John Dryden - Delphi Poets Series

by John Dryden

  Limb. If this maggot bite a little deeper, we shall have you a citizen of Bethlem yet, ere dog-days. Well, I say little; but I will tell Pug on it.

  [Exit.

  Brain. She knows it already, by your favour — [Knocking.

  Sound a retreat, you lusty lovers, or the enemy will charge you in the flank, with a fresh reserve: March off, march off upon the spur, ere he can reach you.

  Enter Woodall.

  Wood. How now, baron Tell-clock, is the passage clear?

  Brain. Clear as a level, without hills or woods, and void of ambuscade.

  Wood. But Limberham will return immediately, when he finds not his mistress where he thought he left her.

  Brain. Friendship, which has done much, will yet do more. [Shows a key.] With this passe par tout, I will instantly conduct her to my own chamber, that she may out-face the keeper, she has been there; and, when my wife returns, who is my slave, I will lay my conjugal commands upon her, to affirm, they have been all this time together.

  Wood. I shall never make you amends for this kindness, my dear Padron. But would it not be better, if you would take the pains to run after Limberham, and stop him in his way ere he reach the place where he thinks he left his mistress; then hold him in discourse as long as possibly you can, till you guess your wife may be returned, that so they may appear together?

  Brain. I warrant you: laissez faire a Marc Antoine.[Exit.

  Wood. Now, madam, you may venture out in safety.

  Mrs Brain. [Entering.] Pray heaven I may. [Noise.

  Wood. Hark! I hear Judith’s voice: it happens well that she’s returned: slip into your chamber immediately, and send back the gown.

  Mrs Brain. I will: — but are not you a wicked man, to put me into all this danger? [Exit.

  Wood. Let what can happen, my comfort is, at least, I have enjoyed. But this is no place for consideration. Be jogging, good Mr Woodall, out of this family, while you are well; and go plant in some other country, where your virtues are not so famous.

  [Going.

  Enter Tricksy, with a box of writings.

  Trick. What, wandering up and down, as if you wanted an owner? Do you know that I am lady of the manor; and that all wefts and strays belong to me?

  Wood. I have waited for you above an hour; but friar Bacon’s head has been lately speaking to me, — that time is past. In a word, your keeper has been here, and will return immediately; we must defer our happiness till some more favourable time.

  Trick. I fear him not; he has this morning armed me against himself, by this settlement; the next time he rebels, he gives me a fair occasion of leaving him for ever.

  Wood. But is this conscience in you? not to let him have his bargain, when he has paid so dear for it?

  Trick. You do not know him: he must perpetually be used ill, or he insults. Besides, I have gained an absolute dominion over him: he must not see, when I bid him wink. If you argue after this, either you love me not, or dare not.

  Wood. Go in, madam: I was never dared before. 099 I’ll but scout a little, and follow you immediately. [Trick. goes in.] I find a mistress is only kept for other men: and the keeper is but her man in a green livery, bound to serve a warrant for the doe, whenever she pleases, or is in season.

  Enter Judith, with the Night-gown.

  Jud. Still you’re a lucky man! Mr Brainsick has been exceeding honourable: he ran, as if a legion of bailiffs had been at his heels, and overtook Limberham in the street. Here, take the gown; lay it where you found it, and the danger’s over.

  Wood. Speak softly; Mrs Tricksy is returned. [Looks in.] Oh, she’s gone into her closet, to lay up her writings: I can throw it on the bed, ere she perceive it has been wanting.

  [Throws it in.

  Jud. Every woman would not have done this for you, which I have done.

  Wood. I am sensible of it, little Judith; there’s a time to come shall pay for all. I hear her returning: not a word; away.

  [Exit Judith.

  Re-enter Tricksy.

  Trick. What, is a second summons needful? my favours have not been so cheap, that they should stick upon my hands. It seems, you slight your bill of fare, because you know it; or fear to be invited to your loss.

  Wood. I was willing to secure my happiness from interruption. A true soldier never falls upon the plunder, while the enemy is in the field.

  Trick. He has been so often baffled, that he grows contemptible. Were he here, should he see you enter into my closet; yet —

  Wood. You are like to be put upon the trial, for I hear his voice.

  Trick. ’Tis so: go in, and mark the event now: 100 be but as unconcerned, as you are safe, and trust him to my management.

