Micah’s head rested against Zach’s chest, and he could hear the beat of Zach’s heart, steady and strong and true. He could feel Zach’s arms around him, safe and secure. Zach’s breath ruffled his hair and his warmth seeped into Micah’s skin.
Zach was all around him, but somehow, Micah still felt alone.
“I do remember being with her that night,” Zach said, his voice sort of flat and broken-sounding. “Not sleeping with her. I don’t remember that. But… I do know she was at the beach with me, and if I can’t even remember the accident, how can I be sure of anything else that happened? All I know right now is that she says she’s going to have my baby, and she expects me to do the right thing.”
“What’s the right thing?” Micah asked, feeling small. He stepped away from Zach so he could look up at him. He normally didn’t like trusting just his eyes, but touching Zach was just too much right now. Or maybe not enough.
Zach swallowed, going pale.
“Taking care of the baby is the right thing,” Zach said in a tight voice. “I knew that, even before Janis told me it was mine. The baby deserves more from a father than just someone to pay for its prenatal care.”
Zach would be such a good father, Micah knew that for sure. Just like he knew how much it had hurt Zach that his own father hadn’t been there for him… that John Pearce had always put his own needs first… that he hadn’t married Zach’s mother.
The last thought made Micah’s stomach squeeze into a painful knot, so tightly—so fast—that he thought he might actually be sick.
Suddenly, he didn’t care at all about whether or not Zach had slept with Janis. That was the past, and it was over, but if Zach didn’t want to repeat his father’s mistakes, did that mean that he’d actually…
“What are you going to do?” Micah asked in a strangled voice, wanting Zach to hold him again.
Wanting Zach.
Was he going to marry her?
“I don’t know,” Zach said quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I told Janis I needed some time to figure that out. I promised to talk to her in a few days, but I… I can’t let this child grow up like I did, Micah. I’ve got to do the right thing. I’d hate myself if I didn’t.”
Of course Zach had to do the right thing. He wouldn’t be Zach if he didn’t.
Micah wanted to cry.
“And I think you’re right,” Zach said softly, offering Micah’s own words back to him. “Sometimes the right thing to do isn’t something you want to do. Sometimes it means you have to give up something you really, really love.”
And then Micah did cry. “Are you breaking up with me?”
Zach pulled him close again, and Micah closed his eyes and did his best to wrap his whole body around Zach’s. Breathed in all the warmth and strength and goodness that just that morning, he’d thought were his to keep.
Maybe even forever.
“I love you,” Zach said. The conviction in his voice and the promise of his arms made Micah believe it… but that just hurt all the worse.
Because even though it was true, Zach hadn’t actually answered the question, had he?
21
Zach
Ana’s apartment was dark and quiet when Zach got home from the base Friday night. He hadn’t seen her all week, and he had a dozen excuses ready to check up on her… none of which would do him any good if she wasn’t even home. But that’s right. It wasn’t just Friday, it was the second Friday of the month. Bingo night at her church.
He knocked on her door anyway, deadheading a few of the ivy-leafed geraniums in her window box while he waited out the silence. After a few minutes, though, it became clear that she really wasn’t there.
Zach glanced over at the gooseberry bush, half hoping La Prensa would be stuck inside so he could at least do something. No newspaper, though. He rubbed the back of his neck, staring unenthusiastically up the stairs toward his empty apartment. All week, he’d exhausted himself after work every day with any and every adrenaline-inducing activity he could think of in an effort to clear his head.
Well, every one except surfing. It might be a while before he got back to that.
Tonight, though, he’d had to face the fact that none of it had helped. He didn’t feel any less confused about what to do than he had five days ago, when Janis had blindsided him with her news.
No, not confused. He knew what he needed to do… he just hadn’t been able to make peace with it yet.
Zach sighed. He was going to have to, though. Continuing to put it off wasn’t making it any easier.
