Me Mam. Me Dad. Me

by Duffy, Malcolm;

  ‘Just tell them everything you told me, and the police,’ said me mam.

  ‘Aye.’

  Before I went in they gave me a copy of the statement I’d made to the coppers. They let me read it. Not that I needed reminding. Everything that happened was tattooed on me brain.

  I walked into the courtroom. Must be what it’s like going out on to the pitch at St James’ Park. All those faces looking at you. Except these faces weren’t here for the excitement. They’d come to find out why Callum got killed. Everyone was there, like two sets of fans. On my side was me mam, Aunty Tina, Uncle Greg, Uncle Martin, Aunty Sheila, Gran. Also saw Megan, with a dead sad face, and a bloke I’d only seen in a photo, Uncle Connor. Then there was Callum’s side, Louise, Ian, his mam, and all those whose names I still can’t remember.

  Went on the witness stand. Shaking like mad. They got me to read something.

  ‘I do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’

  A weird-looking gadgie in a wig appeared. Think he was on the side trying to get me dad locked up. Asked me a load of questions.

  Told him everything.

  How mental was that? Wouldn’t tell me mam one thing that was going on in me head, but here I was, in a room full of people, telling them absolutely everything.

  Went right back to when Callum first turned up. Money, General, grin, grin, grin. Thought his relatives would like to hear that. Bet they wouldn’t like what I was going to say next. All the stuff they didn’t know, the drinking, the swearing, the battering.

  Could hear some sobs. Not sure who they came from. Then I told them what I’d found out online.

  Two women killed every week.

  Said I didn’t want me mam to be one of them. Asked the kids at school what they’d do. They all said they’d get their dad to sort it out. So that’s what I did. I went to Scotland to find mine.

  ‘How did you find your dad, Danny?’

  Gulp.

  Didn’t want to drop anyone in it. But I knew this was the last place on earth for lies.

  Hoped she’d forgive me.

  Hoped me mam would forgive me.

  ‘Me Aunty Tina told me.’

  ‘And what happened when you got there?’

  Said what a canny time I had. Apart from his fiancée running off. Told the gadgie I asked me dad to sort out Callum, and he told me he wouldn’t. The end.

  Questions over.

  Went and sat next to me mam.

  Thought she’d be mad at me. But got a surprise.

  ‘Well done, Danny,’ she whispered.

  Then it was me mam’s turn to get questioned.

  Think it was even harder for her than me, ’cos she had to say all the things she never wanted to talk about. But I was proud of her. She told them about every single bad thing he’d ever done to her.

  The prosecution gadgie said that the questions should be stopped and that Callum wasn’t the one in the dock. But the judge disagreed and said that his actions were totally relevant to the case.

  Exactly.

  None of this would have happened if he hadn’t been such a total bastard. Then me dad came out.

  He had a suit on. Looked dead smart.

  Sent me a little smile. Make that a wee smile.

  Me dad said everything that I’d said. But in Scottish.

  He pleaded ‘not guilty’ to the charge of murder.

  Told them how he’d tracked down Callum and found out which pub he went to. Then he decided to pay him a visit.

  The prosecution gadgie was a lot stricter with me dad than with me.

  ‘Why did you travel all of the way to Gateshead?’

  ‘To scare Mr Jeffries.’

  ‘Did you intend to kill Mr Jeffries?’

  ‘No, I didn’t. If that had been my intention I’d have carried a weapon.’

  ‘What were you planning to do?’

  ‘I was prepared to use some force to stop him hurting Danny’s mam. But when I saw him staggering up the street I couldn’t do it.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I shouted at him to leave Kim alone. I told him to get out of Gateshead.’

  ‘And what did Mr Jeffries do?’

  ‘He raised his fists and charged at me. So I pushed him away.’

  ‘Did you punch him?’

  ‘No. I gave him a push.’

  Never knew that. Thought it would take a massive punch to flatten Callum.

  ‘Mr Jeffries was a large man. Surely it would have taken some force to push him over.’

  ‘I used the force necessary to push him away from me. If he hadn’t been drinking he may not have fallen.’

  ‘So you picked on a man who was senseless with drink.’

  ‘He attacked me. I defended myself.’

  ‘Then what did you do?’

  ‘I saw that he’d hit his head. I made sure that he was still breathing. Then I ran off.’

  It sounded pretty good to me. Looked at the jury to see if they thought the same. Saw twelve blank faces staring back.

  Me dad was good with his answers. Like he was ready for them. A lot better than me.

  The questions dried up. Neither of the gadgies in wigs could think of anything else. Then they each took their turn to speak to the jury. One gadgie said that me dad had come down to Gateshead with the intention of killing Callum. The other gadgie said he didn’t.

