by Riley Knight
“Thanks, dollface,” he said, making her giggle, and then he went through the door, adjusting the suit that was the required uniform for all of the male performers. He didn’t think about the smoker again because he was busy going through his routine.
For once, there was an advantage to the fact that no one seemed to be paying much attention to him. His heart wasn’t really in the music, though normally, he got swept away in it almost despite himself.
This time, though, he was thinking about the fact that Luca was coming home. Thinking about what it would be like to hold Luca once more, to look into those brilliant eyes and kiss him and maybe even tell him that he’d finished the song.
The smile on Julian’s face was genuine, even if the way that he sang the songs wasn’t. The people in the bar were pretty well drunk at this point, though, and he let himself go on autopilot for once.
What would it be like to actually put his heart and soul into performing something that he’d actually written? It would make him so much more vulnerable, he knew that without needing to be told, but wouldn’t that just make it that much more rewarding?
He’d been afraid for so long, and now that haze of fear was starting to lift. It had started the night that he’d almost talked to Luca, actually, the night that he’d gotten bold enough to take the risk. It hadn’t paid off at the time, but it seemed like it had started some sort of irreversible process.
Maybe he was too lost in his daydream because it took him a while to realize what he was smelling. Smoke. God, how much was that guy smoking? That was more smoke than could come from one cigarette, and the owner was going to flip if any of the bar patrons smelled it and complained.
It was even on the air, a gray haze that made it just a little bit difficult to see through. It got into his lungs and made his mouth and throat dry.
And then he saw the reddish flicker of the flames, and the door from the backstage area burst open.
“Fire!” Someone screamed, with billowing clouds of gray smoke all around them. That started the stampede. The screams. There was only one door, and it just so happened that it opened inward.
In seconds, the door was jammed with people, the pressure from those behind making it so that those by the door couldn’t move enough to open it. With his heart pounding in his chest and his eyes stinging from the smoke, Julian jumped down off of the stage.
All of a sudden, the heat was everywhere. This place had always been a firetrap, and the building was going up in flames. Coughing, choking, desperately trying to find a way out, Julian cried out to try to get people to hear him, to get them to back up so that the door would open, but they were all in a panic.
The building was small, and the smoke rolled into the room from the back area. No doubt about where the fire had started and Julian didn’t have any doubt as to how this had all happened. No doubt at all.
“Move!” Julian dimly heard someone else’s voice over the din. Ella. It was Ella. He added his own voice to hers because really, it was the only hope that they had.
“Everyone back up!” Julian howled, but it felt like he was yelling into a void, into a black hole, one that utterly sucked his voice into itself and robbed it of all of its power.
There were only fifteen people, maximum, in the bar. But with everyone swarming the only door, it felt hopeless.
Barely able to see, eyes streaming with tears as they tried to clear the smoke particles and clear his vision, Julian groped his way over to Ella. He grabbed her around the waist. She was the only one, other than him, that seemed to have her wits about her.
“Everyone move!” they shouted at the same time, as the room filled to choking with smoke and the flicker of the flames started to become more visible.
In thirty seconds, everything changed, and Julian knew that this could be the end if he didn’t get out of there. So he started to physically haul people away from the door, letting them hit him, scratch him, in protest.
Their only chance was to get that door open. The heat, the lack of air, was sapping Julian’s energy, but he kept pulling, he kept burrowing his way through the people, and somehow, by some miracle, he eventually felt the cool air on his face.
Chapter Eight
Luca
Back in the United States. Luca could almost swear that the air tasted better. As the plane had raced through the air from Japan, Luca thought that he could feel Julian getting closer and closer to him.
Home. Close to Julian again.
It was a huge relief. Honestly, it was probably a good thing that Luca had the job interview almost the moment that he landed. Otherwise, he might have been tempted to go to Julian’s place and kiss him into complete and utter submission. Luca didn’t have Julian’s phone number, but mostly, when they got together, they ended up back at Julian’s place.
Every time, actually, now that he thought about it. Luca was going to have to take Julian home, he decided. He wanted to make it completely clear, in all possible ways, that he was serious about Julian.
Maybe then the man would trust him more. Would open up fully to him. Luca knew that he didn’t come off as being serious about most things, but that was something he wanted to change if it kept Julian by his side.
Julian. The man had been on his mind almost nonstop from the moment that he’d first laid eyes on him. None of the thrills had faded, not even after spending so much time together for the month since they’d started dating. Or whatever it was that they were doing. Julian.
He was going to miss out on this chance, though, he realized, as he waited in one of the uncomfortable office chair seats, the kind that made the chairs at the Greyhound station or the hospital ER feel comfortable in comparison, if he didn’t pull his mind together. Get it onto working, onto convincing the people at this newspaper that he would be a good fit for them.
That was going to be hard enough without being distracted, considering that he didn’t even know how to fully convince himself of that.
He’d expected something a little bit different from the place. It was a newspaper that specialized in environmental causes, though there were also stories about sexuality issues, gender issues, and all sorts of liberal things. Luca had read a few issues, and he’d been intrigued by the whole thing.
