Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Elle is ready and waiting with everyone, holding Harrison’s hand. I want to laugh at the sheer difference between the two of them. There stands a man, with his excessively tattooed arms holding hands with a petite wannabe cheerleader. Holding his other hand is his son. When you look at Quinn, you can tell that he belongs to a drummer by the way he dresses, with his red velvet jacket, the collar up and his black pants. He’s a smaller version of Harrison and already carries himself full of confidence. But my Elle, she’s opposite, prissy almost; always in a dress with her hair done just right. She’d wear make-up if I’d let her. This unlikely trio is like night and day and I’m on the outside watching as this man develops a relationship with my daughter. Sometimes it makes me want to scream and sometimes I want to be thankful that she’s okay talking to him, or anyone for that matter because I just don’t have the answers for her right now. I don’t even have the answers for Peyton, who needs me the most.

  Harrison looks over his shoulder and smiles at me. For the first time I don’t hesitate and smile back. Maybe we can be friends, nothing more, though. He’s not my type and I love my husband, whether he’s here to love me back or not.

  I follow everyone out and onto the bus. Peyton hasn’t moved, her hands are locked tight around my neck. If I let go, she’d hang off me like a monkey. I’m tempted to try this, but that was something Mason did with the girls. He’d let them climb all over him and never tell them to get down. It didn’t matter what he was doing, even if he was watching football, the girls acted like he was a jungle gym.

  “Girls, get down. Your dad is trying to scout the game.”

  “They’re fine, babe.”

  “No, they aren’t. You have work to do.”

  “And I’m doing it, see.” Mason holds up his pen and notepad and points to the TV where the game film is running on loop.

  Peyton and Elle are climbing all over him, hanging from his arms. It doesn’t faze him, but it does me. I don’t want to see him get angry with them for bugging him while he’s working.

  “I’ll take them to the store with me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because they are bugging you.”

  Mason sets down his pad and pulls each girl off of him. He stands and comes over to me, pulling me into his arms.

  “Are you jealous of your daughters?”

  “What? No. Why would I be?”

  Mason shrugs. “I don’t know. I have two very gorgeous brunettes showering me with attention and my very sexy wife trying to make them stop. I think you want to hang on me for a while.”

  I bite my lip to stop the smirk forming and shake my head. “You’re impossible.”

  Mason kisses my neck, working his way to my ear. “I love you, Mrs. Powell and I love those two girls right over there. If they are bugging me, I’ll ask for help. I’d honestly like for you to come sit in between my legs and help me work.”

  I push him slightly. “You’re incorrigible.”

  “You love me.”

  “I do, more than anything.”

  I wish I had a camera at the time to capture those moments between Mason and the girls. I’m not sure I ever thought to take a picture when they were climbing all over him or sitting on his lap while he was scouting. So many memories that I’ve missed and I’ll never get back or be able to show the girls just how great their dad was.

  I’m relishing the fact that she’s letting me hold her for so long. I don’t want to put Peyton down. I want to cuddle with her until she feels safe enough to open up. Josie’s right, the girls need to speak to someone about what they’re dealing with. Clearly, I’m not enough, and I need to be okay with that.

  I sit down on the couch and immediately regret it. She’s out of my arms faster than I can ask her to stay. She goes to Noah and sits down. He doesn’t acknowledge her, but Quinn does. I can’t hear what they are talking about, but Peyton smiles and Noah rolls his eyes.

  The bus roars to life and the kids all cheer. They should be sleeping, but tour life doesn’t allow for normal hours. We’ll drive for a few hours before getting to our hotel, where we’ll stay for a few days and take the kids to Disney World. This will be a first for Noah, Peyton and Elle. This was something Mason and I had talked about many times and I hate that he’s not here to share it with us.

  Liam sits down next me and hands me a bottle of water. “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. I get a bit stressed and the flowers, they set me off.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not,” he says as he shakes his head. I watch as he downs the bottle of water in one gulp. I’ve always wondered how he and Mason could do that. I’d choke if I tried.

