My Next Play

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “No, I just have a lot on my mind. And homework. And I should probably stop at one beer.” Not a lie.

  “I thought you were on your way to the kitchen to get more. You don’t need to leave because I ran into you.”

  “It’s not about you. I promise.”

  His cheeks blushed, and I wanted to kick myself. Why was I such an idiot? Every word that came out of my mouth felt as if I was kicking him. I didn’t know why. “I didn’t think that. I should go.”

  I reached out and gripped his forearm. His thick forearm. All muscle. The muscle I wasn’t going to think about. “Sorry, I’m having an off night.”

  Or an off life at this point.

  “I can see that. I’m having one, too. I am sorry that I ran into you.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry, and not just because you live here. We were going around blind corners. I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more often. Anyway, it was nice to see you, Miles,” I said, very proud of how I sounded—like an adult without issues plaguing them.

  He let out a breath. “Have a good night.”

  “You, too, Miles,” I said, feeling his gaze.

  I couldn’t let on that I knew. That I remembered kissing him.

  I didn’t know if he’d kissed me back. Though perhaps I didn’t want to know. I needed to stop thinking about dating within the house pool. I needed someone new. Somebody who made me smile and laugh and didn’t live at the same address as Pacey, Dillon, Miles, or Tanner.

  There were many guys at school. They existed; I knew they did. I didn’t need to think about Pacey. Or now Miles, it seemed.

  Miles looked at me again. “Sure.” Then he headed over to a group of people I knew shared his major. Since we were all starting our senior years, most of us ended up in groups of people we studied with.

  English majors were a little different because there were enough of us, like the business majors, who ended up in our own little worlds, usually alone. I had my roommates. I didn’t need anyone else.

  I ignored my earlier thought about another beer and once again considered going home, but then I would just be running, wouldn’t I? Also, I didn’t want to be a liar.

  My phone buzzed, and I pulled it out of my crossbody bag and frowned.

  Dad: Just checking in on you.

  My eyes burned, but I didn’t cry. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t have a lot of feelings left. Or maybe the problem was that I had too many.

  Me: Everything’s good. I love you, Dad.

  Dad: I love you too. Just miss you.

  Tears nearly fell again. I blinked them back. I did not need to think about my home life. I didn’t need to think about anything beyond school.

  It was just Dad and me now. Cancer had finally taken Mom after a hard and painful fight. It was only the two of us left. He was the man I needed in my life—no one else.

  He was alone tonight, and so was I—even surrounded by people.

  Me: I love you. I’ll call you tomorrow?

  Dad: I’d like that. Stay safe, buttercup.

  I snorted at the nickname and then smiled.

  Me: Always.

  I put my phone back into my purse, grateful I hadn’t cried in the middle of the party. Tanner was off in a corner, his harem of people around him. I didn’t know if he was in a relationship or not since the triad he had been in had blown up because of cheating—though not by Tanner. He had rules. And if you broke them, you were out of his life.

  He met my gaze over the throng of people and raised a brow. I shrugged, threw a little wave, and headed towards the door. Natalie and Elise were off in another corner with Dillon and a couple of people I didn’t recognize, but they didn’t notice me walk by. They were all having an animated conversation. I kept moving, not wanting to intrude, especially with the dark cloud above my head.

  I didn’t know where Pacey or Mackenzie had gone, and I did my best not to look for them. I would text everyone that I was headed home so they wouldn’t worry.

  Even if I felt alone in a crowd of people, my roommates and the guys would always make sure I was safe. I had them in my corner, and I had to remember that.

  Closer to the door, I ran into another person. My shoulder ached, and I winced. Tonight was so not my night.

  I looked up at the man with blue eyes, blond hair that curled over his shoulder, and a smile that had two dimples peeking out of his cheeks.

  Okay, then. Swoon.

  A nice guy. One smiling at me and giving me a very come-hither look. And he did not live at this address.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, smiling down at me. “I didn’t mean to bump into you.”

