Tell Me You Do

by Fiona Harper

Now, Jason was used to being on the frosty end of some people’s behaviour, and often for good reason, but he couldn’t think of one thing he’d done to upset Kelly since they’d got back to the hotel—heck, he’d hardly seen her—and this attitude she was giving him was really starting to tick him off. At least, that was one reason he was starting to feel so agitated. The other was that she was scaring the crap out of him.

  He stepped forward again and spoke to her in a firm tone. ‘Kelly? Look at me.’

  She did. There was a look of shock on her features, as if she couldn’t quite believe how she was behaving either.

  ‘You need to tell me what’s up.’

  Her jaw clenched and she glared at him. He could feel the warmth of her anger radiating out towards him, making his skin prickle. Good. It was better than the lifeless zombie act she’d been pulling.

  ‘Tell me!’

  ‘Okay.’ Her voice was tight, defiant. ‘But don’t blame me if you don’t want to hear it.’

  ‘I don’t care what it is,’ he told her. ‘I’m ready.’

  Let her tell him it had all been a terrible mistake. Let her tell him she’d rather shoot herself than go out with him once they got back to London. He really didn’t care. He just wanted something from her.

  She scooted further away from him and sat up straight, her back rigid against the headboard. ‘I found …’ her lip began to wobble ‘… a lump.’

  He frowned. A lump? What kind of lump? On her head? Because that would certainly explain this crazy behaviour.

  Her hand flew to her left breast. ‘Here …’

  That was when the grenade exploded inside Jason’s head, when everything he thought he’d known about terror was put into sharp perspective. Suddenly, curling into a ball and pretending to be comatose didn’t seem quite so crazy after all.

  ‘Wh …? How …?’ He couldn’t quite manage to get a sentence out. He stood up and backed away, as if by creating distance he could somehow make the truth of what she’d said smaller and less significant.

  ‘But it could be nothing,’ he almost whispered. ‘Right?’

  She nodded, but she didn’t look any happier. ‘It also could be something. I can’t ignore that.’

  And neither could he.

  Kelly lay on her flattened-out business-class seat with a thin duvet clutched around her. The cabin wall was only inches from her nose and it was all blurry, but she couldn’t be bothered to bring it back into focus. Going cross-eyed looking at the wall, maybe even pretending, just a little bit, to be asleep, was much better than making polite conversation with Jason for the next few hours.

  Thankfully, the lateness of their flight meant that the cabin lights were off and many passengers were dozing with their eye masks on. Those who were awake were glued to soundless personal TV screens spewing colourful images.

  He was saying all the right things, doing all the right things, being attentive and thoughtful. But she just couldn’t face him anymore. That was only a thin veil, and behind the veil was the fear. She could see it as clearly as she could see the tiny white flecks in his warm blue irises.

  And she knew all about fear. Knew it wasn’t logical or tame. Knew it sprung from somewhere deep inside that couldn’t be controlled by conscious thought. This kind of fear was a reflex. Fight or flight.

  She knew what she’d chosen—fight. She had to.

  But she also knew Jason’s ingrained reaction lay down the other path.

  And that was what she really couldn’t face. It was breaking her heart.

  Jason picked up Kelly’s case from the baggage carousel and dumped it onto the waiting trolley. The flight in had been strange. Kelly had flattened her seat out once the seat-belt sign had gone off and just laid there for an hour. Then she’d sat up and seemed more normal. Seemed more normal.

  She’d eaten a meal, watched a movie, slept a little. She’d even said a handful of sentences to him. Bland, functional words, sure, but at least she’d left the catatonic state behind. She seemed to be calm and together. Dealing with things.

  Maybe she was.

  Or maybe she was freaking out inside and this was the only way to cope. He knew that was what he was doing. The urge to just pretend it was all a bad dream was becoming almost irresistible.

  So he gave her room, let her have the thinking space she needed. She’d bounce back sooner or later, wouldn’t she? She’d start fighting, the way she’d said she would. And it wasn’t until Jason watched her walking, poker straight, in front of the trolley that he realised how much he needed her to do that.

