Almost Alive

by Christina Barr

He looked amazed, and in turn, I was also amazed because I had somehow offended him. “I used to have the truest, most powerful love that there can possibly be. I loved God.” As impossible as it seemed, he spoke with such a fragrant and powerful esteem. It was stronger than any human could describe. There was an entire sonnet hidden in every syllable that he spoke. There were tales of a love deeper than the oceans’ depths and vaster than the universe itself. He had seen the face of God, and it was incomparable. “He was my beloved maker, the father of all, the greatest beauty in the universe.”

  Then as great as his love was, it became something just as equally dark and twisted. “But then he made me a prison made out of fire and pain. What kind of loving father would do something like that to his son?

  “Time only exists in this realm. When you’re in hell, it feels like forever. You might have only been dead for a few minutes, but a few minutes can feel like days.” He smirked and began to place his hand on my forehead. “Would you like to remember your time in hell?”

  I could feel heat beginning to rise like the terrible flames that had consumed my soul. Every inch of my body ached, and I prepared to scream as his hands closed in on me. “Please don’t!”

  He drew his hand away and laughed. “It’s too bad that such a weak and useless demon crawled into your body with you. If we had known you were coming, we could have picked out a more deserving demon. However, you can make a good minion. All you have to do is do exactly what I say.”

  I did not want him to think that I agreed, but Zariel was willing to do anything for Balthazar, and she kept my mouth quiet for the sake of her survival.

  Maria had finished her chant and was readily awaiting orders from her boss. Scott brought her a black case and set it down in front of her. She opened it up and inside there were two needles, one clear and the other was red. “What shall I do, Master?”

  “Use the red serum, Maria. It will kill you.”

  We accidentally locked eyes. Maria was not as brave and as absolute in her resolve as she pretended to be. She was alone, and an outcast, but she did not want to die. She had too much that she loved and had too much fight left in her. “Yes, Master.”

  “No!” I somehow made myself free and began running toward her. “Maria, you can’t.”

  I had offended Scott greatly, and he yanked my head back by my hair. “Show some respect for your master!”

  I saw the concern in Maria’s eyes, but she held her tongue. I could understand if she was afraid to fight back, but she wasn’t. I was just a spot on her conscious. She felt righteous and justified in ruining her brother’s life and letting me become a slave. Well, she sickened me! I would no longer be a blind fool and let others be hurt by my decisions. “You can’t control me!”

  “Oh really?” Balthazar raised his hand as a signal for Scott to stop and he quickly released me. I think he was intrigued by my sudden boost of courage. If he knew the things that Julian did, then he should have known that I was a coward. Something must have changed, and he needed to know. I needed to realize the reason myself. “And why is that?”

  And when I saw his eyes, I knew. “Because I’m more afraid of losing Julian than of you!”

  He threw his head back and laughed quietly, but hard. “Love is a powerful motivation, but it’s nothing compared to me! For example…” He walked toward me, and I instantly felt something coming off of him. It was similar to the lust spirit Maria had placed on me, except it was probably a hundred times worse. My body was instantly drawn to him, and I met him halfway. “…Even something as innocent as your feelings for Julian can be corrupted by lust. I could make you forsake your beloved because you desire this body to touch yours.”

  My hands slowly landed on his chest and began to feel up to his shoulders, and I held him close to me. I didn’t want to kiss him and rip all of his clothes off, but there was a deep desire in me to do exactly that. I felt like my skin was burning to touch his. It wasn’t long before my lips were mere centimeters from his.

  “No!” I managed to tear myself away. The feeling was still there, but I couldn’t fall and fail Julian. His life depended on it! “I can resist you. I have the power.”

  He slightly glared, but then smirked. “Enough to survive, but not enough to win.”

  I felt my stomach collapsing in on itself, and I doubled over in pain. I raised my head to see what he was doing, but the only motion he had made was clenching his fist. “Julian?” A stream of blood flooded out of my mouth and onto the floor. I knew that I needed to be brave, but I was sure that he was killing me. “Julian, you’re still in there. I know you are. Fight him!”

