Always Be the ONE

by Hadley Quinn

  She studied me for a moment, like it was a foreign concept or something.

  “What?” I asked. “Is that weird to hear?”

  Clare shook her head. “No, it’s just… Well, you surprise me, I guess.”

  “Why’s that? You don’t even know me so what’s there to be surprised about?”

  I could swear I saw her cheeks turn a shade of pink and she was trying not to smile. Finally she said, “Okay, so I asked a couple of neighbors about you. I’m sorry if that’s insulting, but it was with good intentions, I guess…”

  “And what intentions were those,” I could help but state with a chuckle. “You see a smoker with tattoos, messy hair and a beard and you’re worried I’m some kind of neighborhood creeper?”

  “No,” she scoffed with astonishment. “No, not at all,” she laughed out loud.

  Damn, I liked seeing her laugh like that. And her eyes were alive with something that I hadn’t seen before. Maybe it was what laughter brought out in her, but she looked extremely happy right now. I’d embarrassed her somehow, but she still looked happy.

  “It’s just that…the one lady on this side of you,” she pointed to my neighbor between our houses. “She seems to have some crazy assumptions about you.”

  “Oh? And how do you know they’re assumptions?” I teased.

  “Well I don’t, but being that you’ve already negated her theories, I’m guessing she’s just full of crap.”

  “Hmm, interesting. You’re talking about Jill, right?” I pointed to the house. “Not her husband?”

  “Yes, I think her name was Jill. She’s seen us talking outside a couple of times and she warned me that you’re a player.”

  I practically snorted. “She’s actually thinking of my brother. Trent is that way, not me.”

  “She said there are girls in and out of here all the time. She has to keep her teenage boys’ eyes from wandering over here to observe too many women.”

  I was thoroughly amused. Jill and Ollie had always been decent neighbors—not too friendly and not too snobbish. I had no idea they’d say such a thing to Clare. Or to anyone, for that matter.

  “Well here’s the thing,” I said, feeling the need to clarify. “My ex was a female—I’m pretty sure of that fact—and she had a lot of friends and sisters. So yeah, there were always females coming in and out of here. But it’s been over a year since any of that has gone on, so I don’t know what Jill’s problem is.”

  “She felt the need to stir up trouble,” Clare shrugged, taking a sip of her juice. And then she tried not to laugh. “But it is funny. Your place is known as the orgy house. With your groupies.”

  Now that made me laugh out loud, and even Mia and Sadie let out little giggles. “The girls like those new words you’re teaching them,” I joshed. “Groupies and orgies.”

  “Oh jeez,” she scoffed, shaking her head. She laughed animatedly with the girls to get more smiles out of them, and then wiped a pair of juicy watermelon mouths.

  “So you know I’m a musician, huh?” I asked, not having missed that bit of information. “Or…was.”

  “Yeah, Jill mentioned that and your late hours, all of your traveling, the hordes of women, your drinking and smoking…”

  I slightly nodded, still amused but somewhat perturbed by the judgmental gossip. “Well, late hours… that’s the truth. Traveling…not too much back then and not at all anymore. I do still smoke, but gave up binge drinking a while back. That was when Aubrey left and I was a pathetic piece of shit.”

  She smiled sympathetically. “Bad break up?”

  I couldn’t help my bitter laugh. “Well…she had another guy and she planned on marrying him.”

  “She cheated on you?”

  I shrugged. “More like had an entire life without me, I guess. Maybe I was naïve to it all or maybe just plain stupid, but we didn’t have the same goals in life. I didn’t know she was so unhappy with me.”

  Clare remained quiet for a moment as she finished her last few bites of food. Finally she sighed and said, “Well, sometimes we don’t always see the big picture. Lucky for us, God has that covered. I don’t understand a lot of things in my life, but know that I don’t have to. I know it’s easier said than done, but you just have to do the best you can with what you’ve been handed.”

  I nodded my agreement. I believed in God, but I probably didn’t acknowledge Him as much as I should. Maybe I was still mad at Him for not protecting my relationship with Aubrey.

