Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

  Chapter 3: You Can Choose Your Friends, But…

  The kids ate quickly and went to their rooms to get dressed. Cat and Billie sat down to eat their own breakfast and to enjoy the opportunity to spend time together without the children demanding their attention. Just then the door opened, and Jen popped in.

  “Morning, ladies.” Jen helped herself to the last of the coffee and then set up a new pot to brew.

  Cat and Billie looked at each other and smiled as their friend made herself at home.

  “Good morning, Jen,” Billie said.

  “Want some breakfast?” Cat offered.

  “No. Just ate.” Jen dropped a kiss on Cat’s cheek and nabbed a piece of bacon. She circled around Billie, deposited a kiss on her cheek, as well, then sat down between the pair and lifted a piece of toast from Billie’s plate.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to eat?” Billie asked.

  “No. Really, I just ate,” she replied around a bite of toast. “What are you two up to today?”

  Billie and Cat looked at each other. “Don’t know.” Cat shrugged. “We haven’t really thought about it.”

  Jen looked at Billie, who also shrugged. “Boy, you two are a bundle of fun.”

  “What are you doing today, Jen?” asked Cat.

  Billie placed her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hand. “Yeah, what are you doing today?”

  Jen grinned. “Same thing you are¯don’t know.”

  “Boy, are we in a rut, or what?” Cat commented with a shake of her head.

  “What’s Fred doing today?” Billie asked.

  The three women looked at one another. “Don’t know,” they all exclaimed together, then broke into peals of laughter.

  “Hey, I’ve got a thought,” Jen said. “Last fall, didn’t we agree to do something fun when the weather got nice?”

  “I don’t remember agreeing to anything.”

  Jen punched Billie lightly in the shoulder. “You did too, Big Guy. After the cookout you hosted last fall we talked about doing something fun together in the spring. Well, spring has come and gone.”

  “Cookout?”

  “Yes. Right after your memory returned.”

  “Memory? What memory. I don’t remember a memory?”

  Jen slapped Billie gently on the back of the head. “Cut the shit. Don’t you remember playing with our heads about what a wonderful cook you thought you were? Like we would actually believe that.”

  Billie grinned. “Oh, yeah, that memory. I really had you going about me doing the cooking, didn’t I?”

  “I could have kicked your ass when you admitted to setting us up.”

  “You’re going to have to get a lot tougher before you can kick my ass, Blondie,” Billie said.

  “I’m plenty tough,” Jen replied, bristling.

  “Time out,” Cat interrupted. “Enough of the Alpha Girl posturing. Sheesh, you’d think you were teenagers.”

  “She started it,” Billie whined.

  “Did not,” Jen said.

  “Did too.”

  “Did not.”

  “Enough, or I’ll kick both your asses,” Cat warned.

  Billie raised her hands in surrender. “I know when I’m licked.”

  “Whipped is more like it,” Jen teased.

  “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” Billie wiggled her eyebrows. “Licked, whipped¯same church, different pew.”

  “You are such a pig,” Jen said.

  “Oink, oink.”

  Cat stood and picked up all three coffee cups. “No more coffee until you two can behave.”

  Billie and Jen looked at each other in mock dismay. “Yikes,” Billie said.

  “Double yikes,” Jen added. “Okay, we’ll behave.”

  “Good,” Cat said. “Now, back to our earlier conversation.”

  “I forget what we were talking about,” Billie said. “I think it was residual memory loss.”

  Just then, the back door opened, admitting Fred, Stevie, and Karissa. “Seth and Tara are upstairs, sweeties. Go on up,” Cat said to the children.

  Stevie and Karissa immediately took off into the living room as Fred helped himself to a cup of the fresh coffee. “Morning,” he said to everyone. “What’s up?”

  “Don’t know,” all three women said at once, dissolving into laughter.

  Fred looked at the three of them as though they were nuts. “Okay, what did you put in the coffee?”

  Chapter 4: The Attack of the Killer Ennui

  Billie pushed a chair out with her foot. “Have a seat, Fred.”

  He joined the women at the table. “So, really, what’s up?” he asked.

