Real Vampires Don't Wear Size Six

by Bartlett, Gerry

  “Then give me a blood sample and I’ll try to figure out why my formulas give you problems. I promise to work on the food one first. Maybe I can get the kinks worked out and you can give it another shot.” Ian opened his bag again.

  “Not a good idea, Ian. I think Glory’s been through enough.” Ray eased me back on the bed. “You don’t even know if your stomach will go down yet, Glory. You really want to try this again?”

  “In the interest of science?” I glanced at Penny and she nodded. “I would like to know why I reacted weirdly and Penny didn’t. But I get freebies if you get answers, Ian, and you fix this so it’ll work on me without side effects.” I threw my arm out where Ian could reach it.

  “Of course. And this should be the first project Penny works on if she comes on board as my assistant. Would that make you feel better, Gloriana? Ray?”

  “It might. What do you say, Glory?”

  I watched Ian take blood from the vein in my arm and I was suddenly thirsty. “Huh? I say someone get me something to drink.” I looked at Ray with a smile. “Ray? Come here, honey. You’ve got some rich and delicious blood wrapped in a pretty package.”

  “Uh, I think I’ve got places to go, people to meet.” Penny backed out of the room.

  “Me as well.” Ian closed his bag with a snap. “I’ll let you know the results, Gloriana. And Penny will let me know tomorrow if your stomach benefited from a day’s sleep.”

  I glanced down at my swollen stomach. “Oh, yeah. Full report. Thanks for the shot. Definitely feeling no pain. Bye.” I reached for Ray and dragged him to me.

  “You know you’re not going to do this.” Ray laughed as I fell on top of him. We both heard the hall door close and I realized we were alone. My fuzzy thinking might be from the drug Ian had injected in me, but there was nothing fuzzy about my raging thirst.

  “Why not?” I slid my fangs along the front of his shirt, popping buttons as I went. I was headed to his jugular. I ran my hands over his smooth chest, not so drunk I didn’t appreciate the view. “You really don’t mind, do you?”

  “Not at all. Go ahead. Have at it. You’ve been generous enough with me. But I’ve got to warn you, my self-control is slipping. You are much too tempting in your silk panties and bare legs. And then I saw Ian push up your sweater to listen to your heart. Leopard-print bra. Don’t you know what that does to a man, Glory?”

  “Good eye, Caine.” I grinned and lifted my sweater. “Wasn’t baiting a trap. Last one clean. I really need to do laundry.”

  Ray groaned, rolled me off him and eased out of bed. “No, not happening. I’m getting you a bottle of synthetic and then I’m calling Blade.”

  “What?” I managed to sit up on my own.

  “You’re high. That shot of Ian’s did this to you and I seem to have found some sort of moral high ground since I got sober. It’s a bitch, but there it is.”

  “Well, that’s a hell of a note.” I pulled down my sweater and covered my panties with the sheet.

  “You said Blade was your boyfriend. He should be here taking care of you. So I’ll call him.” Ray picked up my cell from the nightstand. “Yep, he’s your number one. Enough said.”

  “You’re being awfully noble, Ray. Can’t say it suits you. Where’s the bad boy when I need him?” I tried for a pout, but didn’t have the energy for it. Muscle relaxant. Sitting was too much and I fell back again.

  “Well, maybe I’ll kick myself all the way home. But I know you, Glory girl, and you sure don’t want to wake up tomorrow night smelling of sex with me and not remember it.” Ray’s smile was wry, like maybe he was already wondering if he’d made the wrong call.

  “No! That would be the worst. If, when, we ever . . . Well, I’d want to remember every second.” I couldn’t look away from his gleaming blue eyes.

  “You just made my point. And I’m here to tell you that you’ll conk out soon and probably not remember much of what you did or said after Ian gave you that shot.” Ray hit speed dial on my phone. “Now lie back and close your eyes. Dream of me, if you want. But that’s all you’re getting.”

  I didn’t dream. Didn’t wake up at all till the next night. My stomach was still swollen, damn it. Not as big as it had been right after my binge, but definitely showing the effects. Penny couldn’t wait to fill Ian in. I was wishing for a vamp Yellow Pages so I could find that malpractice lawyer. At least my tummy stayed quiet.