  “It is. I just don’t want to be fired.”

  Liam laughs. “I couldn’t fire you if I wanted.”

  “Yeah, why’s that?”

  He looks around and his eyes land on Harrison who is talking with the kids not a few feet away from us. “He’d kill me.”

  I shake my head. I know Liam and Josie think he’d be a good fit for me, but I don’t. We have nothing in common.

  “You need to stop.”

  “Stop what?” he asks nonchalantly.

  “Trying to fix us up. He’s not my type.”

  Liam leans back and puts his arm on the back of the couch. He grins so brightly when Josie comes down the aisle. He loves her just like Mason loved me. I can see it in the way he looks at her.

  “Am I Josie’s type?”

  “Of course.”

  Liam looks at me questioningly. “Seriously? Look at me, with my tattoos, motorcycle and music. This is the not the Liam that she fell in love with. That Liam was a football star. He woke up every morning and ate some gross protein shit. He worked out during and after school. He was football. Now look at him. He’s the exact opposite of who she fell in love with.”

  “What’s your point?”

  “My point is that you fell in love with Mason when you were fifteen. He’s all you’ve ever known. Who’s to say that he wouldn’t have gotten a tattoo when he entered the NFL? Would you have loved him any less? Probably not, I’m guessing. Thing is, Katelyn, love doesn’t know the way someone looks. Love knows the inside of who that person is. I’m not saying you need to fall in love with Harrison or Joe Smith, but I don’t want to see you pass up what’s in front of you. I’m not saying you have to get over Mason, but just open your eyes a little and see what’s out there. You’re young and beautiful and some man is going to be so lucky to be by your side.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “You’re right, it’s not. I looked for ten years for a way to replace Josie and failed. You can’t replace Mason even if you tried, but you can find some happiness and love if you allow yourself to.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  Liam laughs. “I’m not telling you to jump into bed with someone. I’m just suggesting that you start looking around and think about becoming friends with a few new people. You’re the one who told me Harrison isn’t your type.”

  I cover my face with my hands while he laughs beside me. What is wrong with me? I’m married, even if my husband isn’t around. I can’t just start over with another man. Life isn’t supposed to work that way.

  “Just so you know, Harrison hasn’t had a real girlfriend since Quinn was born. He’s just as shy as you are.”

  Liam stands and I watch as he scoops Josie up and sits her down on his lap. They are disgustingly happy and it makes me sick because I used to be like that and everything in me is telling me I can be like that again. I just don’t know how, or if I can ever bring myself to enjoy the company of another man again. I’m not sure I’d ever get passed feeling like I’m betraying Mason.

  I look over at my girls and smile. I have them. I don’t need a man to make me feel complete as a woman. I stand and go over to them. Elle smiles at me and Peyton stares at me, knowing that I’m about to call it a night for them.

  “Come on, girls. It’s late and we need sleep.” Peyton h
uffs and rolls her eyes. I don’t want to be difficult with her, but she’s pushing the limits with her attitude.

  “You too, Noah,” Liam says. He obeys, putting the controller from his video game down. Quinn follows, stopping to give his dad a hug and kiss. It’s not something I see from boys, but Quinn does it. Josie follows me to the rooms. She goes one way with the boys and I go the other with the girls.

  I tuck them in once they’re changed. Our bedtime routine has changed with us being on the road. It’s just an adventure, I remind myself. When we get home, everything will be somewhat normal again. I kiss both girls and tell them that I love them. Elle returns the sentiment, but Peyton just rolls over and faces the wall.

  “I love you, Peyton,” I say again.

  “Okay.”

  I lay down with her and pull her to my chest. My hand rests next to her face. Her pillow is wet. I can’t help her. I can’t make her pain go away.

