by Riley Knight
“Yeah,” Luca admitted. “I guess I have. But me and Julian, we’re both going to do something that we find pretty scary. It was like …” Luca cut himself off, and Kiran didn’t ask him what he was going to say.
Which was a good thing. Kiran was a good guy, and he’d always had Luca’s back. Luca had no doubt that he would continue to do so. But clearly, he didn’t understand, and with everything that was going on in Kiran’s life, who could expect him to?
Kiran’s father had just died young before he was even fifty years old, and Luca didn’t know what was going on with Kiran’s mother, but she wasn’t around. Kiran wouldn’t talk about her. So Kiran was alone, having inherited his father’s business.
The business that had stressed Kiran’s father into an early grave.
In short, Kiran had bigger problems than Luca did, and Luca had to remember that.
So he kept his mouth shut, and when Kiran finally stomped off to bed (hopefully to sleep, since the dark circles under the other man’s eyes suggested that he hadn’t been doing a lot of that lately), Luca pulled out his laptop and started to do some job searching. He sent out a few emails to places that seemed promising, like the sort of place that he could work.
After all, he had a promise to keep.
* * *
It was funny how things worked sometimes.
Luca had expected it to take weeks of looking before he found a place that wanted to interview him. He had maybe even thought that he would never find that place, that this was all in vain.
After all, he had, from time to time, tried to find a steadier job. The thing was, those jobs tended to want experience. He’d never been able to find a place that wanted to even look at him before.
That experience, though, he had now. From five years of going around taking whatever job he could get, he had it. And when he woke up the next morning, he had a response to one of his emails.
They wanted to meet with him the moment that he got back.
Luca sat back, staring at the email. It seemed like such a huge decision, suddenly. Did he really want to give up the life that he had? No matter how stale he’d felt it getting, it was his life, and it was all that he’d known as an adult, really.
Wasn’t it giving up his freedom?
Yes. Of course, it was. But Luca took a deep breath and started to type out a reply. Yes, it was giving up his freedom. What he was going to get back, though, seemed more than worth it.
It wasn’t just being around Julian, either, though Julian had certainly been the one who had pushed him to think about it. It was about keeping some integrity. About writing what mattered. And maybe, just maybe, getting enough money in the bank that he could afford a better place.
Maybe someday he and Julian could afford to come to Kyoto, or to other cities in the world, together. To travel not because he had to, but because he wanted to really see the cities with the person that he …
Loved.
That was the word that came up first in his mind. And it should have terrified him far more than it did. It had only been a few months since he’d first laid eyes on Julian, but there had been something about the man that drew him.
From the very first time that they’d talked, hadn’t he been busy falling in love with the guy?
So he typed out his reply. He would go to the interview, which he’d scheduled for the day that he got back, and then, hopefully, he would be able to go to that bar with some good news for Julian.
Julian. As Luca sent the email, his thoughts were all of his lover. It had just been a few days but damned if he didn’t miss him with every inch of his body, with every fiber of his being.
Julian, with his face mobile and expressive, eyes dancing as he laughed. Julian, naked in bed under Luca, head thrown back as he moaned and fucked himself on Luca’s cock. Always Julian.
He had to get back to him. Kiran was doing better, and part of Luca wanted to stay with his best friend and get him through this tough time, but he simply couldn’t afford to do it. Kiran knew that.
It made him feel guilty, though, just how happy he was going to be to get back to the United States. He felt terrible for his best friend, and he hated how much he was going through. Hated that the thing with Ella hadn’t worked out for him so that he didn’t even have that to help him.
He would be there for Kiran, he decided. He would make sure to Skype with him, text him, stay in touch with him. Yes, he had this brand new and very exciting thing, but he wasn’t going to ignore his friend.
With that decided, he was free to lapse back into what was becoming his favorite activity. Daydreaming about Julian. It was going to have to do until he could be with the other man again.
Meet Julian at the bar. Those were the last words that they’d spoken to each other, that agreement, and Luca had never, not in his entire life, been so excited by the concept of going to a bar.
Although, who knew? If Julian did write his song, Luca thought it was quite possible that Julian wouldn’t have to work at that bar for very much longer, not if he didn’t want to. With even half a chance, Julian, with his smoky, gorgeous, deep voice, he could be big.
It was definitely worth a shot.
Which sort of summed up their situation in general. Even though Luca didn’t do relationships and neither did Julian, though for different reasons, their relationship was worth a shot. And Luca’s new job opportunity, well, that was worth a shot, too.
Yes, he would meet Julian at the bar. God yes. It thrilled him deeply to think that, in just a few days, he could be sitting at his table in that tiny little bar, watching Julian perform. And later, he could take Julian home and take him to bed until he forgot about this period of separation between them.
Then he would get Julian’s number, because this was ridiculous, not having it. Or, at least, he would give Julian his number, so that if they were ever separated like this again, they would have some way to contact each other.
It all made sense, and it was all so good.
Chapter Seven
Julian
Across the Pacific Ocean, Julian was, in fact, looking out over the waves and thinking about Luca. Thinking about him and missing him, as he sat by the window with a notebook in his lap and a pencil in his hand.