  The jury were sent out to make their minds up.

  We all went out while they had a think what to do.

  Outside Newcastle Crown Court, everyone stood around mumbling. Callum’s lot stayed away from me and me mam. Not sure they knew what to say, giving us keep-away looks.

  After what she’d heard in court me mam went straight over to Aunty Tina.

  ‘How dare you?’

  ‘How dare I what?’ went Aunty Tina.

  ‘Give Danny Steve’s address.’

  ‘He told me he wanted to write to him. I had no idea he’d gone to see him.’

  This seemed to take the wind out of me mam’s sails.

  ‘How did you know where he lived?’

  ‘I was best mates with her, remember?’ said Aunty Tina, looking over at a lass smoking a tab.

  ‘His sister, Rachel,’ said me mam, following Aunty Tina’s eyes. ‘Oh, yeah, I remember her only too well. The one who brought Steve to that party.’

  ‘I got his address from her, in case you ever needed to get in touch with him about Danny.’

  The two sisters looked out across the murky Tyne.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Kim?’

  Me mam said nowt. Just watching the river.

  ‘I knew something was wrong that Christmas,’ said Aunty Tina, watching a bit of driftwood float past. ‘You didn’t return my calls. You wouldn’t meet up. Why didn’t you just pick up the phone and tell me?’

  Me mam looked crushed. Now everyone knew that she’d taken everything Callum could throw at her – jokes, swear words, fists. And for what? A detached house with four bedrooms and a giant telly.

  ‘You’ve no idea what it was like, Tina.’

  Aunty Tina held me mam tight, and they both started crying.

  ‘I didn’t want to have to rely on you any more,’ said me mam, through the sobs. ‘I just wanted something for Danny. I thought it would all be better.’

  After a long hug me mam and me aunty separated.

  Me mam finally smiled.

  ‘I’ll call you.’

  ‘That would be good,’ said Aunty Tina.

  She gave me mam a final kiss on the cheek and walked off.

  While me mam was thinking about what her sister had said someone else came up, an older woman with scuffed shoes and a tab on the go. She stood there looking at me. Couldn’t make out whether she was sad or angry or both. Thought maybe she was one of Callum’s lot.

  ‘What do you want?’ said me mam, looking at her.

  ‘Just
wanted to have a good look at me grandson,’ said the woman.

  It was me dad’s mam.

  Me mam didn’t know what to say next. But Stevie’s mam did.

  ‘Like father, like son,’ she said.

  Then she stamped her tab into the pavement. A big guy came over and put his arm around her. It was Uncle Connor.

  ‘Come on, Sheila,’ he said, in his big Scots voice.

  He took her away, but not before giving me the evil eye. He’d promised me dad’s mam that he’d keep Stevie out of trouble, and now I’d just landed him in more trouble than he’d ever had in his life. No wonder Uncle Connor looked like he wanted to kill me.

  ‘What did she mean, Mam, “like father, like son”?’

  Me mam watched her go. ‘Nothing, son, nothing.’

  We stood leaning against the railings as the brown water inched slowly towards the sea, never to see the Toon again. Wondered when me dad would next see it. Found out three and a half hours later. The jury came up with their verdict.

  On the charge of murder – ‘not guilty’. On the charge of manslaughter – ‘guilty’.

  Me dad got sentenced to four years.

  Forty-Eight

  • •

  Me mam and me don’t really talk much about what happened. We’d both said all that needed to be said. Callum’s gone now, and no amount of words is going to bring him back.

  She doesn’t seem as mad with me as she used to. I reckon she knows that I didn’t do it to hurt her. I did it to try to save her. Think she misses Callum in a weird sort of way, but she doesn’t go on about him, and she’s not been looking for anyone else on her computer. Think she’s had it with blokes.

  Didn’t like being on this side of the river, away from me mates and all the places I knew. But the thing I missed most was Amy. At night I closed me eyes and looked at her face, and I thought of all the times we’d spent together, her body pressed tight close to mine, our lips locked together like soft magnets. And although I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t cry no more, sometimes I couldn’t stop myself, and I wet the pillow.

  But a month after the court case, something happened.

  ‘Danny, there’s someone here for you.’

  Me? Nobody came to see me. Not any more.

  Went to the door.

  Amy.

  Couldn’t have been more shocked if it was me dad standing there.

  ‘Hi, Danny,’ she said, smiling.

  Amy didn’t have any make-up on, but she still looked belter.

  ‘You gonna invite me in?’

  ‘Why aye.’

  We went and sat in the kitchen. Me mam went somewhere else.

