Sara quickly wiped her eyes on her sleeve in an attempt to hide her tears. ‘I just wanted to borrow some milk.’ Her voice was shaky as she felt swept back to the life they had once shared.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.’
After that neither said anything for a few moments.
Tom was trying not to see the sadness in Sara’s eyes. He knew she would feel emotional being surrounded by all their past possessions. He had never expected her to see the house.
Sara just sat staring at Tom. There was so much she wanted to tell him, but so much she couldn’t.
‘Sara...’ He broke off for a moment and tried to summon his thoughts. ‘I haven’t been living with all of this,’ he said, gesturing to the furniture.
Her expression was puzzled as he spoke because she didn’t understand.
He settled himself into the armchair opposite her and ran his hands nervously over the huge padded armrests. ‘I don’t live here. This is my spare place. This is where I store everything. For the last three years I’ve been living the other side, where you are now.’
Sara was even more confused. ‘Then why didn’t you say so earlier? Why didn’t you let me move in here?’
‘I felt embarrassed,’ he admitted. ‘I’d held onto all of this and you’d moved on. I thought you might think it peculiar of me to have kept everything, even after we were over. You didn’t want anything when you left and for some strange reason I couldn’t part with it.’
Sara sighed as she gently stroked the arms of the chair and then surveyed the room again.
‘If you’ve changed your mind and want anything, please take it. It’s yours to have, anything at all,’ Tom said, interrupting her thoughts.
Sara bit her lip as she stopped herself from telling him that all she wanted in that room was him. Not furniture, or paintings or ornaments. Tom Fielding, the man, was all she ever wanted.
Tom wasn’t sure how Sara felt. He knew she had plans he couldn’t change but he hoped that for a while at least they could still keep in touch. He loved every minute he spent with her. That would never change. And until she met someone else, perhaps they could share more time together.
‘I was thinking,’ he began, as the awkwardness subsided. ‘Maybe I could visit you in Texas over Christmas. That is, if you’re not flying back to be with your family. But if you’re over in a new country and wanting some company, I could check out America for a week or so. I’d have to renew my passport, but if you’d like to spend Christmas with me—’
‘Stop it,’ she cried out. ‘Just stop.’
Sara felt her mind whirling very fast. The thought of Tom visiting and finding her six or seven months pregnant was too much to deal with. The room, Tom, the baby, it was all crashing in around her.
‘You can’t visit me.’
‘Okay, okay,’ he replied, in shock at her terse response. ‘I just thought...’
Sara couldn’t hold it in any longer. She hadn’t wanted to tell him but everything came rushing out, and she found herself close to tears.
‘You can’t come over because I won’t be in Texas at Christmas or ever. I’m not going there any more. I’m going back to Adelaide to be with my family. I’m moving home to live, permanently.’
Tom looked confused and worried. ‘Are they all right? Is there something I should know?’
‘Yes, Tom, there is something you should know...’ Sara paused for a moment. Her heart was pounding, her stomach tightening by the second. Her world was suddenly and completely out of control as the words rushed from her lips. ‘I’m pregnant, Tom. I’m having your baby.’
Tom slumped back in stunned silence. He had never thought he would hear those words from Sara. He had never thought he would hear those words from any woman. He had resigned himself to never being a father. His whole world had just changed in an instant. He was shocked to the core. Sara was having a baby. His baby. She was carrying their child. And he knew it would be a beautiful child if it was anything like Sara.
He wanted to rush over and pull her into his arms and kiss her and tell her it was the most wonderful news. But he couldn’t. He had to fight his natural instinct, to resist the strongest desire to be with the mother of his child and to protect and love her. He couldn’t do either. It wasn’t wonderful news. Not to him.
‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’ she asked, not totally surprised by his silence.
He walked over to the window and pulled back the curtains. He was shaking inside. From the moment he’d seen Sara in the restaurant that fateful night, he’d wanted to be with her more than anything he had ever wanted. And now, knowing she was having his baby, he wanted that even more. But he couldn’t.
He wouldn’t allow himself to share that joy, knowing Heath would never feel the same happiness. Now it wasn’t just Sara he had to turn away from, he had to turn away from two people he loved more than life itself. And he hated it that he could never know his own child. They would never meet.
The street was lit by the amber lights and it gave a strange hue to the living room. Sara could see his hand clenching the curtain but still he said nothing.
‘Tom, I’m not asking anything from you,’ she said honestly, and in not much more than a whisper. ‘I know how you feel and I can do this alone. You asked if there was something you should know. Well, there is and this is it. We’re going to be parents but I can do it alone. I will move back to Adelaide and get a place near my family. I’ll be fine. You don’t have to have any part in our child’s life, unless you want to.’ She rested her hands protectively across her stomach.
He turned to look at her in silence. She was even more beautiful. Perhaps because she was pregnant, perhaps because it was just because he knew she was carrying his child.
