I couldn’t pay for my last semester, and I wouldn’t be able to pay for even this final bill.
Tears formed at the backs of my eyes, and I swallowed hard, my hands shaking.
The doorbell rang, and I frowned, wondering who it could be. I picked up Miles’ letter along with the bill, needing something to negate the negativity. Sadly, I wasn’t sure even that would work.
I opened the door, and Miles stood there. All I wanted to do was lean on him, hold onto him and have him tell me that everything would be okay.
That was a mistake, though, and I couldn’t let that happen. I needed to be strong without relying on him. He would be gone soon, and the more I relied on him, the worse it would hurt—just like with Pacey. I might not have loved him like I thought I had, but I had relied on him as emotional support. Something that had slapped back at me when I realized I had been mistaken about my feelings.
It had hurt when I had to walk away, realizing that I had made a mistake.
This would hurt far more.
“What’s wrong?” Miles asked as he walked into the house.
He cupped my face, and I wanted to lean into his touch. Instead, I pulled away and saw the hurt in his expression, but I had to ignore it.
I couldn’t let myself get hurt again. And I couldn’t hurt him by delaying the inevitable.
“I’m fine.” I looked down at the note, my heart breaking even as my voice shook. “Thank you for the letter.”
He gave me an odd look. “Letter?”
Foreboding slid up my spine, and I looked at him, meeting his gaze. His eyes broke me, the way they saw too much. Yet I couldn’t let him see any more. “The one you wrote me. It was like the text you sent.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nessa.”
I looked at him then and held out the letter. He didn’t grab it. Instead, he read it as I held it. He cursed, a scowl etching his face.
“We’re calling that detective.”
“What?” I asked, licking my suddenly dry lips. “What do you mean? This isn’t from you?” I already assumed that, of course, but I needed to hear the words. I needed him to tell me this was a mistake. I couldn’t take any more than I’d already been given.
“Nessa, I’ve never given you flowers. I should have, but every time I thought about it, it creeped me out and made me think of Xander. And that letter? I didn’t write it. It’s not my handwriting.”
“It isn’t?” I looked down at it, and then it dawned on me. It wasn’t. These lines were slanted just a little differently. I had seen his handwriting numerous times as we went over homework, and yet I hadn’t noticed. I had been wrong.
“I shouldn’t have held this. Don’t they need it for evidence or something? Oh my God, why is he doing this, Miles?”
He scowled and walked to the kitchen, leaving me behind as I stood there, my heart racing. I swallowed hard. “Miles,” I said.
“I’m getting a plastic bag, and we’re going to call the cops.”
“My fingerprints are all over it. And I don’t know if those cop shows are actually right. I know nothing about forensic evidence.”
“Neither do I, but this will be as good as it gets.” He held out the bag, and I slid the envelope and letter into it, my hands shaking.
“Why is this happening?”
“I don’t know, but we’re going to call the detective.”
“Okay, I can do that.”
“We can do that.”
Again, it reminded me that I needed to stop this. I had to do this on my own. I couldn’t focus on every detail and remain composed. Which meant, I had to do something that would hurt, even if this might not be the right time. Hell, maybe this was the best time.
“I will. I’ll call him. I’ll figure it out. But first, I need to say a few things.” Why did my voice sound so cool? Why did it feel as if I’d already fallen and there was no hope for survival?
“No, first, you’re going to call the detective.”
“I just…I need you to listen to me,” I said, trying to push all thoughts of everything else in my life out of the way.
Those hurt, and if I focused on them, I wouldn’t make it. I would sit down and curl into a ball, and I wouldn’t fight back. And that was not the Nessa I thought I was. I thought I was a person who could fight back and take care of herself. I pushed my friends to fight for themselves, yet here I was, relying on everybody else and wanting to run away from my problems. I wasn’t going to do that. I would handle this now before Miles got hurt any more. Before I lost everything. Before he lost everything.
Then I would deal with the reality of my situation and burst the fantasy bubble of whatever this was and could be.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I said quickly.
He looked at me then, confusion on his face. “I’ll call the detective. You don’t have to worry. I’m here for you, Nessa.”
Shattered. Broken. There would be nothing left after this. “No, not that. I will handle that. I will handle it all, just like I always have.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Nessa?” he asked, his voice slightly growly.
“I don’t think I can do this, Miles.” I gestured between us. “This is too fast and too much. I know I’m going to be a horrible person, and everyone’s going to hate me for this, but you’re leaving anyway. And I don’t even know if I can stay for the whole year. Even though we thought I could, I’m not sure I can. And I can’t talk about it right now, but this is just too much. You’re going to leave anyway, Miles. I don’t want either of us getting hurt more than we already are. So, you should go. I’ll handle this. I promise.”
I wasn’t even sure what I was saying at that point. I needed Miles gone. If he stayed, I’d break beyond redemption.
I couldn’t let myself fall deeper or shatter into a thousand pieces when he left me. I had to be the one to let him go.
He blinked at me, the bewilderment in his eyes a tear across my heart. “What the hell, Nessa? No, this isn’t how you react to this. We’re going to handle it together.”
