Unbreak My Heart

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  I turned to see Rachel’s neighbor Megan crossing the dead-end street with Gavin on her hip and Keller skipping alongside her.

  “No clue,” I answered quietly as she reached me. “The school called because she didn’t pick Sage up. I’ve been trying to reach her for the last forty minutes.”

  “Where’s my mom?” Sage asked, looking between us in confusion.

  “Hey, sis, take the boys inside for me, would ya?” I handed her my keys as Megan set Gavin on the ground. “I’ll be inside in a sec, and we’ll make a snack. You guys want to make some cookies?”

  “Yeah!” Keller yelled, throwing his fist in the air.

  “No hello for your favorite aunt?” I asked him with a raised brow.

  “Hi, Auntie Kate! Cookies!” he yelled, racing toward the door with Gavin and Sage trailing behind him.

  I watched as Sage unlocked the door, leaving the keys hanging in the lock as she rushed inside.

  “What the hell is going on?” I asked, turning to Megan.

  “I have no clue. She said she was going to get her nails done and she’d be back in, like, an hour. It’s been well over three now,” she replied in frustration, wrapping her arms around her waist.

  “That’s not like her.”

  “No, I know it’s not.” She rushed to add, “I’m not mad, I’m worried. She’s usually back before she says she’ll be.”

  “Auntie Kate, cookies!” Keller screamed at me from the front door.

  “I better get in there,” I told Megan, looking over my shoulder at Keller swinging on the open door. “Thanks so much for watching them.”

  “No problem,” she answered with a nod. “Let me know when you hear anything, okay?”

  “Sure,” I said, already walking toward where my little monkey was trying to climb the door frame.

  “Let’s go make a mess in the kitchen!” I announced loudly, picking Keller up like a football as he giggled. I forced myself not to panic in front of the kids as we pulled ingredients out of the cupboards and began trashing the kitchen. I told myself that Rachel would call soon, but the longer I was there with no word from her, the less I believed it.

  * * *

  We didn’t hear anything, not for hours.

  I tried to call Rachel at least a hundred times but she never answered, and after a while I couldn’t even leave another message in her full voicemail.

  It wasn’t until I was making dinner for the kids that my phone rang, and I almost dropped it in my haste to answer.

  “Hello?” I said, walking toward the laundry room for a bit of quiet. “Hello?”

  “Can I please speak to Katherine Evans?”

  “This is Katherine.”

  “Hello, this is Margie at Tri-City Medical Center. I’m calling about a Rachel Anderson.”

  My knees felt like water, and I reached out to grip the washing machine to keep me on my feet. “Is she okay?”

  “Ma’am, she’s been in an accident.”

  “Is she okay?” I could hear my voice becoming more shrill with every word, and I clenched my teeth to keep myself from yelling.

  “Can you come to the hospital, ma’am?”

  The woman’s voice was unnaturally calm, and I knew that no matter what I said she wasn’t going to give me a straight answer. Hell, it was her job to notify people that their family was in the hospital. She didn’t give a shit that I was about to lose my mind.

  “I’ll—” I looked around the laundry room in a panic. What was I supposed to do? “I’m on my way. Tell her I’m on my way.”

  “Come straight to the emergency entrance when you get here.”

  “I will.”

  The minute she hung up, I bent at the waist and braced my hands on my knees, trying to get my shit together.

  Rachel was fine. The baby was fine. I was freaking out over nothing. I was getting myself worked up over nothing. It was just an accident.

  “Sage!” I yelled as I walked quickly through the house. “Keep an eye on your brothers. I’m walking over to Megan’s real quick—I’ll be right outside!”

  As I reached the front porch, I began to sprint, and by the time I was at Megan’s front door I was out of breath and on the verge of tears.

  “Kate? What’s up?” Megan asked as she swung the door open.

  “Can you take care of the kids? I have to go—the hospital just called.” A painful sob burst out of my throat, and I wiped my hand over my face to try to gain some control. “They said Rachel’s been in an accident. I need to get over there.”

