Love in Troubled Times

by Gayle Riley

  Then, he showed up.

  For a moment, I felt like my heart stopped. Holy crap he got hot. I began to flush, realizing I shouldn’t be having these feelings for him, but here I was, ogling him like it was nothing. He then looked at me, a bit unsure of what to say.

  “Hello Sally,” he said.

  “Hey Noel,” I replied, trying to figure out where to look. His sandy blonde hair was now short, but he still had the most gorgeous blue eyes that seemed to sparkle in the light. His larger frame was now toned instead of flabby like how it was before. In truth, he got pretty fucking gorgeous, and it was hard not to stare.

  “Sorry for the delay. Flight was a bit late,” he said.

  “It’s fine. It happens. Are you okay?” I asked.

  “I guess,” he told her.

  It was obvious something was wrong. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it though.

  “Well I’m sure my mom and your dad will be happy to see you. I mean, I’m off for break for another couple of weeks, so I’m excited to spend some time with you,” I said.

  “Yeah,” he replied, his face staring off into the distance.

  I wanted to ask what was wrong. I’ve never seen him like this before. Typically, Noel was always at the center of the conversation, trying his hardest to pay attention and listen to everyone. Right now, it seemed that something bothered him, and it was obvious that he wasn’t going to tell me.

  “How long are you off duty?” I asked, starting the car and heading on back home.

  “Depends. I don’t really know when I’ll be going back, but I guess I’ll have to,” he said.

  Something did happen. I mean, he was always so lively, so happy, but he seemed like a completely different person.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.

  “Nope,” he replied, shutting me up.

  “Well, that’s understandable. I’ve just been in school,” I said.

  “Must be nice. Having the family pay for your stuff like that,” he said, a bit of annoyance obvious in his voice. I scoffed, looking at him for a moment and then ahead.

  “Actually, I’m on scholarship, so I’m not paying for jack shit. It’s nice,” I said.

  “Great,” he said. He seemed so distant that I didn’t know what to do about this. The tension in the air was so thick that you could cut a knife. I decided to just let it go. Hopefully he’d open up the second we got back.

  When we got home, he got out. He grabbed his bags, but I stepped forward.

  “I’ll grab them for you,” I said.

  “No it’s fine. I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” he said.

  “You don’t have to treat me like a child. I mean, I’m eighteen now,” I said.

  “Really? Wow, time has flown by fast,” he said.

  “Yeah, and you’re acting pretty distant. What’s the matter?” I asked.

  He looked at me and then sighed.

  “I honestly don’t want to talk about it yet. I mean, there are some things you shouldn’t really know just yet. I mean, maybe once I’m settled in I’ll tell you,” he replied.

  I wanted to respond, but then, he headed inside. It was obvious that he didn’t want to tell me, but I wanted to know the truth. I’ve never seen him act so aloof and it seemed like he’s become a different person. Did the military change him? Or did something else happen? I decided to wait until he came to me, and I hoped that he would tell me eventually.

  Chapter 2

  The second Noel came home, everything changed. My parents were both there and they immediately embraced him, holding him. He hugged them back, but he seemed to still be off kilter. I shrugged, wondering what it was that he was hiding, but I guess it could wait. We went out for dinner, and even the servers congratulated him and thanked him for his service. He said it was nothing. However, I didn’t think it was just a little thing. I mean, the military was a pretty huge ordeal, and the fact that he was just brushing this off was weird as all hell. I wanted to ask him further about it, but when we got back, he went to his room.

  I spent the next day or so working on some of the homework I was given. Thankfully, I was close enough to the college I could come home every single day, so I’d get to hang with Noel whenever. However, he still seemed to ignore me, holing himself up in his room. I wanted to find out what was eating him, what caused this madness in him. I couldn’t just sit there and watch him suffer.

  I went to the room, knocking at the door. At first, there was no sound, and then, I saw him open up. He looked haggard, like he hadn’t slept in the few days he’d been home. I smiled weakly, looking at him with a grin.

  “Hey Noel, you doing okay?” I asked.

  He paused, looking at me with a glance.

  “What are you doing here? Why do you ask?” he asked.

  “I’m just wondering. You don’t look so great,” I said.

  “If you’ve been through what I have, you wouldn’t look the same way either,” he said.

  “Can we talk about it? It’s obvious whatever is eating at you is going to keep bothering you until you tell someone,” I said.

  He hesitated, looking at me for but a moment, but then, he shook his head.

  “You wouldn’t understand,” he said.

  “I want to understand Noel. Just tell me. We can talk about this. I’m your sister. Remember, we used to talk about everything. I don’t want you to think that I’m going to hate you after what you tell me,” I said. I began to flush as I looked at him. I’ve never felt so nervous around him before, but this changes people, and now that we’re both adults, with different experiences, it was obvious things would change.

  He hesitated, looking at me with a glance before shaking his head.

  “I don’t want to tell you yet,” he said.

  “Why not?” I asked.

  “Because I don’t want to scare you away. It’s just… I’m scared,” he said.

  “I get it. You can tell me when you’re ready,” I said to him, giving him a touching hand on his shoulder. He stiffened, and soon, I pulled away.