Earlier that day, he’d finally made good on his promise and gotten in touch with her. She was going to come over to his place the next day—Saturday—to talk, and if he was honest, what Zach really wanted to do with his Friday night wasn’t visit with Ana or think of some new way to get an adrenaline rush.
It was to be with Micah.
He wanted to wrap himself up in Micah’s love and never let it go. That would be selfish, though. He missed Micah like air, but he’d still made it a point to stay away from him during the week. Partly because it didn’t seem fair to lean on him when Zach couldn’t make him any promises, and partly because he honestly wasn’t sure he’d be able to give Micah up at all if he didn’t stay away.
And doing right by his unborn child? Zach just didn’t see how to do that without giving Micah up.
Financial support wasn’t enough, Zach knew that firsthand. Even before Janis had told him it was his, the thought of any child growing up without feeling wanted hurt something inside him that he suspected might never heal, no matter how much he worked to make peace with his own past. So regardless of his feelings about Janis, or how much he’d like to avoid facing what he had to do, a part of Zach had known the minute Janis had said it was his that he was going to have to go all in with the baby.
Be there one hundred percent.
Be a family.
Zach leaned against Ana’s door, his heart feeling bleak. He’d really been hoping she might need him for something tonight, even if it was just company. After a moment, he pushed himself away from her door, heading for the stairs.
The gooseberry bush rustled as he passed it, and Zach stopped, a small smile playing over his mouth as the sound reminded him of the promise he’d made to his… Micah. Then the smile faded. It was probably best if he learned to stop thinking of Micah as “his.”
He’d still made a promise, though.
Zach crouched down. He hadn’t seen Precious since the night of his birthday, but sure enough, the scruffy dog’s big brown eyes glinted back at him from under the spiny bush.
“Ana’s not home, baby,” he whispered quietly, not wanting to scare her off. “Are you hungry? When was the last time you ate?”
She whimpered a little, her tail tucked tight under her legs, and scooted away from him, farther back under the gooseberry. Zach sighed, a feeling of hopelessness overwhelming him. He had nothing to offer her. Even Ana, who’d been feeding the dog somewhat regularly for months, hadn’t been able to get her to come close. What had made him think that he’d be able to do any better?
He’d promised Micah that he’d try, though.
“Please, Precious,” he said, reaching a hand out toward her slowly. “Let me take care of you. You don’t need to be alone.”
Precious dropped to her belly, whining softly and inching backward until she almost disappeared from view.
And then she did disappear, the darkness and heavy foliage swallowing her whole.
“Precious?” Zach reached into the bush, ignoring the stinging pain from its thorns as he pushed the branches aside. He couldn’t bear the idea of letting Micah down any more than he already had—any more than he knew he was going to—but the dog was gone.
“Shit,” Zach whispered, his throat tightening up.
Precious was clearly a survivor. She didn’t need him… but at the moment? He kind of felt like he needed her.
He pressed the heels of his hands against hi
s eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to get a grip. If he really needed to be needed that badly, he knew where he could turn.
His unborn child needed him.
Janis needed to hear that he was going to do right by her.
And—he took a shuddering breath, pulling his hands away from his face and straightening up—it was only fair that Micah hear it, too.
Zach headed toward the stairs, but it wasn’t until he was halfway up them that he realized the soft padding sound behind him wasn’t just the wind. He stopped and turned, and the dog scampered around the corner, hiding from him again. She’d been nothing more than skin and bones covered in scraps of fur.
“Precious?” Zach called softly, waiting. Hoping. “Come on, baby. It’s okay, I promise. I’ll take care of you.”
He heard a soft whine from underneath the stairs, but she stayed out of sight. Zach bit back a smile. She hadn’t left.
He turned back toward his apartment and took the rest of the stairs at a snail’s pace. He’d drag it out and wait all night if he had to, but after a few seconds, he heard the soft sound of paws behind him again. This time, he didn’t stop; he just kept up a low, soothing monologue, telling her what a good girl she was as she crept up the stairs after him. Telling her about all the good things he was going to feed her, and how safe she’d be, and how, somehow, he’d find a way to make everything all right for her.
