The New Beginnings (Books #1-3)

by Michelle MacQueen

  “You’re being ridiculous,” she said. “It’s not like I’m always some grump.”

  “But that’s what I love about you.” He shook his head. “This smiley stuff is just weird.”

  “I think she’s pretty when she smiles,” Kimberly put in, taking another short break from her root beer.

  Maggie stuck out her tongue in a very un-Maggie-like fashion at Jason.

  “Maggie is beautiful all the time, Kimmy. But I know there’s a reason for this.” He pointed to her smile and gestured all the way down to where her foot was bouncing to some unheard beat.

  “I just woke up in a good mood.” Maggie didn’t want to explain to her cousin who she woke up with or what any of it meant. She was a private person, but it was more than that. The thoughts swirling around in her head were so confusing, she couldn’t make sense of them enough to put them to words.

  Maybe it was her impending evening with Elijah. Maybe it was the relief of finally having her secret out there.

  She didn’t know why he’d specifically asked her to come. She was usually at the house most of the time anyways but the way he asked made it seem different.

  Had he really wanted to kiss her this morning? Had she wanted to kiss him? That was the most confusing part. Her feelings for Elijah had always been complicated by her fear of losing him. She didn’t believe most romantic relationships lasted. She pushed those thoughts away. For just one day, she wanted to live in the moment. She could think about everything else tomorrow.

  Seconds after that thought entered her mind, it was gone. That wasn’t her. She didn’t just do whatever she wanted. She wasn’t ruled by emotion. She over-thought everything. She was cautious. It was all to keep from letting anyone else hurt her. If she stayed in her box, nothing could reach her. Not anymore.

  “Well, since I’ve got you in a good mood,” Jason started. “I know you aren’t all for me proposing, but I’ve decided how I’m going to do it.”

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been supportive,” Maggie said, meaning every word. She was worried for him, but all she wanted was to see him happy. To see him erase the past and move on.

  “It’s okay. I get it.” Jason pulled a small black box out of his pocket and flipped open the lid. “It’s not nearly as big as the one her ex gave her,” he said nervously.

  “Pretty,” Kimberly said, leaning closer.

  “It’s beautiful, Cuz.” Maggie reached up and patted his cheek. “And it comes from you. That’s what Michaela will care about, not its size.”

  “Thanks.” He sighed. “I’m just nervous.”

  “It’ll be fine. She loves you.”

  He relaxed on his stool, and Maggie was suddenly reminded of the boy version of the man sitting next to her. Always so unsure. Always nervous about every decision. None of us are who we used to be, she thought.

  The sun was disappearing between the buildings as Maggie drove through the city. She’d dropped Kimberly off at Michaela’s coworker Katie’s apartment and just wanted to get out of that part of the city. It wasn’t all that different from the area of Boston she’d grown up in, but that was part of the problem. It brought back too many memories. She knew what it would be like after dark. She hated leaving Kimberly there, but the girl was used to it since it was close to where she lived with her grandmother.

  Traffic was light post-rush hour. One of Maggie’s favorite Joshua Radin songs was on the radio, telling her it was a brand new day. She shook her head at the naivete of the song and let out a sad sort of half-laugh. People didn’t just get new outlooks on life. There were no new beginnings. You get one start in life. You can overcome your start, but there is no redo.

  Maggie knew she was a pessimist, but she couldn’t help it. She’d learned the pitfalls of life by living them. She’d learned to be careful who you trust by being betrayed. The cost of love had been taught with heartbreak.

  These thoughts stayed with Maggie as she pulled up to the curb and got out of the car. She walked around to the side of the house and pushed open the gate. The first thing she saw was the willow tree. Ever since it was planted, it drew her eye away from everything else. It reminded her of a time when a very similar tree was her safe place. A time when she needed a safe place.

  It had grown dark, but Elijah had hooked up a light on the deck that just barely reached the tree. Maggie walked closer as if her feet had a will of their own.

  She was only a few feet away when she noticed the bench. It was white against the dark backdrop of the night. She reached it and sat down hesitantly, sure she was imagining things. It couldn’t be the same bench; the one from Elijah’s parent’s backyard. The one they’d spent countless hours sitting on and talking - or not talking, depending on the mood. The bench where they’d shared their one and only kiss.

  No, Maggie thought. Why would that bench be here?

  She inched her fingers over the side and sighed heavily when they met the all too familiar carvings.

  “Hey.” Elijah’s voice came out of the dark. He walked closer and his figure came into view with the light at his back.

  “How?” Maggie asked.

  “I had my mom send it,” he answered.

  “Why?” It seemed she could only get out one syllable questions.

  “For you.” He reached the bench and sat beside her.

  Maggie closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She exhaled and opened them.

  “For me.” she said slowly.

  “I figured I’d need some help.”

  “Help?” She finally looked at him. “With what?”

  “Maybe tonight isn’t the night.” He sighed. “You’ve been through too much lately.”

  “Elijah, what are you talking about?”

  “I just wanted to show you the bench.” He took her hand in his and stopped talking.

  “Bullshit,” she said. “Tell me what’s going on.” Her eyes held a challenge and Elijah was the one person who didn’t back down from her challenges.

