Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “I thought you left…left me.” I said, still facing the opposite wall, afraid if I turned she’d disappear before my eyes could find her, not wanting this to be the last time I ever saw her.

  “Almost, but I couldn’t.” She admitted.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know.” She said, her voice no more than a whisper.

  Finally turning, I saw her beautiful face was streaked with wetness.

  “No, baby, don’t cry.” I said as I shed my guitar to the table and walked to her.

  Blackness had pooled under her eyes and flowed down her cheeks. My thumbs swiped across her smooth skin, clearing it away as best I could. I wanted to see her pale skin, not the evidence of her pain—pain I’d caused.

  “It doesn’t make sense.” She breathed. “I barely know you, my feelings, they don’t make sense.”

  “They don’t need to. Your mind knows mine, your body knows mine. That’s all that matters. Don’t try to make sense of it, just trust what you feel; trust in us.”

  “No, Shaw was right. I don’t know, today proved that. You live in a different world than I do, and I can’t be a part of that—I don’t want to be a part of that.”

  My whole world shifted at her words. She was right; she was too good to be a part of my life, too fucking good for a piece of shit like me. But she’d saved me once, made me better, and she could do it again. I could be better for her, she could change me.

  She moved past me, not pausing, not faltering one step until her hand touched the doorknob, and I knew this was my only chance.

  “Don’t leave me.” My voice cracked. “You saved me once. You didn’t even know it, but you saved me.”

  Her hand left the doorknob and she turned to look at me. Her eyes full of confusion.

  “A long time ago, you were so young, so innocent. You promised to help me meet your dad. Then you made him listen to me play. It changed my life, gave me a hope I’d never really had.”

  Her eyes slowly filled with more tears as my words washed over her. Her chest expanded with a deep breath, and as she exhaled, the wetness trickled down her cheeks.

  “That was you? Laughing and singing in the hallway, joking about the groupies? That was you?” She smiled, even through the tears her mouth stretched wide.

  I nodded.

  “Your hair? You were so skinny.” She mumbled to herself.

  “Yeah, I looked different. But so did you.” I smiled. “That night changed my life, Eli. You believed in me, for no other reason than the fact I said I was good. Your dad believed because you did. I’d never had that before, or since. No one cared about some scrawny foster kid living on the streets. All I had was Tony, Angela, and a life full of peddling drugs. You gave me what I needed to leave that and find music; you gave me everything.”

  She shook her head.

  “You did. That one night changed my life. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. I went home that night, packed my shit, and left my spiraling life behind. I focused on music after that and never looked back, and every time my fingers touch a guitar all I think about is you.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked.

  “I don’t know, thought it might sound a little crazy.” I laughed.

  “I think about that night all the time. That was the only time any of my dad’s fans cared anything about me, made me feel as special as the music.” She paused, closing her eyes as she remembered. “He talked about you, too, and how freaking talented you were. I think he even tried to find you after that night. You become some mysterious figure around here. I had such a crush on you for so long, I didn’t even have a clue who you were, but I dreamed about you. I can’t believe it was you.”

  I watched as she sucked her bottom lip in her mouth and rolled it slowly with her teeth. Then we moved together, our bodies colliding, molding into one. Her words caused warm satisfaction to spread throughout me, I’d been thinking about her and she’d been thinking about me—dreaming about me. Aw fuck, there was no way she could leave me now.

  I licked just below her ear and felt her whole body shiver as goose bumps spread across her skin. I bit down and lightly rolled her flesh, just like she’d done to her lip. She moaned and her breath increased dramatically, her pulse pounded in her neck harder and faster against my tongue. Sucking one last time, her legs went weak and I took advantage by lifting her body and wrapping her legs around my waist.