  As they went through the doors to the arrivals hall he called out to her, ‘I’ve got a car waiting.’

  But at the same moment he saw her lift her hand and wave half-heartedly at someone on the other side of the barrier. An unreasonable and scorching jealousy poker seared through him, thinking it might be her ex-husband. But he saw an attractive blonde rush towards her and a tall guy scowling at him. The expression on his face was completely familiar to Jason; there was no doubt that this man was her brother and he seemed to be holding Jason personally responsible for something.

  His jaw tightened and he met the man’s gaze. For once in his life, he’d been anything but trouble to a woman. You’d think he’d get some kudos for that, at least.

  Kelly looked over her shoulder at him. ‘Thanks, but I arranged transport.’ And then she looked away again.

  Transport. Was that all he was now? Transport? He pushed the trolley faster to catch up with her.

  ‘Kelly!’

  She stopped walking, paused for a moment, then faced him. For the first time since she’d zoned out on the plane there was emotion in her expression. Her eyes glimmered and when she spoke it was a hoarse whisper. ‘Jason, I …’ She shook her head. ‘Please … I’ll see you on Monday.’ And then she stepped in close and softly kissed his cheek before turning away and heading into the arms of the blonde for a long hug.

  The brother came and retrieved her case from the trolley, still keeping a beady eye on Jason, and then he was left standing there on his own, people from the next flight streaming around him as he watched them leave the terminal.

  ‘How are you holding up?’

  Kelly took a moment before she responded to her sister-in-law. She’d been listening to the drumming of the rain on their conservatory roof and it had momentarily helped her to zone out.

  ‘As well as can be expected,’ she told Chloe. ‘Seeing as I’ve got another week before I can attend the clinic for tests.’ She reached over the kitchen table and squeezed her sister-in-law’s hand. ‘Thanks for inviting me for lunch.’

  Chloe smiled. ‘You know you and the boys are always welcome, and I love any excuse to cook a huge Sunday roast …’

  Kelly frowned. ‘It sounds as if there’s a but missing at the end of that sentence.’

  The smile faded from Chloe’s face. ‘I suppose I wasn’t sure you’d come, although I’m glad you did.’

  Kelly couldn’t help laughing. ‘Why wouldn’t I come? I didn’t have to cook and you saved me from being cooped up indoors in this horrendous, supposed-to-be-summer weather with the boys bouncing off the walls.’ Her expression grew more serious and she swallowed. ‘I’d have ended up getting fractious and shouting at them, and they really don’t deserve that.’

  ‘No …’ Chloe agreed. ‘I’m just glad you’re letting me and Dan help, in whatever small way we can, that’s all.’

  Kelly’s eyebrows hitched. ‘Are you saying I’m normally some antisocial grouch who won’t even accept free food when it’s on offer?’

  Chloe shook her head. ‘Don’t be daft. I just meant that sometimes you put up some pretty thick walls.’

  ‘Last week you told me I’m the most open person you know.’

  Chloe stood up and went to check on the dinner. She opened the oven door and a waft of chickeny steam escaped. Moments later it hit Kelly in the nostrils and her stomach contracted in hunger.

  ‘It’s not the same thing an
d you know it.’ She gave Kelly a hard stare as she looped the oven gloves back over the handle on the door. ‘There’s a difference between saying the first thing that comes into your head and being … guarded.’

  ‘I’m not guarded,’ Kelly said quietly. At least, she wasn’t anymore. She felt as if all those thick walls Chloe had accused her of having had crumbled into ash. She kept trying to gather them to herself, find some kind of refuge in them, but they disintegrated under her touch.

  She shook her head and a single tear slid down her cheek. ‘I’m scared, Chloe. And I’m doing my best not to be, but I don’t know if I can do it all again!’

  Chloe rushed over and put her arm round her. ‘It could be nothing … You said that yourself.’

  Kelly nodded. Yes, she knew what she’d said. But wishing wouldn’t make it true.

  ‘But if it isn’t …’

  ‘You can’t think like that!’

  Chloe sounded almost angry. Kelly wished she could summon up some of that fire herself. She needed it. For so long she’d lived with it burning away inside her and now, when it could really do some good, it had flickered out and died.