  He tilted his head intrigued. “What makes you think that Julian isn’t aware of everything that I’m doing? How do you know he isn’t enjoying this kind of power?”

  He clenched his fingers tighter, and I screamed and fell to my knees. It felt like my insides were burning. “He would never do this to me!”

  “Greed is powerful, Michelle. Look at Maria.”

  She had already begun injecting the red serum into her veins. She was trembling from her fear as she waited for it to take effect. I hoped there was some kind of mistake or that she would have a miracle. I couldn’t watch her die knowing what it would do to Julian.

  “She used to be an innocent little girl who loved her brother more than anything in the world. Now she’s a selfish young woman who put a cluster of demons inside of him and is now killing herself so she can bend a spoon with her mind.” He shook his head and chuckled. She was ridiculous, and he wasn’t going to bother to pretend otherwise. “If that can happen to her, imagine all of the horrible things Julian can do. Hell, think of all the things that he’s already done.”

  He released his hand and the burning clawing came to an end, but I was still shaken. One wrong word and he would destroy me. But why should I have feared death? I already lost my life. I didn’t have anything else to lose. “I will stop you!”

  I scanned the room and found Julian’s gun again. Julian might have had more weapons hidden on him, but I would have never been able to get to them before Balthazar snapped my neck. The gun was my only option. Balthazar could easily stop me, and Scott had proven to be supernaturally fast and powerful, but I had to go for it! As soon as I could muster up enough strength, I ran and dove for the gun.

  Scott moved to stop me, but I had an action movie moment, and as soon as I picked up the gun, I rolled over and then took aim at Julian’s heart. Scott might have been transformed into a supernatural creature, but Julian was still human. He feared what I could do to his master, and he was paralyzed in his position.

  Amazingly, Balthazar never broke a sweat. He never appeared concerned. He just smirked and looked at me questionably. “You would kill the man you love?”

  “If it came to that…” I heard the gun rattling and realized that my hands were shaking. Balthazar snickered and began making another step toward me, but I forced myself to be still and then he remained where he was. “Julian asked me to keep a promise. I won’t have to though. He’s coming back to me.”

  “And how is he gonna do that?” He flung his hand across the room, and my body followed and hit the wall. I screamed out in pain from my back, but I refused to let go of the gun, even when I landed hard on my ribs. If I would have had the time, I would have laid there and cried, but Balthazar and Scott were coming at me. I sat up and tried to scoot away, but there was nowhere for me to go. I panicked and pointed the gun at Julian’s body. I think Balthazar wanted me to do it. He was smirking at me and daring me with his eyes. “You had better act now,” he taunted.

  My fingers gripped tighter and I closed my eyes afraid. When it sounded off, I screamed. I kept trying to fire, but the gun only clicked and didn’t fire. After nothing happened five times, I accepted that there were no more bullets and hesitantly opened up my eyes. There was a bullet hole in Scott’s abdomen, but he was more annoyed than hurt.

  “One bullet left, and you wasted it?” Balthazar asked. I sw
ear a little bit of Julian came through to scold me.

  Scott wiped the blood away, and the wound closed like magic. “Can I kill her?” he asked his master.

  He had no hesitation. “Sure. Go ahead.”

  Scott had that same creepy smirk that was much too big for his face, and I forgot how to run. There was nowhere to go anyway. I had to face my death or somehow find the strength to kill them. I knew no such power lived inside of me, and after all my resisting had gotten me nowhere, it was time to take matters out of my hands.

  “God,” I said awkwardly inside of my mind, “I know things are rocky between the two of us and I know I don’t deserve your help, but Julian needs you.” Maybe Zariel was right, and I didn’t trust God. Maybe I was bitter like Balthazar and the rest of the demons that had been sentenced to hell. But if I chose to believe like Julian did, I didn’t have to be damned. We could save each other. “Please!”