  “I’m so sorry, my sweet baby,” I whisper in her ear and hold her tighter. It doesn’t take long for her to drift off to sleep. Her light snores echo in the confined space. I kiss her softly on her cheek and do the same for Elle.

  With a deep breath, I leave their room and pray that the demons stay away from Peyton for just one night.

  ***

  Chapter9

  Harrison

  I’ve never wanted to be a fly on the wall until tonight while watching Liam talk to Katelyn. I wanted to know what he was saying. I tried not to lean forward and listen, but I caught myself doing just that a few times. When Josie sat down and started talking about inconsequential things, I wanted to kindly ask her to be quiet so I could maybe hear what Liam was saying.

  But I didn’t.

  The bus is quiet. I hate quiet. I need noise to feel at ease. Everyone’s gone to bed except for me and JD, although being asleep in the chair is close enough. I pull out my phone and push the button for GPS. We are a still a few hours away from our hotel, but there’s not enough time for it to matter if I sleep now or later. The plan is to take an early morning nap at the hotel before we hit the theme parks in the afternoon.

  I’m excited about going to Disney, mostly because I’m looking for any excuse I can get to be close to Katelyn. I know she’s struggling with Peyton. I’ve racked my brain trying to think of ways I can help, but short of finding a spell to raise the dead, I’m no use. Not that I’d actually do that. I thought that Quinn might be the answer, but he’s never known his mom, so it’s hard to say he’s been there.

  A door shuts quietly behind me. I turn and see Katelyn coming down the aisle. She’s dressed in an oversize t-shirt and for my sake I hope she has shorts on underneath, because all I can see are her legs and they are very bare. I have to bite the inside of my cheek in order to keep my mouth closed.

  I wish I knew how to talk to her in a way to get her to open up. Since moving to Beaumont, I haven’t given another woman a second glance. With Katelyn, I’m not only giving her a second one, but a third, fourth and fifth whenever she’s in the room. I could live a day without water if I was granted the permission to just stare at her.

  I can’t look up and make eye contact with her, even though it’s probably the right thing to do. My eyes follow the steps she takes as she passes me. I wonder if she’s sleep walking or if I’m even awake. Maybe I’m dreaming and she’s not really here - standing in my general vicinity - half naked.

  I swallow hard when she sits down and tucks her legs underneath her. Does she not see me sitting here? Of course she doesn’t, I’m invisible. I need to find a way for her to see me, the real me on the inside and not the graffiti’d man she sees when she looks at me. I see the way she looks at my arms. I have no doubt that the wheels are turning in her head wondering why someone would cover their arms with ink. All she has to do is ask and I’ll tell her. I’m an open book once you crack my cover.

  I clear my throat, but that doesn’t get her attention. What the hell? “Hi,” I say loud enough to cause JD to adjust in the chair. I wish he’d wake up and leave now that she’s here. I want to bask in her presence without an audience.

  “Hi.” Her reply is soft, quiet. Is she afraid to wake up the log-sawing machine?

  I look over at JD and shake my head. “Sorry. He’s not usually like this.”

  “It’s okay.”

  At least she’s answering me. It means that she’s actually awake, although I’m not sure I am. I look back at her and see that she’s rubbing her arms. She’s cold. I get up and go to the closet and pull out a blanket. Sitting down, I unfold it and lay it on top of her.

  “Thank you.”

  I nod. “Why are you up?”

  She looks up at me. Her eyes are sharp. “Do you want me to leave?”

  I swallow hard, catching myself from squeaking out an answer. “No, not at all. It’s just that it’s late, or early depending on how you look at things. I thought I was the only one still functioning.”

  “I couldn’t sleep. What’s your excuse?”

  This is the most she’s spoken to me since I’ve met her. “I have a hard time unwinding after a show, especially when I know we’re stopping soon.”

