Rebel Heart

by Moira Young

  I feel the ground, hard unnerneath me. The air’s thick in the tent. Stuffy. Hot. I’m laid on my side, knees hugged to my chest. I’m shakin. My teeth chatter. I’m freezin one moment, burnin the next. My head’s tight. It throbs.

  The plant. The cactus tea. I let it in. It took me over. I set it loose inside me.

  Voices outside the tent. Too loud. Hurtin my head. Lugh. Emmi. Tommo. I cain’t make out what they’re sayin. They’re talkin on top of each other. Jumbled, tumbled words. Auriel’s voice too, low an urgent.

  I don’t care, she needs to come now! Lugh’s voice. So close, so loud, like a shock of cold water. An his hand on my arm, shakin me. Saba, c’mon, wake up!

  Then I’m tryin to drag my eyes open an he’s pullin me up to sit an Auriel’s sayin, Lugh, stop it! You don’t know what yer doin. If she comes outta the vision too quick, she might—

  I know what’s best fer my sister, he says. You bin here all night, that’s time enough. Saba! Hey, Saba, there’s somebody comin.

  My eyes is open now. I see Lugh’s tense face. His bright eyes. He’s wound tight with excitement.

  They’re ridin into camp right now, he says.

  My heart quickens. Jack, I says. It’s Jack. He’s here.

  C’mon, he says. C’mon! He helps me to stand. I stagger. He grabs me. I’m dizzy, my legs shake, my stummick tilts.

  Don’t, says Auriel, please, Lugh, don’t! Saba, we gotta—

  But he’s already leadin me outside, holdin me around the waist. The hard white light of day stabs my eyes. I shade ’em with my hand.

  Look! he says. Look!

  There’s a horse an rider, comin towards us down the row of tents an shelters. The rider’s low an slumped. The horse is slow. Heavy footed. Like they bin travellin too hard an too fast fer too long.

  Nero an Tracker lead the way. Emmi an Tommo walk on eether side. People gather. Some follow, curious.

  Auriel comes outta the tent behind us. Saba, she says, please come back. We gotta finish proper. It’s dangerous to—

  Not now! Lugh says.

  The rider’s covered head to foot with the white dust of the Waste. Long hair in a wild tangle. It’s a girl. I cain’t see her eyes from here. But I know they’re green. Deep an rich an alive. Like forest moss.

  My breath catches. Then I’m stumblin towards her. Runnin towards her. Sayin her name.

  Maev, I says. Maev!

  I thought we seen the last of her.

  It was the day we fought the Tonton at Pine Top Hill. We was outnumbered. Me, Lugh, Emmi an Tommo, Jack an Ash an Ike. Seven of us aginst Vicar Pinch an sixty some odd Tonton. Outnumbered, outwitted an about to be food fer the vultures. Till Maev showed up, that is. Thanks to her an her Free Hawks an that wild boy Creed with his Western Road Raiders, we beat ’em good. Well, that’s what we thought at the time.

  It’s bin near enough two full moons since then.

  I cain’t credit that Maev’s here. That I ain’t still in my vision or seein ghosts. She don’t look like nuthin livin, dusted white with the earth as she is. Emmi’s beamin ear to ear. Tommo too. Nero shrieks an calls with excitement.

  Lugh takes her horse’s bridle an brings him to a halt.

  Slowly she lifts her head. Almost like she’s afeared. Then she turns her eyes on me. An in them, I read her ruin.

  Maev, I says. What happened?

  Her mouth moves. No sound comes out. She tries agin.

  Saba. My name cracks from her parched lips.

  Lugh, I says, help her down.

  I found you. She sways in the saddle, her gaze fixed on me. Then she slumps an slides to the ground.

  Lugh an Tommo catch her. Somebody comes runnin with a stool an they help her onto it.

  Water! Auriel calls out. Somebody bring water!

  Maev waves everybody away, weakly. I gotta talk to Saba, she mutters.

  A woman rushes up with a full pan. Lugh holds it to Maev’s lips. The moment she feels the wetness, she takes it in her own hands. At first, jest sips. Then gasps an gulps. Down her desperate, grateful throat. Water trickles an spills. It snakes through the dust that coats her. Her face, her neck, her clothes. She drinks the pan dry.

  As she gits her breath back, she looks at me. The Tonton came to Darktrees, she says. They cleared us out.

