“I need some time,” Zach blurted, cutting her off. Fucking Christ. He really did feel sick. She was talking about him marrying her… was history doomed to repeat itself?
Janis started crying. “You’re not going to let me down, are you? You don’t want this baby to grow up like you did, right, Zach?”
That one, at least, he had an answer for.
“Of course I don’t.”
Janis gave him a trembling smile, some of the tension easing out of her shoulders.
“Thank you. I knew you’d do the right thing. How should we—”
He held up a hand, needing her to stop. Just… stop. Let him catch his breath and have a minute to start dealing with the loss of everything he’d wanted. How had Micah put it when Zach had been grieving for his father?
You’ve lost the chance for what should have been.
“Janis, I’m going to need a little time to wrap my head around this,” he said, his voice raspy. “You’re going to need to give me a few days, and then I’ll… I’ll call you.”
For a minute, she looked like she was going to argue, but something in his face must have made her think better of it.
“Fine,” she said, gathering up her purse. “I’ve got to get ready for work soon, anyway. But don’t take too long, okay?” She stood up, resting a hand on her stomach. “This little one isn’t just going to wait around.”
Zach gave her a jerky nod, a part of him wanting to hate her… but the sincere tenderness that crept over her face as she stroked her belly meant he couldn’t. Whatever Janis’s failings were, he believed her when she said she wanted the baby. Janis wasn’t his mother. And he, God help him, wouldn’t let himself turn into his father.
No matter what it cost him.
20
Micah
Micah didn’t realize how long he’d been standing there just staring into the fridge until he shivered, the cold finally getting to him. He sighed, stepping back and letting the door swing closed. He wasn’t really hungry, anyway. He was moping. The fact that he’d actually been looking at his leftovers and considering giving them to Pippin as a treat when she got home was a sure sign of it.
But maybe moping wasn’t really the right word, either. Could you miss someone before they were even gone?
His phone rang, and he leapt for it. It wasn’t a number he had programmed into his contacts, but he swiped to answer anyway. Anything that wasn’t wrestling with what his heart was telling him was the right thing to do would be a welcome distraction.
“Micah Rawlings?”
“Yes?”
The voice was vaguely familiar, but Micah couldn’t place it. He wandered into the living room as he held the phone to his ear. Normally, the room’s happy colors made him feel better, but now they all blurred together in his imperfect vision, and the only things that he seemed able to focus on were the small signs of Pippin’s presence in his life.
The bright blue Kong that Micah always tripped over, but that Pipp loved so much.
Her cushy bed pillow, a hot pink and purple leopard print that Sam called an atrocity and Pippin adored as much as Micah did.
Her crate.
Her squeaky taco.
The pretty food and water bowls that Rachel-Lyn had gotten specially engraved with Pippin’s name two Christmases ago.
“Sorry, what?” Micah said into the phone, realizing he’d totally missed whatever the caller had just said.
The man on the other end of the line laughed. “I said that the images you emailed, especially the set from Coronado, are definitely ones I’m interested in showing at the gallery.”
Micah blinked, refocusing on the phone call. It was Koen West. He liked Micah’s work?
“Um, that’s… amazing. Thank you.”
Koen laughed again. “Is that a yes? You don’t sound as keen on it as I’d hoped.”
Micah smiled despite himself. “No. I mean, yes. I’m very, um, keen on it. Sorry, Koen, I just… I had some news earlier that was distracting me, but having my pictures in your gallery really would be amazing. Everything there was so beautiful. Um, how does it work exactly?”
“Well, that depends on you, Micah,” Koen said. “I have some ideas about how to present your work and a standard contract I use when representing new artists. Could you come in sometime this week? We could talk about some options and go over your portfolio.”
Micah smiled again, the idea that his hobby could be considered a “portfolio” all kinds of flattering.
“Yes, that would be great, Koen, thanks,” he said, nibbling his lip. He bent down and scooped Pipp’s squeaky taco off the floor. “You really think people might actually want to buy the pictures I made?”