  “We’re just sitting here discussing how exciting our lives are these days,” Cat said.

  “Boring is more like it,” Jen piped in. “We really need to do something to get out of this rut.”

  “What do you mean boring?” Fred said.

  “What do I mean?” Jen exclaimed. “Hell, Fred, its Saturday night and none of us has a date,” she said pointedly.

  “Huh?”

  Jen kissed her husband’s forehead indulgently. “Sometimes you are so dense, Fred. Why do I keep you around?”

  “’Cause you can’t resist my good looks and charm?”

  “Oh, please.” Jen groaned. “Look, here we are, four healthy adults, five healthy children, and what are we doing? Sitting around pulling lint out of our belly buttons! How boring is that? We need some excitement in our lives.”

  Fred cocked his head. “Last fall, didn’t we talk about doing something together?”

  “We were talking about that very thing just before you came in,” Cat said.

  “I wouldn’t say our lives have been boring lately,” Billie objected. “I mean, brain surgery and memory loss are anything but boring.”

  “It’s not all about you, Billie. Why do you have to be so contrary?” Jen asked.

  Billie grinned, “Because you’re so easy to bait.”

  “Fu¯”

  “Jen, there are little ears around,” Cat interrupted.

  “Okay, okay.”

  So, Jen, what do you have in mind?” Billie asked.

  “I don’t know. Let’s go somewhere... do something,” she said, frustration clear in her voice.

  “That’s a great idea, Jen. In fact, our counselor recommended that to us just yesterday.”

  “You two are still seeing a shrink?” Jen asked.

  “Yes. We go every few weeks,” Billie said.

  “Are you guys okay?” Jen said. “I mean, I thought things were going pretty well lately.”

  “For the most part, things are going well, but Billie’s been having anxiety attacks. Doctor Connor thinks they’re stress related, so she recommended we get away for a while,” Cat said.

  “Well, it’s settled then,” Jen said. “Let’s do a trip together. Question is, what kind of trip?”

  “How about camping?” Cat suggested. “The Fourth of July is coming up. Maybe we can schedule it for then.”

  “That could be a lot of fun,” Jen said. “Yeah, we can rough it in tents. The kids would absolutely love it. No work, no stress, it should be relaxing. What do you all think?”

  Billie opened her mouth, but was interrupted by Fred. “I’m in. Some of my best childhood memories are of camping with my dad. Did I ever tell you I was a Boy Scout?”

  “Save it, Fred.” Jen looked at Billie. “So, what do you think?”

  Billie looked at Cat, and then at Jen. “I’m not so sure about camping.”

  “Come on, Billie. Doctor Connor did say we need to get away from it all,” Cat pointed out. “You won’t have to do anything. Jen and I can cook, you and Fred can go fishing. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

  Billie sighed. Shit, I hate camping. I know I’ll regret going, but how can I say so without hurting Cat’s feelings?

  “Billie?” Cat prompted.

  “Sure,” she heard herself say as she tried to put a smile on her face.
“Sounds like fun.” I guess I can sacrifice one weekend for Cat.

  Chapter 5: Timing is Everything

  “Two weeks? You made reservations for two weeks?” Billie ranted as she paced back and forth across the kitchen. “Cat, are you out of your mind? Two weeks?”

  Cat sat calmly at the table, both hands wrapped around her coffee mug, a travel brochure for the Happy Trails Campground on the table in front of her. “Calm down, Billie. Remember your blood pressure,” she said evenly. “The time will fly by. You’ll have so much fun you’ll wonder where the time went.” She tapped the brochure. “Look, there’s a lot to do at this campground.”

  Billie realized she wasn’t going to sway Cat with a tirade, so she sat down on the chair adjacent to her and reached out for her wife’s hands. “Cat... honey,” she began, “I have a confession to make. I really don’t like camping. I only agreed to go because you seemed so excited about it.”

  “What?” Cat said loudly. “Billie, how can you not like camping? That’s un-American. Have you ever even been camping?”

  “Yeah. When I was nine years old, I went to Girl Scout camp. I hated it. I was taller than the other girls, and they all made fun of me. It was a nightmare,” Billie recalled.

