Laid 2 Rest: Two Halves of a Whole

by Melanie Rose

  “Love, I don’t understand. What are you talking about?” He went to touch my leg, but I cringed at the mere thought of it, stopping him in mid-movement.

  “Luke, please don’t call me that,” I whispered slowly, embarrassed by my behavior.

  Him calling me “Love” felt like a betrayal to Jay for some odd reason that I couldn’t even begin to fathom. Only he was allowed to address me as such and hearing Luke call me that, felt wrong on so many levels.

  “Alright… if that’s what you really want. Why are you acting like this all of a sudden? What did I say wrong? Do wrong?”

  “That’s the problem right there. You see, you didn’t say or do anything wrong. It’s all on me. I did this, not you! It has always been my fault and I take full responsibility for everything that is going to happen to us down the road.” I confessed even though he had no idea what I was babbling on about.

  This may very well be the only chance I get to mend fences with him, so I wanted to get all my words just right. My heart couldn’t bear to recall that I would break this poor boy in two soon, but I was hesitant to make any more adjustments to my past now that I was fully aware of how its impact could jeopardize my present. I wouldn’t be able to survive losing anyone else special to me.

  Caught in an impossible situation, I bowed out altogether. I’ll let him decide his own fate; he’ll have to choose what’s best for him and then we would simply go from there.

  Swallowing what was left of my pride, I stated, “I’m going to tell you a story and I want you to tell me how it should end, alright. Can you do that for me?” I said still not looking at him, but out at the dark water before me.

  “I’ll try,” he told me nervously.

  Keeping my eyes transfixed out to sea, unable to look at him, I began my tale. “Sometime in the not so distant future, an emotionally damaged girl is going to call a good-hearted boy and worm her way back into his world after she had used and took him for granted over the entire course of their relationship. This boy was so kind that the girl took and took until there was nothing more she could take and then threw him away like a used dirty tissue when she was done with him. This girl moved on with some jerk shortly afterwards and soon found herself pregnant, but was forced to abort the baby by its father... thirteen weeks later.

  It was the biggest mistake of her young life. For some reason, the girl had managed to convince herself that if she got pregnant again that it would correct the decision she made to terminate the pregnancy. She had suffered alone without anyone to help her through her sorrow and soon came up with a plan that would cause more pain than good, but couldn’t necessarily see it at the time.

  One night, she took full advantage of that good-hearted boy’s feelings because she knew that he was still hopelessly in love with her and ended up seducing him in an attempt to re-impregnate herself again. She didn’t care who the new father of her baby would end up being and doubted if she would have ever told him anyways. After she took what she wanted from him, she disappeared as quickly as she had arrived, leaving him without even a note while he was in the shower.

  He didn’t hear from the girl again until a couple of years later. He never knew why or what truly happened that last night that they had spent together. The girl’s mind was so twisted and warped that she believed all men to be evil and controlling. That they wanted to hold the power over her. She was in such a dark place then that she didn’t realize or understand that the good-hearted boy had been one-of-a-kind. That he wasn’t the same kind of son-of-a-bitch like that other jerk had been! She didn’t know how she had put them in the same category to begin with, but before the girl could explain that she was a mess and was able to take back what she had done to him, the boy moved away to start a new life for himself.

  That girl always regretted her actions, but never had the courage to make it right when she could. She didn’t become pregnant like she had hoped, so she moved onto the next victim on her list. Luke, if you were that good-hearted boy… what would you want that girl to do if she had the chance to make things right with you? Would you want a confession even though years have probably went by? In the back of your mind, would it still bother you after all of this time? Would you have walked away from the girl altogether if you were forewarned well in advance that she was mentally unstable? What would your advice be to that boy and girl exactly?”

  He thought quietly for only a minute or two before answering. “If I were that boy and I really cared about that girl, I would hope that I could have gotten her to trust me enough to confide in me instead of keeping something that awful bottled up inside to try to cope with all on her own. Her pain had turned into rage. No one should go thru something like that alone and be expected to come out sane. I wouldn’t of walk away from her if she had told me the truth from the get go… even if I had to step back from that relationship to take on more of a friendship role while we worked her issues out. I would like to think that I would have become whatever she needed me to be at that time; I would have been compelled to help her get past the pain… the betrayal, the anger. Helped her to see that all men aren’t the same. That some of us can be trusted and counted upon.

  I don’t think she meant to hurt the boy, I mean me. If things did however get that far and she wanted to explain things to me later on in life, I would listen, but she didn’t need to carry around year’s worth of guilt because of it. For starters, it wasn’t her fault that she ended up in that dark place. Her actions were a crazy form of a cry for help. She was reaching out the only way she knew how, but I guess I didn’t read the signs right. I may have been hurt or confused at first, but I don’t think that I would have hated her for it. In fact, more than likely, I would probably be asking myself how things could have been different between us. What I could have done to MAKE things different for us? If she was to approach me after all these years, I think I would be relieved to finally hear her side of the story. It would put my mind at ease from always wondering… what if.

