Adam and the Arkonauts

by Dominic Barker

  ‘I was reading that article,’ said the old man. ‘This really is too much!’

  But if it was too much, then it turned out that Sniffage only had more in mind. He leapt on to the table, upending the cup of coffee which sat there. Its contents landed in the old man’s lap.

  ‘Miguel!’ cried Arantcha, rushing out from behind her desk. The burly, uniformed concierge rushed into the lobby. ‘Get rid of that dog!’

  Miguel, hampered only slightly by his extra-large tasselled lapels, which flapped into his face as he ran, dashed towards Sniffage. But Sniffage was not going to be caught so easily. He leapt into the pot plants, sending them toppling one way and then another, soil spilling in all directions.

  Meanwhile, Arantcha hurried over to the old man. ‘Señor Le Blacas,’ she simpered, ‘the hotel cannot apologise enough for this appalling incident. Allow me to immediately sponge your trousers.’

  The Doctor watched the scene in utter horror. He had always believed that animals, like humans, would behave reasonably if they were treated well, yet here was Sniffage, with no provocation, causing complete pandemonium. It was throwing his scientific theories into chaos.

  It was also throwing the lobby into chaos. Miguel’s pursuit of Sniffage was far from nimble, and any plant that Sniffage had neglected to topple over the concierge did instead as he desperately tried to get a hold on the crazy dog. Sniffage charged back and forth across the lobby, barking joyfully. This was even more fun than finding a dead smelly thing and Sniffage hadn’t thought there was anything more fun than that.

  Finally, however, the concierge, red-faced and with one torn tasselled lapel hanging awkwardly from his uniform, cornered Sniffage.

  ‘Hah!’ he said triumphantly to the trapped dog. ‘Now I will kick you into the street like a –’

  But Sniffage took Miguel by surprise and sprang forward, straight at the concierge.

  ‘Oh!’ Miguel shouted as Sniffage slipped through his legs.

  On the other side of the room, Arantcha was still tending to Señor Le Blacas.

  Adam followed Sniffage, slipping past the concierge while he was still cursing the dog for escaping. They fled down the front steps and waited round the corner for the Doctor to emerge from the hotel.

  Worse was to come.

  PHEEEEEEP!

  Officer Grivas, whistle in mouth, dashed down the street and up the staircase into the lobby. Inside, the concierge had a grip of iron on the Doctor’s right arm.

  ‘Look, my good man,’ the Doctor was saying. ‘I’m very sorry, but it was all a complete accident and . . .’

  He spotted Officer Grivas staring at him and stopped talking.

  ‘This man has disturbed the peace of a hotel lobby,’ Arantcha informed the policeman.

  ‘Which piece?’ said Officer Grivas.

  ‘All of it.’ She indicated the general chaos.

  The Doctor sighed. ‘I suppose I have earned another on-the-spot fine.’

  ‘If the hotel had less than four stars you would be right,’ said Officer Grivas, advancing with an evil grin on his face. ‘But for a four-and-a-half star hotel the punishment is a night in the cells.’

  .

  CHAPTER 12

  ‘I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. A night in prison. A poor old man traumatised, his trousers stained. Innocent pot plants upended. The apology and the money I immediately handed over will be scant compensation for the stress you have caused.’

  It was the next morning. The Doctor had just returned to the Ark of the Parabola and Adam and Sniffage were being told off.

  ‘Have I not always told you that in order to get others to treat animals with respect it is important to avoid the kind of stereotypical behaviour which permits people to think that animals are lower forms of life?’

  ‘But –’ Adam began.

  ‘No, Adam,’ said the Doctor. ‘There is no excuse for it. When Sniffage starts charging round a hotel, it feeds into the prejudices of those who regard dogs as dangerous. And don’t say that you had nothing to do with it, because I know you connived with Sniffage in this appalling display. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.’

  ‘But –’ Adam tried again.

  ‘I agree with the Doctor,’ said Simia, who had been watching the telling-off and was eager to offer her views. ‘Creatures like you two let the rest of us down.’

