John Dryden - Delphi Poets Series

by John Dryden

  Amph. A man had need of patience, to endure this gibberish! be brief, and come to a conclusion.

  Sos. What would you have, sir? I came hither, but the t ‘other I was before me; for that there was two Ts, is as certain, as that I have two eyes in this head of mine. This I, that am here, was weary: the t ‘other I was fresh; this I was peaceable, and t,’other I was a hectoring bully I.

  Amph. And thou expect’st I should believe thee?

  Sos. No; I am not so unreasonable; for I could never have believed it myself, if I had not been well beaten into it: but a cudgel, you know, is a convincing argument in a brawny fist. What shall I say, but that I was compelled, at last, to acknowledge myself! I found that he was very I, without fraud, cozen, or deceit. Besides, I viewed myself, as in a mirror, from head to foot; he was handsome, of a noble presence, a charming air, loose and free in all his motions; and saw he was so much I, that I should have reason to be better satisfied with my own person, if his hands had not been a little of the heaviest.

  Amph. Once again, to a conclusion: say you passed by him, and entered into the house.

  Sos. I am a friend to truth, and say no such thing; he defended the door, and I could not enter.

  Amph. How, not enter?

  Sos. Why, how should I enter? unless I were a spirit, to glide by him, and shoot myself through locks, and bolts, and two-inch boards.

  Amph. O coward! Didst thou not attempt to pass?

  Sos. Yes, and was repulsed and beaten for my pains.

  Amph. Who beat thee?

  Sos. I beat me.

  Amph. Didst thou beat thyself?

  Sos. I don’t mean I, here; but the absent Me beat me here present.

  Amph. There’s no end of this intricate piece of nonsense.

  Sos. ’Tis only nonsense, because I speak it, who am a poor fellow; but it would be sense, and substantial sense, if a great man said it, that was backed with a title, and the eloquence of ten thousand pounds a year.

  Amph. No more; but let us enter: — Hold! my Alcmena is coming out, and has prevented me: how strangely will she be surprised to see me here so unexpectedly!

  Enter ALCMENA and PHÆDRA.

  Alc. [To Phæd.] Make haste after me to the temple, that we may thank the gods for this glorious success, which Amphitryon has had against the rebels. — O heaven! [Seeing him.

  Amph. Those heavens, and all the blessed inhabitants, — [Saluting her.

  Grant, that the sweet rewarder of my pains

  May still be kind, as on our nuptial night!

  Alc. So soon returned!

  Amph. So soon returned! Is this my welcome home? — [Stepping back.

  So soon returned, says I am come unwished.

  This is no language of desiring love:

  Love reckons hours for months, and days for years:

  And every little absence is an age.

  Alc. What says my lord?

  Amph. No, my Alcmena, no:

  True love by its impatience measures time,

  And the dear object never comes too soon.

  Alc. Nor ever came you so, nor ever shall;

  But you yourself are changed from what you were,

  Palled in desires, and surfeited of bliss.

  Not so I met you at your last return;

  When yesternight I flew into your arms,

  And melted in your warm embrace.

  Amph. How’s this?

  Alc. Did not my soul even sparkle at my eyes,

  And shoot itself into your much-loved bosom?

  Did I not tremble with excess of joy?

  Nay, agonise with pleasure at your sight,

  With such inimitable proofs of passion,

  As no false love could feign?

  Amph. What’s this you tell me?

  Alc. Far short of truth, by heaven!

  And you returned those proofs with usury;

  And left me with a sigh, at break of day.

  Have you forgot?

  Amph. Or have you dreamt, Alcmena?

  Perhaps some kind, revealing deity

  Has whispered, in your sleep, the pleasing news

  Of my return, and you believed it real;

  Perhaps, too, in your dream, you used me kindly;

  And my preventing image reaped the joys

  You meant, awake, to me.

  Alc. Some melancholy vapour, sure, has seized

  Your brain, Amphitryon, and disturbed your sense:

  Or yesternight is not so long a time,

  But yet you might remember; and not force

  An honest blush into my glowing cheeks,

  For that which lawful marriage makes no crime.

