Almost Alive

by Christina Barr

  “Michael has that game. He’s probably in halftime.”

  “Right…” I remembered our intimate night that ultimately didn’t mean a whole lot. I wondered if he were really falling for me. “I have to keep my promises. I guess I’m gonna go to the football game.”

  She smiled naughtily. “Good girl.”

  I blushed. I totally knew what the demon was trying to do, but I wasn’t that gullible. I wasn’t sleeping with Michael again and losing another chunk of my soul. I would use the demon, but it wasn’t going to play me. “I’m not saying that I wanna be partners or anything. I’m just testing this thing out.”

  “I completely understand.” It was quiet for a little bit and looked away, but I knew that it had something else to say. It had the look. “But you know this ‘God’ thing will never work out.”

  I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. That was my suspicion, but I couldn’t believe that. “Why would you say that?”

  She chuckled. “Because you hate him.”

  “No.” I forced myself to be angrier than what I actually was. “I don’t!”

  “You do! Everyone he sent to hell does. It’s hard not to hold a grudge. It’s the worst place ever.”

  I couldn’t remember, but I knew that I didn’t want to. Every time I thought about it, I couldn’t breathe. “What did you do to get sent there?”

  The demon actually looked a little sad. “I was just some grunt angel following the crowd. I rebelled and tried to overthrow heaven.” Then she snickered. “Maybe I deserved it a little bit more than you!”

  “You think?”

  “Maybe.” She smirked and crossed her arms. “What did you do, Michelle?”

  “I died.” I couldn’t deny that I wasn’t resentful about it. I just wanted my life to be more than a void. I didn’t know what I would find in the next life or if I believed there would be nothing. It seemed like such a long time ago. But I did suspect that it had to be something better than the nothing I was feeling. I guess I was wrong.

  “Well, there ya go.” The demon thought it had proved its point. Maybe it did. I wasn’t sure.

  “I have to get dressed.” I put on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I didn’t want to be sexy or anything. I was only going as a favor to Michael. There was nothing more to it than that.

  As I was leaving out, I heard my parents talking to each other. I didn’t want to intrude and act like I cared, but I was curious and snuck to their room. The door was cracked open a little bit, so I played spy and looked inside. Dad was holding her as she sobbed into his chest. He kept telling her over and over again how everything was gonna be alright. She nodded her head and tried to believe, but she was so heartbroken.

  I got exactly what I wanted, but it suddenly didn’t feel as satisfying as it was supposed to.

  “Don’t chicken out on me now.” I felt the demon tug my arm, and I stepped away from the door and started following it toward the steps. “Everyone gets what they deserve. Remember that, Michelle.”

  I nodded and tried to swallow the negative emotions I was feeling. I got them back together. That’s all that should have mattered. We could be a family again later.

  I felt alone most of the way to school. I don’t know if the demon were playing hard to get or what. It sucked not feeling the high of my desires. I was suddenly overcome by the look in my mother’s eyes, and I didn’t wanna remember her that way. Yeah, she made massive mistakes, but she was only human. We were supposed to screw up. So how could I judge what was the right way to handle her? I was capable of making mistakes too.

  “So maybe humanity is the problem,” I said out loud, but I knew that it wasn’t my thought. I could feel the malicious intent behind it and the stimulation from it.

  I tried to push the thought away, but it was so strong, and it was true. Wasn’t humanity the problem with our world? We were given such gifts from nature, and we ruined our lands and killed our brothers on the battlefield for questionable reasons and then blamed it on a God that we less and less believed in. We were awful.

  “Why do you want me to believe that?”

  “You already believe that,” it said from the passenger’s seat.

  I tried to shake the thought out of my head. I didn’t want to be that cynical. I was afraid where that road would lead to. I had a feeling it would end with a hostile takeover of my body. I didn’t want it to start making me believe that it could run my life better than I could.