  The cold starts in my stummick. Cleared out the Free Hawks, I says.

  The Raiders too, she says. Right after Pine Top Hill, we started to hear rumours the Tonton was rallyin. Regroupin after the death of Pinch. We decided we’d all stick together. Safety in numbers. We kept pickin up little bits of news here an there, but nuthin to hang yer hat on. Ash an Creed was all fer leavin right away, but you don’t abandon a place like Darktrees on a rumour. Good water an huntin ain’t easy to come by. I dug my heels in. We stayed.

  What happened? says Lugh.

  They came in the middle of the night, she says. We had three on watch but it was so dark . . . There warn’t no moon. An there was too many of ’em.

  But the Hawks got away, says Emmi. Ash an Ruby an Taz an . . . everybody got away, right, Maev?

  Her voice wobbles. She knows. We all do.

  They come on us too fast, says Maev. Between heartbeats, it seemed. One moment quiet, the next there they was, on top of us. Most people was asleep. Some never even woke up. The lucky ones.

  Silent tears spill down Emmi’s cheeks.

  No chance to fight, says Auriel. No chance to run. But here you are.

  I was awake, she says. Me an Ash an Creed, we sat up talkin about the Tonton. Arguin, them two aginst me. What we oughta do, where we could go. They’d jest managed to talk me around. Finally convinced me it ’ud be the safest thing if we all left. We was gonna break camp in the mornin.

  I says, How’d you git away?

  I had help, she says.

  Who from? says Tommo.

  A Tonton, she says.

  A Tonton helped you git away, says Lugh. Why would he do that?

  She looks at me. As her hand goes to her neck. As she pulls a leather string over her head. As she holds out her hand. As she opens her fingers an shows me what’s there.

  It’s a stone. A rose pink stone. The shape of a bird’s egg. The length of my thumb.

  Saba, says Tommo, ain’t that yer heartstone?

  It cain’t be, says Emmi, she gave it to Jack.

  I reach out. I take it. My skin knows it, so smooth an cool. My hand welcomes it like a friend. The coldness inside me starts.

  It was him, says Maev. He’s one of ’em. Jack’s with the Tonton, Saba.

  I stare at the heartstone.

  I don’t move. Don’t breathe. The blood roars in my ears. It pounds in my head. Jack’s with the Tonton. Jack. With the Tonton.

  Saba! Saba!

  It’s Emmi. Callin my name, shakin my arm, draggin me back to the world. She stands in front of me. Auriel’s nearby, with hunched shoulders, arms huggin herself. Watchin. Listenin. I half see Lugh an Tommo, as they half carry, half walk Maev to the tent.

  Saba! D’you hear me? Em shakes me agin, her eyes fierce. It ain’t true. It cain’t be. I don’t believe it an you shouldn’t neether. Jack ’ud never be a Tonton. Never in a million years. You know him, you know he wouldn’t. He helped Maev git away, that proves it!

  I gotta think, I says.

  No, you don’t, she says. C’mon, we gotta find out what happened. C’mon!

  She runs towards Auriel’s tent, draggin me along behind her. Auriel hurries beside us. Tracker too. Em dives inside. Auriel blocks my way. Her face so young an so old. Her wolfdog eyes that see everythin.

  You ain’t ready fer this, she says. We didn’t finish. Yer too open, Saba. It’s dangerous.

  Open. I do feel different somehow. I feel bigger. I feel more than myself. Like I’m part of the air around me. Lik
e I go on ferever an ever. Nero swoops down to land on my arm. I gather him in, hold him close.

  I’m fine, I says. Stand aside.

  They’re jest layin Maev down on Auriel’s cot.

  Tell me everythin, I says. All of it. From the beginnin.

  Hey, steady on, says Lugh. She’s had it, she needs to rest. You can talk to her later.

  I’ll talk to her now, thanks. I shoulder him outta the way. Tommo’s lightin the lamps an Em’s fussin her with blankets an such. We prop her up. I crouch beside her.

  So, everybody was asleep, I says. Jest you an Ash an Creed still awake. Then what?