  “Sometimes we’re not meant to live this life with the people we want,” she added, seeming to read my mind. “And never in my life did I expect I’d be raising twin girls on my own.” She glanced over at them, now pretty much just playing in their food. Clare made sure they stopped making messes and cleaned them both up with another napkin. She pulled them each out of their chairs and wiped those down as well.

  Seeing that I could come in handy somehow, I hopped up and grabbed the bucket of outdoor toys I’d found in the garage. I was pretty sure they were toddler friendly since everything was either a ball or a preschool toy. The girls came right over to check everything out, so I led them to the grass to play.

  Clare joined us and shook her head with a smile. “You sure know how to keep kids entertained.”

  “Do I?” I smiled insecurely. It really did make me feel a bit anxious. Not the kid aspect of it, but doing something wrong. “I know nothing about little kids, to be honest. I’ve never really been around ones this small. How old are they, exactly? I just keep thinking they’re two. Am I completely wrong?”

  “No, you’re right on. They’re twenty-two months. Almost two.”

  Sadie was picking up a little soccer ball, throwing it, and picking it up again. I showed her how to kick it with her feet.

  “Kick,” I said, demonstrating again. “Can you say ‘kick’?”

  She only smiled at me, but then kicked the ball.

  “She can say it,” Clare told me. “She’s being shy. Sadie Bug, can you say ‘kick’ for Matt? Say ‘kick’!” She kicked the ball for her.

  “Kick!” Sadie repeated as she did it.

  “Good girl,” Clare praised. “Sadie is kicking the ball,” she emphasized.

  “Sadie keeking da ball!” she grinned.

  While they played, Mia seemed to just smile and go along with everything happening. Her mom tried to get her involved, but then she just watched and smiled at the other two having fun. I thought it was interesting, but didn’t feel there was anything wrong with it. Even adults were that way. Some are just more outgoing than others, and some like to sit back and observe others.

  “Potty,” Sadie said as she suddenly stopped playing. She grabbed the crotch of her shorts and said, “Momma, pee-pee.”

  “Okay, let’s find a potty,” Clare said. “Mia, you want to go potty?”

  Mia gave her a scowl—which, for some reason, was kind of funny. I’m not sure why it amused me—maybe just that defiant look of a two-year-old—but it did.

  I led them into the house for the bathroom. Clare told Mia she needed to come too, but all she got was a ‘no’ anytime she was asked if she had to go. I let them have the hall bathroom to themselves, but I could hear from the kitchen that Mia was clinging to Clare while she was trying to hold Sadie on the seat for a pee-that-turned-into-poop session.

  Don’t think I’m absolutely new to any of this. Just picture those toddlers as grown ass men on a tour bus, or after a show backstage; complaints about having to take a shit, someone taking too long of a shit, someone else getting so wasted they puked and shit themselves…

  Yeah, I’ve seen it all. But to be perfectly honest, dealing with toddlers was so much easier.

  I grabbed my guitar and headed down the hall. I didn’t want to be invasive and peek in on anything I shouldn’t, but I stood halfway behind the door and glanced into the bathroom. Luckily Mia was facing me, so I held out the guitar and said, “Mia, let’s play.”

  She actually stopped clinging to her mo
m and left the bathroom to follow me, and I got a silent ‘thank you’ from Clare.

  I sat on the couch and patted the spot next to me. At first Mia wouldn’t sit down with me, but I set the guitar on my lap and the strings were facing away from her. I played a little rhythm and patted the couch again. “Come sing with me?”

  Without waiting for her answer, I pulled her up on the couch with me, and before she could even think about throwing a fit, started to play again. I actually strummed a song by The Cure, pausing only briefly to situate her on my lap a little bit. I thought maybe she’d reach forward and try to finger the strings, but she didn’t. She nestled her head against me and listened to me sing.

  By the time Clare came out of the bathroom with Sadie, Mia was sound asleep. I stopped playing and carefully set my guitar against the arm of the couch, trying not to wake her. It was eight o’clock anyway and I assumed it was bedtime.