  “I’m one of the oldest creatures in all of time. I’m a lot wiser than you, Michelle. Of course, I can handle boyfriends and pep rallies and college entrance exams.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Where do you wanna go? Wanna go to Harvard? Oxford? State? I’ll go wherever you want.”

  “Shut up!” I looked back at the seat, and it was empty. It wasn’t like it to just vanish. I took it as a good sign and tried not to dwell on the thought. That’s what the demon wanted.

  I was glad I felt alone in my head again when I got to the football field. It didn’t take Michael long to spot me. The team was in the middle of a timeout, and he had been searching for me the entire night. He waved like a little boy with a crush and I smiled and returned the gesture. It was pretty adorable how much he adored me. I didn’t even need a demon to date him.

  “What are you doing?” Maria asked in disbelief.

  I wasn’t exactly afraid of her. Her witchcraft was no match for my demon mojo, so I wasn’t going to let her creepiness intimidate me. “I’m here for a football game. What are you doing here?” It wasn’t a highly publicized game. The bleachers weren’t full. The opposing team wasn’t even from our district. “I didn’t think you had school spirit.”

  She took a seat next to me. “I’ve got a friend on the other team.”

  I didn’t want to sound rude, but I was dumbfounded. “I didn’t know that you had any friends.”

  She smiled and leaned in closer so no one else would hear. “Well if you must know, he’s a warlock. We’re more like acquaintances, and he’s trading some secrets and spells with me tonight.”

  I looked down at the teams. No one stood out as someone who looked like her. I guess I was stereotyping, but it was just so unexpected. “Have you thought about quitting witchcraft?”

  “Maybe a few times. I used to not be too great at it, but then I got my special spell book.” I remembered what it looked like. It was unusual for some reason. It practically called me to touch it. I never would have guessed that the book itself possessed a power. “I wasn’t really powerful enough for a most of the spells, but Julian was masterful. I wanted to be as good as him.”

  It was no wonder that Julian didn’t tell me that he hooked his sister so deep in. I knew he got her into it, but she really admired his craft. I was starting to get the feel that I couldn’t break her. Maybe she’d be willing to do anything to keep it. “Are you that powerful now?”

  “No, but I’m certain I can end up more powerful than him.”

  You could be more powerful than the both of them.

  I blinked hard. The temptation was so dominant that it felt like ringing in my ears. I suddenly wanted to ask her about every spell she ever knew and to meet her friend. I kept thinking about that old spell book she had. I wanted to touch the leather cover and inhale the scent of the pages. I wanted to be powerful.

  “You okay?” She didn’t sound worried, only curious.

  I nodded. My heart was racing, but I was determined to stay off of magic. “I heard about the story with the bird. You’re a sweet person, Maria.”

  “Thanks.” She shrugged it off. “I’ve always loved animals. They’re better than humans.”

  I felt a chill surge down my spine. How was it possible that she brought up exactly what my demon was trying to convince me of earlier? “Why would you say that?”

  “Think about how loyal a horse can be. It’ll ride to death to serve its master. Humans would never be so loyal. We’re so selfish, and we try to deny it. If an animal wants some
thing, it’s just about nature. It’s not about an agenda or greed. It is what it is. They’re simple. They’re beautiful. We’re full of lies.”

  “Not everyone is like that!” Julian wasn’t like that. He was kind and compassionate, and if I could make Maria remember how she used to be before all the witchcraft, she would be the same way.

  “Why are you here spying on Michael?” She sneered in disgust. “I thought you were in love with my brother.”

  “He asked me to come.”

  Her eyes were like darts staring at Michael. I got that she was being a defensive little sister, but it was not even that serious. “Julian is different. Have you noticed?”

  I raised my brows. I kind of didn’t know what she meant, but I knew the truth. I just had to play it cool. “I have.”

  “You’re still the same though.” She couldn’t resist ending her statement with a smug and evil smirk.