  ‘Creatures like the four of you are keeping me awake,’ yowled Malibu from his barrel. ‘I am running a big winks deficit over here.’

  ‘But –’ began Adam.

  ‘I don’t want to hear another word,’ said the Doctor. ‘I couldn’t be more disappointed in you both.’

  Adam reached under his jumper and pulled out a sheet of paper, which he dropped on the table in front of the Doctor. ‘It’s the top page of the hotel register. I slipped behind the desk and ripped it out while Sniffage was distracting everybody.’

  The Doctor was speechless.

  ‘You mean,’ he said after a shocked silence, ‘that not only have you vandalised the property of others, but you have also used deception in order to do so? This is your grandfather’s influence.’

  ‘I’ve never met him,’ Adam pointed out. ‘So how could he influence me?’

  ‘I meant his genetic influence,’ said the Doctor, ‘wired deep in your DNA. Believe me, it is not a good sign.’

  But as he spoke, the Doctor eyed the torn page keenly.

  ‘Leave it with me,’ he said gruffly. ‘I don’t trust you to be responsible for anything!’

  There was a sudden fluttering above them and, with a clunk, Vlad landed on the deck. The Doctor rushed over to the bat.

  ‘Are you all right, Vlad?’

  ‘Blood!’ gasped Vlad. ‘I need blood.’

  ‘Adam,’ said the Doctor, ‘Vlad needs some blood.’

  ‘I haven’t got any.’

  ‘You have approximately four litres circulating your body as I speak.’

  ‘I’d like it to stay there.’

  ‘Don’t be so sentimental. You know any blood you spill will soon be replaced. Get a knife, cut your finger and dribble the blood into a cup.’

  Reluctantly, Adam did as he was told.

  Meanwhile Vlad decided that he was dying.

  ‘I . . . would like . . . to make . . . a will,’ he informed the Doctor between squeaks of pain.

  ‘You don’t have anything to leave,’ Doctor Forest pointed out.

  ‘I have my sombrero,’ the bat insisted indignantly, temporarily forgetting his squeaks of pain.

  ‘Hurry up with that blood, Adam,’ said the Doctor.

  ‘I would like to leave my sombrero to my sister,’ continued Vlad. ‘You will find her hanging upside down in a deserted mine shaft somewhere near La Paz.’

  ‘Thanks for the precise directions,’ said the Doctor.

  ‘And now,’ said Vlad, preparing himself bravely, ‘I must go to the great bat cave in the sky.’ And he closed his eyes.

  Adam arrived with the cup.

  Vlad opened one eye.

  ‘Is that fresh blood I smell?’

  Adam nodded.

  ‘I am too far gone now to recover but perhaps if you were to tip it towards my fangs, then I would have one last drink to soothe me on my way.’

  Adam tipped the cup towards the bat’s mouth. He couldn’t help shuddering when Vlad’s fangs shot out greedily to suck up the blood. Whatever the Doctor said, there was something altogether unpleasant about it.

  ‘Mmm,’ said Vlad, licking the last dribble from his fangs. ‘Remind me what year you were born.’

  Adam told him.

  ‘An excellent year,’ Vlad remarked, evidently having made a complete recovery. ‘Full-bodied and rich with fruity overtones.�
�

  ‘As you seem to have revived,’ interrupted the Doctor, ‘perhaps you could tell us what you found out about the location of the Dreadful Alarm.’

  ‘My life dangles yet on a thin thread,’ cautioned Vlad. ‘But I suppose we may hope that I’ll pull through.’

  ‘Tell me’ There was steel in the Doctor’s tone. Vlad decided to answer with uncharacteristic speed.

  ‘I honed in on the sonar waves from the alarm and followed them inland as fast as I could. They led me over the city and into the hills beyond, and just as I felt I was about to locate the source of the alarm it ceased. By now, the sun had weakened me so much I could barely go on. Nonetheless, I perservered.’

  ‘So you know where the alarm is coming from!’ cried Adam excitedly.

  ‘Not exactly,’ admitted Vlad. ‘Once the alarm had ceased, the echoes could only give me an approximate location. But if you find the fairground in the hills – it will not be far.’