  Amph. I thank you for my melancholy vapour.

  Alc. ’Tis but a just requital for my dream.

  Phæd. I find my master took too much of the creature last night, [Aside.] and now is angling for a quarrel, that no more may be expected from him to-night, when he has no assets.

  [In the meantime, Amphitryon and Alcmena walk by themselves, and frown at each other as they meet.

  Amph. You dare not justify it to my face.

  Alc. Not what?

  Amph. That I returned before this hour.

  Alc. You dare not, sure, deny you came last night,

  And stayed till break of day?

  Amph. O impudence! — Why, Sosia!

  Sos. Nay, I say nothing; for all things here may go by enchantment, as they did with me, for aught I know.

  Alc. Speak, Phædra. — Was he here?

  Phæd. You know, madam, I am but a chambermaid; and, by my place, I am to forget all that was done over night in love-matters, — unless my master please to rub up my memory with another diamond.

  Amph. Now, in the name of all the gods, Alcmena,

  A little recollect your scattered thoughts,

  And weigh what you have said.

  Alc. I weighed it well, Amphitryon, ere I spoke:

  And she, and Bromia, all the slaves and servants,

  Can witness they beheld you, when you came.

  If other proof were wanting, tell me how

  I came to know your fight, your victory,

  The death of Pterelas in single combat?

  And further, from whose hands I had a jewel,

  The spoils of him you slew?

  Amph. This is amazing!

  Have I already given you those diamonds,

  The present I reserved?

  Alc. ’Tis an odd question:

  You see I wear them; look.

  Amph. Now answer, Sosia.

  Sos. Yes, now I can answer with a safe conscience, as to that point; all the rest may be art magic, but, as for the diamonds, here they are, under safe custody.

  Alc. Then what are these upon my arm?

  [To SOSIA.

  Sos. Flints, or pebbles, or some such trumpery of enchanted stones.

  Phœd. They say, the proof of a true diamond is to glitter in the dark: I think my master had best take my lady into some by-comer, and try whose diamond will sparkle best.

  Sos. Yet, now I think on’t, madam, did not a certain friend of mine present them to you?

  Alc. What friend?

  Sos. Why, another Sosia, one that made himself Sosia in my despite, and also unsosiated me.

  Amph. Sirrah, leave your nauseous nonsense; break open the seal, and take out the diamonds.

  Sos. More words than one to a bargain, sir.

  I thank you, — that’s no part of prudence for me to commit burglary upon seals: do you look first upon the signet, and tell me, in your conscience, whether the seals be not as firm as when you clapped the wax upon them.

  Amph. The signature is firm. [Looking.

  Sos. Then take the signature into your own custody, and open it; for I will have nothing done at my proper peril. — [Giving him the casket.

  Amph. O heavens! here’s nothing but an empty space, the nest where they were laid.

  [Breaking open the seal.

  Sos. Then, if the birds ar
e flown, the fault’s not mine. Here has been fine conjuring work; or else the jewel, knowing to whom it should be given, took occasion to steal out, by a natural instinct, and tied itself to that pretty arm.

  Amph. Can this be possible?

  Sos. Yes, very possible: You, my lord Amphitryon, may have brought forth another You my lord Amphitryon, as well as I, Sosia, have brought forth another Me, Sosia; and our diamonds may have procreated these diamonds, and so we are all three double.

  Phæd. If this be true, I hope my goblet has gigged another golden goblet; and then they may carry double upon all four. — [Aside.

  Alc. My lord, I have stood silent, out of wonder

  What you could wonder at.

  Amph. A chilling sweat, a damp of jealousy,

  Hangs on my brows, and clams upon my limbs,

  I fear, and yet I must be satisfied;

  And, to be satisfied, I must dissemble. [Aside.

  Alc. Why muse you so, and murmur to yourself?

  If you repent your bounty, take it back.

  Amph. Not so; but, if you please, relate what passed

  At our last interview.

  Alc. That question would infer you were not here.

  Amph. I say not so;

  I only would refresh my memory,

  And have my reasons to desire the story.

