Secrets of My Hollywood Life #4: Paparazzi Princess

by Jen Calonita

  "Parasailing is like driving a Ferrari." Dad's tone is strict as he begins to reprimand us, slipping into an analogy from his car salesman days. "Sure, it's exciting, but if you get in a fender bender, the car will never be the same. Need I remind both of you that you're under contract with Family Affair whether you're on vacation or not? I don't think you're allowed to do something this dangerous! If one of you got hurt there would be huge repercussions."

  "Sorry," Matty and I mumble at the same time.

  "You should be," Mom says, sounding exasperated. "At least if I knew, I could have had Laney set up some sort of exclusive with Access Hollywood!"

  Matty and I look at each other. Then we look at Rodney and the three of us burst out laughing. Mom and Dad look at each other and start laughing too.

  "Mom, I love you, but you're insane!" Matty hiccups, holding his stomach. "Work is all you think about!"

  My mother has been my manager since I started my career. When Matty got into the business a few years ago, she became his as well. Mom says that no one would be able to look out for our interests as well as she does, but Nadine thinks my mom is obsessed with my career and that her managing style suffocates me. I don't think she's that bad, but sometimes I do worry my mom is more concerned with whether I win a Kids Choice Award than how I do on a chemistry test.

  Mom is still laughing pretty hard. "I can't help it. My brain is hardwired to be your manager and when I see an opportunity, I have to take it!"

  "We're on vacation," I remind her. "This is why we confiscated your cell phone."

  "Sweetie, that's not enough to keep your mother away from Hollywood," Dad hoots. "She's had a backup phone on her the entire time." Mom blushes furiously.

  "Speaking of calls, you've had a few while you've been flying over the island." Mom holds up my cell phone. I was so nervous about parasailing I guess I left it back in the villa. "Liz called from Hawaii and Austin called and said he'd see you after work on Monday." She raises her eyebrow again.

  "I missed Austin and Lizzie," I groan. I've spoken to Austin every day, but with the major time difference I've only spoken to Liz three times. She sounds like she's having fun, though. She met this girl from Los Angeles the other day and they were going hiking together.

  "More importantly, Seth called from Vail. He needs to talk to you."

  Seth is my agent and for him to be calling me from his first vacation in three years, it must be major. Everyone I know is away this week. Hollywood sort of shuts down in late December and Los Angeles becomes a ghost town. Nadine is visiting her family in Chicago; my publicist, Laney, jetted to Cabo with "Drew and Cameron"; and Liz and her dad, my entertainment lawyer, are island-hopping in Hawaii. With no one left to bug, Mom and Dad even let us leave town (especially after they found out the Beckhams cancelled their New Year's Eve party).

  "Did he say what he wanted?" I ask.

  "Now that vacation is over, he wants to set up a meeting to discuss your post-FA plans," Mom explains. "He says we have to move if you want a chance at a new show."

  "Already?" I squeak. I promised to make decisions about my future after this break, but I didn't realize we'd be diving in so soon. "I can't believe we have to worry about a new job. I'll still be taping the show for another few months."

  "Your decade-plus of regular paychecks is running out soon," Dad jokes. "Where do you think we're going to get the money for our next luxurious, private villa-style vacation if you don't find a new project for me to produce, Matty to star in, or Mom to manage you on?"

  Mom and Matty laugh, but the joke feels like a punch in the stomach. I never thought about my FA career in that way before, but I guess Dad has an unsettling point. I've been this family's breadwinner for a long time and soon I'll be unemployed. What happens if I don't find the next Ugly Betty or a Harry Potter franchise to carry my family for a few years? Will I have to let Rodney go? Give up Nadine? Yikes. Now I'm getting depressed.

  "We should probably set something up for next week," Mom is saying. "I want to find your next project and announce it as soon as possible." I nod.

  "Okay then," Dad says as we reach the golf cart we've been using to get to and from the main resort. "Let's get back to the villa, wash up, and rendezvous back at the cart at seven PM for our last dinner in paradise." He smiles at me. "You better enjoy it, kiddo. I have a feeling the next few months are going to be a blur."

