Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “God, Aubrey, what are you doing to me?” he groans against my lips as he plunges into me.

  His lips steal any opportunity that I have to respond. I can barely breathe, but if I pass out, I’ll be tasting his lips. A release I don’t feel coming shudders through me, pulling him over as well. We lie there, panting and staring at each other, wide-eyed.

  He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I didn’t see you coming.”

  I start to ask him what that means, but he shakes his head, dipping his lips to mine and sweetly kissing me.

  Chapter 17

  It might seem silly, but with my mom’s help before the trip, I bought a ring especially for my visit to the Taj Mahal. Security is tight, and I don’t want to have to explain Ally’s ashes to them. So, instead of my little plastic container, I have an old pillbox ring. I won’t be able to bring as much of Ally as I want, but I know this place is special to her. I leave the rest of Ally’s ashes in our room.

  I also don’t want to get so lost in Adam that I forget the real reason I’m on this trip in the first place. I need to find myself and take time to say good-bye.

  Out of all the places in the world, Ally always wanted to visit India in particular. There’s something so exotic and romantic about it, especially the Taj Mahal. She wanted to see its reflection across the pools for herself.

  The idea always seemed so romantic to me—a memorial built to the love of your life. It also makes me wonder how the Emperor Shah Jahan’s other wives felt about it.

  The area around the Taj Mahal is considered pollution-free, so no cars are allowed near it. August in India is still oppressively hot. Our plan for our days in the country is to visit the places we want to see early in the day and be back in our room before the sun makes it uncomfortably hot.

  We hire a rickshaw to take us there. Only, the driver keeps trying to take us shopping instead, pissing off Adam. We were warned prior to coming to India that anyone who tries to lead you to a certain shop is probably getting some sort of commission.

  I know Adam is just excited to start taking pictures. Architectural elements seem to be his favorite things to take pictures of. He still enjoys the shots he took in Africa. It’s just that he’s more inspired by human creation than natural scenes.

  I think it has to do with feeling in control. He can examine and capture the pieces of a building and understand how they came together. Nature, while beautiful, is unpredictable. Adam likes control.

  When he reaches for my hand, I pause, looking around. Aren’t there rules against public displays of affection? “Are we allowed?”

  He actually smiles. “Yes, Aubrey. We’re allowed to hold hands, anything more probably not.”

  Despite the heat, in case we have time to see the mosques, I’m wearing a long maxi skirt and a long-sleeved lightweight cotton shirt. Once we’re through security and have our water and shoe covers, we pull out our phones. We both have walking tours of the Taj Mahal uploaded to them.

  We hold hands, pausing whenever Adam wants to take some pictures, and we make our way around the grounds. At one point, as I watch him taking some pictures, it hits me that no one perfect shot or angle can truly capture its beauty. I wonder if this wasn’t a tomb, if it would still feel sad. A famous poet called the Taj Mahal “a teardrop on the cheek of time.”

  We’re not allowed to take pictures inside the mausoleum, but Adam takes many up-close pictures of the inlay stonework outside. The white marble is so bright against the blue sky.

  Depending on the angle, it almost hurts to look directly at it. As numbers of workers and years of construction fill my thoughts, I try to imagine the Taj Mahal as it was being built. The emperor had planned a mirror-image black tomb to sit across the river, but his son stopped him. I’m almost happy that happened because the emperor is now buried with his wife here.

  Adam has me sit on a bench, so he can take my picture with the tomb behind me. I rest my ring hand on top of my other on my lap. Then, he sits next to me, holding his camera out to get both of our faces in the shot. A person walks by and offers to take a picture for us, but he declines, leery of handing his pretty expensive camera to a stranger. I stay on the bench, turning to look back at the iconic view. Adam gets up to go look at something near us.

