Unbreak My Heart

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  Why? Why did I have to find myself in the most awkward position imaginable at every possible opportunity? I was always running into something, or saying something I shouldn’t, or opening the door in my period underwear and a ratty tank top for the delivery service I used when I sent paperwork to my clients. And this time I was so royally fucked I couldn’t even focus on the larger implications of that positive pregnancy test.

  Oh no. The only thing I could think about was the fact that I’d have to tell Shane something along the lines of, You know when I took advantage of your delicate state? Well, I also stole your sperm. I’m pregnant!

  It had been two months since the incident that should never again be brought up, and shit was finally somewhat normal when I was at the Andersons’. Shane was back to ignoring me completely, which frankly was a relief, and I was back to not worrying that I was going to show up one day and the new nanny would bar me from the house.

  Gunner was finally walking. Sage was starting a dance class next week. Keller just got stitches along his hairline after he face-planted into the railing of the porch. Gavin pooped in the toilet twice that week! Success!

  What the fuck was I going to do?

  I threw the stick angrily into the trash and stormed into my bedroom-slash-living-room-slash-dining-room, then immediately spun back around and fished it back out again, setting it gently on the edge of the bathroom counter. So I peed on it, big deal. It was still proof, the first visible proof of my child.

  My child. God, I was in so much trouble.

  I quickly pulled on some clothes and grabbed my messenger bag off the floor, stuffing my laptop inside before racing out the door. I normally didn’t bring my Mac when I was hanging out with the kids—it was a good way to get something spilled on it—but I knew I’d need it that day. I needed to research. I needed to plan.

  My stomach rolled as I climbed into my car, and I swallowed the extra saliva in my mouth. I was not going to get sick again. I’d already hacked up the chicken chow mein I’d ingested last night, and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I’d had for lunch yesterday, and the Cheerios I’d had for breakfast. I didn’t have time to get rid of the water I’d had that morning—I was already running late because of that stupid test.

  I pulled into Shane’s driveway two minutes late and hopped out of the car, taking a second to brace myself against the hood. Okay, no quick movements unless one of the kids was about to break their arm. Right. I just needed to take it easy.

  I hadn’t even made it to the front door before Shane was outside and walking past me to his truck.

  “You’re late,” he called over his shoulder, his boots hitting the driveway at a steady clip.

  “I had an emergency.”

  He came to an abrupt halt at my words and turned to take me in, his eyes sliding over my body. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I just—”

  “I’m gonna be late for work,” he cut in, turning back around. “We need to talk tonight when I get back.”

  “You have no idea,” I grumbled as he climbed inside his truck and drove away.

  Shit, I was tired. I’d been waking up to puke for the last two nights, and the lack of sleep made me feel like I was in a fog half the time. I was a person who needed a solid eight hours, and for the past few days I’d been getting less and less.

  I fell onto the couch with a groan and pulled the blanket off the back to cover myself up. I’d just rest for a little while before I had to wake Sage for school.

  * * *

  “Auntie Kate! Auntie Kate, wake up. It’s time for school,” Sage called quietly, shaking my shoulder.

  “Shit!” I woke with a start and sat straight up.

  “Shit!” Gavin called from across the room.

  “Shit!” Gunner copied him.

  “Don’t say shit!”

  “Shit!”

  “Shit!”

  “Are we late?” I asked Sage as I slid my feet into my flip-flops.

  “No, but we have to leave right now,” she answered emphatically, already walking toward the door.

  “Wait! Where’s Keller?”

  “I think he’s still asleep!”

  I ran up the stairs, my stomach churning so badly I had a hard time catching my breath.

  “Kell, let’s go, bud,” I called as I picked him up. “Gotta get sis to school.”

  He woke up as we made our way back downstairs, and I let him walk barefoot out of the house while I carried Gunner. We didn’t have time for silly things like shoes or Gunner’s increasingly nasty diaper.