  Maev touches Nero’s head with a gentle finger. Strokes him a couple of times. Then she says, You know what it’s like there, Saba. At night. In the hills. In the trees. The silence there, it’s . . . so deep. So vast. We’re talkin around the fire . . . keepin our voices low, almost whisperin an then . . . outta nowhere . . . it’s like the night rips open. The Tonton’s on top of us. So many of ’em an . . . it’s all so confusin, the . . . the horses an the screamin an they’re tramplin down the tents with people still inside, still asleep an . . . pullin people out an . . . shootin ’em in the head.

  What about you? I says. Ash an Creed?

  We’re on our feet right away, she says, but this one Tonton’s already ridin me down. He corners me, then he jumps down an grabs me. An I’m fightin him off, no weapon, jest – Maev holds up her hands – but then I look at his face. He’s dressed like the rest of ’em, in the black robes an the armour an all of ’em’s got their faces covered, but I can see his eyes. They’re Jack’s eyes. It’s him.

  I hold out the heartstone.

  He pressed it in my hand, she says. He whispers, Find Saba, give it to her, tell her – but he couldn’t finish what he meant to say becuz all of a sudden, there was another Tonton right next to us, he was—

  She stops fer a moment, collects herself.

  Anyways, he could of heard, there was Tonton all over the place, so Jack lifts his knife, like he’s about to kill me, an he says, loud so’s anybody could hear, You’ve lost an yer the cause of it, so full of pride. You should of seen us comin by the moon, had more’n three on the watch.

  But his eyes are movin, lookin this way an that, then he lets his arm go loose an I know that’s my chance. He means fer me to run. So I duck an run an the horses, they’ve all fled into the trees away from the trouble, an I jump on the first one I come to an I take off. I didn’t look back. But I heard. Sound carries a long ways at night.

  She ends on a whisper. We fall into silence. Led by her words to that mountain forest. On that quiet, moonless night. An I hear. I see. I smell. I feel. The chaos that came from the darkness. The panic. The terror. The pain.

  The dreamers who won’t ever wake. The dead who now walk with Maev.

  My place was with them, she says. To stay an fight an die with them. I ran. Saved my own skin. All my fine ideas about myself. Every one of ’em a lie. This is who I turn out to be.

  So he’s joined the Tonton, says Lugh. I told you, Saba, Jack does what’s best fer Jack.

  That ain’t true! says Emmi. He helped Maev git away, he saved her life!

  I stare at the heartstone in my hand. No message, I says.

  It was all so confusin, says Maev. Before I knew what was happenin, they’re on us an I’m fightin this Tonton an I see it’s Jack an then I’m runnin, I’m on a horse an . . . it’s animal. The need to survive. I jest . . . went. The whole thing couldn’t of took more’n three minutes.

  Yer lucky you got away, says Tommo.

  Am I? says Maev.

  Of course, says Lugh.

  Emmi kneels down next to me. What Jack said to you, she says. You’ve lost an yer the cause of it. That don’t seem like somethin he’d say. He don’t talk like that.

  Maev shrugs. He was right, she says. I am prideful, always thinkin I know best, not listenin to what nobody else says. It was – is my fault that they’re dead. I should of had more people on watch. Right from the off, Jack an me never liked each other. It must of pleased him to rub my nose in my own defeat.

  But he let you go, says Em.

  I couldn’t kill somebody I knew. Tommo’s eyes go to me as he says it. He’s thinkin of Epona.

  He wanted you to bring the heartstone to Saba, says Emmi, to tell her somethin.

  Tell her what? says Maev. That he’s a Tonton now. That he don’t care fer her. There you go, there’s the message. Consider it delivered.

  An there’s this aginst him too, says Lugh. Darktrees is well concealed. You gotta know where it is, to know where it is. That’s what y’all told me, right?

  Maev nods.

  So? says Emmi.

  So, how did the Tonton find it? he says. Hidden away, deep in the forest, on a dark night. Somebody must of told ’em where it was, how to find it. Somebody must of led ’em there. Someone who’d bin there before an knew the way. Jack.

  A voice inside me whispers, Jack knows where Darktrees is. Remember how he tracked you there from Hopetown? How he slipped between the trees, deep into the forest an past the Free Hawk guards? I close my ears to its sly malice.

  He wouldn’t do that, I says.

  How did the Tonton find it? Lugh lays his words out gently. They drift in the air an I breathe ’em in. What d’you know about him? he says. Really, I mean. Nuthin. He plays whatever side suits him at the time. He’s a hollow man. A trickster. He’s betrayed all of yuz. Betrayed you an deceived you.