  I smile weakly. I thought I'd have time to get used to all these changes, but I feel like I just stepped onto an express bus speeding toward the end of FA. I just hope when I make the final stop, I'm ready to get off.

  Friday, January 2

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Call Seth back.

  Look up definition of aerostat. Pack SAT books 4 the plane ride!

  Saturday flight home: 4 PM

  Monday: FA calltime 6 AM

  Movies w/A: after work, time TBA

  FA20015 "The Beginning of the End"

  (CONTINUED)

  12. INT. BUCHANAN MANOR KITCHEN--DAY

  The kitchen island is covered with a large breakfast spread. It's a bright, sunny, Sunday morning and PAIGE, SAMANTHA, and SARA are in high spirits after a round of tennis.

  SARA

  What's with the lavish breakfast? No offense, but I usually just eat a banana.

  PAIGE

  I thought it would be nice if the four of us had breakfast together. We're all running in different directions lately. I feel like I never see you girls.

  SAMANTHA

  Same goes for you, you know. What's with all these secret rendezvous with Dad? I still can't believe you two flew off last weekend and didn't say where you were going.

  SARA

  They're always whispering on the terrace too. What's up with that?

  DENNIS walks in wearing a dark suit and carrying a briefcase.

  DENNIS

  Good morning, my beautiful ladies. (He kisses each of them.) I guess it's time we 'fess up. There's a reason your mom and I have been so covert lately. (He looks at Paige.) I've been asked to become the CEO of the Bluestone Group. They're building an advanced computer technology system for NASA.

  SAMANTHA

  (Sam hugs him.) Dad, that's incredible! This is what you've always dreamed of doing!

  PAIGE

  This is an amazing opportunity for your father, girls, but before you get too excited, there's something else you should know. The company is based in Miami.

  SARA

  Cool! Can I come with you sometimes? I hear they have great shopping in South Beach.

  DENNIS

  Well, it wouldn't be to visit, Sara. If I take this, we'd have to move there full-time. I can't run a company this size via satellite and BlackBerry.

  SAMANTHA

  (shocked) You're joking, right?

  PAIGE

  We need a change, girls. Your father and I have felt this way for a long time. After everything that's happened this past year, and the Buchanan Manor fire a few years ago, we want to make a fresh start and we feel this opportunity is the way to do it.

  SARA

  You can only have a fresh start if you move to Miami?

  DENNIS

  You girls are going to be off to college in two years and then it will just be your mom and me. We have to think about our future too.

  SARA

  What about the future of Buchanan Enterprises? Or Granddaddy? He needs your help running the company, Dad. And Mom, what about Aunt Krystal and Aunt Penelope?

  PAIGE

  We've thought about all of these things, girls, but the truth is, sometimes you have to take control of your own life and to do that you have to put your own needs first.

  SAMANTHA

  (choked up) That's it then, isn't it? This isn't some big family meeting where we all get to take a vote. You two have already decided!

  PAIGE

  If this is about Ryan, he can visit whenever he wants. You'll work it out.

  SAMANTHA

  This isn't jus
t about Ryan! It's everything! How could make us move during junior year?

  SARA

  It's not like schools in Miami don't have a yearbook committee, Sam.

  SAMANTHA

  (to Sara) How could you be okay with this? I thought you loved living here!

  SARA

  I do, but South Beach is electric. I could work on my tan, meet some cute boys . . .

  SAMANTHA

  (snaps) You can do those things here.

  PAIGE

  I'm surprised at you, Sam. If anything, I thought Sara would give us a tougher time with this decision. You're always up for trying new things.

  SAMANTHA

  This is different! I'm not going. Aunt Krystal or Granddaddy will let me stay with them.

  DENNIS

  Samantha, if we go, we're going as a family.

  SAMANTHA

  Well, then maybe I don't want to be part of this family any longer!

  (Samantha runs from the kitchen in tears. Sara moves to follow her.)

  PAIGE

  (to Sara) Let her go. She needs time. She can't hide from the future forever.

