The Heart of a Fox

by T. Isilwath

  “We’ll see.”

  “I’ll bring you some bitter melon juice and some of the shitake I found yesterday. That should help too.”

  “Yeah,” she agreed.

  He turned to her and took her hand. “You must promise me that you will take care of yourself while I am gone. I will worry no matter what you do, but knowing that you are safe and cared for will make it a little easier for me.”

  “You must concentrate on doing what you have to do,” she replied, cupping her other hand around the one that held hers so tightly. ‘Just as I have to concentrate on doing what I have to do.’

  “Yes.”

  He let go of her hand and hopped off the engawa. The absence of his touch made her heart spasm, and she forced a smile when he glanced back at her.

  “I’ll go find Ichiro and get the melon juice. You stay here and rest.” She nodded. “I won’t go anywhere. I promise.”

  A crease of confusion marred his forehead, but she saw him shake it away as he brushed back his long hair with his fingers.

  “I’ll be back soon,” he promised, then hurried off.

  She watched him go, her heart heavy. She dreaded what she was planning to do, and she knew that it would hurt him terribly, but she felt that she had no choice because she was running out of time. If she stayed, she would die at the shrine, and she doubted that the villagers would have much sympathy for him.

  Things had been very strained between her fox and the villagers since the bandits attacked, and several did not appreciate Hiroshi’s agreement to Akihiro’s demands. Most still called him Hanyou despite the headman’s edict, and she could tell that they resented having to treat him with any deference at all.

  While he still helped out quite a bit in the village, she had noticed that his generosity with his time and strength was waning, especially once her blood sugar began to rise. His conspicuous absence was hurting what little status he had managed to gain with the villagers, and she feared what sort of welcome he would receive once she was dead.

  In addition, his preoccupation with her health (and his open affection for her) was alien to a people that prearranged marriages based on economic and social status rather than a love match. Japanese literature was full of stories of hopeless love, but it was rare that anyone witnessed such a pairing in real life, and she knew that her relationship with Akihiro confused and disgusted them.

  ‘Aki, what will you do when I am gone?’

  He’d kill himself. She knew he would, and that was the hardest reality for her to face. He was so beautiful and intelligent, and he’d matured so much since she had first met him, that she couldn’t imagine him committing suicide after she had died.

  ‘How will he do it? Will he slice himself open or drink poison or find some demon bigger and stronger than he is and pick a fight he knows he’ll lose?’

  The idea of him refusing to live without her made her heart break. She wanted him to find someone who could stay with him; someone who would love him and be there for him. He had such a big heart and he had so much to give; killing himself would be such a waste.

  ‘Can I make you live without me? If I made you promise to live on and be happy, would you do it?’

  His return brought her out of her thoughts as he hopped up on the engawa and handed her a cup of bitter melon juice and some cleaned, raw shitake mushrooms. She accepted the food and drink, and tried not to make a face at the sour taste. It wasn’t as bad as vinegar, but it was close.

  “I spoke to Ichiro. He promised to make sure that you are safe while I am gone. Kaemon and Suzuka know I’m leaving as well. I’ll go just as soon as you have finished your food. I will make sure that you have all that you need, and we’ll see what your blood number is, then I will go,” he told her, nervously fidgeting and refusing to look at her.

  She looked over at him, watching him fiddle with something on his kosode, and it struck her that, if she went through with her plan to leave, this could be the last time she would ever see him. A lump formed in her throat, almost choking her, and she had to swallow it down with the juice.

  ‘Akihiro…’

  There was so much she wanted to say, so much she had to tell him, but she knew that she could easily give herself away if she said too much. Still, she didn’t want him to go without her saying some form of goodbye, and at least trying to get him to promise not to kill himself. She reached out and touched his sleeve gently.

  “Akihiro…” she began.

  He jerked at her touch and glanced at her, his eyes wide and full of worry.

  She wondered if he knew what she was up to, but figured that he could smell the changes in her scent, and had probably falsely believed that she was just frightened about what was happening.

  “You should finish the juice, then we need to wait for the hands on your watch thing to turn six lines,” he said nervously, referring to their practice of keeping track of each five minute increment on her watch by counting the lines on the clock face.

  “Akihiro, we have to talk,” she insisted.

  “I have to leave, we don’t have time,” he quickly answered, his hands clenching and unclenching.

  ‘He knows what I want to talk about…’

  She pointed to her watch and made him look where the hands were. “We have 30 minutes before I can check my blood sugar. We have time. Akihiro…”

  “Don’t!” he blurted, moving away when she reached for him.

  “Aki… there are things I have to tell you.”

  “No!” he argued, then looked at her. “I’ll get the mushroom. It will help you. There’s no need for you to worry.”

  Her heart clenched in her chest and she opened her hand towards him, but he didn’t take it. “Akihiro… we have to face the possibility that the maitake might not help. We have to talk about what happens after…” He blanched, his face turning pale, and she could see his hands trembling.

  “After?” he choked.

  “Yes. What happens after I die…”

  He jumped off the engawa. “I don’t want to talk about this!”