He was writing his own song, finally. It came pouring out of him, spurred on by his loneliness and his feelings for Luca. The floodgate that had held him back for so many years had been thrown wide open, and his pencil moved across the paper at breakneck speed, the words being committed to the paper almost faster than his muscles could actually manage to move.
It was so easy. Just focus on Luca, and on the way that Luca made him feel, and it was like the song wrote itself. He’d struggled so much, but what it had eventually come down to was that he needed the inspiration.
He’d never let himself love before. Not since his parents had both been killed in a car crash all of those years ago. Logically, of course, he knew that they hadn’t left him on purpose, that it was just one of those deeply shitty things that happened sometimes, but it had stunted him.
It had happened when he was eighteen, right when he was leaving the strange, repressive atmosphere of his high school.
Somehow, his feelings had all gotten jumbled up together with their death, because he had come out to them just a few weeks before the accident, and it hadn’t gone well. Not that they’d threatened to kick him out or anything, nothing that dramatic. Just a lot of ‘Are you sure you’re gay? Maybe try dating a woman or two just in case it’s a phase?’
People had worse trauma, no doubt about it. He’d met other gay guys who had it much worse. Hell, even Ella, as a black woman, had been through things that Julian could only imagine.
But she was so brave. Though she would be surprised to hear it, he was positive that she had helped him to be brave enough to do this thing with Luca.
He knew that Ella had grown up poor, far poorer than Julian had ever even imagined being. With her own talent as the only leverage
, she’d pulled herself up, and remained cheerful the whole time.
So basically, she was Superwoman. Only far, far cooler. She took risks like breathing, and Julian couldn’t help but find that inspiring.
Luca had opened Julian’s heart, but Luca never would have gotten the chance without Ella.
And then there was Luca himself, who spoke so openly about his wishes, his hopes, and his desires. All of these really brave people were all around him, and maybe that was a part of why Julian found himself capable of, for the very first time, writing a song.
He wrote the lyrics all in one night, and the music didn’t take much longer. It was easy, so damn easy, when he had the inspiration that he did. Just focus on how much he missed Luca, and how he felt when he was with him, and he had a song.
Dreaming by the Ocean, he called it, and it was done in less than a week. In a few days, he could show it to Luca. Maybe even play it for him, if he were brave enough. Why not? Luca had been the one to inspire him to write it.
His first song. His words, his music, on the paper, an extension of himself. A risk, maybe the first one that he’d taken in years.
He had to go to work. He considered bringing it, he considered playing it for Ella, or, even more daringly, playing it for the strangers at the bar. In the end, while he did bring it, it wasn’t because he was going to play it for anyone. It was simply that he wanted to feel the connection to Luca that writing it had made him feel.
Luca, however, should definitely be the one to hear it first.
* * *
“So when is Luca coming back?” Ella asked casually, perched on a box backstage, her dark eyes glinting with playful amusement as she gazed at Julian, who was sitting on the box beside her.
He even knew that she was teasing him, but that didn’t stop him from grinning widely as he answered.
“In about twenty-two hours,” Julian said, “If the plane is on time.” He laughed softly. “Oh, fine. The plane is due to land in twenty-two hours and fifteen minutes.”
Yes, he was that much of a loser, that he knew exactly how long it was until Luca’s plane was supposed to land. Every moment that ticked by made him rejoice inside because it brought him closer to seeing Luca.
“Dork,” Ella said affectionately, and Julian grinned. He couldn’t help it. He had never been a huge grinner before, but the happiness that bubbled up in him was irresistible. It was like Luca had helped him remember what there was to smile about.
“I thought that I might meet him at the airport,” Julian said with an overly casual air. “I think I have time before work.”
“That would be great if you didn’t have a good chance of missing him in the crowd,” Ella said doubtfully. “You’re adorable, by the way. If you’d let him give you his damn number, you could have texted him that you were there. Maybe if you get as close to the departure gate as possible …?”
That was Ella for you. Practical, but still trying to find a way to make it work. He reached out and took her hand briefly, squeezing it. Not the sort of thing that he would have been brave enough to do before, but he was learning.
“Thanks,” he said, in response to her questioning look. She shrugged and smiled at him, her fingers squeezing back at his.
“No problem. You’re a total train wreck, you know that?” But once more, her tone was filled with utter affection, she was just teasing him. She had attitude, of course, that was just how she was, but she obviously cared.
“I should have just given him my number,” Julian had to admit to himself, sighing as he drew his legs up on top of the crate to perch on it cross-legged. “I … I miss him.”
That was probably pretty obvious, he figured, but also worth saying. He’d been hiding, or trying to hide, most of his feelings for so long that it was difficult for him to say something even that obvious.
He could drive Luca off, though, if he just shut himself down. It had happened before, with friends and even with a few people that might have become partners, lovers, if Julian had let it happen. Looking back with the perfect 20/20 hindsight that always happened when it was too late, he realized that.