  Emmi’s eyes fill with tears. I don’t care what you say, she says. I know Jack in my heart. Saba’s heart knows him too. He ain’t no deceiver.

  So, he’s always told you the truth, says Lugh.

  Like you, you mean? Auriel’s cool voice. Our heads turn. It’s the first time she’s spoke. She’s bin stood by the door all this time, watchin.

  Lugh gives her a hard look. I ain’t the one ridin with the Tonton, he says. He turns back to me. I will give him one thing, he had the decency to send yer necklace back. You seem a lot better. More like yerself. We’ll rest today, pack tonight an be gone by first light tomorrow. C’mon, everybody, cheer up. We got the Big Water waitin fer us. A fine new life in a fine new land an I, fer one, cain’t wait to git there. Whaddya say?

  Let’s go, says Tommo.

  That’s the spirit. Yer welcome to come with us, Lugh says to Maev.

  She says naught. Jest lays herself down an turns her face to the wall.

  Lugh an Tommo go off. The set of Lugh’s back can say more’n most people’s mouths do. Right now, it’s shoutin to the world that he’s right an that’s that. His shoulders so certain. His arms so sure.

  There’s only one thing I’m sure of. Lugh’s wrong. I cain’t say how or why or what. But he is. He must be.

  I walk by the river. Back an forth, back an forth, till I wear a path along the bank.

  Jack sent me the heartstone. But no time in all the confusion to say why. Why he’d give it to Maev, tell her to find me, to give it to me. I gotta work this out.

  Say Maev an Lugh’s right. That he wanted me to have the heartstone back so’s I’d know he don’t care fer me no more. Even if that was so, would he choose a bloody attack on the Free Hawks as the ideal moment? Still, maybe he thought it ’ud be his only chance. But why do it at all? If you don’t care fer somebody an they ain’t around, you don’t need to go to the trouble of tellin ’em so. You jest disappear from their life. Never send word an trust yer paths don’t cross agin.

  My mind sniffs at the problem. Licks at it, nibbles it, tears it apart. Over an over till it’s like there’s somebody shoutin at the top of their voice inside my head. Then I dive in the river an dunk myself till it shuts up. An I start all over agin.

  I jest cain’t git to what it means. How he might of come to ride with the Tonton. To be part of such bad deeds at Darktrees.


  I ain’t never got on with posers. Lugh’s the twisty thinker. The one who’s good at riddle-me-this an puzzlers. But I cain’t ask him. He’d only carve more slices offa Jack’s character. Give that nasty little voice inside of me even more to feast on.

  You don’t know nuthin about him. Not really.

  He’s a thief. A chancer. A rover.

  A flash back to Ike. Outside the One-Eyed Man. He calls, Hey Jack! What is it you always say? An Jack turns, smilin that crooked smile of his. Sayin, Move fast, travel light an never tell ’em yer real name.

  He’ll play whatever side suits him at the time.

  You know he ain’t always told you the truth.

  Auriel comes to talk to me, goin on agin about how we need to go back into the vision lodge, that it’s dangerous to leave things like we did. I tell her I’m back to my old self. She jest looks at me a long moment, then goes away.

  At middle day, the welcome committee announces a social. Tonight, startin at sundown, we’ll have music an dancin. They figger it’ll do the whole camp good to let off some steam an have a little fun fer a change. Lilith an Meg promise to give a song, if they can remember any that’s fit fer decent company.

  What a lamentable waste of time. Apart from one thing.

  It means that nobody bothers me. What with gittin stuff together fer the trip west an, now, doin this an that fer tonight as well, they let me alone. Lugh an Tommo an – at last, finally, three cheers an amen – Emmi.

  All mornin she vexed me. Like a flea you cain’t shake. There I am, tryin to think, an there she is, doggin my heels. Yippin an yappin her lamebrain ideas an stupid comments. I think maybe Jack meant this, an, D’you s’pose maybe Jack meant that? an, Why’re you goin in the water agin, Saba? I’m gonna be a shaman like Auriel. Yip, yap, on an on the livelong day till I yell at her to shut the hell up or I’ll wring her scrawny neck.

  I brace myself fer the usual Emmi palaver. The quivery lip, the wobbly chin, the tragic eyes. But she jest grins an says it’s nice to have me back. Then she skips off, sayin Meg promised to learn her the polka, an I ain’t seen her since.