A knock sounded at the door, startling Micah into squeezing the taco too hard. The loud squeak meant he missed Koen’s response.
“Sorry, what was that?” Micah asked, tossing the toy onto the couch and heading toward the door to answer it.
“I said, I do think so,” Koen said, his tone of voice making Micah think that he was probably smiling, too. “If I didn’t think there was a market for your work, Micah, I wouldn’t offer to have it at the gallery.”
Micah opened the door, expecting to see Alicia and Pippin, but it was Zach. Some of the heaviness in Micah’s chest eased. Zach hadn’t known how long the lunch with his ex might last, but he’d said he’d call Micah once it was over. Having him show up instead was even better, though.
Zach was just standing there, his eyes roaming hungrily over Micah’s face, so Micah held his phone up to show he was on a call and pulled Zach inside, listening as Koen rattled off details for the gallery appointment.
“Okay,” Micah said into the phone. “Um, could you also email that to me, do you think?”
He wasn’t going to remember, and as exciting as it should have been, now that Zach was there, Micah just wanted him.
Zach tugged him over to the yellow couch as if he could tell Micah needed him, but when he sat, it was right on top of the squeaky toy. He popped back up, tossing it aside. Micah covered the mic on his phone so he could whisper a hushed sorry as he finished up the call with Koen, more than happy to let Zach pull him down onto his lap once the squeaky taco was out of the way.
Zach was amazing. He seemed to know without Micah needing to say anything that he could use some comfort.
“I’m so glad you’re here, Zach,” Micah said as soon as he ended the call with the gallery owner. “I got some b-bad news.”
He ducked his head against Zach’s chest, his voice shaking.
“The call was bad news?” Zach asked quietly, smoothing a hand down Micah’s back.
“No.” Micah’s throat tightened up, even though really, Zach being there had already made things better, even though nothing had actually changed. “The call was actually good news? Um, it was the gallery that I had your picture done at. The owner wants to show my work there. He thinks people might want to buy some of it.”
“That’s great, baby,” Zach said, kissing his temple.
“It is,” Micah said.
He swallowed, the lump in his throat getting bigger and threatening to turn into tears.
The gallery news was great. But…
“Alicia and her mom are moving away.”
Zach’s hand went still on his back. “Pippin’s Alicia?” he asked, the description making Micah’s heart hurt all over again. But then Zach’s hand went back to stroking, which helped.
“Yes,” Micah said, kind of never wanting to move. If he could manage that, if he could stay in this moment forever, then the Lees wouldn’t move away, and Pippin wouldn’t be sad.
Or maybe Micah wouldn’t be sad.
No one would have to be sad.
Micah sighed. “Do you know how much it changed my life when Mam got Pippin for me?”
“I can try to imagine,” Zach said, pressing a kiss against Micah’s temple. “But I’m not sure if I can ever know.”
His answer made Micah smile. It always
felt like Zach understood him inside and out, even when he was admitting that he didn’t.
“It wasn’t just how much easier it was to get around with Pipp, but like…”
Micah didn’t even know where to start trying to explain. It was too big. Pippin was his friend. A companion. She was smart and loyal and wonderful and he loved her. And when he’d ventured out into the world blind, with Pipp at his side, the three M’s had worried about him just a little bit less.
It hadn’t just been the greater freedom that Pippin’s guidance had allowed him, but the fact that, with her, he’d been freed from some of the overprotective hovering that he’d grown up with all his life. Pippin had expanded his world, and over the last six months, he’d watched as she’d done the same for Alicia.
Zach didn’t act even a little bit impatient when Micah just nestled against him without finishing what he’d been saying.
Zach really was the best thing ever.
“You know, after my surgery, just being able to see at all was so amazing that it took me a while before I realized I couldn’t really see right. I mean, not the way other people do? And oh my God, Zach, I was so clumsy at first. I bumped into everything.”
