Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I loved Deacon, too, even if I wasn’t ready to face it, or him.

  ***

  Deacon

  Apparently the world does continue to spin around, even when you feel like it’s stopped. Even if your whole existence has ceased to continue, it doesn’t stop for everyone else. I’d made many, many mistakes in my life, but trying to protect the woman I loved was not one of them, even if that was the thing currently ripping my fucking heart from my chest, so slowly I could feel each pull and tug.

  I’d spent so long living in an emotionally void limbo, just waiting for someone, anyone, to blow the damn barrier to shreds. When I’d finally broken free, my world was full of such color, such passion that this bleakness appeared even more somber than I remembered. The feelings I spent so much time writing lyrics about were actually happening to me, not some made up asshole created for entertainment; it was me. I knew love for the first time; never once, in all my years, had I felt love from someone that didn’t expect anything in return. The only price she’d asked for in return was the same affection I’d been more than willing to give her.

  She had loved me.

  She had seen me.

  I knew she had.

  The love I had for Eli was never more real than it was right this moment. There’d only been one other thing I’d ever loved in this world: music. Music had never forsaken me, always guided the way when I was lost. Without Eli, I couldn’t feel the music any longer, every note fell flat and did nothing to inspire the truth it had once encompassed.

  Life was empty. I’d spent weeks with no one. Tony and Angela had made their own choices to be cut from my life, and so had Eli. I wouldn’t force any of them to come back against their will, no matter how void my life was without them.

  I still played music, every day. Even though it no longer created the same feelings and emotions within, it was all I had. Unforgiven played with The Elle’s almost every night. Willow and I were forced to be face to freaking face every damn day. I’d forced myself to look at her as just another random person, not my only remaining link to Eli.

  I’d only tried once to get her to talk to Eli for me, and it hadn’t gone well.

  “Just tell her they drew their gun first, I was only trying to protect her. You have to tell her, you have to.”

  “Deacon, I don’t have to do anything. You haven’t seen her. She’s broken, her world is broken right now.”

  “So the fuck is mine, I’ve lost the only person important to me when all I was doing was trying to protect her.”

  “You don’t understand. No matter how big of a douche Shaw was, he was all she had for a very long time after she lost her dad. He was her everything for years, and she feels responsible for his death. I can’t just force her to get over that because you want me to.”

  “I don’t want her to ‘get over it,’ I want her to let me help her. She’s in so much pain, and I can be there for her. I want to help make it better.”

  “I know you do, and, honestly, I think you should. But she doesn’t. She thinks she deserves this grief, this pain, and I can’t take that from her, and neither can you. She’s coping with this the only way she knows how, and we have to let her.”

  “No I don’t, I’m going to have to talk to her.”

  “No, you won’t. Do you remember when I said you owed me a favor one day? Well I’m calling that favor in: I want you to leave her alone. Leave her alone, and let her find her own way back, in her own time. She will; I have no doubt she will. It’ll just take time.”

  “I can’t just sit here and do nothing, Willow.”

  “Then don’t, live your own life. Don’t just wait, live and eventually she’ll start to live, too.”

  I’d done what Willow asked of me. I was living, but I wasn’t feeling. Every morning I woke up, did what I was supposed to do, and acted the way I was supposed to act, but I never felt a single second of it in my heart, like I once had. My passion was locked away in a room, mourning alongside the woman I loved.

  What I’d promised Willow made it even harder when I received an invitation to an event in honor of Kirk Savage’s induction into the Hall of Fame. My first thought was “no fucking way”, but then I sat back and thought about the reasons I’d been invited in the first place. Word had gotten out about the similarities between our playing styles, as well as Kirk’s influence over me. It had started to get me a lot of attention, especially since I was playing his guitar at every single show. “The reincarnation of rock God Kirk Savage” one reporter had said. I wasn’t sure how true that was, but I didn’t try to fight it, either. Since Savage Man still represented us, even in Eli’s absence, they wanted me to play for the extra exposure it would give me and Unforgiven. I’d started to say no because I didn’t want any attention to be taken from the reasons behind this night, Kirk deserved it, and so did Eli. Then I realized it could possibly be my last chance to ever see her, and I could never pass that up.

  I couldn’t sleep the night before, like I was a greedy, snot-nosed kid on Christmas Eve. Tomorrow I’d see Eli. I’d spent days working on the perfect song to play. It was Eli’s favorite song of her dad’s, but I’d rewritten the words. The original song was a tribute from father to daughter; the new version was a declaration of things lost between lovers. I took the blue guitar she’d given me, the one that belonged to her dad, the one I’d greedily taken when I left her house for good, and headed to say goodbye to her forever. I couldn’t keep living my life waiting for her to start living hers. So tonight wasn’t about trying to win her back, tonight was closure on everything we had, and everything we could have had. I’d never truly let her go, but I had to move forward with my life, or I’d be stuck in this limbo forever.

  I drove like a maniac to get there, my foot wouldn’t let up on the gas, I was too focused on being close to her one last time, to smell her scent and see her beautiful face. Then I arrived at the event, palms sweaty, heart racing. My hand refused to grasp the handle and open the car door. I stared at it, wondering when it had become detached from my body. It hadn’t, obviously. Realization that this would be the last time, my last chance, and I was so easily going to throw it away just to say goodbye was stopping me. My body was rebelling, not willing to follow my brain down this heartbreaking path.