  I wanted to grab Amy, hold her, kiss her, but I didn’t. Still not sure what she’d come for.

  ‘I went to the court.’

  ‘You were there?’ I said, flabbergasted.

  ‘Aye, I wanted to hear what went on.’

  ‘I never saw you.’

  ‘I pulled me coat right up over my face. Sat way at the back.’

  Probably just as well I didn’t know Amy was there. Was bad enough with all those eyes on me.

  ‘I still think you did a really stupid thing, Danny. Especially not telling me. But I know why you did it.’

  Dead happy. And also dead confused.

  ‘So why didn’t you come round sooner? The court case was ages ago.’

  Amy looked at the floor, like people do when they’re looking for words.

  ‘I spoke to me mam and dad about it. I said I wanted to see you again. They both said, “Over my dead body”.’

  ‘But you’re here.’

  ‘Yes, I’m here. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Danny. I really missed you.’

  She stood up and we hugged like we never wanted to let go.

  Amy was back. And this time I’d make sure I told her everything.

  We meet up at weekends, and go as far from Gateshead as we can afford – Whitley Bay, Durham, South Shields, Tynemouth, wherever. History repeating itself. Just like me and me dad up in Edinburgh, making sure that nobody spots us.

  Amy tells her mam and dad she’s seeing her mates. Which isn’t the biggest lie in the world. I tell me mam the truth. She’s not bothered. She thinks Amy’s good for me.

  I sleep better now that it’s all over, but sometimes I lie awake in bed at night and think about everything that happened. I think about Callum. Dead. Then I think of Megan lying in her bed in Scotland, me dad in his cell, and me mam in the room next door. Everyone on their own – because of me.

  I’ve got me own bedroom. It’s a bit rank compared to me old one, but there’s a few things in it that make me happy. There’s a fifteenth birthday card from Amy covered in kisses, the stone I got from the top of that stupid hill, the football from Edinburgh, the Scottish five-pound note, and last, but not least, a picture of me dad. No one seemed to have a proper one, so I got one out the paper of him outside Newcastle Crown Court. It said: Edinburgh Man Guilty. I tore that bit off.

  But the most important thing of all is in me bottom drawer. It’s something I never thought I’d get, but I did. Me mam gave it me. It’s a letter from Durham Prison. She didn’t want to read it, but I did.

  Even though I’ve read it a million times it still makes me guts go funny.

  It was dead hard to track down me dad, and there are times I wish I hadn’t. But when I read his letter I’m glad I did. I just wish I’d gone to see him and not asked him to sort out Callum. Should have called the police or the domestic abuse people or the council. Should have spoken to Amy. Somebody. But too late for all that. You can’t turn the clocks back.

  I want me mam and me to be waiting for me dad when he gets out. It’s not the sort of trip I’ll take Amy on. Once he walks out of the gates I’ll hug him dead hard and we’ll jump on a train and go to the coast. Me mam will find out that me bad dad isn’t so bad any more. Then we’ll find a fish shop, and eat cod and chips, talking, and laughing, and making plans. Then we’ll go for a walk along the beach. I’ll take me ball and we’ll all have a kick about, and me mam can try running again. Then I’ll find some stones and we’ll have a world skimming championship. Then we’ll just flop down on the sand and look out to sea, and for the first time ever it will be the way it was always meant to be.

  Me mam. Me dad. Me.

  • • •

  We hope you enjoyed this book.

  For more information, click the following links

  Acknowledgements

  National Domestic Abuse Helpline

  About Malcolm Duffy

  About Zephyr

  Acknowledgements

  •

  A great big Geordie thank-you to me agent, Davinia Andrew-Lynch, me publisher, Fiona Kennedy, and me wife, Jann.

  MALCOLM DUFFY

  London, September 2017

  National Domestic Abuse Helpline

  If you or someone you know has been affected by the issues raised in this story, you can contact the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge, on

  0808 2000 247

  About Malcolm Duffy

  MALCOLM DUFFY is a Geordie, born and bred. His first novel, Me Mam. Me Dad. Me. was inspired by his time at Comic Relief, visiting projects that support women and children who have suffered as a result of domestic abuse. Malcolm lives in Surrey with wife Jann, and daughters Tallulah and Tabitha. He works as an advertising copywriter.

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  First published in the UK in 2018 by Zephyr, an imprint of Head of Zeus Ltd

  Copyright © Malcolm Duffy, 2018

  The moral right of Malcolm Duffy to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  This is a work of fiction. All characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  9 7 5 3 1 2 4 6 8

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  ISBN (HB): 9781786697646

  ISBN (E): 9781786697639

  Author photo © James W. Fortune

  Design: Gray318

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