“There is no us and together, Miles.” And as soon as I said the words, I knew if I didn’t push him away, he would stay. That was the guy Miles was. He was someone who would always remain. Who would be there because he hadn’t been able to be there for the one person who mattered the most. He would always take care of everyone else.
I couldn’t let him drain himself of everything he had left to protect me, when he’d leave us both broken in the end.
“You need to go. Just let me handle this. We can go back to being friends. Or you can never speak to me again because I’m such a bitch. But you can’t stay. I can’t do this right now with you. Don’t you understand that? I need you to go.”
“Nessa,” he whispered.
Tears threatened, but I pushed them back. It was the only way. “Please. I can’t do this. I can’t deal with school and you and whatever the hell Xander wants. So leave. I’ll lock the doors. I’ll call the detective. I’ll even call the girls. I don’t know. You can’t be here.”
“Meaning you can rely on everyone but me.” His voice was ice, and I hated myself, but I would hurt him more if he stayed. I knew that. It was what I did. He needed to leave.
I needed him to go.
“Please, Miles.”
“I’m calling the girls,” he said, his voice hollow. “We’re going to talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Miles,” I lied. I was such a liar. “I can’t think with you around.”
He looked like I’d hit him, his whole body jerking at the blow. I hated myself.
“Okay, then. If that’s what you want. I always told you it was your call. Always. I’m still calling the girls. Lock the door. Call the fucking detective. Xander’s out there somewhere. He’s fucking stalking you. And you know what? I’m going to give you some time, but this isn’t over. You and me? We have a lot to talk about, and I know this is probably too much for you, so I’l
l go, I’ll give you that space. But not forever, Nessa. We’re going to talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I lied again, and he shook his head and leaned forward.
“There’s everything to talk about. You’re asking me to go, so I will. You asked Xander to go, and he didn’t. That’s the only reason I’m leaving.” And on that parting note, he left. I locked the door behind him, pulling out my phone as I slowly slid to the floor, tears falling down my cheeks.
I needed to call the detective. I needed to reach the bursar. I needed to talk to my father. I needed to do everything except cry, ending up in a puddle as I broke.
With every step Miles took away from me, I regretted it. He was gone. I had pushed him out. He’d said he would come back to fight, but was I worth fighting for?
I was nothing. I was only a burden.
He walked away because I told him to. He hadn’t wanted to push himself on me. That was the type of man Miles was.
That was the type of man I had hurt. The kind I had pushed away.
The type I didn’t want to push away.
Chapter 18
Miles
* * *
“You’re going to head over soon?” Dillon asked, and I looked up from my coffee, pulling myself out of my mind.
“I’ll be there soon.”
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” my roommate asked.
I shrugged. “I’m fine. Just a long night.”
A long night where I hadn’t slept because all I had wanted to do was head back over to the girls’ house and talk to Nessa to try and make her understand that I was fucking in love with her. That wouldn’t have done anything, though. As soon as I’d left, I had called the girls, and they had run over. Dillon and Pacey had, as well. All of them had been there for Nessa, and they had given me weird and accusatory looks when I said that I needed to deal with my work. It had been a lie, and they all knew it. Nobody understood why I had left her alone. I hadn’t left her alone, though. Not really. I had sat out in the car until the others showed up, and then I had driven away. Despite what she wanted, I hadn’t left her. That might not have been her exact wishes, but I wasn’t about to leave her alone where Xander could come out of nowhere. He had hurt her once. He wasn’t going to fucking do it again.
I knew she was scared. I knew she was overwhelmed. And I was the easiest person to knock out of her life. I would give her a moment to think. To breathe. And then we would talk. I was in love with her, and I had to find a way to make what we had before she pushed me away work. I didn’t want this to be temporary. Only I had a feeling it might need to be. If there was too much in her life, things she couldn’t handle, she would push out the one thing she could. Me.
I hated everything right now.
Life. The circumstances. Myself.
Never Nessa, though. I couldn’t.
“You’re looking sad again. Do you want to tell me what happened between you and Nessa?” Dillon asked. I looked up at him, unaware that I’d been standing and looking out into the distance.
“I’m fine. And nothing’s going on with Nessa and me,” I lied.
“Liar,” he said, shaking his head. “You guys helped me before with Elise. I can help you.”
I shook my head. “I don’t need help. I need to think.”
“Something happened before we got there. You wouldn’t have left her otherwise.”
“I didn’t necessarily leave her. I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”
“Okay, but we’re here if you need us. And Nessa’s not going to be left alone. None of the girls are. Pacey and I are taking turns sleeping there.”
“Good,” I said, relief and a bit of jealousy seeping through.
Dillon leaned forward. “If you want to be there, all you have to do is tell me. I’ll give you space.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t need to be there. I don’t think she wants me there.”
Dillon sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too, but we’ll figure it out. First, though, we have Pacey and Mackenzie’s event.”
They had won an award for the semester on one of their projects. The prize wasn’t only dinner in their honor, it also meant that any grad school would fight for them now.