  A teenager dressed in a standard issue valet vest tapped on my window.

  “Sir, if you’d like to attend the party, I can park your car for you.”

  I smiled at him, trying my best not to look like a lunatic.

  “Here ya go, man, thanks.” I said as I finally got out of the vehicle and walked toward the front door.

  Two huge ornate hunks of wood opened in front of me at the hands of two more teenagers, paid to be pleasant to all who entered. Taking two steps into the grand room glowing with huge crystal globes hanging from the ceiling, my eyes immediately went to her. She was standing at the top of a long staircase, and she was even more breathtaking than the images I played on a constant loop through my mind. My memory of her did nothing for the real Eli. Her body was covered in a flowing blue dress, and I could almost swear it was the same color as my eyes. I’d sucked it up and worn the tux like I was told to do on the invitation, but it made me feel like a kid dressing up in my father’s clothes, awkward and like an imposter.

  An array of what looked like strings of Christmas lights flowed behind her, making her glow like an angel. My breath left me in one swift rush, like I was struck directly in the center of my chest.

  She looked absolutely gorgeous, but she also looked so sad. Her eyes were dull, compared to how alive I knew they had once been. Gazing down at me I saw her eyes fill with memories, and I hoped they were good, and brought her happiness instead of pain. That’s all I wanted for her, happiness.

  Seeing her hurt, it damaged me like someone had stuck an ice pick through my heart. I turned away from her, her presence had more effect on me than I thought it would; than I’d hoped it would. This was never going to be easy, I wasn’t stupid enough
to believe that. But I never expected her to look sad. Tonight was huge for her dad, and I expected her to be smiling, laughing, and enjoying it. That would have made saying goodbye to her easier. No matter how fucked up it sounded, seeing her happy without me would have made facing the days alone less difficult, even if I was miserable, it would give me strength to keeping going.

  Making my way backstage to warm up for my song, I tried my best to focus on anything besides her. Her face, her hair that hung low in her eyes that my fingers longed to push behind her ear, every part of her body that mine craved to feel. Chills ran down my spine causing my hair to stand on end, I’d never felt such a physical pull to anyone in my life.

  It was my turn to sing, my turn to pour my heart and soul into the goodbye I had penned just for Eli. My feet hit the wooden stage with a loud bang, almost making me jump. There was a single stool, perfectly center which I made my way to and sat down. I could feel Eli directly in front of me, her eyes burning into me. I couldn’t look at her; I’d never make it through what I had to do if I looked at her. Saying goodbye was best for both of us, she could move on and be happy, and maybe someday I could, too.

  Pushing the guitar plug into the amp, I tried to pool all my nervous energy into the song. The fact that some of the most famous musicians of all time were sitting in this room waiting for me to sing, was lost on me. I couldn’t fucking care less. The only person I cared about, at this moment, was the girl in the front row, with hair the color of licorice, wearing a dress the color to match my eyes. So I let my fingers glide over the strings, and I said the goodbye my heart already regretted.

  While the world is still living

  All my passion has faded away

  My fingers on this guitar to stop feeling the ache

  ‘Cause she’ll never long for me

  I deceived myself

  She was gone from the instant I loved her

  My heart still calls to her

  As I try to find the power to move forward somehow

  No, I won’t ever forget us

  Her love was blue and made for another

  A fairytale I could never measure

  Full of prosperity and control

  I was meager with no rise in sight

  I deceived myself

  She was gone from the instant I loved her

  My heart still calls to her

  As I try to find the power to move forward somehow

  No, I won’t ever forget us

  Tears of loss falling down as I try to forget

  Her love was a ruse from when I first fell

  None of her love, all meant for them

  Cause of my pain when I think back to then

  I remember her smell as it filled me full

  The sound of betrayal as it spilled from her lips

  Say to myself time and time again

  I’ll never need her from now on

  I deceived myself

  She was gone from the instant I loved her

  My heart still calls to her

  As I try to find the power to move forward somehow

  No, I won’t ever forget us

  It was never meant to be

  My heart knows that now

  I’ve found the will to forget her now

  My bequest to you ‘cause I know that’s your will

  I didn’t dare look at Eli during any word of the song, but I could hear her sobs echo through my ears. I didn’t have a clue why she was crying, maybe she was upset I’d changed the words to her father’s song—I had no fucking idea. I finally played the last note and flew down the steps to where she was sitting. If I didn’t face her now, I’d never have the courage to do it again.

  Looking up from the floor, she looked shocked to see me standing in front of her. I held her dad’s guitar in my hand, I had to give it back to her because the emotional weight of its presence after tonight would push me over the ledge. Lifting it toward her, I waited and waited for her to take it. Her eyes moved from the guitar, to my face, then back again; I didn’t dare look into her eyes that were still filled with tears. Finally, I felt the weight of the guitar disappear from me as it transferred over to her grasp, and felt my heart leave my body to follow after it, after her.