  Katelyn looks at me but doesn’t say anything. No acknowledgment or anything. The awkward silence follows. It shouldn’t because I have so many things I want to ask her. Actually that’s not true. I know what her favorite color is, her favorite food and how she takes her coffee. I’ve paid attention these past few months, learning how she functions and what makes her tick.

  I don’t know what to do or say. This is where I fail. This is where I’ve had my status as a drummer work to my benefit. Most women I’ve gone home with don’t care about what’s on my mind or how I like my coffee. They aren’t looking for a meaningful conversation. They just want one thing.

  I don’t want that with Katelyn. I don’t want her to be someone that I just bring home when the urge is there, because with her even breathing, the urge is there. I want to know her, inside and out. I want to learn how to fall in love with her as my partner.

  I can’t keep staring at her or off in to space. I don’t know how to proceed. I don’t want to push her into talking to me. I pick up my book and flip to the page where I left off. The words blur in my mind. I’m not going to make heads or tails of these pages as long as she’s sitting one cushion away from me.

  Katelyn adjusts and lets out a long sigh. I close the book, setting it back down on the floor.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  She shakes her head. “I don’t know how you do it.”

  “Do what?”

  “Raise Quinn by yourself.”

  I turn and face her, but keep my eyes focused on the outside. “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t raising him by himself. I know there are things that only a mom can do, but I try to be both. I’ve read a lot of books on how to be an effective parent and provide him with the right tools, but it’s hard. I’m the only parent he knows. Our situations are different. He didn’t lose his mom the way you and the girls lost Mason.”

  “Where’s his mom?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know.”

  “How can you not know? Doesn’t she call?”

  I shake my head. My finger starts playing with my lip as I process her question. “His mom… she showed up one day and just left him on my living room floor. He was three days old.”

  “Wow. Why didn’t you marry her before all of this happened?”

  It’s not going to matter how I answer this question. She’s going to see me as the quintessential rocker who sleeps around. I couldn’t be farther from that image. I shake my head and let out a small growl in frustration. I cover my face with my hands, rubbing my hat back and forth.

  “Quinn is a product of a one night stand —”

  “So —” she starts to interrupt me, but I hold up my hand asking her to stop. I need to have this all out so there’s no misunderstanding.

  “His mom drugged me. After a show, we went to the bar and I’ve never been mu
ch of a drinker, but that night I got hammered. I remember waking up with her, but I don’t remember anything else. Few months later, she knocks on my door with a carseat carrier and kept calling him it. She clearly didn’t want him and honestly, neither did I.”

  “What did you do?”

  “Called my mom and told her I was in trouble.”

  “Hi, honey.”

  “Mom?” My voice breaks as I call out for her.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m in trouble.”

  “Are you at home?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m on my way.” She hangs up, but I don’t move. My phone is glued to my ear listening to the silence on the other end. The baby… it whimpers. I look at the contraption it’s in and mentally tick off the seconds it takes my mom to get to my place. I’m afraid it’s going to start crying. I don’t like crying. I’ll have to leave the room if it does.

  My front door swings open, banging against the table that my mom placed there. She said it was decorative and added character, but apparently now it’s a doorstopper.

  “Harrison, what’s wrong?”

  I love my mom. Along with my sister, she’s my best friend and my confidant. She’s standing in front of me, her eyes full of worry. I point and she looks behind her before looking back at me. Her eyes squint and I see the confusion written all over her face.

  “Why are earth would you ever offer to babysit?”

  I shake my head. “I didn’t.”

  “Is there a baby in that carseat?”

  I nod. “The mom just left it here.”

  “It?”

  “She didn’t say —”

  “Oh, Harrison,” my mom gasps as she removes the blanket that has been covering the baby. She bends down and does something with her hands and before I know it, she’s holding the baby against her shoulder. She starts rocking back and forth, patting the baby’s back.

  “What’s his name?”

  His? I shrug. “Don’t know.”

  “How can you not know?”

  I stand and start pacing. “The mom… his mom just dropped him off. She left him here.”