  “Sorry,” I said with a blush.

  “It’s fine. You wouldn’t know,” he said.

  “Well, I want to be there for you. I mean, we’ve always told each other everything. I know that the military kind of separated us from each other, but I’ll say right now, there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought of you,” I said. I know that sounded really sentimental, but it was the truth. I always thought about Noel, and I always wanted make sure he was okay, but he never seemed to call, so I never got a chance to.

  He shuddered, looking at me and then sighing.

  “It’s fine. You didn’t know. I’ll tell you when I’m ready. Just please… stop asking,” he said.

  “Okay.”

  The door was closed, leaving me to try to figure out what the hell just happened. On the one hand, I was excited to finally get him to open up, but at the same time, I could tell this was going to be harder than I thought. I guess I’ll talk to him when he’s ready.

  The next few days were weird. He would come out of his room, say a few words and then head on back. He wasn’t too comfortable with saying much else other than that, and it seemed like he was hiding his true feelings. I wanted to know more, and I wanted to find out what it was that he was holding back. Finally, one day, while I was working on the last of my homework, I heard a knock at the door.

  “Come in,” I said.

  The door opened and there he was. Noel looked at me with an awkward shuffle, glancing around.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hey yourself. What’s up? This is the first time in a very long time you’ve come knocking,” I said.

  “Yeah,” he replied.

  There was another awkward silence, and as I turned around, pushing my red hair out of my face, I looked at him.

  “So what’s up? I’m just working on some homework. Trying to get ahead you know?” I said.

  “That’s awesome. I wish I had the dedic
ation that you did when I was in school,” he said, almost longing in a sense.

  “I feel that. So spill, what the hell is going on?” I asked.

  He took a deep breath, looking at me and then looking around.

  “You mind coming to my room? It’s a bit important,” he said.

  “Okay,” I replied.

  I followed him to his room, wondering why he couldn’t just tell me here. However, when the door closed, he looked at me, and then, he took off his shirt.

  “What are you—“

  That’s when I saw it. The giant scar that was all across his chest. It looked like a knife had slashed him, and all over his body, I saw nothing but scars. He looked at me, desperation present in his eyes.

  “You wondered why I never told you about this? Why I wasn’t comfortable? Well, here I am now,” he said.

  I wanted to look away, to pretend I never saw it, but I just kept on looking, kept on seeing the scars and marks there. While a part of me wanted to scream and run away, I also wanted to stick around, to learn the truth about what happened to my brother.

  Chapter 3

  I had no words.

  The only thing that I could do was stare at his body, looking at the way his arms and legs had little cuts all over, but that scar on his chest seemed to be the biggest one. I also saw the scar on his shoulders, the one that I touched.

  “What the hell happened to you?” I said.

  “I saw combat. I actually was in a pretty dangerous situation. I was cut by an enemy, and I nearly bled to death,” he said.

  I looked at him with shocked eyes, unsure of what to do about this. On the one hand, I wanted to comfort him, to be there for him, but at the same time, the fear that laid within me was definitely there.

  “Wow,” I said.

  “Our parents don’t know about this. I never told anyone about this except for the nurses, and now you,” he said.

  I felt both honored and terrified of what to do about this whole thing. I mean, it was pretty shocking, and I knew that it wasn’t ever going to go away.

  “Jesus Christ,” I simply said. I really didn’t have any words, so I was trying to fill in the gap.

  “Yeah. Let’s just say that when I first saw combat, that’s when I got a taste of hell. You would think as a Navy SEAL I wouldn’t have that sort of encounter, that because I was in the navy I wouldn’t have to see direct combat, but that wasn’t the case. Shrapnel happens and sometimes objects fall onto your body that you didn’t expect to find. While it might be deemed safer than other sorts of branches of the military, it’s still just as dangerous as the rest of them. It’s part of the reason why I’m jealous of you Sally. You get to go to school, to be in a safe environment, to only have to worry about studies, and yet, I have to see combat, and it’s honestly terrifying to think about,” he said.

  “Yeah,” I said, still shocked and an agape face there. I felt bad for bitching about my schoolwork. I mean, I’ve never had a boyfriend, but mostly because of school. However, when I looked at him, the first thing I wanted to do was to comfort him, to help him when he got hurt and to make sure that he was safe and sound.

  “It’s all right. You didn’t know. But thank you for caring about me. It’s the first time in a very long time I’ve actually felt taken care of,” he said.

  I didn’t know what to say. I felt bad for being the only one to take care of him, and I know that I’ve always been that way, but it’s definitely not something I wanted to take pride in.

  “You’re welcome,” I said.

  “You’re a great girl, you know. I mean, even though we’re stepsiblings, I’ve always felt a connection with you that seemed to be almost beyond familial,” he told me.

  He pushed his hand into my own, holding it there and keeping his hand in mine for a minute. He squeezed it, and as I looked in his eyes, he began to grin.

  “I’m here for you. I mean, I always have been. I wanted to talk to you. While you were in the service. But every time I did, it became phone tag. I’m sorry for not trying harder,” I said.