  Two: Back to Reality

  "There you are!" Paul yells exuberantly as I enter the FA makeup room. "How's our little star? Did you have a good break?" I give him a huge hug. Paul is my hair designer (he's banned the word "hair dresser" from my vocabulary).

  "Your skin is glowing," marvels Shelly, my makeup artist, as she wraps her large frame around me. "How was Turks and Caicos?"

  "Great," I tell them. My vacation was incredible, but it feels good to be back in my comfort zone. "The weather was perfect every day," I gush. "Matty and I even went parasailing. Don't tell Tom," I add quickly.

  "You made it back in one piece, so who cares?" quips Paul. He helps me up into the makeup chair and begins spritzing my wavy hair with water. My phone rings and Paul sighs. "You can answer it, but don't blame me if the curling iron singes your Motorola."

  "HI!" Lizzie squeals when I pick up. "I told Mr. Harris that I needed to use the bathroom so I could sneak out and call you. Our flight from Hawaii was delayed last night and I didn't get in till late."

  "That's okay. I missed you!" I tell her. "When are we getting together?"

  "How about tonight?" Liz asks. "Slice of Heaven at eight?"

  "I can't," I say guiltily. "I have a date with Austin." I grab my Sidekick and scroll through the week's schedule. "Tomorrow I'm working late. Thursday I have a meeting. How about Wednesday?"

  "Wednesday I have a kickboxing tournament." Liz sounds bummed. "Thursday I have this thing with Josh and Friday night I'm hanging out with Mikayla."

  "Who's Mikayla?" I ask as Paul comes dangerously close to burning my ear.

  "She's that girl I met in Hawaii," Liz explains. "She's awesome, Kates. She's a freshman at NYU. Her family just moved to Los Angeles so she's out here for winter break. You have to meet her before she goes back."

  Liz has been obsessed with getting in to New York University ever since she assisted me on the set of Pretty Young Assassins and began working with the film's producer. Now Liz's goal is to be a major Hollywood producer. Someday we want to team up and create our own production shingle. It could happen. Having a production company is the hot star trend these days.

  "Well at least I'll get to see you this weekend at the Cinch luncheon," I say. Cinch is this high-end handbag company that stars drool over. Their annual invite-only luncheon is one of Liz's and my favorite events. The money from every Cinch handbag we buy goes to charity, which means I can spend and not feel guilty about borrowing from next month's allowance. "Maybe we can meet up with your friend afterward."

  "Perfect," Liz says. "I'll call you later. I better get back to class before Principal P. catches me."

  When I hang up and look in the mirror, my hair is full of big, bouncy curls that have been finished with a high gloss. The look works with the outfit Renee gave me in wardrobe. I'm wearing a Zac Posen denim skirt and a pale pink halter top. But together, neither my hair or my clothes seem right for a scene where Sam is supposed to come from just playing tennis. "Paul, this looks great, but isn't it a little dressy?" I ask tentatively as Shelly applies my foundation.

  "I'll redo your hair before the first scene," Paul explains as he runs a comb through my curls one more time. "First you have the promos to shoot."

  "Promos? What promos?" I ask.

  "There you are," Nadine says as she strides into the room. I jump out of my chair and give her a tight hug. Nadine is more than just my longtime personal assistant. She's my Yoda. While Mom and Laney, my publicist, are consumed with me doing the best thing for my career, Nadine is the one concerned about me doing the right thing for me. She worries when I get caught up in work stuff, always has my best interests at heart, and keeps my life organized better than any assistant I know. I don't know what I'd do without her.

  "Did you hear about the promos yet?" Nadine asks me. "That's why I'm late. I had to go pick up your script from Tom." Nadine's balancing a huge stack of papers on top of her bible (aka the binder that holds my schedule) and her personal cell phone and work BlackBerry are ringing and vibrating simultaneously, but at least she looks relaxed. She's wearing makeup, her collarbone-length red hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and she's sporting a black ribbed shirt and green cargo pants with her Adidas sneakers.