When he finally made it to his door and fished his keys out of his pocket, still taking care to keep his movements smooth and slow, a dry nose nudged his hand from behind… a warm weight pressed briefly against the back of his knees… rough fur tickled his fingers. And once Zach got the door open, even though she cringed and whimpered and was skittish as hell, she followed him inside.
Maybe deciding that she needed him just a little bit, too.
22
Micah
Sam popped the trunk of his car open. Instead of pulling Pippin’s cushy bed pillow out, though, he just stood there for a minute, tracing the bright pattern on it with his hand as Pippin bounced around the car, tail wagging excitedly.
“Dude, are you sure about this?” he asked, stepping aside so Micah could grab the box with Pipp’s toys and grooming supplies.
Micah nodded. They were there, weren’t they? So he knew Sam didn’t really need him to answer.
He turned away so he could pretend not to see as Sam slipped Pippin the cheeseburger he’d been hiding behind his back, heading up the walk toward the Lees’ house. He walked slowly in the hope that he wouldn’t trip and spill the contents of the box everywhere… and okay, maybe also going slowly because being sure, which he was, didn’t change the fact that his heart was also breaking a little.
The Lees’ front door flew open just as he got to the bottom of the steps, and Alicia stepped out onto the porch, turning her face toward the sound of Pippin’s happy bark. She lit up like the sun when she heard it, and even Micah could tell that the expression on her face was total joy.
That helped.
A little.
“Hey, Ali,” Sam said, coming up behind Micah with Pipp’s pink pillow in one hand and her engraved food and water bowls in the other. “You’re gonna take good care of our girl, right?”
“I promise,” Alicia said, laughing happily as she dropped to her knees to let Pippin cover her face with sloppy doggy kisses. “I’m going to be such a good dog owner. I’ll take the best care of her ever.”
Alicia wrapped her arms around Pipp’s neck, probably the only thing keeping her upright as Pippin’s wildly waving tail did its best to knock them both off balance. There was no way Pippin could really understand what was happening, but she’d clearly picked up on Alicia’s happiness and made it her own.
“You can put that down on the kitchen counter, Micah,” Mrs. Lee said, following her daughter out onto the porch. When Micah tried to walk past her, though, she stopped him and wrapped him in a tight hug, box and all. “I still can’t believe it. I just don’t know how we’ll ever thank you for this gift.”
“You don’t have to, Mrs. Lee,” Micah said, nodding toward Pipp and Alicia. “Look at them. They’re so happy.”
She patted his cheek as she let him go. “They really are, and it’s going to make such a difference for Alicia when we get up to Washington. In fact, it already has. She’s actually excited about the move now, looking forward to exploring new places up there with Pippin.”
Micah nodded, his throat too tight to reply without giving away how close he was to crying. He definitely didn’t want Mrs. Lee to catch on to that and think he was having second thoughts. He wasn’t. He wanted to do this.
Well, maybe he didn’t really want to give Pippin up, but he did want to do what was best for her. Wasn’t that what love was?
He bit his lip too hard, tasting a little blood, and hurried into the house to put the box full of Pippin’s things where Mrs. Lee had asked him to. Halfway to the kitchen, though, he misjudged the width of a hallway and bumped into the corner of something or other, and then crashed into another thing when he stumbled, and the box went flying, spilling its contents everywhere.
“Dang it,” he said, landing hard on his knees, right on top of Pippin’s squeaky taco.
He needed to pick it all up.
He needed to make sure he hadn’t broken the Lees’ furniture.
He needed—
Sam’s hand landed on his shoulder. “Hey,” he said, kneeling down next to Micah. “You okay, bro?”
“Sure,” Micah said, wiping the tears off his cheeks and grabbing Pippin’s blue Kong from where it had rolled under the foyer table—probably the thing he’d crashed into, but thankfully, as far as he could tell, not broken. He tossed the Kong into the box.
Well, tried to, at least.