  “You’re totally fine. So, do you have a boyfriend yet,” he asked. He changed the subject, probably because of the discomfort that he saw on my face when I looked at his body.

  I shook my head, reddening when he asked that.

  “Unfortunately not. I haven’t really had a chance to find a guy. I mean, there are a few at school who seem cool, but I’ve been so busy with schoolwork that there hasn’t been time,” I told him.

  “Well, you should hop on that. You’ve grown up to be quite the lady,” he said.

  I blushed. I mean, Noel has always been a bit of a charmer and he was always flirtatious. Hell, I remember when he used to bring home chicks in high school, promising me that I didn’t tell our parents about it. He was definitely an attractive man, but I was a bit of a quiet nerd, so I never really got a chance to tell any of the guys I like that I liked them.

  Not only that, I was scared of a relationship.

  But when I looked at him, I felt my heart skip a beat, almost falling right out of my chest. He looked at me, touching a tendril of my hair and smiling.

  “You know, I’m glad you talked to me. I’m really happy that you gave enough of a damn about me to come on by and make sure I was okay,” he said.

  “You’re welcome. It’s the least I could do,” I said. However, there was that little feeling of butterflies in my stomach that kept sitting there as I looked at him.

  “I would love to hang out more. I’m sorry for being so aloof. I’ve just been hiding that secret, and I mean, I’m still trying to get used to touches and crap, mostly from others. I won’t shirk away from you though, probably because you’ve seen them,” he said.

  I hesitantly pushed my hand out, touching his body. The scars felt unreal, like this was all just a fake body with fake wounds.

  “Wow. I’ve never seen anything like this,” I said.

  “Yeah. It’s not totally pretty. But enough of that, let’s chill. I mean, it’s been forever since we’ve seen each other, so I don’t see the point in really holding back,” he told me with a smile.

  I began to flush, but I agreed. The two of us played some video games together, playful banter abound from both of our mouths. Soon, Noel was taking me out for ice cream pizza, and even around town. He made an effort now to talk to me, whereas before he was aloof and trying his hardest not to speak to me. However, as we spent time together, I began to feel something in my body, a sort of nervousness I’ve never really seen before. I began to wonder if these feelings were just my own imagination or something more.

  I wanted to talk to him about this, but I was scared. The two of us exchanged little glances at times, and I’ve caught him staring at me a few times. I wanted to ask him why he did that, but I didn’t know if he’d be offended or not. I never really thought about a boyfriend, and in truth, I feel like it’s wrong to do something like that. but I know he has something he wants to say, it’s just a matter of saying it.

  One day, while we were out at a restaurant in town, Noel looked at me, and then, he grasped my hand.

  “Thank you,” he said to me.

  “For what?” I asked him, slightly apprehensive over what he was getting at. I mean, the fact he was touching me already sent shivers down my spine.

  “For everything. You know, if it weren’t for you, I’d probably never confide to anyone, and I’d still be afraid of my time in the military. It’s a scary situation. But with you, I’ve been able to safely say that I can face it, no matter what the odds,” he told me with a grin.

  I blushed, listening to him as he said this to me. In a sense, I wanted to tell him I felt the same way, but there was almost a barrier of sorts, as if I was afraid to admit this to him.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked me.

  “It’s nothing. Nothing at all,” I said.

  I hid my feelings from the man for a little while. I didn’t know what he’d think if I told him my heart races faster whe
n I’m around him, that all the time I keep thinking about him, and I don’t know what to do. However, I tried my hardest to keep this at bay, to keep it from overwhelming me, but that already proved to be too much already.

  I spent the next couple of days away from him, trying my hardest to hold back. However, there was still that little set of feelings in my heart that ached to tell him everything, that clamored to let him know how I felt, and while I was a bit scared of what he might say, at the same time, I knew that holding everything back will only hurt me.

  I had to tell him at some point, I just had to.

  Chapter 4

  I kept my distance for about a week or so, and soon, school began once more. I was home every single night, but I spent less time around him. Noel tried to speak to me, but I kept ignoring him. However, I felt terrible every time I did.

  About three days after I started, our parents went out of town. I was happy to have some peace and quiet, but I also knew he’d be here. However, I doubted Noel would bother me. but of course, I was wrong when I heard a knock at the door. I looked up, trying to determine what to do here.

  “Yes?”’ I asked.

  “It’s me. can we talk?” he asked.

  I felt apprehension in my body, unsure of what to do about this. But then, I sighed.

  “Sure,” I said.

  He opened the door, his just-washed hair plastered to his head and his chiseled abs obvious even under the shirt he adorned. His pants were tight, and I tried my hardest to avoid staring at him. But then, he sat down next to me, looking at me with concern.

  “Is something the matter?” he asked.

  “No, why do you ask?” I said sharply.

  “Don’t try to hide it Sally. I know you’ve been holding whatever it is that you’ve been hiding from me for a while. Just tell me what is going on,” he said.

  I thought about it, pausing to determine whether or not I should do so. But then, I sighed.

  “I don’t want you getting mad,” I said.

  “How could I get mad at you Sally? I know you’re not doing anything harmful. Just tell me,” he said.