  Throughout the day, I struggle with where to release Ally’s ashes. There are beautiful, elaborate gardens all around the grounds, but none of them feel right. I decide there, on that bench, in that unwatched moment, that Ally should have that view of the Taj. I bend down and pretend to adjust the strap of my sandal, but I slowly spill her ashes instead. The small gray hill they form is so different from the previous ones. I lay my hand on top of them, pressing them into the ground beneath me, and I make her one with this place.

  We walk to the small gift shop and find another charm for my bracelet. Just outside the shop, Adam hooks it on for me. I now have five charms on my bracelet, and I feel comfort in its weight on my wrist. The heat begins to bother both of us, so we bid farewell to the Taj not long after.

  We head back to our hotel, and we are happy to eat the food from the night before. I change into shorts and an old T-shirt and nap while Adam uploads and edits pictures on his computer.

  I’m just starting to wake up when he crawls into bed with me.

  “Stay with me,” he pleads, pulling me closer.

  I turn, wrapping my arms around his neck. “You should have taken a nap first.”

  He buries his face in my neck. “I know.”

  I laugh, pulling back to look at his sleepy face. “Did you get all your pictures uploaded and edited?”

  His eyes close as he nods. “Most of them.”

  I figure a longer nap isn’t such a bad idea, and I settle down into his arms.

  When we awake, he shows me pictures from the trip so far. I’ve seen the ones from London already, but it’s fun to think back to the other places we’ve visited, the things we’ve seen. Since the hotel has Wi-Fi, I have him email some of my favorite ones to me, so I can send them in an email to my parents. Guilt is the main reason I email. I don’t want them to worry, and I haven’t sent them anything in a while.

  I look at my watch, trying to figure out the time difference, when I realize I never changed the time zone to Agra. “Have you seen my manual?” I ask, digging through my bag.

  He walks over to me and unhooks my watch from my wrist. “I think you should lose the watch.”

  I watch as he drops it into my suitcase. “But how will I know what time it is?”

  He clears his throat and pulls his phone out of his pocket.

  I duck my head, resting my forehead against his chest. “Oh my God, I’m a dumbass.”

  He slips his phone back into his pocket and rubs my back with both hands. “Happens to all of us.”

  I rest my cheek flat against his chest. “We’re halfway done, you know.”

  His hands pause for a moment before they begin again. “I know.”

  I peer up at him. “So, what should we do now?”

  He tilts his head to the side. “We could walk around and find a place to have dinner.”

  Though slightly wrinkled, my clothes from earlier are still clean. I change into them, and we hold hands as we walk around Agra. We stay near our hotel, not wanting to have a long walk back. I check out a few shops, finding a pretty purple sari to bring home for my mom and a green one for myself.

  We have dinner. I don’t eat much. The least spicy dish is still too much for me. When we get back to our hotel, Adam runs up to get me sweet bread from the rooftop restaurant. I surprise him by changing into my sari while he’s gone. My food is forgotten once he’s back, his full attention on unwrapping me.

  I wake up the next morning to him playing with my hair. I squint up at him. “Having fun?”

  He nods, pushing some into my eyes. I smooth it back before reaching to tousle his hair.

  “A few years ago, my hair was closer to your length,” I admit.

  He reaches out t
o run his fingers through my hair again, not messing it up this time. “Why so short?”

  I close my eyes, partly because what he’s doing feels good and also because I’m not sure if I can talk about Ally and not get upset. “My aunt had chemo and started losing her hair, so my parents and I shaved our heads.”

  His fingers move down to trace the wings on my back. “This aunt?”

  I nod. “Ally.”

  “Do you want to talk about her?”

  I turn onto my back and look up at the ceiling. “I just miss her.” I glance over at him. “This trip was supposed to be for her.”

  He looks at me confused, so I go on. “While she was sick, we planned this amazing trip she would take when she got better. She left the trip for me to take instead after she died.”

  “I had no idea,” he says, shaking his head.

  “I know.” I laugh dryly. “I heard you that first night in the hallway, telling someone about the spoiled girl you were stuck with.”

  He drops his forehead to the pillow. “Wow. I was a total asshole, wasn’t I?”