I was fucking happy for them, even if I wished there was a way for Nessa’s major to have something similar. There were no English or writing scholarships for the final semester. Not the way there were for the sciences. While I appreciated the sciences—hell, it was my livelihood and future—I hated the idea that I couldn’t do anything for Nessa. Again.
“We’ll meet you there. Just don’t be late, okay?”
I lifted my chin. “You know I hate being late.”
“I do. I also know you’re having a shit day.”
An understatement. “I am, but it’s what I do. I’ll see you guys soon. I need to pick up a couple of things, grade a few papers, and then I’ll be ready.”
“Okay, good. See you then.”
Dillon left, leaving me alone in the house. Pacey was already there as it was his event with Mackenzie, and Tanner had a seminar that morning and would head over soon.
I’d go later, unable to even bring my brother as I had planned. It was Saturday, so he didn’t have school or soccer thanks to my parents pulling him out last week, but they weren’t letting me take him anyway. I would have to deal with that later. Just not today. There wasn’t enough time. Being typical me, I had made notes about what I wanted to say because, no matter what, I wouldn’t leave my brother’s life. I hadn’t done anything wrong, something Mom and Dad needed to realize. I wasn’t a bad person.
I refused to let them cut me out of my brother’s life. Refused. I just needed to make a plan for my parents to understand that. No amount of me changing the person I had been before the accident had worked so far. I needed to find a different way, even if it hurt in the process.
I pulled on my suit jacket, not bothering with a tie. Mackenzie had said that I didn’t need one, and I was grateful. I hated them. I cleaned off my glasses and sighed, figuring I should probably put in my contacts. It was cold out, and I hated when my glasses fogged up. I headed back upstairs to the bathroom, put in my contacts, and frowned as I looked at my phone. I saw Natalie’s name. I wasn’t sure Natalie had ever called me before. She had texted, but I didn’t think I had ever heard her voice over the phone.
Anxiety filled me because she was supposed to be with Nessa. Wasn’t she? Shit.
I picked up. “Natalie?”
“Oh, good, you answered. Can you pick up Nessa? Her car died.”
“Why aren’t you with her?” I asked as I stuffed my keys into my pocket and headed downstairs toward the door.
“I had to meet with my parents this morning, even though I wasn’t planning on it. Elise was with Nessa, but she met up with Dillon. I think our wires got crossed. So, unfortunately, she’s alone. She’s fine, but her car won’t start.”
I cursed and stomped out to my vehicle. “She wasn’t supposed to be alone,” I growled.
“I know. I’m sorry. I thought she would have called you to come and pick her up. I am sorry. Please. She’s safe, but she needs a ride.”
“I’ve got it.”
“I was surprised she didn’t call you herself.”
“Stop fishing, Natalie. I mean, I like you and all, but I’m not in the mood to deal.”
“Fine. And thank you. Nessa’s in the house, locked up tight, and won’t answer the door for anyone but you. At least once I text her to say that you’re on the way.”
I cursed as I started the engine. “Oh, good. She’ll feel great about that,” I muttered.
“I can head over there and pick her up, I guess. It’s just I’m halfway between the convention center and the house. I thought it would be easier for you, you know since you guys are dating and all.”
“I’ve got it, Natalie,” I gritted out. “Thank you.”
“No, thank you. I am sorry. And I’m here if yo
u need me.”
“I know, Natalie. Drive safely and be safe. Did the cops say anything about where Xander was?” I asked.
“Nessa didn’t tell you?”
“No,” I said, my tone grating.
“Xander’s in jail for a DUI,” she said softly. “So, he can’t get to her. Which is why our wires probably got crossed today. She’s fine.”
“Fine,” I whispered, repeating her word.
“As fine as she can be with her heart broken, though from the sound of your voice, I have a feeling she might have done that herself. I’m not going to pry. Any more than I already am.”
“Thank you, Natalie,” I whispered.
“You’re welcome. Now, fix things. You guys can fix things, right?”
“I shouldn’t be on the phone while driving,” I said, even though I was on my Bluetooth.
“Okay, I’m prying. Goodbye. Be safe.”
“Goodbye,” I muttered and hung up. I pulled into the girls’ driveway and glared at the window as Nessa narrowed her eyes on the other side. She came outside as I got out of the car and stomped towards me after locking the door behind her. “I thought Natalie was picking me up.”
“I was closer. Come on.”
“You didn’t have to do this.”
“Of course, I did. I thought you said we were going to be friends,” I bit out, hating myself.
She flinched but sat in the passenger seat, buckling up. “You’re right. We can do this.”
“You’re the one who broke it off,” I snarled, hating myself. This was a great way to get her back, acting like a fucking asshole.
“You’re right. This is all my fault. I’m sorry.” Her voice broke, and I cursed. I reached out and gripped her hand. She looked up at me, her whole body shaking. “I can’t right now, Miles. We’ll talk. I promise. I just can’t.”
“I get it,” I whispered. “No, I don’t actually get it, but right now isn’t the time. We’re going to support our friends, and we’re going to make sure they know that we care about them. And then you and I will talk. We need to talk, Nessa.”
She nodded, and I gave her hand one last squeeze before I pulled out onto the road, tension roaring in my gut.
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