  Jerry had slept the day away beside me but I let him know I needed to work and that I felt well enough to keep my appointment with Simon. Of course he’d wanted to be in on it. I knew Simon would take one whiff of a second vampire and never even knock on my back door. Jerry had to see that logic and gave in, reluctantly. So I headed down to the shop alone.

  “Glory, did you forget that today is payday? Lacy said to tell you she’d call and see if her check might be ready later tonight.” Erin greeted me at the door. “I know you’ve been busy, with your new roommate and all, but, uh, I have to eat and pay rent, you know.”

  I held up my hand. “I’ll get right on it, Erin. So I’ll be in the back room, taking care of it.” I headed straight there. I’d spoiled my clerks. Doing my bookkeeping on my day off, Monday, so that their weekly checks were waiting for them on Tuesday. Now I had to sit with time cards and payroll. Some fun. Somehow business hadn’t entered my mind after the hell-storm of the weekend.

  I pulled out my records and sat with my laptop on the worktable, ready to knock this out. I only had five employees, two full-timers and three students who worked part-time. They were on the honor system and left their time cards in the back room for me. Lacy managed the day, Erin the night crew. I hired paranormals exclusively. It was the way we helped each other. I’d just signed the last check when I felt a presence on one of my shoulders.

  “Finally. We didn’t want to interrupt you.” Emmie Lou sighed in my ear. “Figured it was good for you to get your work done.”

  “Thanks. Let me run these out to Erin and then we can talk.” I stood as soon as Emmie flew up to join Harvey on his perch at the top of the shelving unit. I slipped the checks into envelopes, wrote the names on the fronts and then sealed them. I took them out to a busy Erin, then actually took the time to glance around the shop.

  It looked pretty good. Stock was straight, though it was still on the skimpy side. There were several customers with clothing on their arms, obviously getting ready to try them on. And the vintage books were getting some interest from a pair of professor types. Best of all, no sign of Caryon or Spyte. That cheered me.

  Because I still had these waves of depression, I’d guess you’d call it. One would hit every time I remembered how Lucifer had attacked me when I was naked and vulnerable. Damn him. Ha. Like that weak word was anything but a compliment to the creep.

  Then to top things off, I’d had that stupid reaction to Ian’s potion. You can bet Jerry had been upset about that. Of course that had gotten me a lecture. Not a long one. Jerry figured out pretty fast that I was in no mood to hear how wrongheaded I’d been to try anything a MacDonald gave me. And he’d clearly still been reeling from the Lucifer invasion himself, treating me like I was made of glass. I took a breath, then finally walked back into the workroom.

  “What’s up, guys? Any demon sightings?” I tried to sound flip, but felt anything but.

  “They’d better not come in here.” Harvey flew down to land on the table in front of me. “I tell you, little gal, their boss has gone too far.”

  “Yep, Harvey’s right. Too far. And someone higher up is not goin’ to stand for it.” Emmie Lou settled beside her husband.

  I sat on the chair. “What could anyone higher up do about it besides send you two here? Lucifer is the head honcho in hell and he does what he damn well pleases.” I shuddered. “I had a demo of that.” And the idea that these two gentle souls somehow knew? I blinked back tears.

  “Now, now. Don’t go fretting about anything we know or don’t know. I’m just telling you that we got word this evenin
g that the Master is keeping a special eye on you. He knows you’re good through and through and he doesn’t like seeing decent people pushed around.” Harvey popped his suspenders, his face red. “Trust me, there ain’t no bullies sitting at the banquet table up where we’ve been.”

  “You’ve got that right, honey bun.” Emmie patted Harvey’s knee. “Those black-hearted good-for-nothings need to stay down below where they belong.” She gave me a sad smile. “So we’re gonna try to even things up a bit. Got some special stuff to help you. As long as you’re in this back room.”

  “What kind of special stuff?” I leaned forward. Help. It was almost too good to be true. Sure I had my three guys who would literally face hell for me, but I was afraid it was all good intentions. They’d be turned into stone warriors at the first sign of trouble and I’d be at Lucifer’s mercy again. And there are only so many times you can pull the shower gel trick.

  “First, you’ll love this. I got it from Get Smart. I watched the original show on TV, might even have been in black-and-white. I can’t remember. You’re old enough, Glory, you might have watched it then too, but youngsters just know that new movie.” Harvey winced and glared at Emmie. “You pinched me!”