  “Everyone in their seats!” I called as I lifted Gavin into his seat with one arm. “Go around to the other side, Keller!”

  The kids climbed into my car, Keller scrambling over the backseat to get to his place in the third row. God, I was so glad I’d traded in my smaller car for something more along the lines of an SUV last year. They’d all fit, but how the hell was I going to cart five kids around on a daily basis?

  My nausea increased as I made sure all the kids were buckled in and hopped into my seat. My hands shook as I pulled the keys out of my pocket, and I took a deep breath as I fit one into the ignition.

  There was no need to worry about tomorrow, I warned myself as we drove to Sage’s elementary school. I just needed to worry about now. I just needed to get Sage to school on time and—

  “Sage, did you eat breakfast?”

  “I had a Pop-Tart.”

  “Okay, I forgot to make your lunch so—”

  “Can I buy lunch?” she asked excitedly, bouncing in her seat.

  Why did the packed-lunch kids always want to buy cafeteria food and the hot-lunch kids always dream of a packed sandwich?

  “Yeah.” I dug in the bottom of my purse for a few dollar bills and handed them back between the seats. “Don’t lose that.”

  “I won’t,” she promised, stuffing the bills into the front pocket of her backpack.

  “I’ll be here to pick you up after school,” I told her for what felt like the millionth time, coming to a stop in front of the sidewalk.

  When she’d first started back to school after Rachel died, she’d asked me every day if I’d be there to pick her up. Every single day she’d ask, as if to make sure I wouldn’t forget her. Eventually, it just became our morning routine, and before she could even ask, I’d reassure her that I’d be there.

  “Okay! Love you!” she called out as she pushed her way past Gavin’s legs and climbed down.

  “Love you, too!”

  I waited and watched her go inside the double doors even though the car behind me in the drop-off line was inching closer and closer to my bumper in impatience. They could bump the back of my car and I still wasn’t going to move until I saw that Sage was safely inside.

  When we got back to the house, I was sweating a little, and the boys’ yelling and Gunner’s dirty diaper weren’t helping the situation any. I loved Kell and Gavin, but at that moment I wished I could just put on some noise-canceling headphones and zone out for two minutes while I got my stomach under control.

  “Don’t feel good?” Gavin asked as I changed Gunner’s diaper on the living room floor.

  “I’m okay, baby,” I assured him, gagging. “My tummy just hurts a little.”

  “Frow up?”

  “Maybe, dude.”

  “Gross.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Auntie Kate, I’m hungry,” Keller called from where he was hanging upside down off the couch.

  “Keller, why are you always upside down?”

  “I like being upside down.”

  “Well, I don’t talk to upside-down people, so you’re gonna have to get down or I’m not listening,” I replied calmly, pulling Gunner to his feet.

  “I want pancakes,” Keller ordered, coming to stand beside me. “With syrup.”

  I turned my head slowly and stared at the little boy, who was quickly becoming a demanding little punk. “What was that?” I asked, one eyebrow raised.
r />   “I want pancakes.” His arms crossed over his chest, and his little chin came jutting out in defiance.

  “You want to rephrase that, bud?”

  “I want pancakes,” he said again stubbornly before lowering his eyebrows. “Now.”

  My jaw dropped open, and my skin flushed as I took in the little man. I couldn’t believe what he was doing, though I probably should have. Keller had been getting slowly worse and worse as the weeks went by, no matter how I tried to redirect or correct his behavior.

  “In your room for five minutes, Keller,” I said calmly, my heart thundering in my chest as I climbed to my feet. My stomach clenched, and I was on the verge of tears, but I didn’t let my impatience seep into my voice. “You know better than to talk to me like that.”

  “I don’t wanna go to my room!” he whined as I hoisted Gunner onto my hip and led Gavin toward the kitchen.

  When I didn’t acknowledge Keller’s whine, his voice grew louder until he was screaming.

  “I don’t wanna go to my room!” he yelled, his fists clenched by his sides as I strapped Gunner into his high chair and Gavin into his booster at the table.

