talk to Mel about it. As much as she loves me, I know she and Reid are friends, too. Don’t get me wrong — if Reid and I ever broke up, I’d like to think that Mel would be “Team Maddy,” but I just don’t want her to have to get involved until I know for certain what’s going on.

  I think I’ve figured out a way to get to the bottom of all of this. I nervously dial the digits of the number I’ve been dreading to call. I know that once I make this call, I’ll have my answers. Whether they are the answers I want or not, I don’t know; only time will tell. I steel my resolve and dial.

  The other line picks up on the second ring, and a deep male voice carries over the receiver.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Bryan. It’s Maddy, Mel’s roommate.”

  “Oh, hi, Maddy. I didn’t recognize your number. What’s up?”

  “Um, well, I kind of have a favor to ask you.”

  “ Okay, sure. What can I do for you?” He’s such a good guy.

  “Well, I figured since you’re, like, a tech-god, that you’d be able to help me figure out who a cell phone number belongs to and help me do a little digging into who they are.” I really don’t want to give him too much more than that. It’s unfair to expect him not to lie to Mel. They’re getting along so great, and I would hate myself if I put anything between them.

  “What’s it for, Maddy? I don’t usually do that kind of stuff.” He sounds unsure.

  I know I’m going to have to give him something, so I do what anyone in my situation would do: I lie. “I’ve been getting a ton of calls from this number that I don’t know. I’m not sure who it is, and I’m worried that it’s that guy Mike who tried to drug me earlier in the semester. I can’t remember if I gave him my number, but I think I might have. I’m just worried that he’s stalking me or something. I don’t want to get Melanie all worried, and I sure as hell don’t want Reid to flip out over this. I just figured you were a good place to start.” I’m all but pouting at him, and then I realize he can’t see me.

  Dork.

  “Oh, wow. I didn’t realize it was for something like that. Yeah, of course I’ll look into it. I’ll see what I can do. And I won’t say anything to anyone until we know some details.”

  “Thanks, Bryan. You’re good peeps.” As I give him the number, I feel my guilt start to consume me.

  “No problem. I’ll call you when I figure anything out.”

  I feel like a horrible person when I hang up with Bryan. I’m glad I’m all alone so that I can wallow in my own self-pity over this whole fucked-up mess. I don’t need anyone seeing me like this. I’ve never been so thankful that all of the girls are out. Mel picked up another shift at the lab, and Cammie and Lia are at the library. They are incapable of studying here. Everything distracts them.

  I could use a distraction. But instead, I’ve got nothing but silence and my own thoughts. On the one hand, Reid has been nothing short of amazing. And I love him, I really do. He loves me, too. That much is clear. But even if we do love each other, is that enough? I don’t think I can ever get past cheating. Then again, on the other hand, he might not be cheating.

  The more I think about it, the more I lean toward him not being a cheater. It just goes against everything I know about him. He’s even said it himself, that no one knows him better than I do, and I just can’t imagine him turning to someone else for any kind of physical contact when he really does seem to be happy with me.

  And then there’s the impossible-to-ignore fact that he makes me happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I could be lame and quote some cheesy-ass chick flick saying that he completes me, but that’s a load of crap. He doesn’t make me whole; he doesn’t erase the pain I’ve felt for most of my life. Being with him isn’t some cure-all to everything I’ve ever dealt with, but when I’m with him, I’m me. I’m the person I have always wanted to be — fun, lighthearted, playful, flirty, sexy, seductive, and loving. He’s opened me up to the possibility of a completely different future than I ever envisioned for myself — a future that I just can’t imagine him not being a part of.

  If I’m being completely honest with myself, I know in my heart that he isn’t cheating. I think I’m just using the idea of him being a cheater to protect my heart from the pain of whatever secret it is that he’s hiding from me. I’m bracing myself for the unknown.

  Before I drift off to sleep, my last visions are of Reid and me making love, and I remember the vows I made to myself back when the semester started, and ironically all three apply here.

  I will choose to be happy and not let this — whatever it is — get in the way of here and now. There’s no sense in getting all upset over something that could be nothing.

  I will appreciate the beauty in everything that Reid and I are together — in everything that we bring out in each other.

  I’ve already let love in. He’
s not only in my heart; he owns it. Now I just have to keep him there and never let him go.

  Chapter 14

  Reid

  It’s the Monday of finals week — my last finals week — and I’m anxiously waiting at a table in the student café, waiting for my weekly lunch date with Melanie. Hanging out with Mel makes me fall even more in love with Maddy, if that’s possible. Melanie is like the little sister I never had, and I can’t help but smile and laugh when I’m around her. Mel’s happiness is that infectious.

  Rather than getting straight to business — a.k.a. pulling one over on Maddy — I try for some normal conversation first.

  “So how do you feel about your finals?”

  She gives me the side-eye. She knows me too well at this point. “Oh, cut the crap, Reid. I see it in your eyes. What are you up to now?”

  I fake a wounded look, but again she sees through it, so I just come clean. “Well, I’m graduating, and I thought what better way to celebrate that than with a vacation. It’s too damn cold up here in the winter, so I was thinking of taking Maddy away somewhere. You know, to celebrate me being done with this place and all. Well, done until my internship starts, but in my head I’m done.”

  It has nothing to do with me wanting to see Maddy in a bikini for a week.

  Or out of a bikini, for that matter.

  Nope, not that at all.

  “Eww! You are so thinking about her naked right now. You’ve got that far off-look in your eyes.” She throws a French fry at me.

  I don’t admit that she’s right. I can daydream about my girlfriend — my hot, naked girlfriend - all I want.

  “ Okay. Okay. I’ll help. You know I always do. So what do you need from me?” she asks.

  “Well, has she ever wanted to go anywhere specific? I’d like to do something tropical, far away from this frigid wasteland. We’ve both had a really rough semester, and I’d like to just have her all to myself for a week.”

  Melanie seems lost in thought. I can see her raking through her Maddy-files to try to dig up some useful tidbit for me. Then the light bulb goes off over her head.