“Dude, you’re getting better,” Sam said, scooping it up when it bounced off his foot instead. He also grabbed Pippin’s scented dog shampoo and her grooming brush and the blinged-out rainbow collar that she wore on special occasions, popping all of it back into the box without even having to try to aim.
Micah sighed. “I missed. How is that ‘better’?”
“Yeah, but like, you were close,” Sam said, grinning at him. Somehow he’d managed to get every single thing picked up and the table pushed back against the wall in about three seconds flat, and he grabbed the box off the floor and hopped to his feet, holding out a hand to help Micah up, too.
The taco toy squeaked as Micah got to his feet, and he picked it up from where he’d been kneeling on it. He almost wished he could keep it, but Pippin loved it too much. He wouldn’t want her to wonder where it was.
“Close isn’t better,” he said, following Sam into the Lees’ kitchen. “Close is just another word for a miss.”
Sam put the box down, then turned and frowned at him. “What the hell? That’s totally glass-half-empty. Who are you, and where’s my best friend?”
Micah tried to come up with some kind of funny reply, but all he managed was a shrug.
Sam looked at him hard for a minute, then squeezed his shoulder. “I’m gonna miss Pipp too, Micah,” he said. “But you know, if it’s too hard, you don’t have to give her—”
“Yeah, I do, Sam,” Micah interrupted. “I mean, I want to. It’s the right thing to do… so I should be happier about it, right?”
“No.”
“No?”
“Dude, of course not. I mean, sure, be happy for Pipp and Ali. You’re beyond awesome for keeping those two together, and you’re right about it being good for both of them, I know that. Everyone knows that. But it’s okay to be sad for you, too. It would be weird if you weren’t. Pippin’s like… like… she’s family.”
Micah nodded, picking at a loose thread hanging off the hem of his t-shirt. It was whale-blue, like Zach’s eyes.
“And you can be sad for me, too, bro,” Sam said, bumping his shoulder and making him look up. “I mean, Pippin’s my girl. Who am I supposed to spoil after she’s gone?”
E
ven though Sam was kind of kidding, Micah could tell that he kind of wasn’t, too. Sam was good at loving things, even if they both knew that he’d tease Micah mercilessly if he ever tried to say so.
“At least you’ll save some money on fast food,” Micah said, smiling a little despite himself.
Sam snorted. “Yeah, but for real, who’s going to always be happy to see me when I show up with it?”
“Me?” Micah offered.
Sam grinned. “Quit lying. You don’t even notice when I bring food, plus, you don’t wag. And, you don’t eat.”
“I eat,” Micah argued, his traitorous stomach growling at the reminder. Because, okay, he did eat… but maybe not with the same dedication that Sam did.
Sam laughed. “What, forgot breakfast again this morning? Micah, I swear, you’re impossible. Let’s go get lunch when we leave, ’kay? Unless you’ve got plans with your man for the rest of your Saturday?”
Micah’s stomach clenched, and when he opened his mouth to try and answer Sam, nothing came out. Sam raised an eyebrow at him, and Micah was beyond grateful when Mrs. Lee, Alicia, and Pippin chose that moment to tumble into the kitchen, laughing and barking and talking all at once.
It was Saturday, and Micah hadn’t heard from Zach since Zach had left his apartment the Sunday before. He’d told Micah that he needed a little time to figure out what to do about Janis and the baby, and even if six days felt like a lot more time than just “a little” to Micah, he’d been too nervous about what he’d hear to reach out to Zach himself. And he hadn’t said anything about it to Sam yet, because…
Because he didn’t want it to be real.
Because he was already so sad about Pippin.
Because Sam was right, Micah had lost his glass-half-full-ism. He hadn’t been able to come up with a single possible way that the future might be better if he lost both his dog and his boyfriend in the same week.
He swallowed hard, determined not to cry again. Maybe, after an entire lifetime of having the best luck ever, he’d simply used it all up.
Looking For Love (Semper Fi, The Forever Faithful Series Book 2) Page 26
