Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I dug deeper. I worked my way through the bucket of popcorn, and he tore the top off another box of candy.

  When Eleanor made her debut, it became clear to me why he’d brought me here. I was the furthest thing from a gearhead, but even I knew that Eleanor was a sweet car. As Nicholas tore up a drainage culvert and continually eluded the cops, I could picture my rough and tumble Adam driving his Eleanor with the same mixture of precision and reckless abandon. By the time the movie ended, I was a bundle of hormonal angst. We hadn’t touched each other at all during the movie, and it had been the longest 117 minutes of my life. The usual electricity was snapping between us.

  I stole another glance at him. The lights flickered off of his face as the final song played. His mouth began to turn up in a slow grin. He was mischievous and beautiful, and it took my breath away. “Tell you what. I’m going to make this easy on you,” he said as he reached over and grabbed me around the waist. He pulled me over so that I was sitting on top of him in the very position that I’d imagined earlier.

  “You give up?” I whispered.

  “The win is yours,” he said as his mouth found mine.

  The salt on my lips mixed with the sweetness of the peanut M&M’s that he’d just finished. It was the single most delicious thing I’d ever tasted. His tongue traced around the perimeter of my mouth licking off more salt before flicking back into my mouth.

  Though we were completely alone and hadn’t heard or seen anyone else in the building, the thought occurred to me that someone could walk in at any moment. I was drunk on the recklessness of doing this in a public place and the excitement caused by the possibility of being caught. A pang of jealousy swept through me at the thought of Adam having done this so many times before. If someone was going to walk in, I knew exactly who I wanted it to be.

  I was still woozy when we exited the building. The warm summer heat was a slap in the face after the cool air-conditioned building. My legs felt sluggish as we approached Adam’s Eleanor.

  Turning to me with a grin, Adam said, “You drive. I love a hot chick in a fast car.”

  Before I could say anything, he tossed the keys at me. I froze mid-stride. The keys bounced off my chest and landed at my feet.

  “I can’t,” I whispered so quietly that it probably didn’t even travel the 6 feet span between us. My eyes became glazed over and threatened to spill. This night had been so perfect, and now I was ruining it. I wanted to be normal ... to react normally to such an everyday request, but I was powerless to stop the panic rising in my stomach.

  In just three strides, he was standing in front of me. He retrieved the keys and then pulled me against him. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realize.” I expected him to be confused by my irrational behavior, but I didn’t hear any bewilderment in his voice at all. Without knowing why he should, he just seemed to understand.

  We stood like that for several minutes with his arms around me, holding me up. Neither of us spoke. Finally, I pulled away. “No. I’m sorry,” I said. I looked down at the ground where the keys had lain at my feet. “I’ll do about anything you ask, but I can’t do that.” I knew I was being cryptic, but it was all I could manage.

  He reached for my hand and led me toward the passenger side of the car. “No worries. I’ll just have to be your chauffer.”

  As he drove us back to my apartment, he threw me a sideways glance. “I know that you are sitting over there brooding. It’s all good, Allie Cat.” He rubbed my leg. “Let it go, okay?”

  And I did. I let it go because I really would do almost anything he asked, but he really didn’t know what he was asking.

  ***

  When I came to a stoplight, I looked skyward. Dark clouds were rolling across the oppressive grey sky from west to east. Until just a few minutes ago, it had been a beautiful and unusually warm day after a very cold spring, but the weather in northern Texas could be very unpredictable. The rumble of thunder signaled that the storm was closing in. The smart thing to do would be to stop and put the convertible top up on my little car, but I was willing to bet that if I hurried I could beat the rain.

  I leaned forward, gripping the steering wheel with both hands. Though tornadoes weren’t common this far south, they certainly weren’t unheard of, and March was definitely tornado season. As a child, I’d been so terrified of tornadoes that the first sign of a storm would send me running into my parents’ room at all hours of the night.

