Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I was an idiot. Of course, she’d called in sick. She’d just found out that the guy that she thought she was in love with was living out a vendetta against her. I needed to find her.

  “Actually, can you check to see if Ethan Anderson is here?” I asked.

  If Ethan wasn’t here, then I had a good idea of who Allie was with even if I didn’t know where she was.

  “I’m right here,” he said from behind me.

  He looked to the receptionist and dismissed her easily. “I’ll take it from here, Gretchen.”

  I started to speak, but he cut me off and started down a hall. “Let’s talk in my office,” he said without turning around.

  Offices flanked both sides of the hall, and it was business as usual in each one. Papers were being pushed, emails were being typed, and telephones were being answered. Immediately after Joy’s death, I’d learned that life goes on for everyone else whether you are fit to participate in it or not. Today was a reminder of that bitter lesson.

  Near the end of the hall, Ethan turned into an office. He stepped aside for me to follow him and shut the door behind me. His office had a great view of the city outside. Since his desk and chair faced away from the window, I doubted that he ever got to enjoy it. I looked out at the expanse of buildings and streets before me and wondered where Allie could be. Suddenly, it struck me that she might not even be in the city any more. She might not even be in the state. It was entirely possible that she’d run home to Texas.

  “So,” Ethan said warily, “what’s going on? What have you done now?”

  “I’m looking for Allie. Have you seen her?”

  Ethan looked puzzled. “No. She called in sick today. I got an email from her early this morning. She’s not at home?”

  Again I was surprised that there was no smugness in his voice. He sounded genuinely concerned. The alarm bells that had been going off all night began to ring a little louder. I couldn’t believe that it had come to this. I went ahead and ripped the band-aid off. “I need your help.”

  Ethan laughed sharply. “With what?” he said. “I talked her off the ledge when she saw you with that chick in the coffee shop ... she was exceptionally hot, by the way. I helped you plan her birthday party. I consoled her after she bared her soul to you and you decided to spend the day traipsing through the woods. And, when you were done doing whatever the fuck it was that you were doing out there, I stepped aside. I’ve practically handed her to you on a silver platter.”

  He leaned forward in his chair and clasped his hands together on top of the desk. “So tell me, Adam. What is it that I can do for you now?” There was the smugness I’d been expecting.

  “Do you love her?” I asked, abruptly changing the direction of the conversation.

  “It doesn’t matter whether I love her or not. She’s in love with you.”

  I sat stunned. She’d never told me she loved me, but maybe she’d told Ethan. Under different circumstances, I would have high-fived myself. These weren’t those circumstances.

  “It matters,” I said.

  “To be honest, I don’t know what I am. Maybe I’m in love with her, but Alexis keeps her distance. There was the one night in law school, but it was just the one time. And it was something she was never willing to repeat.”

  Alexis had been with Ethan? It was the first that I’d heard of this. My fists clenched up, ready to hit something. I had to check myself though. Getting all worked up at Ethan would be counterproductive.

  “You know, I think I’ve always been waiting for her to give me a chance ... a real chance. But I’ve certainly had my own fun while I’ve waited. So, yes, while I do love her, I don’t know if I love her the way you think I do.”

  I could tell that he was being completely honest with me, and I respected that. It went a long way toward helping me get past the fact that he’d slept with my girl and focus on the problem at hand.

  “Fair enough,” I said.

  “So you don’t have a problem with the fact that I slept with Alexis? I could tell by the look on your face that this is the first you’ve heard it.”

  Smug bastard. I glared at him, but then reminded myself again of why I was here. “Oh, I have a problem with it all right, but today I have bigger problems. And I do appreciate your honesty.”

  “Well, since we are being so honest with each other, why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on?”

  I looked him level in the eye and swallowed my pride.

  “I’m pretty sure that I’ve lost her. I’m hoping that you’ll help me get her back.” I looked back out at the city behind him. “And, even if you won’t help me, I know you’ll help her. She needs someone right now. If it’s not me, maybe it has to be you.”

  Ethan’s eyes softened. “All right, but I’m going to have to charge you, and just so you know, I’m $350 an hour.”

  I knew that he was joking, but I’d give everything I had to get Allie back. Besides, my money was Harper money. If the firm billed me for his time, I’d just be returning it to where it belonged.

  I started at the beginning ... the very beginning. I didn’t leave much out. Ethan didn’t utter a single word until I was finished.

  I’d known, or known of, Allie since high school. In fact, I could remember well the first time I laid eyes on her. It had been the first day of my senior year. She’d been leaning up against her locker in the sophomore hall. She didn’t have the scared shitless look that the other underclassmen wore. She’d been perfectly at ease. More than that, she had an air about her that made it clear that the world was hers, and the rest of us were just living in it. She was beautiful and she knew it.

  She’d been exceptionally popular. One of the chosen ones. I hadn’t been an outcast or anything, but I hadn’t run in her circle. I didn’t have the kind of money that it took to keep up with her crowd. And it was soon clear to everyone that she’d already been spoken for. Thomas Daniels was also a sophomore, but you would have never known it to look at him. He’d already been accepted on the varsity football team, and it was understood that he would be the starting quarterback the following year. With his arm thrown possessively around Allie’s shoulders, it was clear that he’d already staked his claim to the would-be head cheerleader. She never even looked my direction that year. But, honestly, I hadn’t expected or even wanted her to.

