Bigger than Hitler - Better than Christ

by Rik Mayall

  *This means you’ve got to check.

  *Note to Editor: as I mentioned in my postcard to you last week, I’m not sure about putting this section in the book because Heimi might not be very happy. It’s not good to antagonise him. I’ll put it in the first draft but we both need to think seriously about what might happen to us if we upset him. Look at Michael Barrymore.

  *Papperatsi means Italian photographers.

  *Appears courtesy of Andy de la Tour. Ooer is what you say after you’ve said something that might be misconstrude as rude and was famously used in the tectonic plate shifting landmark comedy pastiche “Ooer Sounds a Bit Rude” which was featured in my breakthruough situation comedy Filthy, Rich and Catflap. For further information about this please ask someone else. I’m too intense at the moment.

  *Sometimes just referred to as Hardcores. This has nothing to do with hardcore pornography.

  *I’ve never known what this means – it’s another of those Rik Mayall things.

  *Which means that it was all going very well.

  †This is not two people having sex, one called Rik and one called Mayall. It’s me, sweary and hard.

  ‡Which means it would be very well received by the audience.

  *Be careful though, in Eastbourne the smell of urine can take the enamel off your teeth. Never smile at the stalls on the south coast. (Rik’s tip.) Noel Coward told me that.

  *Squares are people who are not hip. Hip means cool. If you stick it to the squares, it means that you stick two fingers up to them. I don’t know why it isn’t sticking them to the squares – it’s just one of those things. I don’t make the rules. I just break them.

  †I’m a mentioning no names kind of a guy.

  *This is cockney gangster talk for teeth and blood. It works because claret is red wine and blood is red. Although that might just be a coincidence.

  †Which means that he wanted to make the show. It does not mean anything untoward [check meaning].

  *No offence great critic mates – I have always held you in the greatest esteem and love all your work both individually and collectively and anythingly really. Don’t worry about it, the cheque’s in the post. I’ve got cash too.

  *The cast of a play is the collective expression for all the people who are in the play but not including all the people who don’t go onto the stage and walk around and pretend to do stuff and say things. So, what I’m saying is that the people who do do all those things (go onto the stage and walk around and pretend etc) are the cast. Got it? Christ, it’s not difficult.

  *If you’re reading this Thatch, big fan, no hard feelings. It was a great ride together in the cavalry of destiny.

  †Please note, viewer, there is no part two. Now that is what I call anarchy.

  *This means walk through the door unexpectedly not fall suddenly through the roof.

  *Back in the stable, Geoffrey, I don’t mean that saucy tea-time table book with loads of nudey pictures of Maradonna in it.

  †Bless you.

  *You never read this, viewer.

  *Or maybe it isn’t. Who’s to know? I’ve got enigmatic motherfucker written all over my face. But you know that. No you don’t. Oh bollocks, this is shit. Don’t print this bit.

  *Rik Tip for the middle-aged bloke. Always try to hide your tummy from the lady. Apparently there’s a sex position called “taking from behind” and if you do it, she’ll never see your tummy. Unfortunately though, rumour has it that this position is known as “doggy” in some circles. So it’s a tricky one to suggest. Especially if she’s got a dog. Saying things like, “Do you fancy doing doggy tonight?” can get you quite savagely beaten up.

  †Copyright Trudy Kamester, Northants.

  ‡This is show business for joke.

  *I’ve got my own Razzle archive in plastic easy wipe covers and I’ve arranged them in leather ring binder things like they have on the Marshall Cavendish adverts. I’ve annotated them all myself, repeatedly. You’re very welcome to come and take a peek Dickie. Probably best not bring the wife.

  *The thing about Chick Nailer is that it sounds like I’m a bit of a chick nailer which is cool – and I am anyway. Ask anyone, Dickie, they’ll tell you.

  *Maybe something more snappy here. (It’s just a work in progress, Dickie.)

  *That’s Oxford / Cambridge publishing talk for turn over the page. (Cunts.)

  *Maybe check availability (mention me).

  †A cunning subliminal message. We’re talking Dickie here Dickie.

  *Probably glistening.

  *I am contractually bound to make that joke because chestnuts are what people sometimes call their bollocks. Some of you might not be comedians. But that’s okay. I dig that. I’m down with you.

  *I don’t do that often. Jerking in the living room is not one of my things.

  †I’m not usually like this. Everyone knows me as the hard man of light entertainment – which I am. See page 72.

  *This is what top quality Hells Angels call their motorcycles. Tip: it’s currently fashionable to say motorbike instead of motorcycle.

  *“People” is Hollywood slang for people.

  †My instinct knew there was Jimmy Carrey ten paces behind me, snapping at my heels (career-wise – I don’t mean he was lying on the floor trying to bite my shoes). And I respect him. If you’re reading this, Jimmy, love your work. Unless you don’t like being called Jimmy in which case, Jim (we’re great mates).

  *Could have been a good shot though.

  *“Turn over” is Hollywood speak for “press the button on the camera”.

  *This is an American word they use for when they make films and you all sit around in chairs near a camera. You can also do it with a gun but not in this context. A waste disposal chute is something different. And is spelt differently as you can see. As in parachute. Although it sounds the same.