  “I guess we’re doing this tonight.” Elijah straightened his shoulders and met her gaze with an intensity she had rarely seen from him. He didn’t say anything and eventually his eyes softened and he sighed. “Mags, do you even get how much you mean to me?”

  She had no words to respond to that. Maggie, the demanding, pain in the ass, nonstop talker was silent as Elijah moved closer. She closed her eyes and bit her lip as his fingertips grazed her cheek. Elijah leaned in and brushed the softest of kisses across her lips. She froze and his lips paused, asking for permission.

  That’s when her brain kicked in. This wasn’t okay. The questions started piling up in her mind. What happens when he decides he doesn’t want me anymore? What if I lose him? Could I bear living without Elijah in my life again?

  “Elijah,” she practically cried.

  “What is it?” he whispered, his lips inches from hers.

  “We can’t do this.” She sighed as she pushed him back.

  “Maggie -”

  “No,” she said, more forcefully this time. “Just... no.”

  Maggie stood and walked away without looking back, leaving Elijah broken on the bench; their bench.

  Chapter Twelve

  Can you promise you’re only going to kiss me once? Because, Elijah, you are my best friend and if I lose you, I’ll have nothing.

  When she said those words, Maggie didn’t know they were going to dictate her and Elijah’s entire relationship. That she’d hold onto him so tightly she’d push him away.

  She didn’t want to go home. He’d be there. That’s the problem when you let someone live with you: they’re always around. Elijah was working hard to get a bedroom set up in the new house. As soon as he got the kitchen partially up and running, he’d be able to move in. That might not come soon enough.

  Maggie pulled up outside the all-night cafe. She’d been driving around for about two hours and needed to sit still for a bit to think. Elijah’s face invaded her mind at every opportunity. She’d wanted to kiss him th
at very morning, hadn’t she? She couldn’t understand her own feelings.

  Every conversation she’d had with him over the years was suddenly called into question. Had he always felt like that about her? What about when she married Jake? Or when he got married?

  I’m never leaving you, he once told her.

  I promise that I will always love you.

  Had it been right in front of her? Her best friend. If she didn’t want him, would he keep his promises? As soon as she asked herself that, she knew it was unfair to Elijah. Of course he would. Promises were sacred to him.

  She couldn’t give him everything he deserved, and that’s what it all boiled down to. He was the best person she knew. He should be a father one day, a husband. She couldn’t give him either. She’d decided a few years ago she didn’t believe in marriage anymore, and that still held true.

  The waitress brought her coffee, and she drank it quickly. Some people used liquor for liquid courage, but coffee had always done the trick for her.

  She owed Elijah an explanation. Finally knowing exactly what to say, Maggie left a few bills on the table and headed out to her car.

  Her building was dark as she entered it, with only dim lights illuminating the hallway. She reached her door and was relieved to see the glow coming from beneath the door. It was late, but Elijah was still up. Her courage started to dissipate as she pushed open the door.

  Elijah sat in the living room, talking on the phone. He shot to his feet when he heard her enter.

  “She just got home,” he said into the phone. “Thanks, Jason.”

  He hung up and watched her as she stepped into the kitchen for some water. Her mouth was suddenly too dry to speak.

  “I’ve been worried sick about you since you didn’t come home,” Elijah said, keeping his distance.

  “Sorry,” she said, her voice small.

  “I thought you might’ve gone to Jason’s. I was about to go looking for you.”

  “I said I’m sorry.” Maggie’s voice came out stronger after she downed a glass of cold water.

  “You just scared me is all.”

  She finally met his dark eyes, and in them she saw the same boy she’d always seen. She had been so scared that what had happened would change everything. She stepped towards him and he folded her in a hug, resting his chin on the top of her head. After a few moments, he released her and stepped back.

  Everything Maggie had planned to say was swirling around in her head, and she didn’t know quite where to begin. She thought she’d be lucky to form coherent sentences.

  “You love me,” she blurted.

  “Of course.” Elijah leaned back against the refrigerator. “You’re my best friend.”

  “No, it’s more than that.” Maggie continued. None of this was what she had planned to say. It just kind of came out. “I think you’ve loved me for a while now.”

  Maggie had never been one to hold back her words. Luckily, Elijah didn’t seem put off by her bluntness. He stared straight at her in challenge.

  “I have.”

  Maggie had never understood how Elijah could own his emotions like that. It was his special power and, in that moment, she wished she had it. She decided to try. For once, she wanted to just say what she felt.

  “I can’t have kids,” she said. Whoa, where did that come from? Getting a little ahead of ourselves?

  “I know.”

  “I won’t marry you.” Those words would have embarrassed her when they spilled out, but Elijah barely reacted to them.

  “I can work with that.” His voice rumbled low in his chest.

  “Elijah,” Maggie pleaded, her brain getting the best of her. “We can’t do this.”

  “If all you’re going to do is look for excuses, I’m going to bed.” He pushed himself away from the fridge and turned towards his room.

  Maggie jumped forward and grabbed him arm.

  “Wait.” She sighed as her internal battle raged. “I’m scared.”