  After I graduated, I left Dallas for Austin. I’d received a very decent scholarship to run track for UT. I made it through my first year without failing out and even managed to keep my scholarship. I had pledged a fraternity and had already declared my major as accounting. I was dating a pretty girl from Beaumont. Everything was about as good as it could possibly be. Then, near the end of the spring semester of my sophomore year, the bottom fell out.

  I was home from school for the weekend. My sister’s 6th birthday had been earlier that week, and we’d had a big party on Friday night complete with a bounce house and an oddly sexy Cinderella.

  On Saturday morning, Joy begged me to take her out to ride the new pink and purple bike that she’d gotten for her birthday. She was anxious to get the training wheels off because Emma next door already had hers off. I should have stayed and helped her, but I didn’t. It was St. Patrick’s Day weekend, and a bunch of my high school buddies were in town, too. That morning, I didn’t want to teach my little sister how to ride a bike. I wanted to go down to Greenville to party with my old friends. I brushed her off and promised that I would help her Sunday before I left to go back to school.

  I’d been prowling the bars since ten in the morning. By the time the storm rolled in, the parade was over, and I had a good buzz going. To avoid the weather, we parked ourselves at the closest bar, which ironically was a Mexican restaurant serving green beer. When my phone rang, I thought it was my mom calling to see if I was out of the bad weather. She’d always hated tornado season.

  It wasn’t my mom. It was my dad, and his voice had immediately sobered me. I remember holding my breath, waiting to find out i
f it was Mom or Joy who was in trouble.

  According to my dad, she’d still been playing in the front yard, riding just where I’d left her. She was practicing on the sidewalk that ran along the side of the house. Mom had gone out to get her because the sky was turning dark and it was starting to sprinkle. She’d turned toward my mom when she’d heard her name. He assured me that she never saw the car coming. She never knew what hit her. But my mom did. She’d seen the whole thing.

  My mother’s struggle with depression had been a recurring theme of my life. She’d medicated and inebriated her way through my childhood. Then Joy came along and changed everything. She was my mother’s savior ... her mini me. They dressed up in party clothes and costume jewelry, and had tea parties on the floor in the living room. They went to movies wearing rhinestone tiaras and feather boas. Joy had brought the light back into my mom’s eyes. When her tiny protégé died right in front of her, that light had gone permanently out.

  After the funeral, I couldn’t wait to get out of that house. I knew the black cloud that had descended on us would never go away. But, even though I wanted to run away, I stayed. My dad had already disappeared. As he always did when things got hard, he threw himself into his work and left my mom to her own devices. Her devices were not good devices, and, by the end of the second week, I knew that she would never recover on her own. Except to pack up my things, I never went back to Austin.

  Ethan finally spoke. “This explains some things about you, but what does this have to do with Alexis?”

  “It was Allie driving the car. It was Allie that hit Joy and turned our lives upside down.”

  Ethan didn’t try to hide his shock. He looked the way I felt, like he might be sick. “Shit. I knew she was in an in accident in high school, but ... shit,” he said.

  He looked at his desk, the phone, his hands folded in his lap ... anywhere but at me. He didn’t know what to say.

  No one ever did.

  Then the realization hit him, and his eyes narrowed. “So you already knew her. When you saw us at The Library, you already knew her. But how could she not know you?”

  It was confession time.

  “When I saw her that first night at the bar, I was completely taken off guard. I’d always known she was in Manhattan, but in nine years, I’d never run into her. I wasn’t looking for her. I was there to meet Burke. I looked up, and there she was. I’m not going to lie. Seeing her after all those years ... it infuriated me. Watching her laugh like nothing had ever happened ... like she hadn’t taken everything from my family, it was hard. I took a chance that she wouldn’t recognize me.”

  “So ... what ... you wanted was revenge?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I guess so. I wasn’t so delusional to think that I could get even. It’s not like I had some master plan. I just wanted to screw with her a little. At first, it was just going to be that one night. I had every intention of screwing her and being on my way. But then I decided that if she fell for me first, it would hurt more.”

  I didn’t tell him about the email that I’d deleted or the document I’d stolen from her bag. I didn’t tell him about the virus I’d put on her computer or the picture I’d almost put on the Internet. I would tell her about it... if I got the chance ... but I wanted her to hear about it from me, not Ethan.

  I fast-forwarded past all that. I told him that I’d learned on the camping trip that she didn’t even know about Joy. She had no memory of the actual accident and thought her injuries were the only injuries. I told him about my senior project and the events of the night before. That brought us front and center to the present.

  “Well, mission accomplished then,” he said with venom. “You can take your leave now. It’ll take years for to get over you, but she will. I’ll make sure of it.”

  I knew what he was saying. He was telling me that he would gladly step into my spot if she would let him make her happy. I wanted to hate him for it, but I couldn’t. I didn’t think she was mine anymore, and maybe he was better for her than I was. I was now a living reminder of things so awful that her mind had blocked them out rather than let her remember.