  The cheer clinic had run late, and I was rushing home to change my clothes. I zipped down Douglas Avenue even though the tollway would have been faster. As much as I wanted to beat the storm, I didn’t like driving on the highway. Even though I’d been born and raised in the big city, the highway scared the living daylights out of me. Cars zipping in and out, cutting each other off in lanes that were much too narrow .... I avoided it when I could.

  I reached over and tuned the XM receiver to the MTV channel, and No Doubt’s ‘Hella Good’ blasted through the speakers. I sang aloud in an effort to drown out the fast approaching storm.

  The car had been a birthday present from my parents two summers ago. The shiny red BMW Z3 Roadster was fast and fun. The satellite radio was an add-on that I’d insisted on despite my parents’ objections. My dad hadn’t understood why a car that came standard with both a radio and CD player needed an additional hundred stations. But, since practically every one of my equally privileged friends already had XM radio by the time my birthday rolled around, I hadn’t been willing to compromise. When he presented me the key to my new ride, it included every station available under the sun.

  A crack of lightning shot across the sky, and a single fat raindrop smacked me in the forehead. Annoyed, I wiped it away with the back of my hand.

  I was driving too fast and knew I should slow down, but then another half dozen raindrops smattered against my windshield. Another clap of thunder was so close that my car seemed to shake. It almost drowned out the chirp of my phone. I knew with certainty that it was Brittany. Even though I’d just talked to her 10 minutes ago and would see her again in less than an hour, I needed to talk to her.

  It rang a second time. I reached into my bag and blindly fished through it as it rang again. I tapped the brake. My fingertips brushed the smooth surface just as my foot slipped and hit the gas pedal. Hard. The engine revved, and the little car lurched forward and jumped the curb.

  Everything was a blur as my car hurtled forward. A high-pitched squeal rang out as metal bent. Bits of bark and fiberglass exploded around me.

  Meltdown aside, last night had been the best date I’d ever been on. So when I woke up in a cold sweat, it hardly even registered. Even as I wiped the tears off my face and regulated my breathing, I was still on a high from the night before. It also helped that since this rude awakening had become an everyday occurrence, it just wasn’t as jarring any more.

  I stretched and yawned, and Rubber Cat, who was curled up next to me, did the same. I rolled onto my side and studied the man next to me. Since he was usually awake before me, I hadn’t had much occasion to watch him sleep, and I was thoroughly enjoying the view.

  Adam looked so peaceful. The hard planes of his face were smooth. The furrows in his forehead had disappeared. I wanted to kiss those beautiful lips, but I didn’t want to wake him.

  I was past pretending that I didn’t love him. I was so completely and totally in love with him. I knew it now. I was nowhere near being ready to admit it to him, but I was ready to admit it to myself.

  The problem was that there were consequences for my new feelings. It didn’t matter whether he felt the same way about me, and my guess was that he didn’t. He’d never said anything to lead me on. We’d always been honest about what we expected – and didn’t expect – from each other. But I’d also seen a softer side of Adam. He could be incredibly sweet and thoughtful. The date last night. It had been perfect. The t-shirt. The ice cream cake.

  For the first time, I had hope that I might not spend my entire life a
lone. But if I truly loved him, I needed to be honest with him. If I was really going to try and do this thing, I needed to tell him everything.

  CHAPTER 13

  Adam

  I slid my key into the lock and vowed to stop parking my car on this Godforsaken street. I was just asking for heartache.

  I definitely had some things to think about. Most of the time I thought I had Alexis figured out, but then other times she was a complete mystery.

  She had said that she didn’t want a boyfriend. Even though she was beautiful and smart, I was pretty sure that she’d never had one. At least not a serious one. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. She was great in the sack, and, for the love of God, she was 28 years old. It didn’t make any sense. Most wouldn’t admit it, but every 28-year-old woman in this city wanted a boyfriend that might someday turn into a husband.

  What made even less sense was the fact that I was starting to act ... no, feel ... like one. The guy in the coffee shop had gotten under my skin. The thought of his hands on her made me see red. And then this morning she’d practically thrown me out, saying that she had an appointment that she couldn’t miss. I’d notice that she did that a lot. Especially on Sundays. I couldn’t help but wonder if the coffee shop guy had something to do with it.