  I hold my index finger and thumb up to show how much of an asshole I thought he was, giggling when he acts like he’s going to bite my hand.

  Not long after, he goes off in search of breakfast while I get ready. After breakfast, we hire a car to take us to see the Chausath Khamba. It has all of these domes, but they’re reversed, and the monument has a flat roof.

  Adam is in heaven. He takes a ton of pictures, sometimes focusing on the minutest details.

  From there, we have a car take us to John William Hessing’s tomb, also known as the Red Taj Mahal. It’s within a Roman Catholic cemetery. I have some of Ally’s ashes with me, not that she ever spoke of this place. She didn’t. I only discovered it while planning the trip with my mom.

  It’s nowhere near as big or grand as the real Taj Mahal, but something about it intrigues me. It was commissioned by a wife of a Dutch soldier after his death. It was built with red sandstone and mimics the original Taj Mahal.

  It’s missing the four towers though. The wife ran out of money before it was finished. I hope it’s someplace Ally will enjoy being. I think she would have loved the romance of the story and the idea that it’s not as well known.

  It’s surrounded by other graves, some larger than others. Some markers aren’t unlike the gravestones of a modern day U.S. cemetery. There’s also a grouping of domed structures to the one side of Hessing’s tomb. It’s here where I sit, legs crossed, and I spread Ally’s ashes.

  Adam is off somewhere, taking pictures. I think this spot is pretty, and I like that there’s some shade, probably more for me than for Ally. I’m not sure what to do or what to say. I finally decide to tell her about Adam. I speak quietly since there are other people around, not many, but I don’t want to look crazy. I set a sheet of paper on the ground in front of me that I can plausibly say I’m reading if anyone hears me.

  It just feels right to talk to her about the boy in my life. I tell her what he looks like and what a pain in my ass he was in the beginning. I admit to her that I did some things I’m not proud of, particularly sneaking off the two times. I tell her what his kisses feel like and how sometimes I feel breathless in his arms. I look around to make sure I’m still alone when I tell her I’m scared that I’m falling for him. My hand still rests on her earthly remains. It’s then when I feel the power of how gone she is.

  If she were here, it would be now that I would ask for her advice. A cooling breeze kicks up, ruffling my hair and pushing the oppressive heat that led me to sit in the first place away from me. I’m not sure why, but I feel her presence so strongly in this moment. She’s the breeze all around me. She’s so close, but I still can’t hug her. It’s not enough, but since it’s all I have, I close my eyes and try to feel her with all I have.

  When the moment passes and I no longer feel her, I open my eyes to see Adam standing off a ways, watching me. I flex my hand, mentally giving Ally all my love, before standing up to go meet him. He sees me coming and moves toward me as well.

  “Get some good pictures?” I ask.

  He reaches for my hand, his thumb brushing over the top of it. He ignores my question. “You okay? You looked so sad a minute ago.”

  I turn my head, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “Being in a cemetery just made me think about Ally.”

  He squeezes my hand. “That makes sense. Will some sweets cheer you up?”

  I look back at him. “What?”

  “Some guy back that way told me we’re crazy if we haven’t tried any of the famous Agra sweets.”

  “Well, what are we waiting for?”

  ***

  Our car picks us up from the hotel to take us back to the airport in New Delhi. From there, we’re headed to China.

  We have a layover in Shanghai, but it’s the kind where we just wait on the plane. I use this time to try to get Adam to open up more about his past.

  I lay my head on his shoulder, placing my hand atop his as it rests on my leg. “What made you decide to lose the weight?”

  I can hear his slight intake of air as he processes my question. After a long pause, he says, “It just got in the way.”

  “Are you ever going to tell me?”

  He rests his cheek on top of my head. “It’s just not something I talk about.”

  I let it go, relaxing against him for the remainder of our journey. When we land in Beijing and after going through health, quarantine, and immigration, we find out my luggage is missing.

  “But we never even changed planes,” I try in vain to stress to the agent at the customer service desk for our airline.