Tom fought the urge to pull her to him. To wrap his arms around her and tell her that he would protect her for ever. To tell her that he would take care of her, and their baby. But he looked across at the woman who would hold his heart for ever and he knew it would go against everything he believed in. He needed to take responsibility for what he had done to his brother. That would never go away. It was the price he had to pay. And now it was the price they all had to pay. It wasn’t fair. Sara and the baby were innocent of any wrongdoing.
His silence was making her feel more uncomfortable by the minute.
Finally he opened up. His soul was being ripped apart but his answer was unwavering. He was steeling himself to push her away. ‘You know how I feel about having a child. I explained everything the other night, I opened up about Heath, about the accident, about everything, and you never said a word? Why not then? Why now? Why here in this room?’
Sara was taken aback by the barrage of questions. ‘Because I didn’t know.’
‘And you’re absolutely sure you’re pregnant?’
‘The HCG blood pregnancy test results came back positive three days ago.’
‘And you waited this long to tell me?’ he asked with confusion in his eyes. ‘Three days and you said nothing. There were plenty of opportunities to let me know, Sara. What’s different now?’
‘Nothing, absolutely nothing. In fact, I wish I hadn’t told you at all!’
Sara ran from his house into her bedroom, slamming the adjoining door shut and locking it behind her.
Tom stood in stunned silence. Alone. He was angry. So very angry with himself. For what he was doing to Sara. For the accident with Heath all those years ago. And now for being careless and allowing Sara to fall pregnant. For putting her in the position of having a child that he would never raise.
He knocked on her door.
‘We need to talk about this properly. I can’t talk to you from the other side of a door.’
He could hear the sound of muffled crying.
‘Sara, we can work it out. I will cover
the costs of raising the child, I will help in whatever way I can but I can’t live with you and raise this child with you. I just can’t be the child’s father.’
Sara lay there, listening to the sound of Tom walking away. An overwhelming feeling of sadness engulfed her. One fateful night, when serendipity had brought them together, was now tearing them apart.
* * *
The next morning, without saying another word to Sara, Tom left for work early. He needed to keep his distance until Sara left. It was for the best.
He loved Sara with all of his heart. His feelings for her were not in question. But he also knew he wanted more than anything to be the man she needed. To be the father of her child. Not just in name, or financial assistance, but to be the one holding her hand and wiping her brow when their child came into the world. The one to get up in the night and rock their restless baby back to sleep. To take him or her to their first day at school, to sport, to music lessons and everything that Sara had talked about. But he couldn’t.
He knew that Sara would be a good mother. And he would ensure the child was provided for financially. The best school, the best medical care if it was needed, the best of everything. But nothing more. He could not be the father she wanted him to be.
He knew he had to let her go. In a few days she would be on a plane and starting a new life with their child. Without him.
CHAPTER TWELVE
SARA DID NOT see or hear from Tom over the next two days. They had managed to avoid each other. She ate her dinner alone. She was leaving on an early evening flight the next day and this was the last night she would be in the house. Sara thought back to the times they had spent together, the tears and passion, the shared memories and professional admiration. The love. She had enjoyed being back in Tom’s life, even though it had been only for a little while.
Tom’s attitude was noble but cold. Telling her that he would take care of her financially. She didn’t want any money from him. She would take care of herself and the baby very well on her own. Financial assistance wasn’t what she needed.
But his skewed sense of responsibility wouldn’t allow him to be a part of his child’s life. The child they had created. The child she would carry for the next eight months. She was pregnant by the man she had loved for so very long and it should have been the happiest time in her life, but instead she was planning her life as a single mother.
* * *
But she didn’t have time to throw a pity party for herself. She had to move on. And this time for good. No looking back. It would be months before she started to show. She could work until she was six months or even longer. She couldn’t tell Marjorie about the pregnancy. She didn’t want to explain any of it. She had one more day to work and then she’d be gone. One day of surgery. She had a short morning list and nothing scheduled for the afternoon. The theatre staff were clearly worried when she entered the scrub room.
‘Is he operating with you?’ the younger of the nurses asked, with wide eyes.
‘Do you mean the other Dr Fielding?’
The girl nodded.
Sara shook her head.
The whole operating team gave a sigh of relief and started chatting happily.
‘He was like a bull with a sore backside yesterday,’ the senior nurse whispered into her ear, as she held the surgical gloves for Sara to slide her hands into. ‘We’ve never seen him like this. No one wants to work with him.’
Sara looked over her shoulder but there was no sign of the man. She knew in her heart that there wouldn’t be. Tom didn’t want to see her again, let alone work with her.
‘Hi,’ came a friendly voice. ‘Guess what? I get to assist you today. If that’s all right with you? I mean, if you’d rather someone—’
Sara didn’t have to turn round to know that Nigel was her assisting intern. ‘Welcome to the team, Nigel,’ she said, as they entered the theatre. For Sara it would be the last time.
The first patient on the list had impacted wisdom teeth. Confident her patient was under the effects of the anaesthetic, Sara began the routine procedure to remove the offending teeth and to suture and pack the sockets. Nigel assisted and took direction well. Sara considered him a competent young surgeon but working with Nigel couldn’t come close to being in the surgery with Tom. She knew the comparison was unfair.