But he’d expected something a little bit less … businesslike from the place. Fewer cubicles, for instance. Less bad art on the walls. It looked like it could be any place of business, a dentist, a mainstream newspaper, a doctor.
Wasn’t he being a little snobby, though, expecting anything different? This was, after all, still a workplace. Besides, since he was trying to get something a bit more stable for himself, he should be glad that a potential place for him to work would seem like they were organized like they had their stuff together.
Oddly, he was the only one waiting for an interview. Still, it was late in the day. Maybe they’d already done the rest of their interviewing. He knew he was lucky that they’d agreed to see him at all.
“Luca? They’re ready to see you now,” the receptionist, a neat, shiny blonde woman said, giving him a smile that seemed sincere enough unless you happened to look into her eyes. Those eyes, though, spoke of boredom, of being polite though she really couldn’t care less about any of this.
“Thank you,” he said, being polite right back, and then he took a deep breath and entered the office that the smiling blonde woman indicated to him.
* * *
Luca was in that building for much longer than he would have thought when he entered it.
Todd, who was his new boss, wanted to show him everything. Yes, that’s right, his new boss. Within about five minutes of Luca entering Todd’s office, it seemed, Todd had made his decision and was already talking like Luca was going to be working there.
It all happened very suddenly. The next thing Luca knew, he was being shown around the building, and Todd even showed him where his cubicle was going to be. A cubicle. God. What was he getting into here, anyway?
He had ne
ver, not in his wildest dreams, thought that he would be getting a cubicle. Not ever. In fact, even just a few years ago, he would have gotten cold shakes at the very thought of being pinned down to something like this.
On the other hand, it seemed like a good place to work, right? And Todd had been very excited when he saw some of the articles that Luca had written before. It was time to grow up.
Maybe. Or maybe it was time to go curl up in a little ball under his covers.
By the time he was done filling out the paperwork and getting the grand tour, it was late, and not only that but the jet lag was hitting him hard, making him feel like he had concrete blocks firmly tied to his shoes. It was tempting to go straight to the bar, but he was so exhausted, and when he did go to see Julian, he wanted to be awake enough that he could try to explain what he wanted from him.
If he tried that right now, he feared that he would trip over his words when he needed them to come smoothly. No, it was far better for him to wait, to do this right, even though everything in him yelled at top volume that he should be closer to Julian.
And yet, being in the United States, that was already closer than he had been for the last week. As he curled up in his own bed, his exhausted body fell into a deep sleep. Even just being this much closer to Julian, he slept better than he had the whole time he’d been gone.
* * *
Still groggy, still recovering from jet lag, Luca stumbled around his apartment the next day. He’d slept until well after noon, and his head felt like it had been stuffed full of cotton balls so that it was hard to think.
As he made the tea that he very much hoped would give him the caffeine hit to get through this funk, he couldn’t help but smile to himself. Tonight was the night. He and Julian had agreed to meet at the bar, and that night, Luca would go down to that bar, and he would hold on to Julian, and once he had him, he was pretty sure that he was never going to let the beautiful singer go.
The rest of the day seemed to pass in slow motion. Luca did some stuff around the house, which he’d been neglecting for a while, paid some bills, cleaned some things, and when all of that was done he settled down to start writing the article that was the actual reason that he’d gotten paid to go to Japan.
Weird to think that he wasn’t going to just be accepting jobs on his own anymore. Weird to think that he was going to be working for a company, who would tell him what to write.
The idea still made him nervous, but he had to at least give it a try. If he wanted to be the sort of serious man that he figured that Julian wanted, and definitely deserved, he was going to need to grow up a little.
So he did adult stuff all day, but the whole time, it was with one eye on the clock. He knew exactly when the club opened, and while he also knew that Julian didn’t perform until later, he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything when there was a chance that he could catch Julian coming in early.
Did that make him a stalker? It was a question that he asked himself quite often and had ever since he first became fascinated with Julian. He had made it a point never to harass the man, never to bother him. Still, it was a thin line.
But he was so eager to see the man, and he could just stay out of the way. He wouldn’t make a scene, he wouldn’t try to go through the door to the back where Julian hung out before his shows. He would just be there, just be available, and either way, he’d at least get to be closer to him.
It didn’t seem like Julian minded, though. And, more importantly, in all of the time that he’d known the guy, Ella, Julian’s best friend, hadn’t seemed to mind, either. She’d cautioned Julian to be careful like any good friend would, but she’d never seemed to have an issue with Luca watching Julian perform. Or wanting to be around him.
If anyone would have a problem with it, he figured it would be Ella, who was very sweet but also very protective of her friends, Luca had learned, like a mother bear protecting her cubs.
That actually comforted him. He had the idea that if he’d gone too far, Ella wouldn’t hesitate to let him know, but she’d always been nice to him. If anything, she seemed to approve of him and Julian.