  Cat grinned. “You must have been cute in a Girl Scout uniform.”

  “Cat, we’re not talking about how cute I was as a Girl Scout.” Billie threw up her hands in frustration. “Damn it, will you take this seriously for a moment?”

  Cat wasn’t going to let Billie’s mood deter her. “Calm down, love. You aren’t nine anymore. Leave that to Tara. Heaven knows, I couldn’t handle two of you.”

  “Stop changing the subject. Look, a few days, I could deal with... maybe even a week, but two weeks? I don’t understand why anyone who lives in a home with electricity and running water and toilets would want to sleep in a nylon cave that heaves with every gust of wind.” She was desperate to make Cat see how unreasonable her expectations were.

  Cat placed a palm on Billie’s cheek. “Sweetheart, don’t be such a baby. Being one with nature is a great way to relax. You’ll have fun. We’ll bring the fireworks and sparklers. The kids will love it. Just give it a chance, okay?” She fluttered her eyelashes seductively at her wife.

  “Cat¯”

  “Yesssss?” Cat stood up and leaned down over the table. When their faces were within a hair’s breadth from each other, Cat nibbled butterfly kisses around Billie’s mouth.

  “I... ah... Cat...”

  “I’m listening,” Cat said as butterflies flitted across Billie’s chin and neck.

  “Cat,” Billie moaned, the damned butterflies on her collarbone now.

  “Hmm?”

  “Oh, God. Ah, about this camping trip?”

  “Yes?”

  “Do we get our own tent?”

  Chapter 6: If the Mountain Won’t Come to Mohammed...

  Billie and Cat stood in front of the display of camp stoves and cookware. “Okay, what’s on the list?” Billie asked.

  “Stove, pots and pans, utensils, propane, coffee pot, paper plates and cups, sleeping bags, air mattresses, tents, lanterns, canopy, rain gear, fire sticks, matches, trash bags, porta-potty, bug spray, sunscreen, first aid kit,” Cat replied.

  “Whoa! Slow down. That’s a pretty long list. There’s no way I’ll remember everything.”

  “Well, we’re basically starting with nothing.”

  “Why can’t we use the cookware we have in the house?” Billie asked.

  “I’m not going to drag our good cookware into the wild. I don’t want to ruin it.”

  “The wild? It’s a campground, right? Don’t tell me we’re roughing it out in the middle of nowhere.”

  Cat hip-bumped Billie. “Of course not, silly. This vacation is all about relaxing, and I want to make sure we’re as comfortable as possible. The last thing I want is for this trip to be a disaster. If that happens, I’ll never get you to go camping again.”

  “You got that right!”

  “Okay, so where were we? Oh, yes, we need a stove.”

  Several hours later, Billie, Cat, and their three kids were standing outside their car in the parking lot with three shopping carts of camping gear waiting to be loaded.

  “Where are we going to sit?” Seth asked.

  Billie shook her head. “What am I getting myself into?”

  “Why don’t you leave us here and take the gear home, then come back to get us,” Cat suggested.

  “I guess we don’t have many options, do we? I have a bad feeling about this, Cat.”

  “Don’t be so pessimistic, love. Think positively. You’ll see, it’ll be fun.”

  “Define fun.”

  “Waking up in the morning to the sounds of birds chirping, sharing breakfast cooked in the open air with our friends and family, kayaking, swimming, hiking. Come on, admit it. You’re looking forward to it as much as we are.”

  “Yeah, about as much as I’d look forward to a root canal.”

  “Don’t be such a grump.”

  “Grrr.”

  “The kids and I will go back into the store and browse, while you take our purchases home. We’ll see you in a few.”

  Billie grumbled to herself the entire way home. God, I hate shopping. I hate shopping even more than I hate camping. What was I thinking when I agreed to go on this camping trip anyway? Damn Cat for hitting me below the belt! She knows my weak spots, and she isn’t afraid to exploit them. Billie felt her heart skip a beat, followed by a rush of heat. So much for avoiding anxious situations.