“Yeah, you should have. Why didn’t you?” Ella asked. Both of them, even while chatting in quiet voices, kept one eye on things. Julian knew that his set wasn’t that far from starting, and Ella, as always, would be right after him.
“It was like … everything moved so fast,” Julian admitted. “I wanted to make sure that he had an out. Luca, he’s pretty passionate. I didn’t want to trap him.”
It sounded weak, even to him, now that he had to say it out loud to someone else, but it had felt so true at the time. From the doubtful look that Ella was giving him, though, that excuse wasn’t holding much water.
“But you said that he asked for your number. More than once,” Ella pointed out, and Julian winced a little but had to nod his agreement. That was true. “Look, why does it seem so weird to you that this guy could want to be with you?”
Julian shook his head, not in denial of her points, but just to try to clear his mind, to make her question make some sense to him. Why did it seem so weird that Luca could want to be with him? Why was Julian so on edge, when Luca had never given any sign of wanting to escape?
“I don’t know,” Julian admitted, both to himself and to Ella at the same time. The woman shook her head, amused with him, but also compassionate.
“Well, it’s not like I should be giving you relationship advice,” Ella said, her tone of voice dry. Julian perked up his ears suddenly, leaning forward to listen to her more closely. Her voice had dropped in volume, and this was something that he didn’t want to miss.
He’d been wondering why he hadn’t heard her talk about Kiran for at least a week, maybe longer. Why she’d seemed to be down.
“What do you mean?” Julian prompted when Ella didn’t seem inclined to elaborate on that.
“It’s just … I kind of … I don’t know. It doesn’t even count as breaking up when it’s not a relationship to start with, right?” Ella sighed, turning to look at Julian, her dark eyes sad. “I freaked out. That’s what happened.”
Julian took her hand and squeezed it lightly, trying to offer some comfort. A picture was forming in his mind, but he let her keep talking, anyway.
“He wanted to do something more serious. More exclusive, I guess. I felt like he was trying to control me, so I freaked and told him that I wasn’t into that.” She shrugged. “The really stupid thing was that it wasn’t even like I was sleeping with other people. Or even that I wanted to.”
“Oh, girl,” Julian said, shaking his head. It was his turn to be amused, but the truth was, he understood where Ella was coming from. She had wanted to keep Kiran at a distance, and hadn’t Julian been doing the same thing with Luca? Ella had just gone a little bit further with it, but it was the same general thing.
“I know, I know. But whatever, right? There’s plenty of gorgeous Japanese men with big dicks all over the place, right? No big deal,” Ella said, and she laughed, obviously at herself, at her own foibles.
It was a lesson. Wasn’t it? Julian could drive Luca away, if he let his fear take the lead. Or he could be bold. Like Luca. Or bold like himself, like the version of himself that had stayed up late every night writing his song.
“Maybe you could call him?” Julian said, but Ella shook her head, her face suddenly sad. Just for a moment, because she painted a bright smile on right after, but the sadness had definitely been there.
“I deleted his number,” Ella admitted. “I mean, when I say I freaked, I really freaked. Even if I did call him, I doubt he’d want anything to do with me.”
Julian shook his head. He and Luca had hung out with Kiran and Ella a few times, and from what Julian had seen, Kiran was pretty nuts about Ella. Julian had been watching, because Ella may have started off as a work friend but she’d ended up as his best friend, and he felt just as protective of her as he knew that she felt about him.
“Maybe when Luca gets back,
we can ask him,” Julian offered. “I mean, I know Kiran is probably going to have to be in Japan for a while. But maybe you can text, you know?”
Ella looked at him, and Julian could see that there was hope there. That she regretted her hasty decision to end things with Kiran. She’d been trying to hide it, but she’d been restrained and a little sad for a while now, and now, Julian knew why.
“I mean … it wouldn’t hurt, right?” Ella said, and she might try to sound casual, but it came off as flat and unconvincing. “It’s worth a try.”
And there it was. It’s worth a try. That was exactly how Julian felt about Luca. It was worth a try. Yes, it was terrifying, because it wasn’t like Julian had exactly done this sort of thing before, but it also felt worth it. Worth a try. Worth the risk.
“What are you thinking about?” Ella asked the question after a brief silence fell between them, a silence that was filled with the bustle of the noise of the backstage area. Someone was smoking back there again. Probably the new guy. He’d been caught a couple of times already, even though it was strictly forbidden to smoke in such close quarters.
“Do you smell that?” Julian asked, and Ella sniffed, and then rolled her eyes and nodded.
“Yeah. Someone needs to go tell him to cut that out.”
It wasn’t safe. Julian didn’t have a huge problem with smoking, he knew a lot of people in the music industry did it. It wasn’t his thing, but he wasn’t highly judgmental about it.
There were so many flammable things around. Julian didn’t really understand why the guy wouldn’t just step outside, or why he wouldn’t just leave, actually, since he’d already had his set.
Julian slid off of the crate, intending to go scour the nooks and crannies to find the guy and kick him outside. But then the performer before him came backstage, and Julian knew that he was out of time.
“I’ll talk to him,” Ella said, and Julian smiled and hugged her briefly.