  Wood. I must venture it; because to be seen here would have the same effect, as to be taken within. Yet I doubt you are too confident.

  [He goes in.

  Enter Limberham and Brainsick.

  Limb. How now, Pug? returned so soon!

  Trick. When I saw you came not for me, I was loth to be long without you.

  Limb. But which way came you, that I saw you not?

  Trick. The back way; by the garden door.

  Limb. How long have you been here?

  Trick. Just come before you.

  Limb. O, then all’s well. For, to tell you true, Pug, I had a kind of villainous apprehension that you had been here longer: but whatever thou sayest is an oracle, sweet Pug, and I am satisfied.

  Brain. [Aside.] How infinitely she gulls him! and he so stupid not to find it! [To her.] If he be still within, madam, (you know my meaning?) here’s Bilbo ready to forbid your keeper entrance.

  Trick. [Aside.] Woodall must have told him of our appointment. — What think you of walking down, Mr Limberham?

  Limb. I’ll but visit the chamber a little first.

  Trick. What new maggot’s this? you dare not, sure, be jealous!

  Limb. No, I protest, sweet Pug, I am not: only to satisfy my curiosity; that’s but reasonable, you know.

  Trick. Come, what foolish curiosity?

  Limb. You must know, Pug, I was going but just now, in obedience to your commands, to enquire of the health and safety of your jewels, and my brother Brainsick most barbarously forbade me entrance: — nay, 101 I dare accuse you, when Pug’s by to back me; — but now I am resolved I will go see them, or somebody shall smoke for it.

  Brain. But I resolve you shall not. If she pleases to command my person, I can comply with the obligation of a cavalier.

  Trick. But what reason had you to forbid him, then, sir?

  Limb. Ay, what reason had you to forbid me, then, sir?

  Brain. ’Twas only my caprichio, madam. — Now must I seem ignorant of what she knows full well.

  [Aside.

  Trick. We’ll enquire the cause at better leisure; come down, Mr Limberham.

  Limb. Nay, if it were only his caprichio, I am satisfied; though I must tell you, I was in a kind of huff, to hear him Tan ta ra, tan ta ra, a quarter of an hour together; for Tan ta ra is but an odd kind of sound, you know, before a man’s chamber.

  Enter Pleasance.

  Pleas. [Aside.] Judith has assured me, he must be there; and, I am resolved, I’ll satisfy my revenge at any rate upon my rivals.

  Trick. Mrs Pleasance is come to call us: pray let us go.

  Pleas. Oh dear, Mr Limberham, I have had the dreadfullest dream to-night, and am come to tell it you: I dreamed you left your mistress’s jewels in your chamber, and the door open.

  Limb. In good time be it spoken; and so I did, Mrs Pleasance.

  Pleas. And that a great swinging thief came in, and whipt them out.

  Limb. Marry, heaven forbid!

  Trick. This is ridiculous: I’ll speak to your mother, 102 madam, not to suffer you to eat such heavy suppers.

  Limb. Nay, that’s very true; for, you may remember she fed very much upon larks and pigeons; and they are very heavy meat, as Pug says.

  Trick. The jewels are all safe; I looked on them.

&n
bsp; Brain. Will you never stand corrected, Mrs Pleasance?

  Pleas. Not by you; correct your matrimony. — And methought, of a sudden this thief was turned to Mr Woodall; and that, hearing Mr Limberham come, he slipt for fear into the closet.

  Trick. I looked all over it; I’m sure he is not there. — Come away, dear.

  Brain. What, I think you are in a dream too, brother Limberham.

  Limb. If her dream should come out now! ’tis good to be sure, however.

  Trick. You are sure; have not I said it? — You had best make Mr Woodall a thief, madam.

  Pleas. I make him nothing, madam: but the thief in my dream was like Mr Woodall; and that thief may have made Mr Limberham something.

  Limb. Nay, Mr Woodall is no thief, that’s certain; but if a thief should be turned to Mr Woodall, that may be something.

  Trick. Then I’ll fetch out the jewels: will that satisfy you?

  Brain. That shall satisfy him.

  Limb. Yes, that shall satisfy me.

  Pleas. Then you are a predestinated fool, and somewhat worse, that shall be nameless. Do you not see how grossly she abuses you? my life on’t, there’s somebody within, and she knows it; otherwise she would suffer you to bring out the jewels.

  Limb. Nay, I am no predestinated fool; and therefore, Pug, give way.