Zach made a little sound that might have been a chuckle, and Micah smiled against his chest.
“I mean, I know you probably think I’m clumsy now, too, but it was so much worse then. Like… so much worse. And so I figured, well, no problem, I’ll just go out with Pipp, the way I used to. The two of us were a team, and I didn’t see why anything needed to change, really. I thought it might even be better? Like, she wouldn’t have to work so hard, maybe.”
“What happened, baby?”
Micah sighed, sitting up and wiggling around to face Zach.
“It didn’t work so well,” he admitted. “I kept second-guessing her. I didn’t mean to—I trusted her, of course—but when she’d try to guide me, sometimes I’d hesitate. I’d think I saw something, but then it wouldn’t be there? Like, it would turn out to be just shadows or whatever. Or Pipp would tell me to stop, but I couldn’t see why, and then there’d actually be a curb or something that I hadn’t been able to make sense of. Something I’d just thought was a shadow, or hadn’t even been able to see at all, and I’d trip over it, and she’d whine…”
“That must have been frustrating, for both of you,” Zach said after a minute.
“It was.” Remembering it still made him feel bad. “Pippin was so confused. The worst part was that I could tell she thought she was doing something wrong, and she totally wasn’t. It was all me. And then, when I gave up and stopped trying to take her out in harness at all… can dogs get depressed? Because she was. Totally depressed.”
“And then Alicia came along.”
Micah nodded. “I mean, we’d already met her? And Pipp liked Alicia from the start. But when I started showing her how to use Pipp in harness, it was like Pippin was herself again, you know? She was happy. Pippin’s not happy when she doesn’t work. And Alicia was happy, too.”
And safe.
And confident.
Micah felt the hot prick of tears behind his eyes, and Zach leaned forward, resting their foreheads together.
“Oh, baby. I’m sorry. You love them both.”
Micah took a shuddering breath. Of course he did. So really, he could mope all he wanted, but he still knew how it would end up. Love didn’t really leave him a choice, did it? And that was okay, because loving someone meant that their happiness made him happy, even if it hurt along the way.
“Did you ever know something was the right thing to do, Zach, but you still didn’t want to do it… even when you knew it would make someone else’s life better?”
“Yeah,” Zach said, his voice sounding kind of raw as he tightened his arms around Micah.
“And it still is the right thing, right? Even when it means you have to give up something you really, really love?”
“Yeah,” Zach said again, kind of sounding like he might cry, too. “Even then.”
Micah pulled away, sitting up and cocking his head to the side as he tried to see Zach better. Zach’s voice wasn’t just compassionate, it was too… rough. His dimples were in hiding. There was too much tension in Zach’s body and his breathing was all wrong.
Micah closed his eyes, lying a hand against the side of Zach’s face, tracing its familiar shape to try and tell if he was just imagining it.
No, he wasn’t.
“What happened, Zach?” Micah frowned as he opened his eyes again. Yes, Zach loved him, but he wasn’t just feeling bad for Micah. If Micah hadn’t been so caught up in his own sadness, he would have seen it the minute Zach walked in.
Something was wrong.
Zach’s arms tightened around him again, but he shook his head without answering. And that wasn’t like Zach. He just didn’t keep things from Micah, especially not since his father had died.
“Tell me,” Micah said, worried. “Please?”
For a minute, he thought Zach might not, but then Zach squeezed him even tighter and buried his face against Micah’s neck, whispering the words against his skin.
“Janis told me she’s pregnant.”
“Okay,” Micah said, sort of petting his head. “So, that’s what she wanted to see you about?”
Zach made a noise that was probably meant to be “yes.”
“Um…” Micah sucked on his lip, trying to figure out what he was missing. Zach had been pretty clear that he didn’t have feelings for her anymore, and for the life of him, Micah wasn’t sure why the news was upsetting his boyfriend so much. “So what was it she needed help with? Because… you’re a medic? Is there a medical problem?”