  ‘Thank you, Vlad,’ said the Doctor.

  Vlad saw he had the attention of the others and decided to bleed it for all it was worth.

  ‘I hope,’ the bat said dramatically, ‘that I can find a way to recover from this traumatic near-death experience.’

  ‘I can recommend a therapist in LA,’ Malibu drawled. ‘He helped me through some issues.’

  ‘What issues?’ said Adam.

  ‘I wasn’t sleeping well,’ Malibu explained. ‘Sometimes only sixteen hours a day. It all went back to my relationship with my mom apparently. You see –’

  ‘Shouldn’t we go there right away?’ Adam cut in, turning to the Doctor.

  ‘Not so fast,’ his father said. ‘We need to gather more intelligence on the precise location. This would be far easier from the air.’

  ‘But we can’t fly,’ pointed out Adam.

  ‘And I’m not going,’ announced Vlad. ‘I’m exhausted. I’m going to hang upside down until I feel better.’

  ‘I wasn’t thinking of you,’ said the Doctor.

  Adam guessed who he was thinking about. There were only two other Arkonauts who could fly.

  ‘Gogo,’ he called. ‘Pozzo!’

  Two green parrots fluttered down from the crow’s nest, where they had been perched.

  ‘Nice to see you,’ squawked Gogo, who had a slightly bigger beak.

  ‘To see you nice,’ added Pozzo, who was a slightly lighter green. Unlike the other animal Arkonauts, the parrots could speak human language.

  ‘Hello,’ said the Doctor. ‘We need you –’

  ‘I say, I say, I say!’ Gogo continued. ‘What’s the difference between a bag of millet and a drunken magpie?’

  ‘That’s –’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Pozzo. ‘What’s the difference between a bag of millet and a drunken magpie?’

  ‘One’s bird seed and the other’s a seedy bird.’

  Both parrots looked expectantly at the others. None of them smiled.

  ‘That one might need some more work,’ conceded Gogo.

  Gogo and Pozzo had joined the ship in Jamaica. They had escaped from a birdcage which hung in the bar of a small comedy club. Despite being parrots, they were convinced they could make it big in show business and so spent most of their days high in the rigging of the Ark of the Parabola, honing their double act.

  ‘No more jokes,’ commanded the Doctor. ‘I need you to do something. This is very important.’

  Gogo and Pozzo decided to shut up and listen.

  ‘First, I need you to find the Buenos Sueños fairground. There is a large feral population of parrots in Buenos Sueños. Talk to them. Find out whether they have seen anything unusual recently. Somewhere near there is the location of the alarm that has been disturbing the city. It is vital that we find the alarm’s source!’

  Gogo looked at Pozzo. ‘I’ve heard of tomato sauce.’

  Pozzo looked at Gogo. ‘I’ve heard of chilli sauce.’

  They both looked at the Doctor. ‘But we’ve never heard of alarm sauce.’

  Each joke added a new wrinkle to the Doctor’s already furrowed brow. Deciding that they were pushing their luck, Gogo and Pozzo both bobbed their heads to Adam and the Doctor and rose into the sky, fast becoming little green blurs which darted across the city in search of the fairground.

  ‘What do we do now?’ said Adam. ‘Just wait for them to get back?’

  ‘Of course not,’ said the Doctor. ‘We must go through the hotel register.’

  ‘But I thought you were too annoyed with the way I got it to use it,’ said Adam mischievously.

  The Doctor gave his son a hard look.

  ‘I do not approve of what you have done,’ he said, picking up the page, ‘but, in the circumstances, I am prepared to overlook it.’

  ‘Fine,’ snapped Adam. ‘I’m going out.’

  .

  CHAPTER 13

  Adam stomped off the boat, feeling that life was very unfair. It was one thing for the Doctor to tell him off for the chaos he’d caused in the hotel, another thing entirely to tell him off for doing it to get the hotel register, and then to go and use it without saying thank you.

  Something touched his leg.

  Sniffage.

  ‘Yeah! Yeah!’ barked the dog. ‘Going for a walk without me! You’d hate it! There’d be no dead things!’