  I smiled back. “I’m sorry, too. I seem to be clumsy today.”

  “You, clumsy? Oh, I don’t think so. Maybe it was just meant to be that I knocked into you.” He winced. “Wow, that was possibly the worst line I’ve ever used. I could have said something about, ‘Did it hurt when you fell?’ but that would be going too far.”

  I laughed, shaking my head. “I’m glad you didn’t start with that.”

  “Are you heading out?” he asked. “I hope not.”

  “Another line? A little smoother this time, at least. As for leaving, I’m not sure yet.”

  “I’m Xander. You should come and have a drink with me. To say sorry for knocking into you.”

  “I’m Nessa. You know what? Maybe a drink is okay.”

  “I like the sound of that, Nessa.” Xander held out his arm. I linked mine with his and laughed.

  Tonight had not gone exactly as I’d wanted it to, but Xander seemed nice. At least for a beer and a laugh.

  He didn’t live with Pacey, he wasn’t Pacey, and he wasn’t a guy with glasses that I seemed to have imprinted myself on, one I had kissed when I was at my lowest. A guy who’d been so sweet to me, I was afraid that I would hurt him unintentionally by being myself.

  I pushed thoughts of Miles out of my mind and had a beer with Xander.

  This year was supposed to be about being a new Nessa. About new beginnings and trying to pull myself from the ashes of before.

  Somehow, I’d find a way to make that happen.

  Even if I wasn’t sure if the embers had thoroughly doused themselves along the way.

  Chapter 2

  Miles

  * * *

  “You’re telling me you’re almost done with college, and you still don’t have a girlfriend?”

  I barely resisted the urge to roll my eyes at my younger brother as he bit into a French fry and grinned at me.

  Aaron was fourteen. He’d been the surprise baby my parents hadn’t expected. After all, they had already been raising twins and hadn’t been prepared for a third kid. But along came Aaron, and our family was complete.

  At least, for as long as we’d had it.

  Aaron was loud, mischievous in the best ways, loved video games, and was a history nerd. However, he did his best to hide that from the rest of the world so he didn’t get bullied in school. He had plans to use history and some form of media to take over the world. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure how that would happen, but the kid wanted to go to college when the time came, and I was sure he would find a major that worked. It had taken me a while to figure out what I wanted to do, and here I was, in my senior year of college, getting a biomaterials degree, with grad school in the future and all of the lovely paperwork for my course load. And no girlfriend.

  A fact that Aaron liked to point out.

  Often.

  “Hey, you don’t have a boyfriend,” I said. Oh, good. Now, I was kicking at a teenager to make myself feel better. Just kill me now.

  Aaron only grinned. “That you know of.”

  This time, I did roll my eyes. “If you did, you’d have told me.”

  “That’s true,” he said, dipping his French fry into his milkshake. I did the same and sat back in the booth. We were sitting in a diner near campus, spending what little time I had in the afternoon just hanging out. I rarely got time alone with my brother
without my parents breathing down my neck, being their overprotective selves. Not that I blamed them given everything that had happened, but it wasn’t like I could do anything beyond seeing Aaron for a couple of hours a week—if that.

  I had made my choices before, and I had to live with them. I hated that Aaron had to live with them, as well.

  “Seriously, why don’t you have a girlfriend? Weren’t you dating that one girl from your class?”

  I bit into my burger, giving myself time to answer. “We’re just friends. Well, I thought we were friends. She wanted to get some things off her checklist,” I said, thinking of Marie. She’d wanted to spend a few weeks together for her plans, though I’d only featured in them marginally. She also fought the curve with me in every one of our upper-level classes.

  “You mean she wanted to lose her V-card before she finished school?” My brother whispered the words, but they seemed to echo throughout the diner.

  I cringed. “There were so many things wrong with that statement. However, the two of us weren’t on the same path into what we wanted out of a relationship.”

