Rebel Heart

by Moira Young

  You’re extraordinary. You’ve only just begun to discover what you’re capable of. Imagine what you could do for the earth. To bring back – even just a little of that wonder.

  The sights, the sounds of that lost world. I won’t never fergit. What if he’s right? What if we could go back to that?

  I’m hurryin so much that I slip. Fall a couple of times an scrape my knee. The dress, DeMalo’s green dress gits torn an dirty.

  It fits well. I knew you’d come to me. He must of got it with me in mind. How long had he bin keepin it in that trunk? I yank at the tear, rip it even more.

  I’m hot an sweaty by the time I reach the top. Nero’s nowhere in sight. Damn bird. I whistle fer him as I head in the direction of Bram an Cassie’s place.

  A horse’s head pops up in the middle of a wild wheat field. It’s Bram’s horse, grazin peaceably. He whinnies an comes gallopin up. I swing myself onto his back an heel him homewards. As his hoofs tear up the ground, I try to block out DeMalo’s voice in my head.

  I’m a fever in your blood now, Saba.

  A fever in my blood. That’s almost what Jack said.

  Yer in my blood, Saba.

  Jack. He deceived me. Betrayed me. This is all his fault.

  An Emmi. I ain’t hardly spared a thought fer poor Em an what she might be goin through. I’m the worst sister in the world, the most selfish.

  I keep on whistlin fer Nero. He don’t show.

  I cain’t stop to look. I cain’t go back. He could be anywhere. But I got this funny feelin. This kinda prickle that he’s somewhere jest outta sight. That if I jest turned my head quick enough, I’d see him.

  I don’t. I don’t.

  Dammit, Nero.

  I reach Bram an Cassie’s jest past middle day. If I act like all of this . . . DeMalo . . . if I make like it never happened, then it never happened. All I gotta think about now is gittin Em back.

  There still ain’t no sign of Nero. It’s quiet at the homestead, nobody about. As I pass the stables, I do a quick check on Hermes. He ain’t here. Where is everybody? As I come to the house, I hear raised voices. Cassie an Bram. I take a deep breath an open the door. At the click of the latch, their heads turn quick. They’re tight faced, tight lipped. Alone.

  Bram pulls me inside an slams the door shut. Where the hell you bin? he says.

  Where is everybody? I says. Where’s Lugh?

  Cassie’s keen eyes flick over my face. The dress. The boots. What’s all this? she says. Where’s the clothes I give you?

  Nero got attacked by another bird, I says, an I had to climb up this cliff to git at him. Yer stuff got ripped to shreds. I stole this the first chance I got.

  As I speak, I know how lame it sounds. What a obvious lie. Cassie glances at Bram. Even ruined, she can tell it’s a finer dress than any settler would own.

  You put everybody at risk goin off like that, says Bram. What if you got caught?

  I wouldn’t of squealed on yuz, I says. I’m sorry. I was upset. I had to git away an think.

  Did it never occur to you that yer friends, yer brother, might be worried sick about you? says Cassie. That they might of spent most of the night lookin fer you?

  I said I’m sorry, I says.

  Well, while you bin off lickin yer wounded feelins, she says, Bram’s bin workin out a plan to git yer sister back. Seein how you couldn’t be bothered.

  My cheeks flag hot with shame. I stand there, shoulders hunched, while her spiky tongue lashes me.

  All right, that’s enough, says Bram. Everybody’s waitin at the ammo dump. I was jest on my way there.

  I’ll come with you, I says.

  You sure as hell will, he says.

  I hesitate. He nods at the door. Wait outside, he says. I do as he says, feelin low an shabby an stupid. I only jest met Cassie an Bram, but their good opinion matters to me. Specially Bram. Last night, he kept his head better’n anybody I know could of.

  My head’s whirlin. I dunno what to do. Everythin’s gone so wrong. I pace back an forth. I can still smell DeMalo on me. My skin. The dress.

  Bram comes outta the house behind me. We hurry along the road towards the woods. Cassie sure don’t like you, he says. She don’t trust you. She asked me not to go. Says we oughta leave you to sort out yer own mess.

  But yer gonna help git Em back, I says. You made a plan . . . she said.