  My tears confuse Adam. He tries to tell me everything will be all right and anything I had can be replaced. I can’t tell him right there about Ally’s ashes. I’m beside myself as I watch Adam give the airline clerk our hotel information in case my luggage turns up. He doesn’t understand why I don’t want to leave, why I want to stay, and why I want them to let me search the plane myself. He even gets annoyed at me when I start crying in the baggage claim area.

  It’s not until we’re in the taxi on the way to the hotel when I tell him that Ally’s ashes are in there. He slides across the backseat and pulls me into his arms.

  “I am so sorry. I didn’t know.” He squeezes me. “If you want, we can go back and make sure they’re searching for your luggage.”

  He’s only half-serious. We both know the airline wouldn’t do anything differently if we were there. It just makes me feel a little better that he offers.

  The taxi ride to the hotel is a blur. It’s late, I’m upset, and I’m not that interested in Beijing at the moment. I stand off to the side while Adam checks us in at the hotel.

  Not caring about the time difference, I call my parents when we get up to our room. I know they won’t be able to do anything. I just need to hear their voices. Adam goes down to the gift shop to get us food to snack on. We completely skipped dinner, except for the fruit the room came stocked with.

  “I don’t think I can eat anything,” I admit, feeling sick from not knowing where my bag is.

  “Maybe a drink?” he asks cautiously.

  It only reminds me of conversations I had with Ally, trying to get her to eat before she died. He watches me with an expression of confusion as I dissolve into fresh tears. How can he know that trying to get me to eat will only remind me of her? I know I’m poor company. It doesn’t stop me from being upset. Adam still tries to distract me.

  He eventually gives up, and we fall asleep apart for the first time in days.

  When I awake the next morning, Adam is not asleep next to me. But somehow my luggage is in front of me. I tear into it, looking for the wooden box that holds Ally’s ashes. Adam watches quietly from across the room as tears of relief stream down my face. After wiping my tears away, I motion for him to come and sit by me.

  “How?” I look at him.

  “I went down to the front desk. The airline had found yo
ur luggage and sent it right over.”

  I hug Ally’s ashes to my chest and close my eyes. Silly as it seems, I introduce him to Ally. He doesn’t seem uncomfortable or weirded out by it. Now that I no longer need to hide her box, I rest her by the window.

  I can finally relax and appreciate the coolness of our room. The Emperor, our hotel, overlooks the pagodas of the Forbidden City. Even though it’s surrounded by all of this history, it has a decidedly modern Ikea-ish feel. Our room has white and sage green as the accent color scheme. There’s a line mimicking the skyline of the Forbidden City painted onto the green strip of paint that breaks up one wall.

  On the way to breakfast, I notice the buttons in the elevator are in English too. We have breakfast on the rooftop deck before walking over to the Forbidden City. It was once a palace but is now an incredible museum. We spend most of the day looking at paintings, jade pieces, and Ming Dynasty vases.

  Adam can’t stop taking pictures of the buildings and the pagoda-topped towers. We spend part of the afternoon in the gardens until we have to stop for a late lunch. My feet are sore even though I’m wearing comfortable sandals.

  We stumble across an unexpected gem of a restaurant near Jingshan Park. There’s a beautiful courtyard lined with small red statues on the sides and black ones haphazardly across the middle. They come just below my knee and are all slightly different.

  We feel slightly underdressed once we enter the main building, but the staff is so accommodating that we feel instantly at ease. They speak English, which relaxes me because I know I can trust what I’m ordering. The food is expensive, but the experience is worth it. There are multiple courses and unexpected dishes between the ordered courses.

  This is my first experience in eating food that looks more like art. My main dish is a beef bourguignon, and Adam’s is a seafood en papillote. We’re stuffed after the breads, salads, cheeses, pastas, and our main dishes.

  Our walk back to the hotel is refreshing. It feels like we’re simultaneously in two worlds, the ancient moat and walls of the Forbidden City on one side and our modern hotel on the other.