It was too bad about Kiran and Ella, though. Probably not his business, but maybe, just maybe, after he was done taking Julian to bed and keeping him there for probably about a month straight, he could talk to Ella about it. Casually try to find out if she had run from Kiran because she was scared, or because she really didn’t want it.
Life seemed bright to him, cheerful and full of potential, as he got into his car to head over to the bar. It wouldn’t be long now. Worst case scenario, he figured, it would be about five hours, maximum, until he saw Julian again. Seven hours until he could hold him in his arms.
As he drove, he dimly noticed that a sort of hazy fog was starting to surround the car. It was odd, fairly sudden, and it got deeper and thicker as he went. Definitely strange because the evening had been clear when he had been at his own apartment …
Then he smelled it. Something that was a little bit like the campfires that he remembered from his childhood. Only that smell had been cheerful and brought back happy memories, whereas this one … this was different, somehow. Older. Mustier.
There had been a fire. Without realizing he was doing it, Luca sped up his driving. The fire had nothing to do with him, he told himself. Rationally, this was a well-populated area. It could be any one of these apartments or businesses that had had a fire.
It wasn’t like it was likely that it would be a certain bar.
Fighting back a sudden surge of panic, Luca tried to focus on driving. The smoke got thicker around him, and he couldn’t help but notice that it kept doing so the closer that Luca got to the bar …
Then he was there, stopping his car as the world crashed down around him. The buildings around him were starting to look black around the edges. Up ahead, he saw them get more and more burned, until, at the very center of all the destruction, he saw nothing more than an empty space.
An empty space where a building had been before.
Holding his breath, Luca got out of the car, his eyes immediately stinging from the smoke in the air. Yet there was no heat coming from the burned buildings around him, either. When had this happened? How long did smoke stick around after a fire? The weather had been so calm ever since he got back. Calm and still, with little wind to blow the haze away.
Feeling completely numb inside, Luca walked. Only that wasn’t true. He was only mostly numb. Way down deep, in his very core, in the very center of his being, something was screaming, wailing, grieving, as he approached the empty space where there had once been a jazz-themed nightclub.
There were a few pieces of charred wood. Some bricks. Assorted other debris. The heat of the fire had destroyed everything else.
Luca looked left, and then right. He scanned the block, hoping that somehow, he was in the wrong place. That the destruction had turned him around, and that Julian’s club was somewhere else. A different neighborhood, different street. But there were landmarks still around.
The fire had destroyed the whole block. None of the buildings on it were habitable. And the bar, where Luca had agreed to meet Julian, the bar was just gone. Just gone, and with it, Luca’s only reliable link to Julian.
Bursting into a full sprint, Luca ran up the street, toward Julian’s apartment. From what he could see, the whole block, along with Julian’s house, had been burned to the ground, but he had to at least check. Hope was a powerful thing.
It all came crashing around him, though, when he couldn’t find the building that had housed his Julian. It wasn’t there, no matter how hard he looked for it. At a much slower, wearier pace, Luca went back to where the bar had been, or where he thought it had been, right in the middle of the burnt area, the epicenter of the destruction.
For at least an hour, Luca waited there, hoping against hope that he would see Julian. They had, after all, promised to meet here. But Julian never came.
* * *
In this day and age,
shouldn’t there be some way to find Julian?
Only Luca didn’t even know Julian’s last name, and when he went to Facebook to try and find him, there were far too many people with the same first name as Julian. And when he scanned through the pictures of these strangers, he saw faces that were completely unfamiliar staring back at him.
None of them seemed to be his Julian.
There had to be something, though. Some way to find the guy. Getting more and more frantic, Luca tried to think of what that something could be. If only he’d been more demanding about getting that phone number. Or even a last name.
It took him a few hours to see the obvious solution. A few hours of metaphorically banging his head against the wall. Kiran. Yes, Kiran and Ella might have broken up, but Kiran surely had Ella’s number? And this was an emergency, Kiran would look past his pride to see that.
Struggling desperately to think past his panic, Luca tried to remember what time it would be in Kyoto. It was past midnight here, and Kyoto was sixteen hours ahead, which would make it … early evening? Late afternoon? Something like that, where Kiran was.
Certainly not a bad time to be calling, though honestly, he was pretty sure that he would have called regardless. Again, this was an emergency. How else was he supposed to contact Julian? Every other way that he’d tried had been fruitless.
So he picked up his phone and called him. Not texted, but actually called. He couldn’t wait long enough for Kiran to get back to the text. The guy was notoriously bad about such things, and he was doubtless pretty distracted right now with everything he had on his plate.
The phone rang, and Luca allowed himself a moment of hope as he listened to the sound. Soon, he’d be talking to Kiran, and Kiran could help him … but the ring of the phone pulsed once, twice, and then went to Kiran’s voicemail.
Immediately, Luca hung up and called back. Yes, he was that guy. But as more and more time passed and he had no contact with Julian, he was getting frantic. So he was being rude. Fine, he would be rude. Kiran would just have to understand.