  Slim says you’ll go fer yer sister with or without my help, he says, an if it goes wrong an you git caught, they’ll put it all together. Yer sister, you, an that’ll lead ’em right here to us. That won’t jest be our whole set up blown, but me an Cassie an Slim – maybe even Molly – killed. So I’m gonna make sure you do it right. That we’re in an out quick an clean, we git yer sister, then all of yuz leave New Eden an never come back. I want you gone, d’you hear me?

  Yes, I says. My humiliation burns my face. He’s right. Every word.

  Slim likes you, he says, gawd knows why, he must be goin soft in the head. He could be a wanted man after what you did on the way here. The Cosmic’s easy to spot, even from a distance, an we got no idea if them Tonton got away before the causeway blew up. We’ll hafta hide him in the woods till we know if he’s safe or not. If he ain’t, we’ll hafta smuggle him out somehow. We only jest got started on this an thanks to you, I could lose my main man. He don’t jest run weapons, he’s my eyes an my ears. I’d sooner wring yer neck than help you, but . . . aw, hell, I’m sick of talkin about it.

  He don’t say no more. When we’re deep into the trees, he gives the signal – the pigeon call. Answer comes back. We move forwards an we’re at Bram’s rootbound arms dump. An here they all are. Tommo an Maev. Ash an Creed an Slim an Molly.

  Tracker comes runnin. He shoves me with his big head, almost knockin me over. As I rub his ears an fuss him, I take it all in. Everybody looks completely different. Tommo an Creed wear Tonton gear. Maev, Ash an Molly all ragged an filthy, like they bin livin rough. Nobody comes to speak to me. A quick glance when I first show, but that’s it. They keep on loadin the Cosmic’s secret compartment with ammo an weapons. She don’t look nuthin like she used to. She’s bin pretty much rebuilt. Changed to a open cart with new boards, all chalkwashed.

  An there’s Molly’s mare Prue an my Hermes. He greets me with a toss of his head an a whuffle. I kiss his soft nose. Stroke his face. At least the beasts seem glad to see me. All but Moses, of course. The Grand Champeen of the Pillawalla Camel Race sits off to one side, chewin his cud an givin me the evil eye.

  That’s it, says Slim. Lugh! All done!

  Lugh climbs outta the arms store, my bow in his hand. He’s dressed like a Tonton too. He don’t look nuthin like my brother, like my Lugh. His birthmoon tattoo’s now covered up with some kinda face paint. His eyes take in my dress, the new boots. He comes right over, grabs my arm an takes me into the trees, away from everybody.

  Where you bin, Saba? he says. What’re you wearin?

  It’s Cassie’s, I lie.

  I was lookin fer you half the night, he says. First Emmi, then you. What was you thinkin, runnin off like that? Don’t you ever use yer head? He pulls me to him. Hugs me tight.

  Is this yer way of pickin me up offa the ground? I says.

  Why couldn’t you listen to me about Jack? he says. All I ever wanted to do was pertect you, stop you gittin hurt.

  Where was you? I says. When they took Emmi? I needed you. I wanted you, Lugh.

  I’m sorry. He puts me away from him. I was – I couldn’t of done nuthin anyways, he says.

  You was with Maev, I says.

  So? He’s a bit flushed on the cheeks, a bit shifty.

  So . . . you love her, I says.

  No, I don’t.

  I seen the way you look at her, I says. Did she take away the shadows fer a time? There in the cornfields, in the moonlight?

  Fer a
time, he says.

  Maybe that’s all there is, I says. The most we can hope fer.

  I said about maybe comin west with us once we git Emmi back, he says, but . . . she said no. She’s stayin here.

  How did you ask her? I says. Did you say, come with me Maev, be with me, we’re meant for each other, made fer each other, yer a fever in my blood.

  I go still. His words, DeMalo’s words, it’s like they’re runnin in my head all the time, over an over, behind the words I speak, the thoughts I think. He’s right, he’s right, he’s a fever in my blood, in my head, in my bones – no, no, that’s what Jack said.

  Saba? says Lugh.

  Yeah, I says. So . . . did you say that to her?

  No, he says. Of course not. Here. He hands me my bow, an we go back to th’ others.

  Bram’s changed into Tonton gear, too, like the rest of the boys. He’s cleared a patch of forest floor an hunkers down, stick in hand. He scratches a map in the dirt as he speaks.