  Alexis

  Watching Adam, I’d fallen back to sleep. When I woke up again, it was two hours later. I’d rushed him out of the apartment so that I could get ready for my afternoon with Lizzie.

  I stepped over the man passed out in the hall and made my way to her door. Lizzie smiled at me when she answered it, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. The dullness that looked back at me was something I was all too familiar with. Whatever hurdle life had thrown at her, she’d already decided not to fight it. She was giving up. I was heartbroken, and she hadn’t even spoken.

  I forced out a smile and a greeting. Then I whisked her down the hall and out of the building. Maybe if I could get her out of this hellhole that reeked of despair, I could show her that whatever the problem was ... whether it was her mother, her grades, a back-stabbing friend, or an insensitive boy at school ... it was not insurmountable. She was only 14, and we could get past this.

  Since our usual pizza place had been an epic fail the last time I’d tried to get her to open up, I was trying something different. I hailed a cab and gave the cab driver the address.

  My apartment had recently adopted an open door policy, and I was hoping that a more private setting would encourage Lizzie to speak more openly. I’d even thought that one day I might ask her to sleep over. Then again, she might be too old for sleepovers.

  On the ride over, I texted in an order to a pizza place close to my apartment. When it came to Lizzie, I could never go wrong with pizza. As we pulled up outside my building, I could see her wheels turning. My apartment and my standard of living were going to be a shock for her. It was much nicer than she was used to. And that was one of the reasons that I’d never brought her here.

  As a Big Sis, I’d been encouraged to integrate her into my life, to show her that there was another way to live ... something to strive for. Watching the look on her face as her wide eyes took in the tall, clean building in front of her, it occurred to me that I’d failed her.

  We walked into the lobby, and the bellman on duty, Tony, greeted us. Lizzie’s reaction was priceless. Tony was used to being treated like the hired help, but Lizzie looked at him like he had celebrity status.

  I knew the biggest shock would come when I swung open the door to my apartment. As expected, she gasped and looked around her.

  I’d never thought that much about my apartment. To me, it was just comfortable. I’d grown up in surroundings far more luxurious than this. However, to Lizzie, my apartment was the Ritz.

  I motioned to the couch and told her to have a seat, but she looked around like she didn’t know what to do with herself. I needed to break the ice somehow or I wouldn’t be getting any information from her. Fortunately for me, Rubber Cat came to the rescue. He slunk out of the kitchen and gave Lizzie a once-over before snaking through her legs.

  Her face lit up. “Hey, Rubber Cat,” she squealed as she bent down to scratch the top of his head. “I’m so glad to finally meet you.”

  The sadness that had been etched in her face before was gone. She looked every bit her age, without a care in the world. I smiled at the two of them.

  “He really likes it if you scratch under his chin,” I offered, hoping that Rubber Cat would continue to tolerate her affection. Like most cats, he was a bit unpredictable.

  I took my phone out of my purse and stuffed it in my back pocket before tossing my purse on the table beside the door. Then I began walking around the living room, flipping on lamps. The midday sun was pouring through the windows, but the weatherman had predicted a summer thunderstorm for later this afternoon. Just in case, I preferred to have on as many lights as possible.

  Lizzie was already feeling more comfortable. She scooped Rubber Cat up into her arms and began walking around the living room. She stopped in front of a group of pictures of me with my parents. There were pictures of my dad and I fishing, my mom and I skiing, and all three of us in front of the Eiffel Tower. There were pictures of us on a beach in Mexico, on a boat in Cayman, and in front of a chartered plane in Belize. In every picture, I was no more than 16. It was photographic evidence of a happier time.

  “You are an only child, too,” Lizzie said, stroking the cat’s head and leaning in to look at the picture of my entire family of three on the catamaran in Grand Cayman.