  “You guys want some oatmeal?” I asked the little boys quietly while Keller continued to yell.

  “Yes please,” Gavin answered while Gunner signed the word for “eat.”

  “Do you want brown sugar or blueberries?” I asked Gavin as I turned toward the fridge.

  I didn’t even make it a step before I was being pushed forward with the force of a little body slamming into the back of my legs.

  “You’re mean!” Keller cried, hitting at the back of my thighs. “I don’t like you!”

  “Keller, stop it!” I yelled over his screams, making Gunner start crying. I was trying to get ahold of his sturdy little arms without turning around, because I couldn’t bear the thought of his fists hitting my nauseous stomach.

  “Keller Shane Anderson, what the hell are you doing?” Shane’s voice rang out over the noise of the kitchen.

  Keller and I froze as Shane came stomping into the room, and the only thing that could be heard was Gunner’s sniffles.

  “Daddy!” Keller cried pitifully, running toward Shane and wrapping his arms around Shane’s thighs.

  “What’s going on, bud?” he asked, looking at me in confusion.

  “Auntie Kate won’t make me pancakes!”

  “This is about pancakes?”

  Keller nodded, his face buried against Shane’s side.

  “You couldn’t just make him pancakes?” Shane asked in exasperation, putting his hands under Keller’s arms and lifting him onto his hip.

  That was all she wrote.

  Within a second, I was racing to the bathroom, and I made it just in time to slam the door behind me and vomit nothing but bile into the sink. I started crying, then sobbing as I braced my hand on the counter and rinsed out the sink. I hadn’t even made it to the toilet.

  Keller was acting like a pod person had stolen his body. Shane ignored me. Sage was still worried I wouldn’t pick her up from school. I wasn’t sure that Gavin was talking as much as he should be.

  And I was pregnant and too sick to even make it to the toilet to vomit.

  It was too much. I felt like I was slowly unraveling.

  I took a deep breath as I heard Shane talking to the boys in the kitchen and pulled one of the hand towels off the rack to dry my face.

  Nothing would get done if I hid in the bathroom, and I had no idea why Shane was even home. I needed to get myself together.

  I walked back into the kitchen to find Gavin and Gunner just finishing up little cups of yogurt and Shane pouring himself a cup of coffee. Damn, that coffee smelled good.

  “Sent Keller to his room,” Shane told me softly, handing me the cup of coffee he’d just poured. “You wanna explain what that was about?”

  “Pancakes,” I replied bitterly, pulling a package of wipes off the counter so I could start cleaning the boys’ hands and faces.

  “I didn’t mean—”

  “You can’t do that stuff, Shane,” I cut in as I helped Gavin out of his seat. “That’s why Keller acts like that. I mean, we all know you’re the boss, okay? We all know. But every time you bitch at me because one of the kids is throwing a fit, they think they don’t have to listen to me.”

  “I don’t—”

  “You do.” I picked Gunner up out of his high chair, and he snuggled his face into my neck, obviously still a little overwhelmed from all the noise.

  “I’m their dad. They should come to me.”

  “I’m not saying they shouldn’t—” Dammit, my eyes started filling with tears again, and I cursed the stupid pregnancy hormones racing through my body. “I’m saying that you keep undermining me, and now Keller thinks he can boss me around like I work for him or something.”

  Gunner wiggled to get down, and I set him on the ground so he could crawl into the living room where Gavin had turned on some cartoons.

  “You treat me like shit, Shane.”

  “No I don’t! I barely fucking see you.”

  “Exactly! You barely say a word to me unless you’re asking me to do something, and anytime I’m disciplining the kids you step in—”

  “They’re not yours to discipline,” he stated flatly, making me suck in a sharp breath.

  “You’re right. I absolutely had no right to send Keller to his room for being a demanding little brat.”

  “Don’t call him a brat.”

  “If it looks like a brat, and talks like a brat, it’s usually a brat.”