  Okay, he says. Full attention. Everybody. No matter how well you think you know the plan. They’ll of took Emmi to Resurrection, to question her. It’s Tonton headquarters, the middle of the spider’s web. I know the outside pretty good. I done a fair few scouts from the lake, but I ain’t never bin inside.

  What? I says.

  You heard, he says. Let me tell you what I do know. Resurrection stands, like a great slab, in between the lake on this side an a big field of boulders an rubble on the approach side. The Field of the Fallen Mountain. There’s only one gate, in an out. We go in through the gate, an out by the lake, droppin down by rope into boats. Okay so far?

  We all nod our heads. He goes on, Resurrection’s a strange buildin. Huge. Long an narrow, maybe half a mile long, half a mile high.

  Half a mile? I says. What the hell was it?

  Bram shrugs. I dunno, maybe somethin to do with the lake. Hard to tell. From the approach side, it looks jest like a big slab of concrete. We got five floors, runnin right along the top. Bottom floor – let’s call it one – that’s their kitchen an stores. At this end, there’s a kinda landin stage that juts out over the lake. Floor two, we got sleepin quarters. We avoid that. Floor three, I dunno what goes on there. Floor four, I dunno, floor five, I dunno. I only know what I could see from the lake. Lights goin on an off, people comin to windows. Speakin of which – windows, that is – they run all along the buildin on both sides, every floor but kitchen level, that’s only got a couple. We’ll try to drop ropes from a window on the third floor.

  Why don’t we leave by the landin stage? I says.

  Kitchen level’s always busy, he says. All night, every night, there’s people comin an goin.

  Where will Emmi be? I says.

  We dunno, says Lugh. She could be anywhere in there.

  We all look at each other. This is hopeless, I says.

  Don’t you dare say that, says Lugh. It’s yer fault she’s in there.

  That’s enough, says Bram. By the way – Bram looks at me – Ash, Creed an Maev’s asked to throw in with us, an I said yes. Glad to have ’em on board. This is their first official op.

  Right, I says. I look at the three of ’em, but they keep their eyes on the map.

  So, Bram says, this is how we git there. Tommo, me, Lugh, an Creed’s the Tonton. We’re bringin four women to be interrogated. That’s Molly, Maev, Ash an Saba. The story is we caught you doin sabotage in Sector Ten – I bin makin a little trouble there lately, so that story should hold water. You women ride in the cart, me an Lugh drive, Tommo an Creed on horseback behind. We go through three guardposts on the road, here, here an here, where we’ll hafta give the password.

  What is it? I says.

  Different every time, he says. They got a bunch, they use ’em in random rotation. You can tell which one from the colour of the flag on the gate. I spent many a hour spyin on guardposts when I should of bin workin. Slim’s bin a great help with that too, gittin round the place as he does.

  Slim shrugs, but looks pleased.

  When we git to here, says Bram, we split up. Molly, Tommo an Saba take Hermes an Prue an head to the far end of the the lake – it’s called Glasswater Tarn. They’ll tell you what to do, Saba. In the meantime, Lugh an me an Creed, in the cart, drive into the gatehouse, perched on top. Right through the main gate with our suspects fer interrogation, Ash an Maev.

  I only half-listen as Bram goes through the rest of the plan. I’m outta the main action. I won’t be part of Emmi’s rescue. They don’t want me. They don’t trust me. I ruined everythin fer everybody becuz of my blind belief in Jack. Deceitful betrayer. If I ever set eyes on him agin, I’ll kill him.

  I gotta be there! It bursts outta me.

  They all look. No, says Bram. Yer a liability.

  They could well be usin Emmi fer bait to draw you in, says Slim. You cain’t go nowhere near the place.

  But I—

  What’s the most important thing? he says. That we git the little gal back, right? You think on that, big sister, an leave yer pride here. Moses an me’ll roast it fer supper. Ha ha!

  We leave it at that. While they close the arms dump an say farewell to Slim, I hurry into the trees with a pile of raggedy clothes. Slim’s right. Bram’s right. Lugh’s right. I ain’t nuthin but wrong. About everythin an everybody. I ain’t no judge of character. No judge of my own heart. I’m prideful, arrogant an stubborn.

  I rip the buttons open on DeMalo’s hateful dress. I’m about to take it off when suddenly Tommo’s here, his dark eyes intent.I jump, my heart racin, cover myself up agin. Tommo! Don’t sneak up on me like that, I says.