Tom had years of experience and Nigel was just beginning his medical career. But it was the way they knew each other’s next move. The way Tom’s skilled hands would work alongside hers as if their fingers were conversing. As if they shared a single thought. She pulled her gloves and cap free as she took a break following the first patient, just sitting quietly for a few moments. She felt tired but knew after the first trimester the fatigue would be more than likely to pass.
The morning went by without any problems. The cases were all straightforward and Sara was pleased with each and every result. Nigel was chirpy and eager to learn from her. They had finished the last by twelve and after changing into her street clothes and checking her patients in the high-dependency wards she said goodbye to the staff and was gone by one-thirty, heading home to collect her bags and catch her early evening flight in just over four hours’ time.
With tears threatening to fall, Sara locked the front door to her home. Her eyes dropped to the crystal slipper in her trembling hand. With one foot nervously placed in front of the other, she took slow steps to his front door. Her chin quivered as she put the slipper and keys in a white envelope and laid it beside his doormat.
With knees bent, she broke down and slumped in tears at his door.
The sound of the taxi’s horn brought her to her senses. She wiped her eyes and slipped on her dark sunglasses. The sky was clear blue and, although it was cold, it was bright enough to warrant this disguise.
Sara had planned one stop before she left. She thought she owed Marjorie a goodbye and a thank you.
‘I’ll miss you,’ Marjorie told her. ‘Are you sure we can’t change your mind about staying?’
Sara had managed to bring her breathing to a steady pace and control her emotions. She wanted to keep it that way.
‘No. I’m afraid not. You see, I’ve made plans to see Paris and then set up a practice back in Adelaide. I miss my family and I think it’s the right time to be with them.’
‘I suppose Melbourne can’t compete with the sights and sounds of Paris,’ the woman conceded. ‘When do you leave?’
‘The plane leaves in just over four hours so I must go—’
‘Have a good flight.’ Tom’s husky voice cut in.
Sara spun round to find him standing very close to her. She wanted to reach out and hold him, to touch his face and feel his arms around her. But he kept a distance between them and she did the same.
‘I went home and found you’d left so I thought I’d come in and tidy up.’ He took a step back as she turned and she knew better than to close the even bigger space he had created.
With tears moistening her cheeks, she looked across at the man she loved. Marjorie left them alone and busied herself in her office, closing the door behind her to give them privacy to say goodbye.
‘I hope I’ve left everything in order.’
‘I’m sure you have.’ He said nothing about the tears, which he couldn’t have missed.
‘Take care, Tom.’
‘You too, Sara, and if you need anything just call.’ Tom wanted to hold her but he knew that it would break him. He would make a promise he couldn’t keep, just so she would stay a little while longer. That would be selfish. ‘I’ll stay in touch and when the time comes I will provide you with whatever you need or want. I promise you.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ she reassured him. But she wouldn’t turn to face him. She didn’t want to look into his deep grey eyes. It was over. Finally over. He clearly had no problem with her leaving.<
br />
She had no idea what she would be doing in a month. Except trying to start a life somewhere without him.
‘Sara, you will never want for anything.’
Except for a husband and a father, she thought as she walked away.
Squaring her shoulders the way she had when she’d first arrived, Sara made her way to the door. She knew Tom was watching her. She willed him to chase after her and ask her to stay.
He didn’t.
He let her go.
* * *
Tom stood by the window of his office, thinking about nothing but Sara. He had tried to distract himself with paperwork. It hadn’t worked. So he’d walked to the window where he had been standing staring at the same static view for the best part of an hour.
It was worse, much worse, he decided, losing Sara a second time. And now he wasn’t just losing Sara. He was losing much more.
Sara would be raising a child who was a part of him. It tore at his heart that he wouldn’t be there with them both.
Tom paced in front of the office window. He didn’t want to think about Sara raising the child alone. He wanted to be with her. To hold her and their child every day for the rest of his life. He felt an aching regret for all he had said, and all he hadn’t. How he had just let her leave. He couldn’t live without her. But his brother weighed heavily on his mind too. He felt trapped.
Standing there alone in his office, Tom suddenly realised he couldn’t do it. His heart was breaking. She deserved so much more. She deserved to be loved.
He had to stop her.
He couldn’t and wouldn’t let her go. Not this time.
He had to tell his brother. He had to face those demons from his past and apologise for the hurt he had inflicted. He had to admit his responsibility but tell Heath that now, after all these years, he had another responsibility that he would not walk away from. A far greater responsibility.
Tom finally realised that nothing he did would reverse the result of their actions as teenagers. Sara was right. He would let Heath know he was about to become an uncle and accept whatever Heath wanted to say, good or bad. He couldn’t sacrifice Sara and the baby for the sake of a few brief moments that had gone terribly wrong so many years ago. Sara had told him she wouldn’t make any more sacrifices, and he wouldn’t let her.
Back in Her Husband's Arms Page 15