“No,” Zach said, sounding weary as he finally loosened his arms. Worn out. Empty. He let his head fall back against the couch, and the way his face looked kind of scared Micah. It was so different from how Zach usually looked that for a second, Micah forgot all about Pippin and Alicia and his own sadness and just froze, holding his breath as he waited to hear what had sucked all Zach’s happiness out of him like that.
“Janis says it’s mine, Micah.”
“Um, what is?”
Zach made a sound a bit like laughter, except dry and ragged. Painful. Hearing it made the hair on the back of Micah’s neck stand up, and even before Zach answered, Micah got a really, really bad feeling in his chest.
“She says the baby is mine, Micah,” Zach finally said, scrubbing a hand over his face. “That’s why Janis wanted to see me. She needs help with it. Prenatal care. For me to take responsibility.”
Micah blinked. The words didn’t make sense. They’d gone Picasso. He’d seen Janis at the hospital, and she hadn’t looked pregnant. He was pretty sure Zach didn’t even like her anymore. Besides, Zach was his boyfriend, so how would he have gotten Janis pregnant?
“But… it’s not, right?” Micah finally prodded when Zach didn’t say anything else. “The baby, I mean. Janis is wrong about that.”
Zach squeezed his eyes closed, still not saying anything. And then there was a hitch in his breath like he really was trying not to cry, and it made Micah go cold.
Was Janis right? The baby was Zach’s?
Micah swallowed hard, grasping for an explanation that would make sense.
“So… she got pregnant before? Um, before you and I met, I mean?”
Zach made another horrible little sound. He shook his head, finally opening his gorgeous storm-blue eyes. They looked bleak and sad as they met Micah’s.
“I’m sorry, Micah. Janis says it happened last month, the night I had that surfing accident.”
Sorry.
Sorry?
Micah felt dizzy, and he slid off Zach’s lap onto the other couch cushion, his thoughts feeling untethered. Had he remembered to eat lunch? He knew he’d eaten earlier that day—he’d had breakfast with Zach, woken up all warm and happy and wrapped up in Zach’s arms—but lunch? He might have missed it. In fact, he had, hadn’t he? So it made sense that he fel
t dizzy. Because he’d gone to the Lees’ at lunchtime… and then he’d come home… and he hadn’t eaten with Zach, because Zach had been at lunch with Janis.
Janis… who was going to have Zach’s baby?
Micah stood up abruptly, suddenly feeling too jittery and a little sick and not at all sure what to do with his hands. They just seemed to be flopping about, looking for something to hold onto that wasn’t there.
He shoved them in his pockets.
Zach had been so upset the night of his accident… and Micah had been so worried about him… and things happen. When people were hurting, sometimes they did things they didn’t mean. Micah knew that. Everyone knew that. And he also knew that Zach loved him. Like, really loved him. He trusted Zach. The three M’s had been so quick to believe Janis when she’d brought Zach into the hospital, but Micah’s faith in him had never wavered.
And even if Micah had been wrong, that still didn’t mean… it wasn’t necessarily… it couldn’t… it might still be all right, right?
They might still be all right.
He heard another horrible little sound, but it wasn’t until Zach stood up and wrapped his arms around him that Micah realized that the sound had come from his own throat this time. He wanted them to be all right, but the idea of Zach turning to Janis like that hurt something inside him that he’d thought couldn’t be hurt. Something he’d thought Zach’s love made safe from that kind of pain. Invulnerable.
Something Micah had never doubted… before.
“You’re saying you slept with her?”
“I don’t remember it, Micah,” Zach said, his voice sounding exactly as bad as Micah’s heart felt. “I want to be able to tell you that I didn’t. That I wouldn’t. You’re everything to me, baby. But… fuck. Fuck. I would have said the same thing about surfing at night like that. That it’s something I just wouldn’t do.”
Looking For Love (Semper Fi, The Forever Faithful Series Book 2) Page 25
