Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

Maddy’s spine straightens, and she pokes me hard in the chest.

  “You’re a fucking selfish bastard! Do you know what I would give to have my parents back in my life? But I can’t, because they’re dead - really and truly dead. Yeah, your mom was a shit for doing what she did, but she’s alive — maybe not for long - and she needs your help, and you’re being an asshole for ignoring her. If there’s even the smallest possibility that you can help her, then you need to do that. What if she dies?”

  “She’s already dead as far as I’m concerned!”

  “No, she’s not, Reid. She’s alive. My mom is dead. I’ll never have her back again, but you can help yours. I know that if she dies, and you don’t help her, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  Her anger is receding slightly, and I almost want to cave, but I don’t.

  “There is no way in fucking hell that I am going to her. Do you understand me? Losing your parents doesn’t give you a license to do whatever the hell you want in my life. It sucks that your parents are dead, but they never hurt you like mine did to me. Making me talk to my mother isn’t going to bring yours back, so cut this fucking Mother Teresa shit and get over yourself. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your pain, Maddy. Just because my life isn’t the same as yours doesn’t mean that you’re better than me. How dare you fucking judge me!”

  “You know what? No, I’ll never understand how anyone could turn their back on their mother, because that’s something I would never do. And is it so horrible of me that I want you to do the right thing, to be the man I know you are? You’re wrong, Reid, and no matter how much I love you, I can’t stand beside you while you let your mother die.”

  We’re saying ugly, evil, mean things to each other. My throat hurts from yelling and screaming, and Maddy looks exhausted at the energy she’s spending trying to convince me to talk to my mom.

  She practically runs to the door and grabs my keys off the side table. “I can’t stay here with you. I’ll be back later when you calm the fuck down and hopefully come to your senses.” With that, she storms out.

  I pull the bottle of champagne that I bought earlier out of the fridge.

  Don’t have much to celebrate now.

  I walk out to the balcony and gaze up at the stars. Popping the cork out into the night sky, I slink back into the chair on the balcony and stretch my legs out onto the railing. I finish the bottle in minutes and move on to the mini-bar. When that’s empty, I head down to the bar and try to drown my anger.

  It doesn’t work, and when I stumble back into the hotel room sometime around 3 a.m., I pass out without even registering that Maddy is not beside me.

  Chapter 19

  Reid

  Somewhere off in the distance, I hear pounding, banging. My head is foggy from the alcohol. The piercing light coming in from the windows is painful. I never drink, and this hangover is massive.

  I look next to me, but Maddy isn’t there. Maybe she’s on the couch? I don’t remember hearing her come in last night, but then again, after my fifth shot of whiskey, I didn’t remember much of anything. Looking over at the bedside clock, I realize it’s already past eleven. She’s been gone for nearly twelve hours! I try to get out of bed, but my legs are unsteady as the room spins. When I get to the living room and see that the couch is empty, I sober and my stomach tightens.

  She never came back.

  When I hear the banging again, worry sets it. Trying to calm down, I tell myself that it’s probably Maddy. I don’t think she had a room key on her. I walk my wobbly legs to the door and look through the peephole, and the world fades away. I unlock the door and nearly crumple to the floor when the police officer flashes his badge as he introduces himself and his partner.

  “I’m Officer Rivera, and this is my partner Officer Murphy. Can we come in?”

  I don’t say anything. I just move to the side and let them enter.

  “Is your name Reid Connely?” Officer Rivera asks, but it seems like he already knows the answer, so I just nod in return. “And do you own a 2008 black Ford Mustang?” he continues.

  “Yes, I do, officer, but I haven’t driven it since last night.” They take stock of my appearance. I’m sure I look like a hot mess, and I can guarantee that I smell like the pint of whiskey I drank last night.

  “Was that before or after you were intoxicated, young man?” Officer Murphy nods his chin over at the small coffee table, which is littered with tiny bottles of mini-bar liquor.