  “Jeez, I don’t want to wake her to walk home,” Clare said softly. She had Sadie nuzzled against her neck and she looked ready for sleep as well.

  “I’ll carry her.” I stood, worried she’d wake up and freak out, but Mia remained asleep. I positioned her against me a little better so it was easier to walk a few houses down the street.

  “Are you sure?” Clare asked. “I don’t want to leave your kitchen and patio a mess. I’d like to help clean up before I go.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I said as I headed for the front door. I held it open, so Clare grabbed the diaper bag she came with and came outside with me. Seeing that bag made me ask, “Does Mia need changed or anything? I think she may have peed as she fell asleep.”

  Clare smiled knowingly. “Yep, that’s what she does. She won’t use the toilet but will pee in her diaper right after. I’ll change her when I lay her down. She’ll stay asleep.” She cast me a side-glance as we walked down the sidewalk. “And listen to you being all mom-like about a diaper,” she teased.

  I couldn’t help but smile. Yeah, it was kind of surprising. But did I really want Clare to know I’d read up on two-year-olds before she came over? Don’t even laugh because I did. Gave myself a crash course in Toddlers 101 during my lunch break at work.

  “I’m trying,” I admitted, just as we approached her house.

  “I appreciate that,” she smiled.

  Clare pulled out a key and unlocked the front door. I hadn’t considered this part of the night—actually going inside her house—but she motioned for me to follow her. This house was pretty much the same layout as mine; most of them in this neighborhood were.

  We made it to a bedroom at the end of the hall, the one across from the master bedroom, and Clare laid Sadie in a crib. I did the same with Mia in another crib and watched their mom tuck them in, rubbing their chests a bit to keep them asleep. She quickly changed Mia’s diaper and then pulled a blanket over them in their separate beds.

  I’ll admit it was kind of a serene ending to the night. I could picture Clare doing this every day—naptime, bedtime—and wondered how she did it all. Especially the feeding and bathing and bathroom stuff… Playtime, cleanup time… Hell, all I had to do was drop my tired ass into my bed each night; I didn’t have anyone depending on me. This amazing woman was somehow raising two little girls that would take on the world just as selflessly as their mom.

  I’d been lurking in the hallway, but when all seemed well, Clare joined me and then shut the bedroom door behind her.

  “Boom, success,” she smiled at me.

  “Well done,” I gave her an approving nod and made my way back to the front room with her trailing behind.

  Suddenly it felt completely different being in her house without her girls around and I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.

  “Thank you for having us over, Matt,” she told me.

  And I could tell she meant it. Just the sincerity in her eyes took hold of something inside me and I wished there was more I could do for her. I didn’t care what it was, but to see how pleased she was over something so small made me feel like a fucking hero.

  “It was my pleasure to have you there. All of you. What guy wouldn’t brag about having three beautiful ladies over for dinner? It fits my neighborhood reputation, right?”

  She didn’t seem to think I was kidding until I smiled, but she shook her head with a light laugh and answered, “Screw what people think. You’re never going to please everyone and people judge you no matter what.”

  “I couldn’t agree more.”

  We stood there for a few seconds in silence. I knew I should be getting my ass out the door, but my legs didn’t want to move. I was finally starting to let myself care about someone else besides Aubrey, and for once, I wasn’t trying to avoid it. Clare was beautiful and sweet, and her easygoing personality was right up my alley. I didn’t think I could go wrong with someone like her—no matter how things turned out.

  I hoped she felt the same way about me because I realized I was leaning in to kiss her that very moment…

  8

  Was there really any reason to not kiss her right now? I didn’t know if she wanted me to or not, but I guess I was being selfish and was acting on my own impulses.

  Those eyes of hers… God, they slayed me in so many ways, and I didn’t know if it was the circumstances or what, but she had a hold over me that I couldn’t deny. I hadn’t felt this way about anyone for quite awhile. I even wondered if I’d felt this way about Aubrey in the past couple of years. Yeah I lived everyday looking forward to seeing her, but I couldn’t remember feeling this way just by looking into her eyes.