  ‘I know, I know… .’

  At that moment, her three-year-old came running into the room. He made a beeline for Kelly and launched himself at her. She hauled him into her lap and hugged him tight. He hid his face in her shoulder and only peeked out again when Dan came storming into the room. She hauled in some oxygen. She couldn’t be weak now, she couldn’t. She’d have to find that fire from somewhere. Find that fight.

  And she could only think of one way to do that. Only one area of her life had changed… . Her boys needed her to be strong and she wouldn’t let them down.

  She smoothed back Ben’s hair and kissed his forehead, made herself look and sound like the mother he recognised.

  Dan brandished a red felt-tip pen. ‘I just found him with this,’ he told them, ‘and a guilty look on his face.’

  Kelly’s insides dived and she looked down at her son. He’d been drawing on the wall? Again?

  ‘You’d just better hope I got to him before he went all Picasso on us,’ Dan said. ‘I’m going to check the downstairs cloakroom, seeing as that was the location of his last masterpiece.’ He stomped from the room.

  Kelly shot Chloe an apologetic look, but held her son tighter. She knew she was supposed to discipline him at this moment, but now she was hugging him she couldn’t seem to stop. ‘I’ll repair the damage, if there is any.’

  Chloe just looked heavenwards and let out a breath. ‘Ignore my husband. He knows perfectly well we repainted with washable paint and that pen will probably come off with a bit of elbow grease and a damp cloth.’

  ‘Ben?’ Her son looked up at her with unblinking, innocent eyes. Kelly stared back at him. She knew that look. He was going to be in big trouble when his uncle found where he’d decided to explore his artistic skills. She picked him up and set him on the floor, even though he tried to cling to her. ‘You’d better go and show Uncle Dan where you did the drawing.’

  Ben bit his lip and shook his head.

  ‘The longer he spends looking the angrier he’ll be!’

  Ben ran off in the direction of the lounge. Kelly closed her eyes and prayed that Chloe’s cream sofa was still as pristine as it had been when they’d arrived, then she turned to look at her sister-in-law. ‘What’s got my brother in such a grump today?’

  Chloe sighed. ‘Aside from the fact the weather gods decreed he shalt not barbecue?’

  Kelly nodded. Dan had lightened up a ton since he’d met Chloe. This bear-with-a-sore-head routine was reminding her of the ‘old’ him.

  ‘We had another argument about having a baby. He says it’s too soon, my mother says I’m almost too late and I …’ her eyes misted over ‘… I just want one so badly it hurts.’

  Kelly nodded, even as the back of her nose started to feel thick and her eyes prickled. ‘You just leave him to me,’ she said with a grim face. ‘I’ll put him straight.’

  Maybe after Ben’s latest artwork was found and erased, though. There was no point looking for trouble.

  Jason arrived while the cleaning staff were still doing their rounds on Monday morning. Although dawn had been hours ago, London looked as grey and damp as it usually did on a winter afternoon.

  He had to see Kelly at the earliest opportunity to know if she was okay. He’d sensed she needed space—from him, as well as everything else, unfortunately—and he’d given it to her, even though it had been agony.

  After the accident that had changed his and Brad’s lives, people had flurried around him, saying the most inane things, as if their paltry attempts at cheering him up could make a difference. He’d wanted to tune them all out. And he’d learnt to. He’d learnt how to pull back inside himself and find space to heal on his own terms, and he’d showed Kelly the same respect by allowing her to do the same.

  Didn’t mean he didn’t want to see her, though. Didn’t mean he wasn’t waiting for that moment when she’d burst through the office door, wiggle her way over to his desk, give him one of her long, flesh-stripping looks then open her mouth and finish the job with a choice phrase or two.

  When he heard movement in the outer office, he couldn’t help himself. He rushed across his office and flung the door open. She was taking her raincoat off, shaking the drips off the shoulders before hanging it up, and he didn’t think he’d ever seen her look more beautiful. Gone was the casual travel wear of the previous Friday, replaced by her favourite pencil skirt and the same blouse she’d worn the first day they’d met.