  Despite his bad mood, Adam smiled. Sniffage would never let him down.

  In the streets, people scuttled past him, yawning and grumpy. They had bags and dark shadows under their eyes. The Dreadful Alarm was certainly having an ever-increasing effect on the citizens of Buenos Sueños, and it wasn’t a good one. There were clunks, bangs and curses echoing up and down the street as people bumped into one another, dropped items of shopping or walked into doors by mistake.

  ‘Watch it, can’t you?’

  ‘Get out of my way.’

  ‘I’ve dropped a mango in the gutter.’

  ‘Your dog’s eating my mango.’

  ‘Sniffage! Regurgitate that lady’s fruit.’

  Phrases like these, spoken in tired, angry voices, followed Adam as he picked his way through the city. The people were exhausted and it was showing in their mood. Adam told Sniffage to stay as close as possible to him.

  It was funny, he reflected, but Buenos Sueños was much easier to walk through when you weren’t actually intending to go anywhere. You could ignore the signs pointing in all directions and just pick a road at random, which is how Adam turned one way, then another, to find himself in a tiny deserted square that the sun just managed to squeeze into.

  It was surprising it was empty, because it was the most beautiful square Adam had come across in all of Buenos Sueños. In the centre an elegant fountain trickled water, and cooling shade was provided by three tall palm trees. In one corner there was a café with tables outside, but they were all deserted.

  Sniffage was not so impressed.

  ‘Yeah! Yeah! No bad smells,’ he barked. ‘Let’s go somewhere else.’

  But Adam was happy to stay a little longer. Above him he heard shrill bird calls. He looked up. Flying at the level of the highest houses in the square were dozens of swifts, their neat, dark bodies swooping and veering in all directions. It was a fantastic sight. The birds were catching insects on the wing, which they then fed to their chicks, nestled in the eaves of the tall buildings surrounding the square. Adam knew swifts love to fly and hate to land – even sleeping in the air. The only thing that will make them land, and even then just for a moment, is feeding their chicks. So within a second they were back in the air.

  Adam wanted to say hello. He knew the Doctor’s rules about only using the ability to talk to animals when it was absolutely necessary and never when anybody might see. All right, it wasn’t strictly necessary now, b
ut there was nobody around and, anyway, what was the point of being able to talk to animals if the only place you got to do it was on board the Ark of the Parabola?

  Adam took one more look about him to check that Sniffage was the only creature, apart from the swifts, within earshot. Then he took a deep breath and in bird language cried, ‘Hello!’

  The surprised swifts froze mid-flight and looked down.

  ‘Hello!’ repeated Adam.

  The swifts realised they were all about to plummet to the ground and promptly flapped their wings again. And they started talking.

  ‘Hello!’

  ‘Hello!’

  ‘Hello!’

  ‘How are you?’

  ‘Where did you learn our language?’

  ‘Is that your dog with its head in a bin?’

  They were bombarding him with questions now. This was one of the hazards of talking to creatures who travelled in flocks: they had developed sophisticated methods of having multiple conversations at once, a skill that creatures who only moved alone or in small groups, like humans, lacked.

  ‘Hello! Well! On a boat! What bin?’ cried Adam, answering the questions as fast as he could.

  ‘Can you fly?’

  ‘Why don’t you have a beak?’

  ‘Where’s your feathers?’

  This was undoubtedly the first time a human had ever spoken to them and it was not surprising that they were so interested. Now they swooped and dived around Adam, shrieking more and more questions.

  ‘Have you got any flies?’

  ‘Do you go south for the winter?’

  ‘Why are humans always sitting down?’

  ‘I think your dog has got his head stuck.’

  ‘Hang on,’ said Adam, as a swift fluttered past his face, while another perched briefly on his head. ‘One at a time.’

  His mind was whirling as he tried to order his answers. Maybe talking to the swifts wasn’t such a good idea after all. Suddenly, all the swirling dust and feathers gave Adam a violent urge to sneeze.

  ‘Achoo!’

  PHEEEEEEEEEP! PHEEEEEEEEEEEEP!