  “Sure, honey. No worries,” she answered before I was even finished speaking. “Caleb, get your shoes on, bud! We’re going over to the Andersons’ for a bit.”

  “Woohoo!” I heard from somewhere in the back of the house.

  “Did you call Shane?” she asked, sliding into some sandals by the door.

  “I didn’t even think to,” I replied with a small shake of my head. “He’s rarely here. I forgot he was in town.” I felt like shit for not calling him, but I was so used to taking care of things while he was gone that it hadn’t even dawned on me. I’d driven Rachel to the hospital when she’d had Gavin, taken care of things when Keller broke his arm, and helped with a thousand other little events over the past few years. I stepped in every time he was gone, and I hadn’t thought about him for one second as I’d paced around the house that afternoon.

  “We’ll be over in a minute. I’m sure she’s fine,” Megan assured me with a nod. “You better go get some shoes on and let the kids know I’m coming over for a visit.”

  “I’m not telling them—” I shook my head and looked down at my bare feet. I hadn’t even noticed the hot pavement as I’d run across it barefoot. Why didn’t I put shoes on?

  “Come on,” she said gently, pushing me away from the door as her kid raced out ahead of us. “We’ll walk you over.”

  * * *

  I’m not sure what I said to the kids about the reason I was leaving, and I don’t remember the drive to the hospital or even where I parked that afternoon. I can’t recall what the nurse looked like as she searched for Rachel’s name in their computer system or the walk toward the room where I waited for someone to speak to me.

  The first thing I remember clearly is the white-haired doctor’s kind face as he sat down across from me, and the young chaplain’s small smile as he chose the chair to my left. Their words became a litany that I would hear in my dreams for years.

  My Rachel was gone, but her son was alive and in the NICU.

  “Is there anyone you’d like for us to call? Any family or friends that you’d like to be here?”

  The question jolted me out of the fog that seemed to be getting thicker and thicker around me. Dear God.

  “I’ll make the calls,” I answered, looking blankly at the wall. “Can I have some privacy please?”

  “Of course. I’ll be right outside if you need me,” the chaplain answered, reaching out to pat my hand. “I’ll take you up to the NICU when you’re ready.”

  The room was silent after they left, and I fought the urge to scream at the top of my lungs just to hear it echo around me. I understood then why people hired mourners to wail at funerals. Sometimes the lack of sound is more painful than the anguished noise of a heart breaking.

  My hands shook as I pulled my phone out of my front pocket and rested it on the table in front of me.

  It only took a moment before the sound of ringing filled the room, and I rested my head in my hands as I stared at the name across the screen.

  “Hello? Kate? What’s wrong?”

  “Shane—” I said quietly, my voice hitching.

  “What? Why are you calling me?” His voice was confused, but I could hear a small thread of panic in the urgency of his words.

  “I need you to come to Tri-City hospital,” I answered, tears rolling down my face and landing on the glass screen of my phone, distorting the letters and numbers.

  “Who?” His voice was frantic, and I could hear him m
oving around, his breathing heavy.

  “Rachel was in an accident.” I sobbed, covering my face to try to muffle the noise.

  “No,” he argued desperately as I heard two car doors shut almost simultaneously. “Is she okay?”

  I shook my head, trying to catch my breath.

  “Kate! Is she okay?” he screamed at me, his anguished voice filling the room as I’d wanted mine to just minutes before.

  “No,” I answered through gritted teeth, feeling snot running down my upper lip as I heard him make a noise deep in his throat. “She’s gone.”

  He didn’t say a word, and less than a second later the connection was broken.

  I could barely force myself to reach across the table for a tissue as I scrolled down my contact list and pressed SEND again. I wasn’t finished.

  “Hello!” Her voice made me whimper in both relief and sorrow.

  “Mom?” I rasped.

  “Katie?”

  “I—I—”

  “Take a deep breath, baby. Then tell me what’s wrong,” she ordered.

  “I need you and Aunt Ellie to come down here,” I cried, straightening my back and wiping the tears from my face. “I’m not—I don’t know what to do.”