  Trick. I will not satisfy your humour.

  Limb. Then I will satisfy it myself: for my generous blood is up, and I’ll force my entrance.

  Brain. Here’s Bilbo, then, shall bar you; atoms are not so small, as I will slice the slave. Ha! fate and furies!

  Limb. Ay, for all your fate and furies, I charge you, in his majesty’s name, to keep the peace: now, disobey authority, if you dare.

  Trick. Fear him not, sweet Mr Brainsick.

  Pleas. to Brain. But, if you should hinder him, he may trouble you at law, sir, and say you robbed him of his jewels.

  Limb. That is well thought on. I will accuse him heinously; there — and therefore fear and tremble.

  Brain. My allegiance charms me: I acquiesce. The occasion is plausible to let him pass. — Now let the burnished beams upon his brow blaze broad, for the brand he cast upon the Brainsick.

  [Aside.

  Trick. Dear Mr Limberham, come back, and hear me.

  Limb. Yes, I will hear thee, Pug.

  Pleas. Go on; my life for yours, he is there.

  Limb. I am deaf as an adder; I will not hear thee, nor have no commiseration.

  [Struggles from her, and rushes in.

  Trick. Then I know the worst, and care not. [Limberham comes running out with the Jewels, followed by Woodall, with his Sword drawn.

  Limb. O save me, Pug, save me! [Gets behind her.

  Wood. A slave, to come and interrupt me at my devotions! but I will —

  Limb. Hold, hold, since you are so devout; for heaven’s sake, hold!

  Brain. Nay, monsieur Woodall!

  Trick. For my sake, spare him.

  Limb. Yes, for Pug’s sake, spare me.

  Wood. I did his chamber the honour, when my own was not open, to retire thither; and he to disturb me, like a profane rascal as he was.

  Limb. [Aside.] I believe he had the devil for his chaplain, an’ a man durst tell him so.

  Wood. What is that you mutter?

  Limb. Nay, nothing; but that I thought you had not been so well given. I was only afraid of Pug’s jewels.

  Wood. What, does he take me for a thief? nay then —

  Limb. O mercy, mercy!

  Pleas. Hold, sir; it was a foolish dream of mine that set him on. I dreamt, a thief, who had been just reprieved for a former robbery, was venturing his neck a minute after in Mr Limberham’s closet.

  Wood. Are you thereabouts, i’faith! A pox of Artemidorus.

  Trick. I have had a dream, too, concerning Mrs Brainsick, and perhaps —

  Wood. Mrs Tricksy, a word in private with you, by your keeper’s leave.

  Limb. Yes, sir, you may speak your pleasure to her; and, if you have a mind to go to prayers together, the closet is open.

  Wood. [To Trick.] You but suspect it at most, and cannot prove it: if you value me, you will not engage me in a quarrel with her husband.

  Trick. Well, in hope you will love me, I will obey.

  Brain. Now, damsel Tricksy, your dream, your dream!

  Trick. It was something of a flagelet, that a shepherd played upon so sweetly, that three women followed him for his music, and still one of them snatched it from the other.

  Pleas. [Aside.] I understand her; but I find she is bribed to secrecy.

  Limb. That flagelet was, by interpretation, — but let that pass; and Mr Woodall, there, was the shepherd, that played the tan ta ra upon it: but a generous heart, like mine, will endure the infamy no longer; therefore, Pug, I banish thee for ever.

  Trick. Then farewell.

  Limb. Is that all you make of me?

  Trick. I hate to be tormented with your jealous humours, and am glad to be rid of them.

  Limb. Bear witness, good people, of her ingratitude! Nothing vexes me, but that she calls me jealous; when I found him as close as a butterfly in her closet.

  Trick. No matter for that; I knew not he was there.

  Limb. Would I could believe thee!

  Wood. You have both our words for it.

  Trick. Why should you persuade him against his will?

  Limb. Since you won’t persuade me, I care not much; here are the jewels in my possession, and I’ll fetch out the settlement immediately.

  Wood. [Shewing the Box.] Look you, sir, I’ll spare your pains; four hundred a-year will serve to comfort a poor cast mistress.

  Limb. I thought what would come of your devil’s pater nosters!

  Brain. Restore it to him for pity, Woodall.

  Trick. I make him my trustee; he shall not restore it.