  “Yes,” I answered with a nod. But this was big sis-little sis 101. We’d covered this topic at our very first meeting. The organization had given me Lizzie’s bio, and one of the few common denominators that we’d had to work with was our shared status of being only children. Lizzie hadn’t forgotten. She was just trying to fill the dead air between us. “What would you like to drink with your pizza?”

  “I’d really like a Coke,” she answered, but then recanted. “Actually, just water.”

  I moved toward the kitchen. “I have both,” I said. “You can have whatever you want. You can have both.” I would happily spoil her since no one else would.

  “I’ll just have water for now, but maybe I’ll have a Coke later.” She moved through the room and focused on a different set of pictures that hung on the wall beside my rarely used dining room table.

  I pulled two bottles of water out of the fridge. I’d been putting a little more thought into what I was eating since I’d had to practically melt myself down to get into my jeans a few days ago. I would tell myself that Adam’s skinny ass ex-girlfriend had nothing to do with it even if it was a bold-faced lie.

  As I walked back into the living room, there was a knock on the door. I set our drinks down and swung the door open. The pizza delivery boy had more facial piercings than I could count. His hair was dyed lime green and stood up in spikes. His jeans appeared to be held together with safety pins. He was absolutely frightening, and I was a little surprised that he’d made it past Tony downstairs.

  “Good ... dammit ... afternoon, ladies ... aggghh ... dammit!” he stammered.

  My eyebrows shot up. I’m pretty sure that they were somewhere in my hairline. I threw a glance over my shoulder, but Lizzie was right behind me now.

  “Uhhh, hi,” I said. “Do you have a pizza for us?” I turned to grab my wallet from my purse.

  “One large ... dammit ... Canadian bacon ... dammit ... with pineapples ... fuck Hawaii!” he hollered.

  I resisted the urge to smile and threw an elbow in Lizzie’s side to stifle the giggle that had just erupted from her. I grabbed the pizza box from his hands and tossed a $20 bill at him. I thanked him and quickly shut the door, but not before he screamed out a fucking fond farewell. I wouldn’t be ordering from them again.

  I leaned against the closed door, and my eyes darted back and forth as I listened to make sure that he was gone. Lizzie watched me with wide eyes a
nd a grin plastered across her face. Finally, I heard the ding of the elevator down the hall. I gave her the nod, and we erupted in laughter.

  “Oh, my God. What was that?” she asked, bending over in half. She snorted between belly laughs. She was close to crying.

  “He must have Tourette’s. I don’t know. I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually been around someone with it. Oh, wow.” I smiled at her and erupted into laughter. “We really shouldn’t laugh. Can you imagine what it must be like to live like that?”

  “Do you think his hair is supposed to distract us so that we don’t notice that he is cussing us out?” she asked, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

  “Probably,” I answered, heading toward the rarely used dining room table. “Hey, if you had to pick, would you rather have Tourette’s or narcolepsy?”

  Lizzie looked horrified. “Is that where you like to have sex with dead people?”

  Now I was crying. “No! That’s necrophilia. Narcolepsy is when you randomly fall asleep.” I sat down at the table and put a piece of pizza on her plate. “For example, if you were narcoleptic, you might be midsentence and go face first into this pizza.”

  We spent the entirety of dinner debating the pros and cons of various disorders and phobias. I had to give it to the pizza guy. He had definitely lightened the mood. I might order from him again after all.

  After dinner, we settled onto the couch. Of course, I was tempted to turn on the TV because that’s what you do when you plop down on the couch, but I knew better. We needed to talk.

  I looked at my sweet Lizzie. She’d grown so much in the four years that I’d known her. When I’d first met her, she’d been sad and restless. She’d never known her dad. He’d split when she was just a baby. Her mom had traded a decent job as a secretary in an accounting firm for spending afternoons in a bar. Somewhere along the way, she’d completely lost herself. By the time Lizzie was 9, she was trying to figure out how to steal money from her mom to pay the rent. There were many days when the only meal she got was the free lunch that she got at school. I couldn’t even think about how hungry she must have been on Monday mornings.