  “Matt, are you going to kiss me?” Clare softly asked.

  I realized I was halfway to her mouth but had stopped. Her eyes had stopped me. Was that a good thing or a bad thing?

  I swallowed, trying to regroup and collect some courage. My heart was still racing, but now I was second-guessing myself. Did I really want to do this, or was it just an easy opportunity for me to get on with my life?

  “I’m not sure if I should,” I answered just as quietly.

  I pulled away just slightly and ran my hand over my scruff. I’d probably just fucked up the moment entirely, but hell, I was all about being honest. I’d already been in one relationship that’d I’d apparently floundered through obliviously.

  “Can you expound on that?” she asked. “You’re not sure if you should because…I’m a single mom with kids and you don’t want to get involved?”

  “No, that’s not it at all,” I answered quickly. “I promise you, that’s not what it is. It’s just… I’m not sure if I’m ready to move on yet. Okay, that’s not true. I am. I just…I’m not ready to disappoint anyone again.”

  Fuck, that sounded stupid. But it was the truth. I was honestly afraid I wouldn’t be good enough for one more person. I didn’t think I would ever fall in love again, and I was sure I couldn’t love anyone like I loved Aubrey, but to waste someone else’s time—and for them to end up resenting me—wasn’t something I was ready for.

  “Believe it or not, I understand what you mean,” she said, studying me closely. “You know…you’ve never asked me about the girls’ father so…I didn’t think you were interested in me in…this way,” she motioned between us. “Are you? Because I’m fine either way, I just don’t want to be confused.”

  I could respect that. But if she was “fine either way,” did that mean she couldn’t care one way or the other about me?

  “What exactly do you mean by that?” I asked.

  She blinked a few times, and then seemed embarrassed. “No, that’s not what I meant,” she waved her hand. “No, I didn’t mean I couldn’t care less what there is between us, I just meant because… Oh jeez, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”

  I could tell she really did feel apologetic, but I still wanted to know what she meant.

  “Then clarify,” I encouraged with a smile.

  She glanced down at the floor. I was trying to read her body language, and if my guessing was correct, I’d
jumped to conclusions by her inquiry.

  “So what does ‘fine either way’ mean?” I asked softly, hoping she felt comfortable enough to open up. She hesitated again, so I took my fingers and lifted her chin to look at me. “What do you mean, Clare? Because I don’t want to do something that is going to hurt or upset you. Just tell me to leave if you don’t want me here.”

  “I do want you here,” she whispered. “That’s the point. I just meant I was fine if you didn’t feel that way about me—it’s more important for me to have you as a friend if that’s the way it is; I don’t want to misread you—but I was hoping…”

  “You were hoping what?” I was trying to be patient. She was working through her reservations like I was, but when did kissing someone become so complicated?

  “I was hoping you would kiss me,” she finally confessed. “That’s what I meant. I wanted you to, but then you stopped… It just made me wonder why.”

  I really didn’t want to get into why at that moment, but if she was giving me the go-ahead, then I was taking it.

  Stepping closer to her, I slid my hand behind her neck. Her long, soft hair was like silk against my skin, and when I held her face in my other hand, she wrapped her arms around my waist. That tension had built again, the kind where I might have just taken her against the wall if I was listening to my body instead of my mind. I felt a physical hum happening between us—the obvious effects of lust and passion building—and when I pressed my lips to hers, I felt a myriad of emotions swirling around inside of me.

  Clare’s soft moans against my mouth as she kissed me back made me instantly hard. I softly worked my tongue into her mouth and she willingly allowed it, mingling her own tongue with mine. Our bodies were pressed together firmly, and I couldn’t help when my hands slid down the sides of her breasts to cop a feel.

  I almost expected her to tell me to stop any second now, but she didn’t. In fact, her hands traveled over my ass and pressed my cock into her even more. I don’t think I could have been any harder than I was; it’d been a long time since I’d done this with someone.