  “You want love and marriage and all that?” Aaron asked.

  I wanted to reach across the booth and smack him on the back of the head. I refrained. Only barely. “Not exactly. But it’s fine. We’re still friends.”

  “Isn’t she in all your classes, though? You said you only had like eight people in each of your senior-level classes. That’s what you said.”

  The kid never forgot a thing I told him. “Yes. And she’s dating one of the girls in our class now. They’re happy. I think they’re going off to grad school together.”

  “So, you got left behind. Poor guy. It’s okay. I can teach you my moves.”

  I snorted. “You’re fourteen. I don’t want to know what your moves are.”

  Affronted, Aaron puffed out his chest. “I’ve got moves.”

  “You’d better not, or Mom and Dad will bring down the hammer,” I warned, not teasing this time.

  Aaron winced. “Okay, I don’t have moves. I have friends. No moves. You know Mom and Dad rarely let me out. I swear, if you hadn’t arranged this whole lunch thing on the weekends for us, I don’t think I’d even get to see you.”

  I held back a sigh. “I’m always here, Aaron. No matter what. You know Mom and Dad are only overprotective and strict in their rules because they love us.”

  “Yes, because of…well…everything.”

  I swallowed hard and reached out and gripped his wrist. “I’m sorry, you know? That you have to deal with my messes.”

  Aaron’s throat worked as he swallowed hard, but he looked up at me. “Don’t be sorry. I don’t blame you, you know. For anything.”

  Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, and I let Aaron’s wrist go before I leaned back in the booth. The half-eaten burger in my stomach felt like lead, and I wasn’t hungry anymore. I pushed my plate to the middle and ignored my melting shake. “We all make decisions, and we all face the consequences.” At least those who survive the decisions, I thought to myself, but I didn’t say that out loud. Only I knew Aaron thought it, too. After all, it had only been four years ago when everything had changed. Aaron was fourteen now, in his first year of high school, and things were changing even more.

  Our parents were strict with him, far more stringent than they had ever been with us. They tried to impose the same rules on me now, even though I wasn’t a child anymore. All because of one night when I hadn’t said no. When I had given in.

  I sighed and pushed the thoughts from my mind. I didn’t need to think about that. As it was, I had applications to work on and essays to fill out. Grad school wouldn’t pop into existence on its own. I needed to work on programs that would pay me a stipend and allow me to go to school. I had earned scholarships for undergrad. Had saved throughout high school and college, and my parents saved for me so I wouldn’t end up in debt when it came to school. I was a teacher’s assistant on the side, which helped with bills, but I was still lucky. The grants I had now meant I needed to prove that I was worth it later. Special compensations wouldn’t pop out of nowhere.

  “Hey, is there a reason we came here instead of meeting at your place?” Aaron asked after a moment.

  I pulled myself out of my thoughts. “Oh, Tanner was in a mood, and I didn’t want to deal with it.”

  “At least, he’s better than the guy you were sharing a room with when you were in your dorm your freshman year.”

  Freshman year had been a mistake. I had received full room and board that first semester and had told myself I was ready to deal with real life. That I didn’t need to live with my parents. That even though everything had just happened and was so fresh, the wounds still bleeding inside my heart, it was only metaphorically.

  My roommate had ended up stealing from me, acted like a douche, and constantly locked me out. He hadn’t liked that I enjoyed reading, science, or things having to do with life outside of banging chicks—at least, according to him. Everything that I had done, even wearing glasses and liking superhero movies, had been too geeky for him, and he’d made sure I understood that. Superhero movies weren’t only for geeks anymore. They were popular culture that everybody liked. Yet, I had been a nerd to him, so he thought I deserved to get my shit stolen and broken.

  Between dealing with my roommate and everything at home, my parents had pulled me out of the dorm, and I ended up living with them for a couple of semesters until I couldn’t take it anymore. Then, I’d been lucky enough to find a place with Dillon, Pacey, and Tanner, as well as Sanders.