  “Aki, we have to.”

  “No! ”

  He started to walk away, and she realized that it might be her last chance.

  “Aki! Aki, please, you have to listen,” she begged, and her pleading voice stopped him for a moment. “Please, Aki. Please…”

  He paused and turned to look at her. “What is it that you want of me?” he asked, his voice defeated and hollow.

  “I don’t want you to kill yourself after I’m gone,” she blurted desperately.

  ‘There I said it. Now what will you do?’

  He gasped, his eyes widening in horror. “What!”

  “I want you to find someone else and be happy…” she went on, tears beginning to roll down her cheeks.

  “Find someone else? Who would have me? I’m a worthless half-breed!” She flinched at his harsh words, so self-degrading, but would not be deterred. “You’re not. You’re beautiful and wonderful, and you have so much to give…”

  “Don’t ask me to live without you! ” he cried, cutting her off. His fists were clenched so tightly that she could see the drops of blood dripping from where his claws had dug into his flesh. “Don’t doom me to a life of eternal loneliness. Before I met you, I…”

  He stopped and looked at his bloody hands, his palms red and ripped open.

  “I can’t… I can’t do this right now. I… I have to go.” With that he turned and ran off, leaving her there on the engawa, heartbroken and weeping.

  “Aki,” she whispered, crushed with the prospect that her last words to him were so inadequate and unfinished. “Akihiro. I love you. Please live. Please be happy.”

  Her only answer was the rustling of the wind in the trees.

  Twenty-five minutes later, she checked her blood sugar. It had come down to 226, but she knew that wouldn’t last. She was putting the meter away in its bag when a shadow fell across her lap, and she looked up to see Akihiro standing there with his
ears and tail drooped and his arms hanging at his sides.

  “It came down to 226,” she said softly.

  He nodded, his face lost and forlorn, then he surprised her by rushing forward to grab her in his arms and hold her close to his chest.

  “Akihiro…”

  “I’ll save you. I promise. Please trust me. It’ll all be all right and everything will be fine,” he whispered hoarsely, almost crushing her.

  She didn’t argue with him. She didn’t want their final moments together to be full of anger and pain so she held her tongue and hugged him tight until he pulled back to cup her face in his hands.

  “I will see you very soon. Please be safe until I get back,” he said, his voice tight and full of unshed tears, then he shocked her by taking the initiative for the first time and kissing her hungrily.

  “I know we haven’t mated,” he rasped breathlessly once their lips parted.

  “But you are my mate and I will give everything for you. I promise that I will make this right, no matter what I have to do.”

  She looked up into his eyes, memorizing his face, and managed to smile. “I love you, Akihiro. Please be safe.”

  She saw him swallow and, when he pressed his forehead against hers, she could feel him trembling.

  “I love you too, Joanna, my vixen,” he replied, saying the words for the first time. “I have to go.”

  “I know. Safe travels and good luck.”

  He smiled at her, a genuine smile. “Luck has nothing to do with it. I will see you in a few days, and all of this will have been a bad dream. I promise.” She nodded as he stepped back and bit her lip when he kissed her hand.

  “I’ll be back soon.”

  “I know.”

  He released her hand and picked up a sack that she hadn’t realized he’d brought with him. They looked at each other, but there were no more words to be said; at least none that could be said aloud. She gave him a final smile, then watched as he left, following him with her eyes until he was out of sight.

  “Goodbye, Akihiro. I love you. I’m sorry,” she whispered sadly.

  She waited until she knew he was well on his way, then began to make her plans. Rising to her feet, she entered her room and surveyed her belongings with a critical eye.

  ‘What does one take with them on a Death Walk?’ she wondered darkly, her hands on her hips. ‘Only what I absolutely need.’

  She sat down among her things and began sorting what she would take and what she would leave behind. She knew that she would have to travel very light because she didn’t want to tax her strength by trying to carry too much. Even her lightweight shoulder harness was probably too heavy, and she decided on one small canvas pack stuffed with a few clothing items, her diabetes bag (though she had no idea why she would need it), her medicinal tea, some food and a couple of personal things. She would take her blanket shawl, but leave her sleeping bag because it was too much of a hassle to roll it up and carry it.

  Unfortunately, she would also have to leave her beloved Iris behind as well.

  ‘Aki will know what to do with her. Hell, he can probably play her for all the times he’s watched me.’

  She thought about leaving him a note. He could read English fairly well, and she wanted him to know that she was doing this because she loved him so much, but she settled against a long, written goodbye. She knew that she would need help in order to get away, and she decided to explain herself to Kaemon instead. She hoped that the young priest who had become their friend would be able to make Akihiro understand why she was leaving.

  There was a light knock on the interior shoji door just before it slid back.

  The very fact that the person coming in knocked at all was a surprise. In modern Japan, because population density was so high, no one had any expectations of privacy, and the same held true for this era. There was no word in the Japanese language for privacy because it simply did not exist. The people chose instead to distance themselves from each other by spiritual means rather than physical ones, and no one was expected to announce their arrival before entering a room. The act of knocking was a custom the members of Ichiro’s family had adopted for the sake of their odd guest, and she was grateful for their show of politeness.