  ***

  Eli Blue

  He pushed my back to the wall as his hands tangled in my hair. Our kisses were scorching hot, wet tongues, teeth clacking, lips entwined—frenzied and full of need. God, I needed him more than I needed air to breathe. I wanted him inside me; to own me completely and never let me go. I could hear the doubt Shaw had placed in my head, the part of me still tied to Shaw, which trusted him, was scared what this man would do to me. If I gave him all of me, my body and my heart, would there be anything left when he was done with me?

  “You can’t leave me, Princess, if you’re with me then you’re here. You don’t get to change your mind and leave me.” He said between kisses before stopping and staring down at me. His forehead creased, his eyes begging me to say the right words.

  “I want to be here, Deacon, I want it more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time. But I’m scared, you scare me—and I don’t know if I can.”

  The intensity of his stare increased as my words sank in.

  “Eli, I’d rather die than let anything happen to you. You have to believe I’d never let anyone hurt you.”

  I nodded my head. I did believe him, but I worried he’d put himself in more danger trying to protect me, and the last thing I wanted was someone getting hurt because of me; I’d never forgive myself.

  “I need you to say it, and to believe it all the way to your core. I need you to believe in me…”

  Words wouldn’t come, I did believe, but this was different than believing in his ability to play the guitar when I’d first met him; this could be life or death. I knew he needed my confidence in him, and I thought I could get there in time, so instead of voicing my doubts, I kissed him and tried to show him physical proof.

  I felt his lips hesitate, unsure whether my kiss was enough, or if my words would mean more. Finally, his lips parted and accepted me, completely, and I took that chance to prove something to him. To show that even when things in life aren’t guaranteed, they’re still worth taking a risk on.

  He fumbled with his jeans while I frantically kissed him, everywhere: mouth, chin, forehead. I ripped open his shirt, neither of us caring when buttons went flying, and moved my lips lower. I needed to feel his skin on mine; I needed to be reminded this is where I wanted to be; where I belonged now. Neither of us had anyone else in this moment, in our lives; we only had each other.

  He pushed my skirt higher, and I heard the rip of my panties right before I saw a white blur fly over his shoulder. Lifting my hands and holding them over my head, he stared deep into my eyes and paused. The only movement was our heaving chests as his warm breath danced across my cheek. I could feel him positioned right at my opening and couldn’t stand it any longer, I had to move; every inch of my body needed to feel him, more of him. I sank down and we both groaned as he filled me completely.

  His head rolled back. “Damn, Eli, so fucking wet, so fucking ready.” He mumbled to himself before slowly pulling out and then sliding back in, slower.

  His pace never increased, and I felt I was going to lose my mind as simple, steady pleasure filled my body. I tried to move my hips, but every time I moved, his hips stilled.

  “Oh God, faster, Deacon, please.” I begged.

  “No baby, stay here.” He moved my head square with his, his beautiful blue eyes piercing into me. “Right here, just feel me; don’t rush it.”

  His lips moved to my neck, his tongue moving in perfect time to his thrusts. My body began to shake uncontrollably as the desire grew and heated in my belly. He gripped my hair tight, pulling my head back, and
just the right amount of pain shot from my head down to my center, and I felt the muscles contract around him as I moaned his name.

  ***

  I knew I should care everyone here knew I was just fucked up against the wall, in the band’s dressing room like a common groupie, but for some reason, I couldn’t work up enough “give a damn.” With every touch I felt myself needing him more, even though in my head I knew it didn’t make sense. Deacon had latched onto my soul, and with each passing second his grip grew tighter.

  The show was over and Deacon was making the rounds with the fans that had made their way backstage. Everywhere he walked he pulled me along, afraid I’d disappear into thin air.

  “I need to find Duke then we can leave.” He turned to tell me just as I saw Shaw leaned against the wall by the back door.

  He hooked his thumb toward the door and pushed it open, gesturing for me to come. I shook my head; dealing with Shaw was not on my list tonight. It had been a long fucking day, and his drama was the last thing I needed, even if I’d brought his presence upon myself by calling him in my moment of weakness. His eyes grew wide and he pointed at me and then outside. I rolled my eyes at him, but we both knew I’d go.