  I shouldn’t have taken the bait. I knew she was trying to weird me out. Just because she hadn’t been to hell, didn’t mean that she didn’t have a demon. She was a witch. She had connections. Demons talked. She wanted me to worry. I refused to fall for it!

  “What do you know?” I failed so much. I didn’t mean to, but she was planning something. I could sense it.

  “I know that you belong with my brother.” She got out of her seat and walked down to the edge of the bleachers to be as close to the field as possible. The whistle blew, and Michael was given the football to throw. His team defended well, but he was running out of time. I was anxious watching him as the opposing team got closer to sacking him.

  “Michael!”

  He was about to throw a pass to the running back, but his eyes were drawn up toward the bleachers. I thought he was accidentally following my voice up to my eyes, but they never made it that far. They were dead set inside of Maria’s.

  My eyes bucked as he got sacked so hard that his helmet flew right off of his head. For a moment, it looked like his head was still inside and I screamed. Football players got sacked all the time, but everyone knew this time was different. The audience ran to the bars and leaned over to watch Michael get up, but he wasn’t even twitching.

  The game stopped, and the coaches ran onto the field and demanded that the other plays backed off and gave Michael some breathing room. I waited for him to get better. I hoped for him to get up, but he didn’t. Everyone knew the game was over when the coach got on the phone.

  I was still standing up in my original spot clutching my chest. I could hardly breathe myself. Was it just an accident or was it something else? Did I see what I thought I saw?

  Maria turned around and gave me a little smirk before walking away and then I knew.

  My legs lost their strength, and I landed roughly on the bleacher. Julian told me that she was powerless. How could she have hurt Michael the way she did and why would she? Why would she hurt him for me? Why was she so invested in my relationship with Julian? I didn’t even know either of them that well. It wasn’t fair!

  I reached in my pocket and shakily pulled out my cellphone. I tried not to cry, but a few tears rolled down my face. I didn’t want to worry Julian too much, but he needed to know.

  “Hey,” he answered surprised and awkwardly. “I’m glad to hear from you.”

  I was so distraught that I couldn’t even be flattered by his boyish charms. “I need you to meet me at the hospital.”

  “Why? Did something happen to you?”

  “No, but I think your sister just killed somebody.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  I followed the ambulance to the hospital. The entire team did, and so did some of the cheerleaders. Even Liz was there. We didn’t make eye contact in the waiting room. It was just too awkward. I knew that she still hated me. I think she probably hated him too. At least we could all come together in the time of that awful tragedy.

  No one spoke to me until Julian arrived. When I saw him come through the waiting room door, I ran into his arms. “I’m so glad you’re here!”

  We received a bunch of strange looks from our classmates. No one thought we belonged there, but I didn’t care. None of them could understand the severity of the situation.

  “Come on.” Julian lightly tugged on my arm and pulled me out into the hall. “Tell me what happened,” he said quietly.

  “I was at the game, and Maria was there.”

  He was dumbfounded. “What would she be doing at a football game?”

  “That’s what I thought when I saw her, so I asked her. She told me that someone from the other team was a warlock and that they exchanged spells and materials sometimes.”

  He still looked very confused. “That’s weird…”

  “But that’s not the weirdest part!” I blushed a little bit. “She was jealous that I came to the game for Michael, and she talked about how she wanted me to be with you. The next thing I know, she makes eye contact with Michael, and he freezes! He was tackled so hard that he didn’t get up.”

  He saw what I was getting at, and he got irritated a little too quickly. “Maria doesn’t have powers. She may think she does—”

  “Look, Julian, I’m so sick of you downplaying her!” I was not crazy. There was a reason for me to be freaked out, on edge, and just plain old afraid of her. I could understand that he was in denial, but I know what I saw. “She has some kind of powers or influence. A demon made your witchcraft real. Maybe she’s got one too.”

  “I do not doubt that she’s influenced, but I would know if she were possessed.” Denial! Denial! Denial!