  I was frightened when he lunged at me, and I pulled the trigger a few times on instinct. Blood splatted everywhere and once I heard the first bang; my delusions encouraged me to keep firing. Each invisible bullet that I fired stopped him for a moment, but I couldn’t knock him down. Eventually, he growled and ran toward me, and I thought of every single zombie I had ever seen and aimed the gun at his head. But then I remember my aim and pointed a little farther to the left, and when I pulled the trigger, he fell on his back.

  Balthazar looked at Scott’s body carefully and seemed to have no remorse that Scott was dead. “That’s interesting.” He reached out his hand and the gun that I had escaped and flew right to him. He opened it up and saw that there were no bullets inside. Then he looked on the floor and saw that there were no shells. “You fired a gun with no bullets. It looks like you’ve got yourself a genuine miracle, Michelle.”

  His eyes slowly crept up from the gun and glared at me while he wore that twisted and sadistic smile like a badge of honor. “Let’s see if the same works for me.”

  “No!” I screamed as he pointed and fired the gun, but nothing had happened other than a few clicks. I was amazed. God had given me a true miracle.

  Balthazar sneered and tossed the gun across the room. “Well, I guess I get to kill you the old fashioned way.”

  He raised his hand to hurt me like he did before, but something was different. I felt different. I was stronger and self-assured, like a strange and unreasonable peace had come over me. I stood a little straighter and stuck my chest out. When he clenched his fingers into a tight fist and nothing happened, I smirked. “What’s wrong? You out of juice?”

  He was stuck in his position, gritting his teeth and vigorously shaking his tight arm until he looked exhausted. Then suddenly, his eyes changed. “Michelle...?”

  I nearly ran into his arms. “Julian!”

  “Stay away from me!” he warned, and I obeyed. He was clearly in an excruciating amount of pain. He was fighting with every nerve in his body that was loyal to the will of Balthazar. “He’s too strong. I can’t…”

  I was so relieved though. I was afraid I’d never be able to see his eyes, and now that I could, I was filled with an unusual amount of optimism. “Yes, you can. You have the power. You just have to resist. You have to be strong. I can’t lose you. I love you, Julian.”

  I knew that my love might have been true and strong, but it was still a carnal thing. I might have given him inner strength to fight back, but we were fighting a supernatural battle. I might not have been enough. I had no choice but to concede to a higher power. “God loves you too.”

  Julian grew angry from the mention of God and Balthazar’s powers seeped through.

  “Ahhh!” I hunched over, and blood once again seeped from my mouth. It felt like my blood was boiling and not in any sort of metaphorical way. Still, I wasn’t afraid. “Fight back! We have to save your sister. We have to stop them from doing this. It won’t stop with us. Please!”

  Julian’s eyes darted over to his sister. Balthazar still had his body, but I could see Julian’s soul through his eyes, especially once the tears began to fall from seeing his sister lying dead. “Michelle?”

  His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and his body went limp and fell into my weak arms. We both hit the ground, but I held him close to me and kissed his forehead. “I’m right here.”

  He was still trembling in my arms. He was so weak that I could barely hear his request. “You have to kill me…”

  “What?” I finally had him back. I couldn’t let him go. “No. I can’t.”

  “You promised me that you would.”

  “You still have your soul—”

  “He’ll come back. It’s not like other possessions. He’s not just inside of me. He’s attached to my soul.”

  “We can cast the demon out—”

  “He’s not coming out without taking my heart through my mouth! I feel him.” Though he was desperate and frightened of losing his life and his soul, Julian began to smile the way only a drug addict would during a high. “I feel this power and I want it.” It did worry me the way he was when he thought about the power. He could have been indulging in ecstasy or having the greatest sex of his life based on his expression. Any moment, Balthazar could have come back and taken over. I thought Julian’s will was rock-solid, but suddenly I was involved in an intervention.

  “Julian, no.” I grabbed his head and forced his eyes to focus in on me. He was still drunk off of the power, but I had to try. “Think of what that power has done to your sister. She’s dead now.”

  He startled me once he grabbed a hold of my shoulder and squeezed a little bit, but at least he had come down from off his high by weighing himself down with guilt. “I can’t live with him like I lived with the other demons.”