  I gotta talk to you, he says.

  Not now, I says, this ain’t the time. Later, I promise.

  He looks at me a moment. You cain’t put me off ferever, he says. Then he nods. Later, he says.

  When he’s outta sight, I haul off the dress an scrabble at the roots of the tree. I stuff it deep into the earth. Bury it. Bury him.

  Jest what I need, more trouble. Trouble. Ohmigawd, what if I do have a baby in me? No no, don’t think about it. If I don’t think about it, it cain’t be so. Where’s that Nero got to? As if I don’t have enough to worry about.

  Saba? It’s Molly. Yer talkin to yerself, she says. Here. Let me give you a hand.

  I jump to my feet. No, it’s okay, I—

  But she’s already pullin a raggedy shift over my head. Her eyes flick over the girly skivvies I’m wearin, the boots.

  Stand still, she says. She starts to cover up my birthmoon tattoo, dippin her baby finger in two little pots of paste, brown an white, mixin on the back of her hand till she gits the colour right to match my skin. Where you bin? she says. Where’d you git the fancy gear?

  It’s Cassie’s. I tell the lie agin. If I tell it often enough, I might even start to believe it.

  Fine, she says, keep yer secrets. You smell nice. What is that, juniper?

  I dunno, I says.

  Okay, that’s covered up. An you look truly wretched in them clothes. You’ll pass. Now . . . She runs a keen eye over me as she rummages in the little bag at her waist. This hair of yers . . . She’s pulled out her comb an started combin an fussin an movin around me. Before I realize, before I can stop her—

  Oh! She goes still. She’s seen it. On the back of my neck. My first-time mark. His mouth. His lips.

  Above all others, you chose me, Saba. His smell on my skin. His voice in my head. His mark on my body.

  She smooths my hair to cover it. There we go, she says. There, now. You look fine.

  Tears start at her kindness. I grab her hand, comb an all. Molly, I whisper.

  Our eyes meet. Beautiful Molly. So tough, so kind, so sad.

  This might not mean much to you right now, she says, but fer what it’s worth, I’ll tell you. Maybe I know it better’n most. Life ain’t black an white. Peopl
e ain’t neether. Family, friends, lovers. It’s all a lot more complicated. The longer I live, the more I see, the less I know fer sure. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. So dry yer tears. Whoever he is, he won’t be cryin over you. Men never do. That’s the one thing I do know fer sure. Now, muck up them boots a bit.

  She pats my cheek an heads back to th’others. She’s comin! she says.

  They’re already headed fer the road by the time I pull myself together. Tommo an Creed lead the horses through the trees, while Bram an Lugh an Ash wrestle the cart along the narrow track. Molly an Maev hang back a bit, waitin fer me.

  Ready? says Molly.

  Tracker’s tethered to a big tree, on a short rope. Bram decided it’s better that we leave him here. He’s whinin, lookin anxious. This is where we part ways, him an me. I cain’t bear to look at him.

  C’mere, sister, says Slim. Give a smelly old man a hug before you go. He hauls me into a awkward one-armed hug. Check my right pocket, he mutters.

  I dig into it, outta sight of Maev an Molly. I pull out a tiny brown bottle. The silent enemy, he whispers. It’s called eccinel. One drop in a full cup, a man’ll sleep eight hours. Two drops, he’ll do a whole day, maybe half of the next.

  An three? I says.

  The longest sleep of all, he says. Use it with a cool head.

  I throw my arms around his neck an hug him tight. Thank you, I says. I’m sorry about everythin.

  I shall rise agin, never you fear, he says. I seen you fight at Hopetown, heard word of what you did at them other places. You don’t know it, but yer a bit of a legend.

  No, I ain’t, I says.

  Anyways, he says, when I seen who it was hijackin me, I had this idea you might join us. We’d be able to kick things up an march on to glorious victory. Well . . . I’m jest a foolish old man with romantical notions. I’m honoured to of knowed you. Good luck, m’dear.

  An you, Slim, I says.

  I give Tracker a last kiss on his head. Molly takes my arm an Slim waves us off. Tracker starts howlin.

  I keep lookin back over my shoulder. Till the trees hide ’em from view. Till all that’s left is the sound of Tracker’s distress, ringin among the trees.