  “Quit carrying on and get to the point.” Emmie smiled at me. “He has endless cable up in Heaven, every channel they put on. His own remote and a top-of-the-line La-Z-Boy. It’s a wonder he stirred himself to come help you.”

  “Now who’s off the point?” Harvey poked Emmie with an elbow. “I’ll always stir myself for our Glory. Now, as I was saying, that show had what they called a ‘Cone of Silence’ and that’s what the Big Guy upstairs has given us here.” He chuckled. “I just love technology.”

  “Huh. To you technology is the icemaker in the door of the Frigidaire.” Emmie huffed.

  “Anyway . . .” Harvey ignored his wife who was muttering. “When you’re in here, Glory, those demons and suchlike can’t hear you. You can make your plans, figure out your moves, and they won’t be able to hear a thing. This back room is your Cone of Silence.”

  “Seriously?” I jumped up. “That’s amazing! And just what I need for later tonight.”

  “And if them demons try to get in here?” Emmie pulled a bottle out of her apron pocket. Tonight she wore a blue print shirtwaist, circa 1950, with a frilly white eyelet apron. “We’ve got this.”

  “What is it?” I saw a clear liquid sloshing in the bottle.

  “It’s water from a lake up there.” Emmie grinned. “It’s beyond holy. It’s sacred. Burns like acid on a demon’s skin. Even Lucifer would squawk like a scorched chicken if this hit him.”

  “Hot diggity dog. I hope those bad boys do make a run at us.” Harvey popped his suspenders again. “I’d like to make’em squeal. Chase ’em straight back to hell, I will.”

  “I can’t believe this.” I really wanted to hug them, but they were just too tiny. “You mean someone up there thinks I deserve all this?” I sank down on the chair again. “Sometimes I’m really not so sure.”

  “Now, now, don’t you be downing yourself, little gal.” Harvey fluttered over to sit on my shoulder. Emmie landed on my other one. “You take our word for it. You’ve been around an awful long time and your good deeds have piled up pretty durn high.”

  “That’s right, Glory. You surely do deserve our help. Now suck it up and fight off these critters. Win the night!” Emmie flew back to the table. Harvey joined her.

  “Are you allowed to tell me any more about Heaven? Is it all cable TV and easy chairs?” I could tell by looking at them how happy they were. They glowed with it.

  “La, no! I sure don’t sit around all the livelong day watching no box.” Emmie laughed. “Honey, Heaven is what you want it to be.” Her eyes glittered. “Up there I’ve got the children I never could have, the grandbabies I always wanted. It’s, it’s wonderful. Glorious.”

  “Yep. And my old dog, Traveler, is there at my feet when I feel like watching sports. Or we go out to a real game. Sometimes I play quarterback like I always wanted to, in the NFL.” Harvey laughed. “Lot tougher than it looks on TV.”

  “You two are together. Obviously. What if, what if you love more than one person in your life?” I twisted my fingers in my lap.

  “Like three, honey?” Emmie smiled. “I’m here to tell you, it’s common as all get-out in Heaven. Think of all the widows who lost number one. Some in a war, some with heart trouble or whatever. Then they fell in love again, maybe even a third time if they outlasted number two.” She sighed and looked at Harvey. “My guy never moved on, but he could have. I wouldn’t have minded.”

  “Just never got struck by Cupid’s arrow again, honey bunch, and that’s a fact. Though the Widow March gave me a run for my money.” Harvey winked at me.

  “Oh, you!” Emmie patted his knee. “Anyway, these women who loved more than one man just spend time with each of them as they feel the urge. There’s no jealousy there. The men don’t bump into each other and they stay busy doing whatever they dreamed of on earth. Maybe lying back in front of a TV like Harvey, though the golf course gets a lot of play.”

  “Yeah, never did cotton to that game.” Harvey leaned against Emmie. “Glad I don’t have to share you, though, hon.”

  “As far as you know.” This time Emmie winked at me. “Anyway, the ladies see who they want as long as they want, then move on. As I said, Heaven is how you want it to be.” She grabbed Harvey’s hand and squeezed it. “Calm down. You know you’re my one and only.” She kissed his flushed cheek.