  Limb. Here are jewels, that cost me above two thousand pounds; a queen might wear them. Behold this orient necklace, Pug! ’tis pity any neck should touch it, after thine, that pretty neck! but oh, ’tis the falsest neck that e’er was hanged in pearl.

  Wood. ‘Twould become your bounty to give it her at parting.

  Limb. Never the sooner for your asking. But oh, that word parting! can I bear it? if she could find in her heart but so much grace, as to acknowledge what a traitress she has been, I think, in my conscience I could forgive her.

  Trick. I’ll not wrong my innocence so much, nor this gentleman’s; but, since you have accused us falsely, four hundred a-year betwixt us two will make us some part of reparation.

  Wood. I answer you not, but with my leg, madam.

  Pleas. [Aside.] This mads me; but I cannot help it.

  Limb. What, wilt thou kill me, Pug, with thy unkindness, when thou knowest I cannot live without thee? It goes to my heart, that this wicked fellow —

  Wood. How’s that, sir?

  Limb. Under the rose, good Mr Woodall; but, I speak it with all submission, in the bitterness of my spirit, that you, or any man, should have the disposing of my four hundred a-year gratis; therefore dear Pug, a word in private, with your permission, good Mr Woodall.

  Trick. Alas, I know, by experience, I may safely trust my person with you. [Exeunt Limb. and Trick.

  Enter Aldo.

  Pleas. O, father Aldo, we have wanted you! Here has been made the rarest discovery!

  Brain. With the most comical catastrophe!

  Wood. Happily arrived, i’faith, my old sub-fornicator; I have been taken up on suspicion here with Mrs Tricksy.

  Aldo. To be taken, to be seen! Before George, that’s a point next the worst, son Woodall.

  Wood. Truth is, I wanted thy assistance, old Methusalem; but, my comfort is, I fell greatly.

  Aldo. Well, young Phæton, that’s somewhat yet, if you made a blaze at your departure.

  Enter Giles, Mrs Brainsick, and Judith.

  Giles. By your leave, gentlemen, I have followed an old master of mine these two long hours, and had a fair course at h
im up the street; here he entered, I’m sure.

  Aldo. Whoop holyday! our trusty and well-beloved Giles, most welcome! Now for some news of my ungracious son.

  Wood. [Aside.] Giles here! O rogue, rogue! Now, would I were safe stowed over head and ears in the chest again.

  Aldo. Look you now, son Woodall, I told you I was not mistaken; my rascal’s in town, with a vengeance to him.

  Giles. Why, this is he, sir; I thought you had known him.

  Aldo. Known whom?

  Giles. Your son here, my young master.

  Aldo. Do I dote? or art thou drunk, Giles?

  Giles. Nay, I am sober enough, I’m sure; I have been kept fasting almost these two days.

  Aldo. Before George, ’tis so! I read it in that leering look: What a Tartar have I caught!

  Brain. Woodall his son!

  Pleas. What, young father Aldo!

  Aldo. [Aside.] Now cannot I for shame hold up my head, to think what this young rogue is privy to!

  Mrs Brain. The most dumb interview I ever saw!

  Brain. What, have you beheld the Gorgon’s head on either side?

  Aldo. Oh, my sins! my sins! and he keeps my book of conscience too! He can display them, with a witness! Oh, treacherous young devil!

  Wood. [Aside.] Well, the squib’s run to the end of the line, and now for the cracker: I must bear up.

  Aldo. I must set a face of authority on the matter, for my credit. — Pray, who am I? do you know me, sir?

  Wood. Yes, I think I should partly know you, sir: You may remember some private passages betwixt us.

  Aldo. [Aside.] I thought as much; he has me already! — But pray, sir, why this ceremony amongst friends? Put on, put on; and let us hear what news from France. Have you heard lately from my son? does he continue still the most hopeful and esteemed young gentleman in Paris? does he manage his allowance with the same discretion? and, lastly, has he still the same respect and duty for his good old father?

  Wood. Faith, sir, I have been too long from my catechism, to answer so many questions; but, suppose there be no news of your quondam son, you may comfort up your heart for such a loss; father 109 Aldo has a numerous progeny about the town, heaven bless them.

  Aldo. It is very well, sir; I find you have been searching for your relations, then, in Whetstone’s Park!

  Wood. No, sir; I made some scruple of going to the foresaid place, for fear of meeting my own father there.