  “I’ll be right back.” I whispered to Deacon, releasing his hand, and then tilted my head toward Shaw.

  I felt his hand engulf my arm and pull me tight against him.

  “No.” He said gruffly.

  “It’s fine, I’ll be right back, I promise.” I smiled up at him.

  His grip grew tighter and his eyes pierced me like he’d never see me again if he let me walk through that door.

  I laughed lightly, “You can come out there with me if you want, but nothing’s going to happen.” I went up on my tip toes and placed my lips on his jawline. Finally, he relaxed his grip and nodded. I felt his eyes on me the whole walk to the door.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Eli Blue

  The warm night air felt suffocating to my skin as I exited the building and Shaw’s presence surrounded me.

  “What, Shaw? What’s going on?” His eyes were intense and frightening. I’d never seen him like this before, not even when I’d caught him naked in bed with the blonde bimbo.

  “What the fuck happened at that prison today? Are you completely insane, those men could have killed you!”

  I sucked in the thick air so quickly, it sounded like a shriek bouncing off my ears.

  “I didn’t tell you anything about what happened. Were you following me?” I asked harshly.

  “No.” He answered immediately. “I hired someone to follow you.”

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Shaw. How dare you have someone follow me!”

  “I’m worried about you, Elizabeth, and what happened today proves I should be.” He shouted. “You obviously know it was fucked up, too, or you wouldn’t have called me like you did—need to hear my voice, my ass. What a lame excuse. Did you call to ask me for help then chicken out? Fuck, those men could have killed you!”

  “Well they didn’t, and they wouldn’t; they need me.”

  “They need you? What the hell does that mean? They fucking need you? That’s your reasoning: a bunch of criminals need you for something and that seems perfectly normal to you?”

  My hands clenched into fists, and if I was another foot taller I would have punched him square in the jaw, enjoying every second of it, even if my hand broke in the process.

  “No, dumbass, that doesn’t seem even a little bit normal to me. But it is what it is, and I can’t change it now, and neither can you, or whoever it is you have following me. So stop it. I don’t want anyone following me anymore.”

  I waited, but he didn’t say anything, he just stared over my head into the distance.

  “Do you hear me?”

  “I hear you, but I’m not promising shit, do you hear that?” He pointed his finger in my face, and I swatted his hand away. “Damnit, woman! Get your head outta Chastain’s ass for two seconds, and look at what he’s doing to you. I don’t even know who you are anymore, you are not the same Elizabeth I’ve known my whole life. It’s him, he’s changing you.”

  “We’ve already had this conversation, Shaw, and I’m not doing it again. If you don’t like who I spend my time with, well, you know what, who fucking cares? You lost your say in my decisions when you fucked someone else, and that’s not going to magically change just because you, all of the sudden, care.”

  “I’ve always cared, always. You know that.” He rubbed the heel of his hands in his eyes. “I’m not the enemy, baby. I love you, and want you back, I’d do anything for you, but I’m not the enemy. More than anything else, I want you to be happy.”

  “I’m still me, I didn’t change overnight because of anyone. I’m just being me without you, and that’s something you’ve never seen before.” I placed my hand on his arm. “I want you to be happy, too, Shaw, almost more than anything else. But that happiness won’t be with me. I love you, always have, and always will. But not like I used to, it’s a different love than before, but it’s no less strong, no less important to me.”

  I heard the door squeak open behind me and felt Shaw’s whole body tense.

  “If you get her hurt, I’ll fucking kill you!” Shaw yelled then leapt forward.

  Deacon didn’t falter, he keep on his path toward me, bringing him and Shaw face to face.

  “Man, I know you two have a history, and I can’t change that, but you need to know we’ve got a future, and learn to live with it. I’d never do anything to hurt Eli, period, no question.”