  Ethan crumpled a little in his chair. When he continued, his tone was different, more sympathetic. “I am truly sorry for your loss, Adam. But I know Alexis well enough to know that she will never get over this. I guess neither of you will.”

  I was going to have to lay it all out there for him. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t see any other way. I’d given him just enough information to be dangerous. If I left things like this, the only thing he would help do would be push Allie further away. I took a deep breath and wished that it was Allie sitting in front of me.

  “The thing is, I am over it. I never would have thought it was possible ... that I could forgive her ... but I have. Somewhere along the way, things changed. She changed my perception of her. She changed me. I have let go of the past. I want her, and I’m not turning my back on her ... unless she asks me to.”

  “And what if she does?” Ethan asked.

  “If it’s what she wants, I will walk away. I know this is going to be hard for her. I lied to her. But that’s not even the biggest of my worries right now. She knows about Joy now.”

  Ethan leaned forward in his chair and gave me a hard look. “I’m going to ask you the same question that you asked me earlier. Do you love her?”

  I didn’t hesitate. “There is nothing I want more than Allie. If I could take it all back now ... the way we met ... everything I did ... I would. I’ve never regretted anything so much in my life.”

  “Then say it. If you love her, say it. Because if you can say it to me, then surely you can say it to her. This has to be a lot harder,” he said with a sly smile.

  He had no idea. I leaned forward, my stance matching his. “Yes, I love her.”

  Ethan leaned back. He seemed satisfied. “So you haven’t talked to her since she ran out of the school?” he asked.

  “I tried,” I said. “I went to her apartment last night, but she didn’t answer the door. I spent the entire night in the hall waiting for her to come out. When she never did, I came here. I don’t even know if she went home last night. I thought maybe she was with you.”

  Ethan rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and then pinched the bridge of his nose. He was deep in thought, and he could stay there as long as it took. I needed him to help me come up with a plan.

  Finally, he looked at me again. “She was there. She had to be. If she wanted to talk to someone, she would have come to me and she didn’t. She told me about the car accident years ago ... well, what she knew about it. It’s mind-blowing ... that she didn’t know about your sister. How did she never remember it? How did she not hear anything about it? Surely, it was in the papers.”

  “She was in a coma for six weeks, but the cover-up had to be her dad’s doing,” I said. “He didn’t want her to know. He went to great lengths, I’m sure. I know he paid us a lot of money. It was in the settlement agreement that we would keep our distance from her. I never knew why until now.” Now there was venom in my voice.

  “Alexis is smart. She’s figured that out by now,” Ethan said. “You aren’t the only one who has hurt her. She might not be talking to you right now, but, if I know Alexis, she’s already called her dad. And that explains the firm-wide email that we got this morning.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “The associates usually get a heads-up when Mr. Harper is coming to town. This morning, we got an email saying that he would be here indefinitely and would be officing on the 52nd floor.”

  I bristled. “You think he’s already here?”

  “I think you need to get out of here before he is,” he said, standing up. “Alexis doesn’t need you two having a showdown right now. I can tell that even his name gets under your skin.”

  “Agreed on all accounts,” I said, standing up, too. “So will you help me find her and fix this?”

  He looked at me for at least a minute, without
answering. Finally, he answered, “I hope I don’t regret this. Give me your number. I’ll text you with an update as soon as I have one. I’ll find her, but I won’t lie to her for you. There’s been enough of that. I’m going to tell her that you came here, and I’ll tell her what you’ve said if I need to.”

  “Understood,” I said. I scribbled my number on a post-it and headed back down the hall. He let me find my own way out.

  I pushed open the door and walked toward the street. I took the steps two at a time. Though I had hopes that Ethan was going to work a miracle for me, I wasn’t going to stand idle. I decided I would go back to her building. Tony wouldn’t be on duty anymore. I wanted to try her door one more time.

  Just as I got close to the street, a black Lincoln town car pulled up to the curb. Garrett Harper spoke brusquely to the driver as he stepped out of the car. “I’ll need you back here in two hours to take me back to the Plaza,” he said.

  I stood rooted to the sidewalk, torn between wanting to confront him for the injustice that he’d served on my sister and wanting to do what was best for Allie. Ethan was right. I should walk away. I turned to put that plan into action, but I was too late.

  “You!” he said.

  I turned to face him square on. He had already decreased the distance between us.

  “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” he hissed, pointing a finger in my face. “I have spent 10 years protecting her from your family.”

  I clenched my fists against my side. I rallied every ounce of self-control in my being before answering. “My family? We were the victims, and still we’ve never done anything but what you asked of us. You were protecting her from us? Someone should have been protecting her from you.”

  “Don’t you dare tell me how to deal with my daughter,” he yelled. “Everything I’ve done was for her. And now you’ve undone it all.”

  People on the sidewalk began to walk a little more slowly around us. Encouraging eyes prodded me to go ahead and start punching. Apparently, he wasn’t worried about making a scene on the sidewalk in front of his office building. Regardless, I wasn’t going to hit her old man.