  My face must look confused because Nadine adds: "Don't worry. Your lines are easy. The network wants you to shoot some clips about FA going off the air so that everyone and their mother tunes in. You're meeting Melli and Sky on the set in fifteen minutes." Nadine hands me a paper and I look at the brief script.

  SARA: Will I finally get my act together?

  PAIGE: Will I convince my family I know what's best for them?

  SAMANTHA: The only way to find out is to tune in. Don't miss the final eight episodes of Family Affair.

  SARA: You know you'll kick yourself if you do. (Paige looks at her) What? You know they will. (Faces the screen again) Don't miss what everyone is going to be talking about.

  PAIGE: She's got a point.

  SAMANTHA: Eight episodes left. Don't say we didn't warn you.

  PAIGE, SAMANTHA, and SARA: Family Affair. Sundays at nine.

  Gulp. EIGHT episodes left? Is that really all there is? I thought there were more, but I guess this makes sense. It takes us more than a week to shoot each episode and we only shoot through March even if the episodes air through May.

  "These are your interview questions for Seventeen." Nadine is still talking. "I asked them to send them over before your phoner. A lot of the questions are going to be about the end of Family Affair, but you can't give away plot info. After that you have a meet-and-greet with the winner of a studio contest and another phone interview. Then I thought we could do an SAT practice test. I assume you've been studying every night." She hands me a script. "And this is from Seth. He wants you to look over this TV pilot."

  My head is spinning. Interview, meet-and-greet, SATs, meeting. Oops. I still have to call Seth back! "Nadine, you're really on your game for the first day back," I kid.

  Nadine doesn't laugh. "I know," she says seriously. "You're looking at a new and improved Nadine. I made a New Year's resolution for myself while I was in Chicago: I'm going to be more than just your personal secretary from here on out. You need someone to guide you into a future without FA, and I can help you do that. I want you to reach your full potential both professionally and personally. No more slacking off! That's why I've developed a Kaitlin Burke game plan." She pats her binder and smiles. "We're going to get you a great SAT score so you have a college backup plan, and we're going to look at as many projects as possible to find the right one for the more grown-up you." She puts her arm around me. "Think of me as your own personal life coach."

  Huh? I know I said I trust Nadine completely, but that doesn't sound anything like the Nadine I know. Nadine wants me to do well, but she's never been consumed with molding my life the way the rest of the tea
m has. She's my friend first. I'm sure Nadine means well, but it's not like my life is hanging in the balance. Shouldn't I be able to achieve my potential on my own? Sure, I lose it sometimes -- okay, a lot -- but I don't need Nadine to babysit my life. I'm just going to ignore that last statement. Maybe she lost oxygen on her plane ride back to L.A. Or she could just be feeling the strain of the show ending, like I'm starting to. Suddenly I feel sad. I'm going to really miss everyone at FA.

  "Are you done?" Sky appears in the doorway, snapping her gum. Her raven hair is curly and she's wearing a khaki Prada dress I recognize from their spring line.

  Well, I'll miss almost everyone.

  Okay, that's not nice. Sky and I have never been friends (She may play my fraternal twin, Sara, but she's more the Wicked Witch to my Glinda), but after twelve-plus years of working together, what happened at FA last fall helped us see eye to eye. This guest star named Alexis Holden wanted a permanent role on our show and when she was told the cast roster was full, she planted vicious lies about us in the press. I guess she thought Sky and I would blame each other for the bad karma and get ourselves fired. But for once, we worked together, and saved our jobs. Well, till the end of the season.

  Shelly gives me a quick coat of Bobbi Brown lip gloss and I hurry after Sky. We walk the long corridor in silence for the first few minutes, which is really awkward.

  "How was your break?" I ask, trying to be friendly. "We went to Turks and Caicos. It was beautiful. What did you do?"

  "Stuff," Sky says stiffly.

  I stop. "Sky, this is silly," I say. "After Alexis, we were getting along better, weren't we? We don't have to be BFs, but we can still be friendly on set."

  Sky sighs. "I guess. I only have to see you for a few more months anyway."