  “It was before — I swear. My girlfriend and I got into a fight, and she took my car to get some fresh air. She…oh, God…please tell me that she’s okay. Where is she?” Tears are burning in my eyes, and a huge lump is forming in my throat.

  She has to be safe. I can’t lose her — please tell me that they’re here because they thought she stole my car or something. Please let her be okay.

  “I’m sorry, son, but she was in an accident last night…”

  The rest of his words fade off in the background as I collapse to my knees. I hold my head in my hands and sob wildly. No! No! No! This can’t be happening. I feel my heart break in my chest as I think about her being hurt.

  I feel a hand at my back and see another reach around to help me up. Officer Rivera says, “She’s alive but in critical condition. She’s at St. Francis Hospital. We’ve been trying get in contact with you all morning. When we reached her next of kin, Melanie Crane, she gave us your number and told us that you were staying here. We’ve been trying to call the room and your cell, but there was no answer. If you’d like, we can take you there to see her. Ms. Crane is on her way as we speak.”

  I numbly drag some clothes on and get myself together to leave with the officers. I can’t do this; I can’t face the possibility of her not surviving. I was such an asshole to her last night, too. I need to see her, to apologize to her, to tell her I love her. She can’t leave me. This can’t be happening.

  ***

  I enter the hospital, and I’m immediately assaulted with the harsh, biting smell of antiseptic. It burns my nostrils and eyes, but I’d be lying if I said that it was the only thing causing my tears. If I thought I’d felt pain before, I was kidding myself. Maddy is the strong one; Maddy is the light to my darkness. I need her like I need my next breath, and even the mere thought of losing her stills my heart.

  Mindlessly, I hit the call button on the elevator and go up to the third-floor ICU waiting room. A nurse comes up to me, but I can barely acknowledge her presence.

  “Sir? Can I help you?” Her voice drifts in through the fog of pain and worry that’s engulfing me.

  “Madeleine Becker. My Maddy’s here. I need to see her.”

  “Are you family?” No, but she’s mine — she’s my everything.

  I just shake my head as the tears stream from my eyes. “No, I’m not. She’s my girlfriend. We’re supposed to be on vacation…” My words drift off, and the nurse escorts me over to some chairs.

  “Wait here, and I’ll see what I can do for you.”

  She moves over to the nurse’s station and flips through a few files. In a few short minutes she’s walking back to me, her face unreadable, her demeanor calm and even.

  “She’s in critical but stable condition. The severe concussion caused some brain swelling, so she’s unconscious right now, but she might be able to hear you. Would you like to see her for a few minutes?”

  I don’t know why I’m allowed to see her since I’m not family, but I assume that Melanie must have had something to do with it. I just follow the nurse to a small, dimly lit room.

  I hear the constant beep of some machine in the background as my eyes land on Maddy’s battered and broken body lying on the bed. There are tubes and needles coming out of and going into each arm. Her head is bandaged and bloody. Her left arm is in a cast up to her elbow. Her beautiful face is bruised and swollen. A fresh stream of tears pours from my already bloodshot eyes at the sight of her in this condition.

  I walk to the side of the be
d, and horror sets in. What if she doesn’t wake up? What if she dies?

  I hear the nurse start to explain some things. “Her face looks worse than it is. The bruising is mainly from the air bag, but her nose and right orbital bone are broken from the impact. Right now, we just have to wait for her to wake up.”

  I wipe the tears away from my eyes, not at all ashamed of my inability to control my sadness. “When will that be?”

  “We’ll just have to wait and see. Hopefully, it will be soon. Sit and talk to her. It might help.”

  The nurse exits, leaving just Maddy and me in the room. I pull the chair up next to her bed and sit beside her. I take her frail hand in mine and pull it up to my lips. I taste the salt of my tears, and I break down.

  “Maddy, baby, please wake up. I’m so sorry, baby. I take back all those horrible things I said before you left. Baby, I’m so, so sorry. Please, please come back to me. Maddy…” My voice is lanced in pain and spiked with emotion. It sounds foreign even to my own ears.

  After a few minutes, the nurse returns to tell me that someone else is here to see her. Melanie.