  She raised her eyes to see who was there and was only a little surprised to see Suzuka in the doorway. She watched the miko cast her eyes about the room and take in the sight before her, her stony, expressionless face firmly in place.

  Joanna had come to understand that Suzuka’s carefully cultivated stoicism was a behavior that was expected of her. Japanese women were to be demure and silent, bearing all manner of insults without a word of complaint. Shinto priestesses were held to an even higher standard, and they were expected to bear the burden of their responsibilities with mute grace, or rather, what was believed to be mute grace but was really just the suppression of emotion. Suzuka used her faith to cut herself off from the rest of the world; she wrapped herself in her piety and purity in order to cultivate the belief that she was above the common human being with his petty needs and lustful thoughts.

  Joanna knew better because she’d seen that armor crack on occasion, and she’d been surprised by the depth of the woman beneath the mask. Suzuka was highly intelligent and much more sensitive than most people realized. She had a feeling that Kaemon was aware of his sister’s many layers, but believed that Ichiro purposefully chose to ignore his daughter’s feelings in order not to seem a weak-willed father.

  “You are leaving,” Suzuka said finally, her voice neutral.

  She nodded. “Yeah.”

  The priestess looked at her calmly, but one eyebrow was raised. She blushed under the calm gaze and looked away.

  “I think it’s best. I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do for me anymore, and I don’t want to be a burden.” She glanced up at Suzuka who was still looking at her with the same expression. “It’s just a matter of time before this thing gets me and… I wanted to spare Akihiro the pain of watching me die.”

  “So you would abandon him and go off to die alone like a beast in the woods?”

  It was an accusation and she bristled angrily.

  “I’m not abandoning him,” she snapped irritably. “I’m saving him from the pain. Do you know that he watched his mother die of a fever? If I love him, how can I make him sit beside me while this illness eats me alive? It’s better for me to go off while I have the chance.”

  “Do you not believe that the mushroom will help?” the priestess asked.

  “It might help for a little while, but it would only prolong the inevitable.

  What I have can’t be cured, and it’s going to kill me. All that is left for me is

  how I die, and I don’t want to put Akihiro through that. I love him too much to do that to him.”

  “It is his duty as your mate to be beside you,” Suzuka reminded.

  “He doesn’t accept that this condition is fatal. He is convinced that he can save me, and I don’t want to give him false hope. I have come to terms with my situation even if he hasn’t, and I know how this story is going to end. In truth, I’m not afraid of dying. My people understand that death is part of life and there is nothing to fear. I wish to go peacefully and quietly. We sing a Death Song to call us back to Spirit. I cannot sing it if Akihiro is there begging me not to go,” she said, rolling up a pair of jeans and stuffing them into the bag.

  “You are giving up then? You have so little faith in him.” The accusation cut deep and she paused to get her temper under control. It would do her no good to get angry and start screaming; it would only waste energy she didn’t have to spare.

  ‘But then, maybe that’s her plan…’

  “You don’t understand,” she countered, her voice breaking. “There’s nothing he can do. I’m going to die, and it’s going to be soon. If I don’t leave now, I might not have the strength to do it later. Once this thing gets going, it’s quick.

  I need to get out of here while I can still st
and.”

  “He will search for you.”

  She winced. Of course he would search for her. He’d tear apart the forest looking for her; he might even tear apart the village. Her only consolation was that she knew he wouldn’t kill anyone in the process.

  ‘Although I have no doubts that he is going to be very angry.’

  “I know. That’s why I need to get as big of a head start as I can. If I follow the river, I can use the water to hide my scent,” she replied matter-of-factly.

  “I am not certain that this is the best course of action.”

  “I do. My choices are really limited here.”

  “You should wait for him to return and see if the mushroom helps you. Maitake is very powerful. That is why it is worth so much and so prized.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Even if it does work, it would only be a temporary reprieve,” she dismissed. “What I have isn’t curable, and it’s getting steadily worse. Even in my country, with its special medicine, I knew that this disease would probably kill me. I am already suffering the effects this condition has on my body. There is bleeding in my eyes. I am going blind. I have numbness in my hands and feet; it’s not the oni-gumo poison. I am tired all of the time. Soon I will fall asleep and it will be too late to bring me back. I knew this even before Akihiro left. So now I have a choice: stay here and have him watch me die, or leave and spare him the final burden that he wasn’t able to save me.”

  “He will feel that way regardless. He will search for you. The forest will echo with his cries. And when he finally finds you, because you know he will not rest until he does, if you are dead, he will take his own life,” Suzuka noted.

  She blanched, her hands trembling as she fumbled with the pack. Inhaling deeply, she looked up at the young woman and dropped her bombshell.

  “I know. That’s why I need you to give him a reason to live.” The miko’s eyes opened wide and her stony face slipped for a second in her shock. “Me?”