  Phæd. So, this is as good sport for me, as an examination of a great belly before a magistrate.

  Alc. The story is not long: you know I met you,

  Kissed you, and pressed you close within my arms,

  With all the tenderness of wifely love.

  Amph. I could have spared that kindness. —

  [Aside.

  And what did I?

  Alc. You strained me with a masculine embrace,

  As you would squeeze my soul out.

  Amph. Did I so?

  Alc. You did.

  Amph. Confound those arms that were so kind! — [Aside.

  Proceed, proceed —— [To her.

  Alc. You would not stay to sup; but much complaining of your drowsiness, and want of natural rest —

  Amph. Made haste to bed: Ha, was’t not so?

  Go on —

  [Aside.] And stab me with each syllable thou speak’st.

  Phæd. So, now ’tis coming, now ’tis coming.

  Alc. I have no more to say.

  Amph. Why, went we not to bed?

  Alc. Why not?

  Is it a crime for husband and for wife

  To go to bed, my lord?

  Amph. Perfidious woman!

  Alc. Ungrateful man!

  Amph. She justifies it, too!

  Alc. I need not justify: of what am I accused?

  Amph. Of all that prodigality of kindness

  Given to another, and usurped from me.

  So bless me, heaven, if, since my first departure,

  I ever set my foot upon this threshold!

  So am I innocent of all those joys,

  And dry of those embraces.

  Alc. Then I, it seems, am false!

  Amph. As surely false, as what thou say’st is true.

  Alc. I have betrayed my honour, and my love;

  And am a foul adulteress?

  Amph. What thou art,

  Thou stand’st condemned to be, by thy relation.

  Alc. Go, thou unworthy man! for ever go:

  No more my husband: go, thou base impostor!

  Who tak’st a vile pretence to taint my fame,

  And, not content to leave, wouldst ruin me.

  Enjoy thy wished divorce: I will not plead

  My innocence of this pretended crime;

  I need not. Spit thy venom; do thy worst;

  But know, the more thou wouldst expose my virtue,

  Like purest linen laid in open air,

  ‘Twill bleach the more, and whiten to the view.

  Amph. ’Tis well thou art prepared for thy divorce:

  For, know thou too, that, after this affront,

  This foul indignity done to my honour,

  Divorcement is but petty reparation.

  But, since thou hast, with impudence, affirmed

  My false return, and bribed my slaves to vouch it,

  The truth shall, in the face of Thebes, be cleared:

  Thy uncle, the companion of my voyage,

  And all the crew of seamen shall be brought,

  Who were embarked, and came with me to land,

  Nor parted, till I reached this cursed door:

  So shall this vision of my late return

  Stand a dejected lie; and woe to those

  Who thus betrayed my honour!

  Sos. Sir, shall I wait on you?

  Amph. No, I will go alone. Expect me here.

  [Exit AMPHITRYON.

  Phæd. Please you, that I [To Alcmena.

  Alc. Oh! nothing now can please me:

  Darkness, and solitude, and sighs, and tears,

  And all the inseparable train of grief,

  Attend my steps for ever. [Exit Alcmena.

  Sos. What if I should lie now, and say we have been here before? I never saw any good that came of telling truth. — [Aside.

  Phæd. He makes no more advances to me: I begin a little to suspect that my gold goblet will prove but copper. — [Aside.

  Sos. Yes, ’tis resolved, I will lie abominably, against the light of my own conscience. For, suppose the other Sosia had been there, perhaps that strong dog has not only beaten me, but also has been predominant upon my wife, and most carnally misused her! Now, by asking certain questions of her, with a side-wind, I may come to understand how squares go, and whether my nuptial bed be violated. — [Aside.

  Phæd. Most certainly he has learned impudence of his master, and will deny his being here; but that shall not serve his turn, to cheat me of my present. [Aside.] — Why, Sosia! What, in a brown study?

  Sos. A little cogitabund, or so, concerning this dismal revolution in our family.

  Phæd. But that should not make you neglect your duty to me, your mistress.

  Sos. Pretty soul! I would thou wert, upon condition that old Bromia were six foot under ground.