  Cat and the children returned to the store, and the kids immediately scattered to the four winds. Seth went directly to the baseball equipment, Tara found the bicycles, and Skylar ran headlong into a very tall display of tennis balls—literally. The display folded in on itself like a perfectly planned demolition, and what seemed like an infinite number of tubes of tennis balls tumbled to the floor and rolled inconceivable distances down aisles and under racks of sportswear. Powerless to stop the implosion that was just beyond her reach, Cat shrieked, and Seth and Tara ran back to see what the ruckus was all about.

  “Sky! Why did you do that?” Tara shouted.

  Skylar immediately began to cry loudly.

  “Tara, don’t yell at your sister,” Cat scolded.

  “Look at what she did, Mama,” Tara said in her own defense.

  Skylar howled louder.

  “I can see what she did, but you’ve hurt her feelings. Skylar, please!” Cat said, a little more sternly than she intended.

  Skylar threw herself on the floor and bawled. Seth ran down the aisle to collect the tubes of balls that were still rolling away.

  Tara crossed her arms and pouted. Cat turned several shades of red.

  “Oh my!” said a store attendant from over Cat’s shoulder.

  Billie returned to collect her family a short time later. As she pulled into the parking lot, she could see them waiting in front of the store. Cat sat on a bench with the girls. She had her arm around Skylar, who was crying. Tara was glaring at her sister, and Seth stood several feet away, as if to disassociate himself from the others.

  “I don’t want to sit next to her,” Tara said as they climbed into the back seat.

  Cat rubbed her brow. “Seth, would you mind switching seats with Tara so you’re next to Skylar this time?”

  “Then I have to sit in the middle. I don’t want to sit in the middle,” he replied.

  “Seth, please. I’m not in the mood for this.”

  “Geesum!” he complained as he reluctantly belted himself into the middle seat.

  “What happened?” Billie said.

  Cat raised her hand to forestall any further enquiries. “Don’t ask.”

  The ride home was tense and silent. Skylar whimpered nearly all the way, falling silent only when they pulled into the driveway. The kids piled out of the car and rapidly retreated into the family room. Her arms filled with the last of their purchases, Billie followed Cat into the
house. When Cat stopped short, Billie almost ran into her. Cat’s shoulders began to shake.

  Oh great. She’s crying. Billie put her packages on the closest countertop and placed her hands on Cat’s shoulders, ready to apologize for her own sour mood. Suddenly Cat sank to the floor. It was only then that Billie realized Cat was laughing hysterically.

  “Oh my God! Look at all this stuff,” Cat exclaimed.

  Billie looked at the mountain of equipment in the middle of the kitchen floor and had to admit it was pretty comical. Soon Cat’s infectious mood spread, and Billie found herself on the floor next to her wife, holding her sides, which ached with laughter. She was suddenly aware of the light, happy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She also noted that her heart palpitations had stopped. The saying “laughter is the best medicine” sprang to mind. Hmm, maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

  Chapter 7: Is This What a Sardine Feels Like?

  Jen, Fred, Cat, and Billie sat around Jen’s dining room table looking at the food list they had prepared for their camping trip.

  “How many of us are there?” Fred teased, and then groaned as Jen elbowed him in the ribs.

  “We don't want to run out of food,” Cat said.

  “Yeah, but even our eating machines couldn’t go through all that in two weeks,” Billie observed. “There’s enough on that list to feed an army for a month.”

  “Okay, okay,” Cat said irritably. “Let’s see what we can eliminate.” Cat picked up the pencil and started making checkmarks next to the items that they absolutely had to have, Billie looking over her shoulder.

  “You forgot to check the popcorn,” Billie pointed out as Cat’s pencil bypassed it. Cat went back and checked popcorn, then continued down the list.

  “Wait, what about those dumplings you make with the red stuff in them?” Billie interrupted again. Cat shot Billie a sideways glare and went back and checked off the ingredients for raspberry turnovers.

  “Don't forget¯Hey!” Billie protested as Cat tossed the pencil and list at her.

  “You take care of the food list Ms. ‘I can't cook to save my soul.’”