  “Sounds perfect.” I sighed.

  “There you go.” Harvey cleared his throat. “But no need for you to rush to get there. You got a good many years left on this earth. I got that on good authority.” He flew close and brushed my cheek with his wings. It felt like a gentle tickle.

  “Hush, now, Harvey. We got rules, you know.” Emmie sounded hoarse, like maybe she was choking back tears.

  “Can I ask you one more question?” I was pretty choked up myself.

  “Not sure we can answer it, but shoot.” Emmie smiled as Harvey kept flying in circles. “Ignore him, he just loves those wings.”

  “Why did you come back so tiny?” I reached out my hand and Emmie flew into it. I knew if I closed my fist, I’d crush her. Of course I couldn’t imagine doing such a thing.

  “Simple, Glory. Just provin’ a point. Size don’t really matter in the long run. It’s how you live and what’s inside that counts.” Emmie took off then, fluttering past my cheek like Harvey had.

  “Just keep fightin’, Glory, and let your good heart guide you.” Harvey flew a circle around the room. “Rules. Bet those demons don’t abide by no rules.”

  “Bet they do. Now let’s go patrol the shop. Head out, Harvey.” Emmie buzzed close to my ear. “Our money’s on you, Glory. Have faith.” Then they both disappeared through the closed door.

  I sagged back in my chair. Heaven or hell? No contest. And I sure wanted to meet everyone I knew and loved there someday. So the challenge ahead meant everything to me. This Cone of Silence thing was fantastic and I was putting it to work immediately as I heard a knock on the back door and recognized the reek of Simon Destiny.

  I hurried to open it and let him in. Simon stood there for a moment and sniffed the air, then just stared at me. Simon pulled out a handkerchief. It went with the black suit he wore, old-fashioned but clearly custom-tailored and very expensive. Savile Row, if I knew my menswear, and I did. His white shirt had the same look and his tie was a school tie, the kind English gentlemen wore to proclaim their status. That was a laugh. As if Simon had any status outside his ghoulish boys’ club of vampires.

  “You’re alone.” He seemed surprised.

  “So are you.” I wasn’t surprised. Simon wouldn’t doubt he could take me in a fight. I was no match for an Energy Vampire, never had been. “Come in.”

  He stepped inside and nodded when I gestured that he could take the chair. He sat, then waited for me to plop down on the table. I re
ally needed to haul in another chair.

  “You mentioned a way for me to get to know my son. He gave me an ultimatum. I assume he told you about it.” Simon didn’t smile and obviously wasn’t going to waste time with small talk.

  “Yes. Freddy would like to get to know you. Apparently it’s a son-father thing. But can’t get past the whole EV hoopla. Guess you know what I’m talking about.” I sighed. I couldn’t do this sitting on a table swinging my legs. I jumped down and began to pace. “You serve one of hell’s goddesses. She scares Fred. Scares anyone with good sense. And of course you use that fear to your advantage, Simon.”

  “Of course.” He nodded, looking thoughtful. “I’ve had centuries to think about this. But I am tied to Honoria. You don’t just tender a resignation. She expects a lifetime of service.”

  “Is there any way to, um, destroy her?” I held my breath. This was the big gamble. If Simon didn’t trust me to do this and not take him out too, it was all over. “I’m asking you because I’ve got an alternative for you. Lucifer has sent a couple of demons here to bug me. They’ve threatened Rafe Valdez and the only way I can get them off his back is to deliver a major soul or dozen to Luc’s team.”

  “Hell’s politics. I get an earful of that every time I visit my goddess.” Simon made a face. “So?”

  “So if you will agree to transfer your allegiance to Luc’s team and take your followers with you, Rafe will be off the hook.”

  “You know I don’t give a damn about your dog.” Simon examined his nails.

  “But you do about your son. I’m just showing you why I have an interest in helping you get rid of your goddess. Tell me how to take her out and I’ll do it. Rafe and Blade are in it with me. We will blow her to bits or whatever it takes to free you if you will sign on with Lucifer. You know you’re hell-bound anyway, and Freddy won’t mind getting involved with you once Honoria is out of the picture. It’s the EV thing he objects to.”

  “How do you know that?” Simon looked up, his eyes gleaming. I knew he was reading my mind and he saw that I was uncertain.