  When I walk back out into the waiting room, Melanie races into my arms. Tears are streaming down her freckled face.

  “What happened, Reid? Please tell me she’s going to be all right! I was so scared when they called. Where were you when this happened? How come they couldn’t get in touch with you?” She’s in a frenzied panic, and I’m so afraid to tell her that it was all my fault.

  I’m lost to my pain and guilt. I collapse to floor in front of her, sliding down the length of the wall behind me. Melanie sits down with me and pulls my hands into hers. She prompts me to start talking, and I put together what I can.

  “We got into a fight. I said some really shitty things. She left because she was mad at me. I went and got drunk because I was so angry. I didn’t even realize she was gone until the cops showed up at the hotel this morning.”

  There’s no need to elaborate any more. The bottom line is that it’s my fault she’s here, just like it’s my fault that Shane is dead. Why do I cause people so much suffering? Why am I such a screw-up? If I just would have listened to her, agreed to have her help me face my past, to help my mom, then she’d be safe. We’d probably be making love, basking in the afterglow. But instead we’re here, waiting for her to wake up and return to us.

  I’m crying again, or still, and Mel slides over next to me and leans her head on my shoulder. “It’ll all be okay, Reid. She’s stronger than anyone I know. She has to be okay.” Mel is then lost to her own tears, and we’re holding on to each other through the painful thoughts of losing the person who is most important to both of us.

  When Mel calms down slightly, she stands and pulls me up with her. Vaguely, I realize that Cammie is sitting in the chairs in front of us. She offers up a small smile of sympathy.

  “I’m going to see if I can visit her now.” Mel walks off to the nurse’s station, and I slink down into the chair beside Cammie.

  I lose the battle with my emotions yet again, and I break down. Cammie holds me and tries to calm me down, but it’s pointless, really. The only person who has ever been able to help me with my emotions is unconscious in the next room — all because of me.

  “I fucked up so bad, Cam. I said such horrible things to her. Oh, God, what if she doesn’t wake up? What if I lose her? I can’t…” I begin hyperventilating at the thought of losing Maddy. She’s my world, and without her I know I’ll return to the shadow of a man I once was.

  “Shh. Shh. It’s okay, Reid. She’ll be okay.” She holds my shoulders and pulls away from me; she looks me in the eyes and says, “Reid, sometimes we say horrible things to the people we love the most. You can really only hurt the ones you love. I’m not saying Maddy is just going to up and forgive you, but you love her, so you’ll do everything in your power to make it up to her. And because she loves you, she’ll let you.” She smiles a small playful smile, trying to lighten the mood, but nothing will lighten my darkness, nothing but Maddy.

  ***

  A few hours later, Mrs. Crane shows up, disheveled and tear-stained. Mel fills her in on all the details, and they cry with one another at the thought of Maddy suffering, of her not waking up. We’re all huddled together in the waiting room. Jack is here, too. He drove Cammie and Mel. It’s not all that shocking that neither one of the girls would have been able to make the drive by herself. Lia and Logan were already on their way home for the first part of winter break, so they couldn’t make the drive with everyone else. Cammie has been on her phone pretty much the entire time she’s been here, filling everyone in on Maddy’s progress.

  Watching Mel and Mrs. Crane holding on tightly to one another makes me think of Maddy. Everything makes me think of Maddy, but this scene makes me think of everything she said to me about my mother before she left. Sparks of realization and feelings of deep-seated remorse start to consume me as I think back over her words.

  No, she’s not, Reid. She’s alive. My mom is dead. I’ll never have her back again, but you can help yours. I know if she dies, and you don’t help her, that you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

  The harsh reality is that if Maddy doesn’t wake up, if I lose her, I will never be able to hold her again, to tell her I love her. I’ll never get to wake up in her arms and feel her trace imaginary patterns on my chest.

  Out of my peripheral vision, I register that a doctor is approaching us. “Are you Madeleine Becker’s family?”

  We all stand to hear what he has to say.