  I don’t remember walking away. I just remember feeling like my task was complete; I’d done what I came here for, so it was time to get my sorry ass gone.

  “Wait, stop!” I heard her voice ring through my ears, followed by the pounding of her feet as they grew closer.

  I didn’t. I kept walking, one foot in front of the other, but that’s as far as I made it: one fucking step after she commanded me to stop.

  “Deacon, wait!” She said, breathless.

  I turned to look at her, but didn’t speak.

  Her chest was heaving with quick breaths, and she was clutching the guitar to her chest.

  “I…it was…” She trailed off, and I couldn’t fathom what the hell she was trying to say.

  The next musician started playing one of Kirk’s songs, and the sound filtering through the amp blocked any conversation we might have had. Instead we just stood there, with hundreds of people staring at us as we stared at each other.

  “Come.” She yelled at me, and I almost pissed myself when she threaded her fingers through mine, and led us toward the front doors.

  The dry summer heat hit me first, followed by the smell of her perfume the wind carried back to me. Once outside we began the same staring contest we’d just been having inside. I didn’t know what she was fucking waiting for, but I’d pretty much said my goodbye inside, and I really didn’t want to hear hers; I didn’t think my shattered heart could take the sound of goodbye coming from her lips.

  “Eli, you don’t have to say anything.” She opened her mouth, but I waved my hand to silence her. “I just wanted to give the guitar back to you, I’ll leave now.”

  I slowly backed away from her.

  “Deacon, I’m ready.” She blurted out quickly.

  “What?” I asked. “Ready for what?”

  “I’m ready to stop blaming myself. I’m ready to see the world for what it is again, with you. I wanna see it with you.”

  I shook my head.

  “Yes. I’ve spent too long blaming myself for what happened. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person I was before, but I’m ready to try…I want the darkness gone, and only you can give me that.” Her eyes were bright again, like I’d once seen them, so full of life and hope that it scared me. I had nothing left to give her; the song I just played had been the last piece of my heart I had to offer her.

  “I can’t give you anything, Eli, especially not that. All I have is darkness, that’s all I’ve ever had. You, you were the only bright in my whole life, and I ruined that, too. No, you can’t expect me to save you because I can’t.”

  “I don’t want you to save me. I want us to save each other.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Eli Blue

  He walked away, walked away and never looked back; I stood there and watched. I waited for him to look back, they—whoever “they” are—say that means a person really loves you. When they can’t help but look back as they walk away, as they fucking leave you forever, but he didn’t. Guess that gave me my answer.

  So that was it, I was going to be a shell of the girl I used to be for the rest of my life. Always wondering what I could have done differently. I could have gone to him sooner, not let him decide his life was better without me. When he played the song, I knew he was gone; I knew he was past me, but I guess I needed him to stomp on my heart one final time before he disappeared forever.

  I’d been lying here, staring at the shadows as they danced across my ceiling for hours. I hadn’t even bothered to go back into the party after Deacon left. Dave found me and sent me home in his car. I’d stripped down to my panties and thrown myself on the bed, which is where I’ve been since that moment. My body dead weight on the bed, I felt like I’d never have the desire, or energy, t
o be anywhere but this bed; where I could constantly relive all my memories. A safe cocoon, filled with nothing but warmth.

  I fell asleep sometime during the night and woke to the smell of coffee filling my senses. I looked at the clock and saw it was barely five in the morning, way too early for my coffee to be brewing. I threw on my robe and grabbed the baseball bat I kept strategically placed by my bed before tiptoeing down the stairs. A rhythmic hum was filtering from the kitchen.

  I froze in the doorway when I saw Deacon, sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee out of my favorite mug. He knew how I felt about that mug. I stumbled in and pointed my baseball bat at him, almost ready to take a swing.

  “I’m in love with you, Eli.” He declared. “I’ve known it since I first laid eyes on you. It just took me awhile to see things clearly, to know that I might actually deserve someone like you.”

  I lowered the bat and stared at him.

  “Deacon-” I tried to speak.

  “I know I’m not exactly the kind of man you always dreamed about, I’m definitely not Prince Charming. If I was you, I wouldn’t choose me.”

  “Deacon,” I sighed and walked toward him. “I’ve had time to think things through, as well. I’ve been holding my love in for a while, since that first night, since you shoved me against the wall, and made me feel wanted…and I’ve loved every minute with you since then.”

  Relief spread across his face as he slowly closed his eyes.

  “I have, too…”

  “Wait, let me finish.” I said, holding my finger to his lips. “I’ve had heartache, more heartache than I’d wish on anyone. I don’t want anymore, no more pieces of my heart leaving me.”

  “I’m not gonna be one of them, I’m not gonna leave again. I never thought I’d live to find someone like you, Eli. Never thought I’d be able to wake up next to someone as fucking good as you. I know how lucky I am to look at your face every day and know that you see me, you see all of me: the good, the broken, and the healed. I always thought I’d end up like Tony, or worse, dead in some fucking gutter—that’s the only future I ever saw for myself. But then tonight, thinking I’d never see you again, was the worst feeling I’d ever had in my life, as I walked away from you I felt everything good about me dying. I can’t lose you again, Eli.”