  “Okay, we’ll find a flight,” she answered immediately, like flying from Portland to San Diego was as easy as walking across the street. “Now what’s going on?”

  “Rachel was in an accident,” I ground out, the words like gravel in my throat. “She didn’t make it, and I’m worried about Shane.”

  “Oh, Katie. My sweet girl,” she said sadly. “We’ll be on the first flight down, okay, baby?” Her voice became muffled as she covered the phone and yelled shrilly for my dad.

  “I just, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing,” I confessed with a sob. “Shane isn’t here yet, and I don’t think I can see her, and the baby is in ICU.”

  “The baby’s okay?”

  “Yeah, they said they were just keeping him under observation.” I rubbed at my forehead, trying to convince myself that it was all just a nightmare. Where was I supposed to be? What was I supposed to do now? My best friend in the entire world was there in that hospital, but not really. I couldn’t bear to see her. I couldn’t help her. Where the fuck was I supposed to go? “What do I do, Mom?”

  “You go see your nephew.”

  “What?”

  “You go to the NICU, and you hold your nephew, and you tell him everything is going to be okay,” she told me, tears in her voice. “You go love on that baby. Where are Sage and the boys?”

  “They’re with a neighbor. They’re okay.”

  “Good. That’s good.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Dad found some flights. I’m on my way, princess,” she told me gently. “We’ll be there soon. Now go take care of our new boy.”

  “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you, too. I’m on my way.”

  I made my way to the NICU as quickly as I could, and within minutes I was holding my new nephew in my arms. The nurses told me that he’d passed all of his tests with flying colors, and I was in awe as I sat down in a rocking chair, cradling him to my chest.

  “You sure got a shitty beginning, little man,” I murmured against his fuzzy scalp, rocking back and forth gently. “I’m so sorry, buddy. You’re probably missing your mama and that warm bubble you’ve been in for so long. I can’t help you there.”

  I sniffled, closing my eyes as tears rolled down my cheeks. My whole body ached, and even though I had that little boy in my arms, the day seemed like some sort of surreal dream, foggy in some parts and crystal clear in others. I wanted to hop up and take his sleeping little form to Rachel, to tease her about the weird Mohawk thing he was sporting and make joking comments about how men always seem to sleep through the hard parts of life. I wanted to see her smile proudly at the sturdy boy she’d produced and grumble that I was hogging him.

  I wanted everything to be different.

  I hummed softly with my eyes closed for a long time, holding the baby close to me. It was quiet where we sat, nothing breaking up the stillness of the room until I heard someone open the door.

  “There he is,” the nurse murmured from the doorway.

  My eyes popped open to see Shane’s ravaged face just feet from me. He looked like he was barely holding on. I swallowed hard as his red-rimmed eyes took in his son carefully before rising to meet mine.

  “Is he okay?” he asked thickly, searching my face. I’d never seen him so frightened.

  “He’s perfect,” I answered, my voice throbbing with emotion. “The nurses said he’s a rock star.”

  He nodded twice, reaching up to cover his mouth with his hand, but before he could say another word, he was stumbling and falling to his knees with an almost inaudible sob.

  Chapter 1

  Kate

  One Year Later

  Where are my monsters?” I yelled, rushing in the front door.

  The house was quiet as I made my way through the living room carrying an awkwardly large gift bag. I should have just wrapped Gunner’s birthday present, but I hadn’t thought I had the time. I felt like I’d been running late for the past year, and that morning had been no different.

  God, I couldn’t believe it had been an entire year since Rachel died. Sometimes it felt like yesterday that I’d gotten that first phone call from Sage’s school. Other times it felt as if I’d always had this hole in my chest where my best friend used to be.

  The back door opened just as I reached it, almost smacking me in the face.

  “Oh, hey. You’re here,” Shane said distractedly as he ushered Keller inside.

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Go to the bathroom, bud,” he ordered, giving Kell a little push before meeting my eyes. “Ellie’s here. I figured you’d take a couple of days off.”