  “Why wouldn’t she be possessed? She’d probably like it. If she’s not, then they’re working with or for her.”

  Julian pressed his finger to my lips to shut me up. I didn’t mean to get loud and there were nurses walking by us. After they had passed by, he released my lips. “Demons don’t do anything for anybody for free.”

  “Well, we need to figure this out.” I crossed my arms and leaned back into the wall a little ticked off. “She’s dangerous and apparently crazy.” He knew enough about his sister to order me away from her, but he wouldn’t acknowledge how powerful she was. Maybe he had too much pride and didn’t want to believe that she was more powerful than he was. Maybe he felt guilty because he got her into witchcraft in the first place. Whatever the case, he clearly couldn’t be objective when it came to her.

  But I knew that no matter what I did, Julian would think he could contain her, so I let him live in his fantasy. “I’ll take care of this. You go home, and I’ll go confront Maria.”

  I restrained myself from rolling my eyes, but a very annoyed puff of air came out of me. “What about Michael?”

  “You probably won’t hear anything for a while, Michelle.” He was pretty awkward. He didn’t like Michael at all, but it was sweet of him to care. “Go home and pray for his recovery. That’s about all you can do for him now.”

  Julian was right. There was nothing I could personally do and it’s not like I could really introduce myself as Michael’s girlfriend to get information, since I didn’t even have the decency to meet his mom and dad before I screwed him. I wasn’t even welcomed there. It was best if I did say a prayer for Michael.

  It was weird that there were all those people that hated Michael and still went to the hospital. Was it because it was polite or was it because they felt guilty that they had abandoned his friendship? Maybe it had nothing to do with that. Maybe they just realized how much they cared about him since there was a chance he would never wake up.

  Sometimes I thought about what my funeral would be like. I guess my friends and ex would have come to say goodbye. Mom and Dad would have been crying, and they would have blamed each other. They probably would have gotten their divorce. They would have had a bunch of family come that I never saw. Dad would have probably had more office workers there than family. They would have said nice things. They would have said that I was a good girl, but no one would have talked about how I did anything important. I never did anythi
ng of any significance. I might have been missed, but I don’t know if it would have been with good reason.

  Was that really what I needed? Was it significance? If I did align myself with my demon, no one would remember good things about me. I’d be a fun party whore at best. The biggest legacy I could hope for would be a serial killer. What did it matter what I felt? One day I’d be gone, and there’d be absolutely nothing left of me. People would probably be happy that I was dead.

  I was so resistant to help Julian fight demons—and I didn’t think that I was cut out for it at all—but if I helped him, at least my life would matter. At least I wouldn’t be nothing anymore. Maybe I’d even feel good about myself.

  But the strangest thing, while I had my revelation, was that my head felt completely clear. Why would my demon let me decide to live freely without its help? It didn’t make any sense, and though I should have felt grateful to finally be free and clear of its influence, I was uneasy about what it must have been plotting.

  When I got home, I noticed that one of the cars was missing. I hoped that Mom and Dad bailed together. I felt awful about Maria hurting Michael over me, and I just didn’t want to see Mom crying and be tormented about what I had done to her.

  When I was brave enough, I came in through the garage and cautiously stepped inside. “Mom?” I winced from the anticipation, but there was no response. “Dad?” He didn’t answer either. I had lucked out, but it was weird that they wouldn’t text me that they were leaving. The front door wasn’t even locked.

  But I guess I lucked out. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked up to my bedroom to be alone.

  “Hello, Michelle.”

  I screamed and jumped back up into a wall. After everything that had happened, I was deathly afraid of Maria. She wasn’t playing nice like she usually did. She had a sly smirk on her face that made her look so different than the girl I first met in gym class. She was something else. “How did you get in here?”

  “The door was unlocked.”

  I looked at my phone and scrolled through the incoming calls. My parents had tried to contact me. I just didn’t pick up! “Where are my parents?”