  “But you already have been—”

  “He was asleep. Now he’s awake, and I realize that he’s a part of me.” He was devastated. I think he was beginning to lose hope in his plan to redeem himself into heaven. But he was still a warrior and willing to be a martyr if he had to. “If you kill me, he’s gonna die too.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I just do.” He reached down and pulled up his unusually comfortably fitting jeans on his left leg and pulled a small knife out of a holster. At first I chuckled to myself because he was still packing, but he might as well have stabbed me in the heart when he placed the knife in my hands.

  A part of me understood. Balthazar needed to be stopped. There was the greater good to consider. After seeing Scott, I think if I lost my soul, I would want Julian to put me down with no hesitation. But Julian was still alive and aware. How could he ask me to sacrifice himself? “I can help you stay clean, Julian. I can help you fight him.”

  He smiled sadly but then shook his head slowly. “If he gets out, he’s gonna destroy the lives of everyone around you until you have nothing left. Then when you want it all to end, he’s gonna make you kill yourself again.” He had seen the thoughts of the demon, and he couldn’t live in a world where he had caused me so much pain. “Just kill me.”

  “But…” I had caused too much pain for my parents. I couldn’t imagine a worse way to treat them. Perhaps it was best to sacrifice Julian for everyone else in my life. “I love you.”

  “Goodbye, Michelle.”

  I gripped the knife tightly and pointed the blade at his heart. “I’m sorry…” He closed his eyes, but I could still remember what they looked like. They were incredibly bright and engaging for someone in his position. He might have had a tough exterior, but there was too much light inside of him to extinguish it. “I can’t do this, Julian.” I tossed the knife across the room.

  Julian grunted angrily. “You promised me!”

  I didn’t want to upset him further, but I laughed from relief. He just reminded me of our first day together and how he tried to lecture me. Didn’t he see how much I needed him, just like he now needed me? “As long as I can look into your eyes and see you, I’ll never lose my faith.”

  He stubbornly crossed h
is arms and looked away from me. “Michelle—”

  “You told me that you believed you were brought back for a reason. You believed that you could redeem yourself. In so many ways, you have.” I placed my hand on his cheek and guided his face back to mine. “I’m not cured, but you’re saving me. God doesn’t want you to give up, so I won’t give up on you either. If you can’t fight for me, then fight because it’s the right thing to do.”

  Julian was still scared of what he might have become, and I was uneasy, but I wasn’t afraid. I knew him. His faith and strength would win out in the end.

  Julian wrapped his arms around me and collapsed on top of me. He was so incredibly tired, and he deserved some rest and peace of mind. “The Lord is my Shepard. I shall not want…” I don’t remember the rest of the passage, but he quoted it to himself as a source of comfort and strength. I knew then that Balthazar wasn’t going to come back, at least for a little while.

  I held Julian up on his feet, though I was a weak mess myself. “What are we going to do about Maria?”

  Julian came to his sister’s side and stroked her pale face. I couldn’t imagine what sort of pain he was going through. It wasn’t his entire fault, but he clearly blamed himself. From his shimmering eyes, I thought he was going to explode with emotion and die from his grief. “If we bring her back, she’s gonna be like us. She’ll be even worse.”

  “I know.” I knelt down next to him and touched his shoulder. “I think whatever we decide we have to make the choice that will keep you sane at the end of the day. I know she’s your sister, but that’s gonna make things even more difficult for you when she uses witchcraft or tries to summon Balthazar.”

  When I really saw how agonizing the hurt was in Julian’s heart, I immediately retreated. The temptation to make his pain go away might have been worse than his addiction to witchcraft. “But I know you, Julian. You’re tough, but you’re not cold. Could you forgive yourself for letting her die?”

  No. He couldn’t. He had yet to forgive himself for killing himself in the first place. “I don’t want to endanger anyone. She made her choice...” He was trying to be brave and not make the foolish decision, but being that selfless would have destroyed the both of us.