  “Just being here with you is hurting her. Those assholes could have hurt her today, and that would have been on you. You can’t protect her; you couldn’t even protect yourself.” Shaw yelled.

  Deacon didn’t back down, I swear his chest swelled and he stood a little taller to match Shaw’s height.

  “You think you know me, but you don’t have a clue. I protect what’s mine and she’s mine now, not yours. No one is going to hurt her again, ever.”

  Before I knew what was happening, two men flanked them. They were both broader and taller than either Deacon, or Shaw. Deacon turned his head looking at both of them then back to Shaw. His forehead was creased and his eyes were penetrating.

  “So, you planning on teaching me a lesson with these two, or what?”

  “You couldn’t protect her against those three men today, what makes you think you’d be successful against us?” Shaw asked.

  “Stop it! Both of you, stop it!” I yelled, moving to place myself in front of Deacon, my back to his front, and felt his hands move around my waist. “Shaw, you need to leave. This doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

  “I’m not leaving without you, Elizabeth.” Shaw declared.

  “Yes, you are. I have no interest in going anywhere with you, I’m leaving with Deacon.”

  “You know I can force you. The guys here can take care of Deacon, and I can force you to go with me.”

  His words crawled into my ears, but it took a moment for me to process how far he’d go to get what he wanted.

  “I suppose you could. But what would that get you? I won’t stay with you, and you know me well enough to know all it would do is make me hate you. I don’t hate you now, but if you don’t back the fuck off, I can easily see things ending up like that.” I threatened him because I didn’t know another way to protect Deacon, other than to hurt Shaw.

  “So this is how it’s going to end then? After all our years together, after everything I’ve done for you, you’re going to leave for him, ruin everything, for him.”

  “I’m not doing anything ‘for him’, or because of you. I’m doing what makes me happy, Shaw. You said you want me to be happy; well Deacon makes me happy right now. You used to make me happy, too, but that’s changed; you’ve changed. Stop pointing your finger at me saying I’ve changed and look at yourself because the Shaw I know wouldn’t be standing there threatening to kidnap me. I don’t want things t
o end like this, but it’s on you if they do.”

  His eyes were darting between Deacon and I like he was watching a tennis ball being struck back and forth between adversaries. I could see the wheels turning, trying to decide what to do. So quickly it took my breath away, his hand wrapped around my wrist and pulled me flush with him. His big arms smothered my body tightly, and I did the same around his waist. I felt his face turn into my hair and his lips lightly brush against my ear. Then he was gone. He released me and turned to walk to his car with the two guys trailing behind him.

  ***

  Deacon

  “Fuck, he’s right,” I admitted to her after Shaw’s car was out of sight. “I can’t protect you from them by myself. I couldn’t even protect you from Vito, and he wasn’t trying to hurt you today. What would have happened if he was?”

  “Stop! Don’t say that. Nothing happened to me today, you were the one that was hurt, not me.”

  “I know, all I did was redirect attention from you onto me, that’s not protecting you.” I took a deep breath, trying to clear the vision of them cutting her like they’d done to me, and nausea shot through my entire body. “You have to stay away.” I blurted out as I stumbled back several steps.

  “Stop, Deacon, please don’t say that.” She said, moving closer, putting her hands out to touch me. Her face was sad and tears were filling her eyes.

  I put my hands up to stop her. “You deserve better, someone that won’t put you in danger by merely existing. Because that’s me, even when I don’t cause it, trouble still finds me; always has.” I heard the words roll from my tongue and felt them shatter my heart into a million pieces all at once. I knew it was inevitable, knew it would come to this, but I’d still had hope that for once, everything wouldn’t crumble. Not now, now that fleeting promise of a future better than my sorry past was gone.

  “It’s too late for that shit. If you didn’t want me, you shouldn’t have taken me, you can’t give me back now!” She yelled at me, her face hardening at my words. Determination etched on every line, every curve. A resolve I’d seen in her before, but this was the first time it had been directed at me, about us.