  “You couldn’t just make him some fucking pancakes?”

  “Are you shitting me right now?” I hissed, stepping forward. “I don’t mind making Keller pancakes! If he’d asked, I probably would have said, Sure, baby, you want some chocolate chips in those? But he didn’t ask. He demanded pancakes.”

  “He’s four.”

  “He’s five. And he knows better than to talk to adults like that.”

  “You’re blowing this out of proportion,” he said dismissively, turning back to the coffeepot to get his own cup.

  “So it’s okay for him to hit me? Is that what you’re getting at? Give him what he wants so he doesn’t throw a huge-ass tantrum?”

  “I told him he shouldn’t have hit you—that’s why he’s in his room right now.”

  I sat down heavily at the table and rested my tired eyes on the heels of my hands. Shane wasn’t hearing me. He was so fucking wrapped up in his own importance, and he couldn’t even see where I was coming from. “What are you even doing home?”

  “Got let out early since it’s Friday and there wasn’t shit to do,” he answered, coming to sit across from me at the table.

  “Okay, well, I’m going to go say good-bye to Kell before I go.” I stood wearily from the table.

  “We need to talk. You got a few minutes before you leave?”

  “Yeah. Let me go check on Kell first,” I replied, turning toward the stairs.

  I hated stairs; they seemed to mock me and my lack of energy.

  When I got to Keller’s room, he was passed out across the foot of his bed. Throwing the gigantic hissy fit must have worn him out—either that or the hissy fit had been because he was so tired. God, I missed the sweet little boy who thought I was God’s gift to nephews.

  “He’s asleep, exactly what I’m going to be the second I get home,” I informed Shane as I made my way back into the kitchen.

  “You look like you’ve lost weight,” he said out of the blue.

  “I probably have. What did you want to talk about?”

  “Can you still stay with the kids while I’m on deployment?” he asked nervously.

  “It’s a little late to be asking. What if I said no? You have like three weeks, Shane.”

  “Are you saying no?”

  “Of course not, but we have some other shit to discuss.”

  “What other shit?” He turned his mug around and around between his palms and I could
n’t seem to look away from the sight. His long fingers—nope, I wasn’t going to go there. “I’ll set up an allotment that goes straight to your account for bills and shit while I’m gone, groceries and stuff. I can always change—”

  “I’m pregnant,” I blurted without warning or buildup. If I’d had a serrated blade, I could have cut out my own tongue then.

  “You’re what?”

  “Pregnant.”

  He stared at me blankly for a long time, and I was afraid to say anything else, but then his face lost the blank look and turned completely emotionless.

  “Can you still keep the kids, or is it going to be a problem?”

  “It’s not an it. It’s a baby.”

  “I need to know if you can still stay with the kids.”

  “Of course I can, Shane, God! Could you follow the fucking conversation?” I finally snapped, annoyed at his lack of response. “I am pregnant. The baby is yours. Now it’s your turn to speak.”

  “I’m not sure what you want me to say here, Kate,” he replied calmly, but his fingers had tightened around the coffee mug until his knuckles were white.

  “Anything. At this point, I’d take anything,” I replied tiredly, my heart racing.

  “Are you sure it’s mine?”

  My body went cold then, the sweat I’d felt underneath my arms growing cool so quickly I almost shivered. “Anything but that,” I whispered hoarsely, with a small shake of my head.

  I rose to leave without another word, and he didn’t stop me as I kissed the boys good-bye and slipped on my shoes.

  “When Keller wakes up, please tell him I love him,” I called out as I reached the door. “I’ll pick Sage up from school today since I already told her I would.”

  I heard his chair skid across the linoleum and his voice calling my name, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t handle any more that day.

  Chapter 4

  Kate

  I fucked up,” I announced into the phone as I lay on the bathroom floor.

  “Well, hello to you, too,” my foster sister Anita retorted. “Why are you echoing?”

  “I’m in the bathroom—”