  “Since when did hanging out with the kids become my job?” I asked flatly as Keller tapped me on my hip in hello on his way by me.

  I hated it when Shane acted like I was the freaking nanny. I wasn’t the nanny. I was family, and the closest thing to a mother that those kids had left.

  “You’re here every fucking day, Kate. I just thought you’d want a day to yourself.”

  I clenched my fingers tighter around Gunner’s present, ignoring the way the bag crinkled in protest. “It’s Gunner’s birthday—”

  “I know what fucking day it is,” he interrupted, moving past me to grab a beer out of the fridge.

  “What the hell is your deal?”

  “No deal.”

  “Look,” I began, softening my voice, “I know today is hard—”

  “Don’t finish that sentence.”

  “Shane—”

  “You have no fucking clue. None. Say one more word and I’ll kick your ass out of my house.”

  This confrontation had been brewing. I’d felt it almost like an electric current in the air as the anniversary grew closer, but I couldn’t have imagined that he’d start it in the middle of his son’s birthday party.

  “She was my best friend.”

  “She wasn’t your wife,” he replied stubbornly.

  I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to throw Gunner’s gift at his head. I wanted to tell him that I’d spent more time with Rachel in the last nine years than he had, because, while he was off playing GI Joe, I was the one who was holding her ass together.

  But I didn’t do any of those things because what would it help? He had a distorted memory of both his wife and the relationship he’d had with her, and now that she was gone, it wouldn’t do anyone any good to tell him just how wrong he was.

  I turned to move outside but only got a few steps.

  “Party ends at three,” he called out to me.

  “What?”

  “Party’s over at three.”

  He wasn’t looking at me, but his insinuation was clear.

  I wasn’t welcome at the house after the party was over.

  * * *
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br />   “Auntie Kate!” Gavin yelled as he slid down the small slide into their plastic pool in the backyard.

  “Hi, baby!” I called back, setting the gift I was holding on the table. “Having fun?”

  “Swimming!” he yelled, splashing his arms down hard into the water.

  “I see that.”

  “Hi, Auntie Kate,” Sage murmured, wrapping her arms around my waist.

  “Sage the Rage. Looking good, toots.”

  “I missed you,” she said quietly, squeezing me tighter.

  “You saw me the day before yesterday, you crazy girl,” I argued, bending at the knees so I could lift her into my arms. “And your grandma came all the way from Oregon to hang with you guys.”

  “I don’t want Grandma. I want you,” she replied stubbornly.

  “Well, you got me.” I walked toward the bench where my aunt Ellie was sitting and plopped down next to her.

  I looked around the yard and realized that there was no one else there. Keller ran out and jumped into the pool next to Gavin with a splash, but other than our family, the yard was empty. “Where’s all the other kids?”

  “Shane just wanted something small,” Aunt Ellie murmured. “Gunner fell asleep about twenty minutes ago, so we’re just going to wait until he wakes up to do cake and presents.”

  “What? Why is he asleep at noon? He doesn’t have an afternoon nap until two.” I scooted to the edge of my seat so I could stand up, but the weight of Sage’s suddenly sleeping form and Aunt Ellie’s hand on my arm stopped me.

  “He’s okay, sis,” she assured me quietly, her eyes filled with understanding. “They had a hard day yesterday, and Shane didn’t get a single one of them to sleep before midnight. It just messed up their schedules is all.” She nodded at a sleeping Sage, and I sagged backward into the seat.

  “I should have come over yesterday,” I murmured, rubbing my hand softly over Sage’s back. She was too old for me to carry around, and almost too big, but I didn’t have the heart to stop doing it. She needed me.

  “You deserve a day off.”

  “I don’t want any days off,” I snapped back, frustrated.

  To the outside world, I was sure my relationship to the kids looked pretty odd. I wasn’t their mother. I wasn’t even legally related to them. But I’d been picking up the slack for Rachel and Shane for so long that I’d stepped in after Rachel died without thinking.