  Mrs. Crane speaks for the group. “Is she okay? When will she wake up, doctor?”

  “The swelling is starting to decrease. Her vitals have been strong since we got her stabilized when she came in. The accident wasn’t a direct impact, so she looks worse than she is. If the swelling continues to diminish, there’s a chance she might wake up tomorrow or the day after.”

  My heart begins beating again, and my lungs drag in an unsteady and shaking breath. “So she’ll be okay? She’s not going to die?” I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my chest. All of a sudden the light has returned to my life, and I can breathe again.

  “No, son. It looks like she’s going to be just fine. She just needs to wake up. Why don’t you all go in and spend a few minutes with her before you head home for the night? We’ll call you if anything changes.”

  Cammie and Jack go first, and they’re done quickly. When she comes back out to the waiting room, her eyes are puffy and red from crying. She’s shaking, so Jack tries to calm her. They walk outside, telling us they’ll be in the car.

  Melanie goes next. She takes a little longer than Cammie, but her reaction is the same — puffy, red eyes, chest heaving through the sobs. Mrs. Crane holds her daughter through the pain, rubbing slow, calming circles on her back. She passes Mel off to me so she can say goodnight to the next closest thing she has in this world to the girl she just placed in my arms.

  Mrs. Crane comes out a few minutes later and pulls Mel back into her arms. There are tears in her eyes, too, and her breathing is heavy. She’s trying to stifle her emotions, to be strong for Melanie, and I feel a pang of guilt that there’s no one there to comfort her.

  “You guys go ahead. I gave Jack the information for the hotel. You can stay there tonight. I’m just going to sleep out here in the waiting room. I’m sure you could all use a hot shower and a meal after having to drive down here. I promise I’ll call if anything changes.”

  Momma embraces me warmly and cups my cheek as she goes to leave. “She’ll be okay, Reid. She has to be.”

  I hug her back and kiss the top of her head before releasing her.

  They don’t argue; there’s no point, really. An army couldn’t drag me away from her. They walk through the ICU doors to a waiting elevator, and I’m alone.

  I walk slowly to Maddy’s room, silently praying to a God that I don’t believe in for Maddy to wake up. And maybe if I’m lucky, she’ll forgive me when sh
e does.

  Chapter 20

  Reid

  I sit in the chair I sat in earlier and pull her hand into mine once more. I know I should say something, anything, but no words come. I just hold her hand and cry. I cry for the pain I’ve caused her, for the pain I’m causing her now, for the pain I’m feeling deep in my soul that I’ve been carrying around for far too long. Drawing on her inner strength, I think over everything she told me.

  The thought of Maddy dying without me being able to tell her how sorry I am runs through my brain. For the first time since Shane died, I permit the idea of allowing my parents into my life again. What if my mom is having similar thoughts? What if she just wants to tell me one last time that she loves me? I know I would never forgive myself if couldn’t tell Maddy that I loved her one last time, hold her in my arms once more.

  I’m not ready to come around completely, but for the first time since my parents turned their backs on me, I’m not completely closed off to the idea.

  I spend the rest of the night wandering aimlessly between the coffee machine and the waiting room. Around two in the morning, the nurse gently shakes my shoulder to wake me. My neck and back are killing me from sleeping in the waiting room chair, but I’d sleep in a chair forever if it meant that Maddy would be okay. I suddenly panic, thinking that something must have gone wrong.

  “What is it? Is she okay?” I’m immediately awake; my discomfort is forgotten.

  “Yes, Reid. She’s just fine.” We’ve been on a first-name basis since her shift started and she saw that I wasn’t going to leave.

  “I just thought you might be more comfortable in the recliner in her room.” She smiles and starts walking toward Maddy’s room. When we’re standing in front of the chair, she says, “I got you an extra pillow and a blanket. Now, I might have to kick you out when my shift is over, but I couldn’t watch you sleep out there.”

  “Thank you, Carolyn. It’s really nice of you.” I pull the blanket up and try to settle in, but the relentless beeping from the machines is keeping me awake.