  I wouldn’t forgive her though, because there isn’t anything to forgive. She wasn’t to blame. She was a victim of some guy’s cruelty and I think that I would have understood and not held it against her in the end. You know what I mean, jellybean?”

  Huh, I have never thought of it that way before. A cry for help. A victim!

  Wow, Luke was so wise to be so young. “You’re a good man, Luke. I would even go as far to call you good-hearted (hoping he would make the connection). Please try to look deep inside of me. You will have to search to find my true self that I’ve hidden away from the world, but I’m still in there somewhere, buried deep. With your help and reassurance maybe I can break free from the darkness before I drown in it.” I cupped the sides of his handsome face with both hands and drew his lips to mines, kissing him softly. Pulling away slightly to look deep into his heavy-lidded eyes, I said, “I’m so sorry, Luke. I never meant to cause you any pain or suffering. I did love you. Please know that… always!”

  I snapped awake in my hammock with a jolt. I had to steady myself to keep from flipping over and landing on the hard gravel beneath me. My breathing was heavy, but at least my head didn’t hurt.

  Yet!

  I lay there for a while thinking about what Luke had told me. He said that he wouldn’t have hated me. That I wouldn’t of needed his forgiveness… that he would have understood. I only hoped that Luke figured out what I was trying to tell him in the first place and realize that I was the girl in the story.

  I didn’t have to wait long to get my answers. Before I knew it, the memory formed in my brain. Luke did put two and two together after my little visit to the beach. He stopped pursuing a relationship with me and became a shoulder to lean on instead after I graduated from high school. He helped me break free from the darkness after all.

  However, this memory faded as quickly as it came since I had changed that part of my life already on my last visit to the past. The incident with Luke never took place. I never had an abortion to begin wit
h since I had broken up with Able so I couldn’t have been in a dark place while dating Luke.

  What was the purpose of this trip then?

  You know I’m still waiting for that darn handbook right?

  I always revisited something in my past that I wished I could have changed. But with Luke, it was already changed. This meant that I wasn’t supposed to resolve something this particular time around. This trip was solely just for me… for my own peace of mind. I had been given the chance to receive an answer to one of my thousand of unanswered questions that I have accumulated in my lifetime. It was as if someone wanted to make me whole again. Someone wanted me to deal with all my past regrets….big and small... bit by bit. I was being watched over by someone and it was very comforting to me. I’d built up such a thick layer of skin around me that only a handful of people knew the real me.

  “With each trip, a layer comes off,” I said to myself, finally having an epiphany. I was being cleansed for something. My slate was being wiped clean. Something was coming, but what….

  Headed into the house more confident than I had felt in weeks, I picked up the phone and called Jay before he could call me worried. If I were right about our connection being severed while I was on my little trips, then he would be calling me any minute now.

  “How are you?” he asked when he answered.

  “I’m better. Thanks. I was just thinking about you, so I picked up the phone and dialed.”

  “I didn’t happen to be naked was I?”

  “NO, Pleez! What were you doing before I called?”

  “Thinking about you,” he paused before adding, “Naked!”

  “Stop playing or I’m hanging up.”

  “Okay, okay. I’ll play nice... for now.”

  We talked for a long while. He was so happy to hear some life return to my voice. I knew that the loss of KJ would pain me always, but I could see the clouds starting to part now. It was time to pick up the pieces and move forward. Time to let go and heal. Luke’s kind words had allowed me that.

  Apparently, I had to reassess some things.

  Without a job to occupy my life, I had a lot of free time on my hands. I’ve worked ever since I was fourteen so I felt that I deserved a little time off to kick up my heels and relax. I was entitled to a little break every now and again, weren’t I? Some long overdue time away from home to replenish my weakened spirit was what I truly needed.

  There now… that’s a wonderful idea.

  I’ll head out and indulge in a nice long vacation somewhere. Just go out there and see the world. Why not? I have nothing holding me back right now. Why not run away to some distant land to lick my wounds and I knew just who I wanted to take along with me.

  Picking up the phone again, I swallowed hard, and called the person I had avoided for the past three weeks.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  MAYA SOUNDED THE SAME AS ever. She had absolutely no idea that she was actually short one child. I guess it would be somewhat hard to miss something you don’t remember giving birth. Three weeks had gone by and I still couldn’t decide if telling her was the right thing to do or not. Only time would tell.

  I probed her to see if she had any vacation time saved up. Turned out that she had quite a bit accumulated since she’d worked at the same hospital job for almost sixteen years. Easter was coming up fast, so I found out what days the girls would be off for spring break and then filled her in on our travel plans.

  Even if she didn’t want to go with me, I was going to drag her ass along anyways. I felt that I owed her something. An all expense paid trip could hardly make up for erasing one of her children, but even you would have to admit that it was a nice place to start. Luckily, I didn’t have to do much convincing. She loved the idea and had no problem tagging along.

  “Where should we go? Hawaii, Jamaica, Mexico. What sounds good to you?” she asked, excited to get away and disappear as much as I was.