  He didn’t waste any time in closing the distance between them, but as he pulled her close, pressed his lips to the little space under her ear, Kelly went still in his arms.

  ‘Jason,’ she said in a warning voice. ‘Not here.’

  He looked up and realised what she meant. The door to the ante-office was open and anyone walking past could have seen them. He ran his hand down her arm to catch her fingertips and then tugged her in the direction of his office. With two sturdy closed doors between them and the outside world, they could make up for lost time.

  But Kelly slid her fingers out of his, then tidied an invisible strand of hair by tucking it behind her ear. ‘Give me a moment, will you? I’ll be right in.’

  He nodded and backed up to his office door, not quite able to tear his eyes off her and look away. She looked well, didn’t she? And the greyness of whatever mood had settled on her on their return flight had gone. That had to be a good sign.

  So he went back into his office and waited, resting his butt against the desk and crossing one foot over the other. Moments later Kelly appeared, pad in hand and walked towards him. She stopped when she was just out of touching distance. Jason deposited his weight back on his feet so he could rectify that.

  Kelly folded her arms, hugging her notebook to her chest. ‘I … I don’t think we should get too … you know … at the office. People will talk.’

  Frankly, Jason didn’t care if his staff wrote a musical about them and performed it on the street in front of the building. In fact, he might just audition for the role of leading man himself.

  He let one side of his mouth hitch up. ‘One little kiss won’t hurt.’

  Kelly glanced nervously over her shoulder at the closed door. That didn’t stop him from moving closer, from tugging the notebook and pen from her stiff fingers and throwing them onto the desk behind him. It also didn’t stop him sliding his arms around her and teasing her soft lips with his own. She closed her eyes and let out a jagged sigh.

  This was better. This was what he’d been dreaming about all weekend. Well, part of what he’d been dreaming about all weekend. The full-length version had a lot more skin-to-skin contact and nowhere near as many clothes.

  She allowed him to kiss her and then she placed a hand on his chest and stepped back. ‘Not a word all weekend and now you’re all over me?’ Funnily enough, she didn’t seem to be angry. ‘I thought I�
�d scared you off.’

  Ah, there it was. The hint of challenge in those last words, the tiny flash of something hot behind her placid expression.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘You know that’s not true.’

  She raised her eyebrows. ‘Do I?’

  Yes, she did. She knew him better than that. He gave her a look that told her as much. She looked away.

  ‘Whatever it was we were starting, Jason … I think we should put it on hold.’

  He blinked. The words made no sense to him, not at first. It took a while for them to shuffle themselves into the right order and sink in. ‘On hold?’ What did that mean?

  She crossed her arms again and shot him a pleading look. ‘I don’t know what’s in my immediate future, let alone the long term.’ She broke eye contact and stared at her shoes before looking at him from under her lashes. ‘I need to concentrate on me and my boys at the moment. It’s just not the right time for a relationship … or whatever.’

  Or whatever.

  Jason didn’t lose his temper very often, too busy floating above any negative emotions for them to have any impact, but now he could feel his blood pressure climbing.

  Or whatever?

  Even his father had never damned him with such faint praise.

  ‘I’m not saying for ever. Just for now. I can’t … deal … with it right now. I’ve got too much else on my mind.’

  And now he was a problem to be dealt with. That sounded like something his father would say. He’d just never thought he’d hear those kind of words coming out of Kelly’s mouth. She might tell it straight, but she was never usually that hard and judgemental.

  He shook his head, walked back around his desk and sat down in his chair. ‘Fine,’ he said, his voice taut. ‘Whatever you want.’ And he picked up his basketball and shot it through the hoop without even lining it up.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  THE BASKETBALL ROLLED across the floor. Kelly watched it for a few moments then walked stiffly to pick it up before handing it back to Jason. ‘This has all happened so fast. It’s all so new. Too new.’

  Too new for all she might have to face in the coming months. She didn’t even know if she had the strength to cope with it. Maybe because she understood what was coming. Jason might have good intentions, but he was clueless. She didn’t want to lean on him, trust him, then find it was all too much and she was on her own again, worse off than she would have been if she’d been standing on her own two feet.