  Phæd. What! is all your hot courtship to me dwindled into a poor unprofitable wish? You may remember, I did not bid you absolutely despair.

  Sos. No, for all things yet may be accommodated, in an amicable manner, betwixt my master and my lady.

  Phæd. I mean, to the business betwixt you and me —

  Sos. Why, I hope we two never quarrelled?

  Phæd. Must I remember you of a certain promise, that you made me at our last parting?

  Sos. Oh, when I went to the army: that I should still be praising thy beauty to Judge

  Gripus, and keep up his affections to thee?

  Phæd. No, I mean the business betwixt you and me this morning — that you promised me —

  Sos. That I promised thee — I find it now.

  That strong dog, my brother Sosia, has been here before me, and made love to her. — [Aside.

  Phæd. You are considering, whether or no you should keep your promise —

  Sos. That I should keep my promise. — The truth on’t is, she’s another guess morsel than old

  Bromia. — [Aside.

  Phœd. And I had rather you should break it, in a manner, and as it were, and in some sense —

  Sos. In a manner, and as it were, and in some sense, thou say’st? — I find, the strong dog has only tickled up her imagination, and not enjoyed her; so that, with my own limbs, I may perform the sweetness of his function with her. [Aside.’]

  — No, sweet creature, the promise shall not be broken; but what I have undertaken, I will perform like a man of honour.

  Phœd. Then you remember the preliminaries of the present —

  Sos. Yes, yes, in gross I do remember something; but this disturbance of the family has somewhat stupefied my memory. Some pretty quelque chose, I warrant thee; some acceptable toy, of small value.

  Phœd. You may
call a gold goblet a toy; but

  I put a greater value upon your presents.

  Sos. A gold goblet, say’st thou! Yes, now I think on’t, it was a kind of gold goblet, as a gratuity after consummation.

  Phœd. No, no; I had rather make sure of one bribe beforehand, than be promised ten gratuities.

  Sos. Yes, now I remember, it was, in some sense, a gold goblet, by way of earnest; and it contained —

  Phœd. One large —

  Sos. How, one large —

  Phœd. Gallon.

  Sos. No; that was somewhat too large, in conscience: it was not a whole gallon; but it may contain, reasonably speaking, one large — thimbleful; but gallons and thimblefuls are so like, that, in speaking, I might easily mi stake them.

  Phœd. Is it come to this? — Out, traitor!

  Sos. I had been a traitor, indeed, to have betrayed thee to the swallowing of a gallon; but a thimbleful of cordial water is easily sipped off: and then, this same goblet is so very light, too, that it will be no burden to carry it about with thee in thy pocket.

  Phæd. O apostate to thy love! O perjured villain! —

  Enter BROMIA.

  What, are you here, Bromia? I was telling him his own: I was giving him a rattle for his treacheries to you, his love: you see I can be a friend upon occasion.

  Brom. Ay, chicken, I never doubted of thy kindness; but, for this fugitive — this rebel — this miscreant —

  Sos. A kind welcome, to an absent lover, as I have been. —

  Brom. Ay; and a kind greeting you gave me, at your return; when you used me so barbarously this morning.

  Sos. The t’other Sosia has been with her too; and has used her barbarously: barbarously, — that is to say, uncivilly: and uncivilly, — I am afraid that means too civilly. — [Aside.

  Phæd. You had best deny you were here this morning! And by the same token —

  Sos. Nay, no more tokens, for heaven’s sake, dear Phædra. — Now must I ponder with myself a little, whether it be better for me to have been here, or not to have been here, this morning.

  [Aside.

  Enter a SERVANT.

  Serv. Phædra, my lord’s without; and will not enter till he has first spoken with you. [Exit Serv.

  Phœd. [To him in private.] O that I could stay to help worry thee for this abuse; but the best on’t is, I leave thee in good hands. — Farewell, Thimble — To him, Bromia.

  [Exit PHÆDRA.

  Brom. No; you did not beat me, and put me into a swound, and deprive me of the natural use of my tongue for a long half-hour: you did not beat me down with your little wand: — but I shall teach you to use your rod another time —