  Sanders no longer lived with us and was a complete asshole. I was grateful he was gone. He had always had a stick up his ass and had treated me much like my old roommate had. When he ended up cheating on his girlfriend, Mackenzie—who now dated Pacey—Sanders had ended up leaving to live in an apartment that his parents paid for. My parents helped pay for school so I wouldn’t begrudge him that. However, the fact that he lorded it over us even after he cheated on a girl we all liked? That pissed me off.

  “Tanner’s being a jerk, so I can’t come over…” Aaron said, wiping his hands after he’d finished his meal, still eyeing my burger. I sighed and shoved the basket at him, and Aaron began devouring it. He was a growing boy. I didn’t blame him.

  “He’s dealing with some shit, so I’m just going to let him wallow in his feelings for a bit. He’s not a jerk. He’s having a tough semester, and I figured he could use some space and time alone. The other guys are out today.”

  “With their girls?” Aaron asked, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Pacey is. I think he’s at the girls’ house now, working on something. Dillon, however, is at the family’s bar.”

  “I want to go there and see it,” Aaron said.

  I laughed outright. “Yes, because I can just imagine Mom and Dad letting me take you to a bar.”

  “They serve food there, don’t they?”

  “Yes, they do. Some of the most amazing food I’ve ever had. But I’m still not taking you.”

  “You’re no fun.”

  Even though I knew he was teasing, I made sure Aaron met my gaze as I spoke. “I’m not taking you to a bar. You know why.”

  I hated having to do it, making him remember. But there were reasons our parents were overprotective, and I had to make sure he thought about those things and didn’t set them off.

  My parents weren’t cruel. They didn’t yell. But they were broken inside and always would be until they learned to heal. Though I didn’t think they wanted to. Somehow, I had pieced myself back together, even though the jagged remains still cut every once in a while. My parents may never find a way to sew themselves back together.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.” Aaron’s voice was so small I wanted to reach out and tell him that everything would be okay, even if I didn’t believe it.

  “I hate that you even have to. I don’t want you to ask Mom and Dad out of the blue because you want to see Dillon’s place. You’ll end
up hurting them in the end. You know?”

  “I do. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Seriously. Speaking of, Mom and Dad will be here to pick you up any minute.”

  “I guess I should go wash my hands so I’m not covered in grease.”

  “Yes, let’s do that.”

  Aaron got up, stuffed the rest of my burger into his mouth, and went to the restroom to wash his hands. I cleaned up the table a bit and made sure I left a big tip for the waitress.

  I had waited tables my first two years of college because I needed money for school and other things. Somehow, I’d made my way through, even broken, but over the past year and a half or so, I had been lucky in that I had gotten a job at the school. I was a TA and made the same money I had when I’d waited tables at a diner much like this one. I knew Pacey worked off and on, though he had taken the last semester off because he had gotten sick. Dillon worked hard at his family’s bar, and I knew Tanner worked, too, though he didn’t talk about it. If I remembered correctly, he’d said he was a bouncer somewhere, but he also worked odd jobs at strange hours because he was saving up as much money as possible.

  Either way, all of us did our best to focus on what we could to make money for our futures and to figure out exactly who we wanted to be when we left the hallowed halls of college.

  Aaron returned, and I nodded at the waitress as we headed out to the parking lot. My parents were waiting, slight smiles on their faces.

  “There you are. We were thinking of heading to one of the antique shops on the way home. What do you think, Aaron?” Mom asked as she kissed the top of his head, though she barely had to bend down to do it. Aaron wasn’t a baby anymore and was nearly as tall as I was.

  My mom ran her hands through his hair, and he grumbled but let her do it anyway. I moved closer to her and wrapped her in a hug. My parents might want to control my life sometimes and make things difficult and awkward, but I loved them.

  She hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek. “Look at you. I swear you’re getting more muscular. Like a real man.”