  “You aren’t scared of anything, Mags.” He turned and regarded her with a slight frown on his face.

  “I am,” she replied. “I’m scared of losing you.”

  “Never.”

  Maggie closed her eyes for a second and, when she opened them, she’d made up her mind. She saw him clearly, and a smile played on her lips.

  “Break it,” she said.

  “What?” He cocked his head and looked at her with guarded eyes.

  “You once promised never to kiss me again,” she said. “Break it.”

  He closed the gap between them and his lips found hers before she could say another word. They were soft and warm just as she remembered from the very first time he kissed her. Unlike that time though, this one didn’t have to end.

  She fisted her hands in his shirt and pulled him closer. His mouth grew hungrier as she pressed herself into him. A groan sounded deep in his throat as her lips parted and her tongue entered his mouth.

  He had one hand on her back, holding her to him, and the other in her hair.

  Maggie’s brain tried to invade with thoughts of this is Elijah, stop!, but she quickly pushed them away. She wasn’t stopping this time. It felt right. She’d thought anything happening with Elijah would be frightening. She thought it’d feel like she was standing on the edge of a cliff, about to take the plunge.

  But it didn’t. It felt good and safe. When his lips touched hers, she knew he would never hurt her.

  Maggie wanted, no she needed, to be closer to him. As their mouths worked in sync, she slid her hands up under his shirt and started to push it up. They broke apart for just an instant to get it over his head. Maggie shrugged out of her shirt and pulled Elijah closer. His skin was warm against hers.

  He pushed her up against the fridge and trailed kisses down her neck.

  “Maybe we should stop,” Elijah whispered into the crook of her neck, fighting to keep his self-control.

  “Elijah, I want you,” she said.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he said, looking down at her.

  “Elijah.”

  Maggie pulled on his hand and he followed her to her room without another word. She turned with the backs of her legs up against the bed.

  “You were right,” he said, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. “I do love you. I always have. I always will.”

  “Do you promise?” she asked, smiling against him as his lips touched hers.

  “I promise.”

  Elijah pulled Maggie closer as he woke up. Her body fit against his so perfectly - as it always had. They’d always had a physical relationship, but in a purely platonic way. When they were teenagers, and she’d all but moved into his house, she had often found her way into his bed. Hugging and cuddling were the norms for them. It was how they helped each other make sense of their worlds.

  But... this. This was different. Elijah smiled and rested his cheek against the top of her head. Her skin felt warm against his and he was reminded of the night before when he had kissed every inch of its softness.

  He rolled slightly so he could prop his head up on his arm and look down into her face. The angles of her face were softened in sleep. Her lines were smooth - well, all but her laugh lines. Maggie had profound laugh lines Elijah had always loved. It showed that, even through everything that happened to her, she found something to smile about. Maggie could be stubborn and hard sometimes, but Elijah knew her other side as well.

  The only time he’d seen her smile lately was when she was with Kimberly. Everything from her past was being dragged back into the open. She was handling it the best she could, but Elijah knew it was taking its toll. She tried to handle it on her own, never needing anyone. Maggie would never be one to talk about her feelings. That’s what made the night before so astounding.

  As Elijah watched her breathing evenly, a stab of guilt washed through him. How could he be so in love with her, yet keep secrets from her? He thought of Jason and the letter from Maggie’s father he’d asked him to read. He wasn�
��t so sure that was the right thing anymore. As soon as he could, he was going to ask Jason to just give her the letter, hoping he hadn’t read it yet. That would fix it.

  “You know, it’s creepy to stare.” Maggie opened her eyes and met his intense gaze.

  “How did you know I was staring?” he asked.

  “I could feel it. You were practically burning holes into my face.”

  “I would never do anything to this beautiful face.” Elijah cupped her cheek and brushed the pad of his thumb across it in circles.

  “You’re so cheesy.” She pushed his hand away and moved to sit up.

  “Don’t you dare.” Elijah pulled her down on top of him and circled his arms around her back.

  Maggie smiled at him shyly and then reached up and ran a hand through his messy bed hair. “I always loved your hair. Remember how I used to play with it all the time when we were younger?”

  “I used to get mad and tell you if you wanted to play with hair, you needed to find a girlfriend.”

  She laughed and Elijah felt it vibrate in his chest.

  “I didn’t want a girlfriend,” Maggie whispered. “I only wanted you.”

  “To be fair, you weren’t much of a girl back then.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Her elbows dug into his chest as she raised herself up to look down at him dangerously.

  “Only that you didn’t act like one,” Elijah laughed. “You were always dirty from playing sports with the boys and, let’s be honest, you’ve never been very lady-like.”

  Maggie rolled off him, but he rolled with her and trapped her underneath him with his arms. “But I’d never do this with one of the boys.” He kissed her. It was slow at first, and then more forceful as he pressed her harder into the bed.

  She scraped his bottom lip with her teeth and he groaned before releasing her mouth and raising himself over her.

  “I want to go back to the people we were when we were younger,” she said suddenly.

  “You mean the little girl who was terrified and lonely every day of her life?”

  “I wasn’t lonely,” she argued. “I had you.”