  “It’ll be spring break so I don’t want to go anywhere infested with drunken college kids! I’m not in the mood to see any girls go wild.”

  “What about Vegas?”

  “No. I want to try something different for a change. Something I’ve never done before. I know. What do you think about going on a cruise?” The idea magically popping into my mind suddenly.

  “Hey, I like that idea. Cruises are so much fun.”

  “Let me see what’s still available and I’ll call you back in a few days. Please tell me you have a current passport.”

  I hung up the phone and immediately hopped online to see if I could come across any last-minute travel specials. When I resurfaced, I had a nice selection in which to choose from at bare bone prices since the cruise ships had so many vacancies available due of the current ongoing recession.

  Over the next couple of days, I picked the brains of several different travel agents and had limited our choices down to the following:

  10 days on the Mexican Riviera

  12 days in Alaska

  14 days in the Caribbean

  15 days in Europe (my personal favorite)

  Now let us see where Maya wants to go the most, shall we. She favored the Caribbean cruise at first, but I told her, “Why lay in the sand in the Caribbean, when you could sip wine in Italy!” That really got her attention. Mention alcohol and she would follow you anywhere.

  With the decision made, I called the travel agent back and booked our boat ride through Europe. I was over the moon happy. We were going to get to visit France, Spain, and Italy all in one trip and I was ecstatic that I would be experiencing every second of it with my BFF.

  Set to leave the following week, I jotted down all the little things my husband would have to tend to while I was away and posted it in plain sight on the refrigerator. Fine-tuning the small last-minute details, before I left things in his incapable hands was much harder than I thought. One could only hope that he wouldn’t let my plants wither away from thirst or allow my turtles to die horribly of starvation, but wishful thinking can only get you so far. Nevertheless, if push came to shove, I always had my trusty neighbor on standby if I ever needed to implement “Plan B” and rescue all the living items in my home before it was too late.

  There was so much to do, but the urge to update my wardrobe had an even stronger hold on me. So I grabbed my purse and was out the door in a flash. It was time to put the secret account Jay had set up for me to good use. Fifteen days in Europe was going to be expensive, but thanks to Mr. Basketball, money wasn’t going to be a problem. In fact, this trip wouldn’t even make a dent in that account!

  Damn.

  Maya and I met up in sunny Florida before boarding an international flight together to Barcelona, Spain. The plane ride was long, but we were so hyped up about all the new things we were going to see and do that it didn’t seem to bother either one of us in the slightest. We just sat back and enjoyed the ride.

  First class of course!

  Upon landing, we checked ourselves into a ritzy hotel close to the ship’s port for the night since we were scheduled to board the craft at 8:00am sharp the next following morning. That left us the rest of the day to explore this awesome foreign city.

  Barcelona was surreal, breathtaking, and the people were warm and friendly to us. The city breathed much-needed life back into me. I felt right at home, so much so, that I eagerly anticipated getting started on this brand new chapter of my life… and never look back.

  “You want to check out the beach or walk around town?” I asked her because I couldn’t decide where I wanted to begin.

  “Let’s scope out the city and find something to eat.”

  We hopped into a taxi that reeked of cigars and instructed the grouchy looking driver to deliver us wherever the tourists loved to go. He knew exactly where to take us and dropped us off at a festive place called Passeig de Gracia known for its prime shopping.

  We spent most of the day there. They had everything under the sun from jewelry, to books, to wine. With restaurants, museums, a
nd nightclubs weaved throughout, people could happily lose themselves here and escape from the harsh reality of their lives.

  We partook in some of the local foods that could only be described as small bites of heaven; everything tasted so fresh that it sent my taste buds into hyper-drive. Most people even spoke English to my surprise, which worked out to my advantage because I couldn’t speak a lick of Spanish to save my life.

  When the sun traded places with the moon, the streets of the city became alive and looked like one humongous block party. People danced and enjoyed themselves openly, freely, without fear of being judged by others. I did not know what to do with myself. Normally, I’m pretty reserved, but my spirit went soaring as it followed the glorious rhythm of music that surrounded us.

  Wow, this is the life!

  Maya and I joined in the festivities until late in the evening and by the time we made it back to our hotel room, we were completely exhausted. Dead to the world as soon as our heads hit the pillow.

  “Hurry up, will you. I don’t want to miss the boat!” I yelled at Maya thru the bathroom door the next morning.

  “Almost finished,” she yelled back.

  She finally emerged, fifteen minutes later, dressed in a pretty, purple flowered sundress and matching sandals. With her braids pulled back and sunglasses resting on top of her head it was obvious that she was ready for a day in the sun.

  “Hey, that’s cute. Now let’s go.”

  Half dragging her slow behind out the door, we headed downstairs to check out of the hotel and then hopped into an awaiting cab to take us over to the ship’s port.

  People were scattered everywhere, anxiously waiting to board. A sea of many different cultures stood before me, all about to partake on this adventure with us. I became consumed with a warm fuzzy feeling, instantly assuring me that my decision to come was a good one.