  *I did it for the film critics more than anyone. Those poor guys. They get so much abuse and disrespect from entertainment workers. They’ve got a job to do and they do it very well. I’ve always admired all the critics in the British film industry. They should be paid so much more. They should be respected and decorated. Let me say here in print – and I promised myself that I would never say this – but I am the only acter on the planet who adores every critic that ever lived. I don’t see them as equals – they are far above me. I’m just a cog in the wheel of entertainment. But they are the machine itself and the driver as well and the Godhead. I only got into the entertainment industry to help the critics earn money. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I do it. Yes there are other reasons, but these are the primary ones. The critics bring meaning to what we all do. I love their work. And I love them. Book critics are even better.

  *Is this how it was for Mary when her waters did break?

  *Meaning earth. It has nothing to do with sodomy. I have nothing else to say on this subject.

  *I let him take the credit too – five times a night! Someone had got to do it. Imagine being the first British Prime Minister ever to have no penis. I know I can count on you to keep a secret, viewer, and not spread it.

  *Not even if some twat in a wig in a courtroom somewhere tells you that you are innocent. Even then, you’re not. All right?

  *A nob gag is a joke about a man’s nob. You’re with the whirlwind here, don’t forget.

  †Hanging out is street slang for standing around exchanging pleasantries.

  *It’s very important for this last sentence to have its full effect that Little Richard says it to you quite loudly with his eyeballs stretched wide two inches from yours.

  *It wasn’t really, it was just a normal everyday London pub. I don’t know why he said that.

  *Backstory is a script writing term which means background information which you will need to know about a story otherwise you won’t know what’s going on.

  †Tear up is a light entertainment colloquialism for do something really well. Which I do.

  ‡That’s yes no yes no yes no yes no
yes no no and don’t be ridiculous.

  *His death was not my fault. I wasn’t there. So don’t even suggest that it was me who held his head under the – never mind. I’ve got a cast iron alibi. I was with Debbie Kirkpatrick and she’s dead anyway – and I had nothing to do with that either so I am beyond recrimination. And I can spell that as well. Subject closed. So don’t go back to that chapter. My lawyers are watching. And my people. And these are extreme people, not any old people. They are full on, take no prisoners people – don’t fuck people I like to call them – so don’t mess. This does not mean foul yourelf. Unless you have in which case it does and I respect you for it. Go and get yourself cleaned up. Foul person.

  *Slightly smaller pause there.

  *This is showbusiness for it was a difficult thing to have to do.

  *Note to self: Maybe save great house-storming woofers like this that don’t quite work and have a book of outtakes. Maybe stake out role as Dennis Nordern of gags that didn’t quite work properly. No, fuck off Rik, that’s a shit idea. All right you fat has-been, keep your trousers on. Euurgh – you’re talking to yourself now aren’t you, loony? No I’m not. You are. No I’m not, I’m not here. Yes you are. You’re the loony. Oh, go and have another ride on your quad bike, arse head.

  *It’s probably David.

  *Note to printer: please ensure that you print the word “the” otherwise it’ll look like I’m going down on a bloke called Bill and as you may or may not be aware, “going down” on someone means that you put their toilet equipment in your mouth. That I do not do. Although I don’t have a problem with people who do do. I’ve always been a radical socialist feminist icon.

  †I’m almost certain that’s what it’s called. It’s the one with all the policemen in it.

  *When you “wrap” something in the world of showbusiness, it means that you finish it and go home. It has nothing to do with gift wrapping or shouting gibberish quickly in an American axent with appalling music playing in the background far too loudly.

  *Except possibly Salvador Dali’s brain in a visual sense.

  †When I was in my five day coma, Pete “Pete Richardson” Richardson called up my wife, Barbara. He was worried. We had only just finished filming the Comic Strip movie Four Men In A Car just before the accident and the thing is that my character in the film (the biggest part of course and by far the best) had a terrifying and very convincing near-death motorbike crash right in the middle of the movie. So Pete was wondering if it might be a little insensitive for the film to go out on telly that night. Would Rik mind? Pete wanted to know. “Would he mind being on the fucking telly?” says Bra. Are you joking? Stick it on you twat, he couldn’t die a happier man.”

  *Sudden bit of a sledgehammer in the testicles for you my modesty, isn’t it? But don’t sweat, viewer, it’s the same for all ordinary people. You’re in safe hands here. Rik Mayall loves his ordinaries.

  *This is American cop show slang for a revolver and not the piece that all the hippies were always banging on about. Never trust a hippie, viewer. Remember where you heard it first.

  *Please note, I am not having a go him. I’m down with Jesus. We’re in bed together on many things. I love a slurp of wine and a bit of biscuit.

  *This means that it was on the television when lots of people watch lots of things which is after all the stuff that they don’t watch and before all the shit they put on later when everyone’s gone to bed.

  *I can actually prove that any time I feel like it but I’m not going to do it right now cos it would be too difficult and would take ages to do and anyway I’ve also been featured in a lot of non English-speaking publications so they’ll make up any shortfall easily. Look, I’ve been in a lot of mags all right? And I don’t mean porn mags. I have never masturbated in my life. That’s a blanket denial, okay? Now, fuck off. Go on. Fuck off. You. Fuck off now! Go back to the stuff up above because you’re really beginning to get on my tits down here.

  *Delete this chapter. It’s really not going anywhere.

  *This is a large black rectangular handbag with a zip around the outside in which you can carry your drawings.

  †Which is important for selling your great comedy videos.

  ‡Ish.

  *This is quite hard street slang for the police.

  †Who are my friends and whose work I love.

  *May be subject to back bottom surcharge

  *That’s not a horse gag. And if you’re thinking I’m saying that it’s not a horse gag because I don’t know any then that’s bollocks because I know loads. I’m not going to do one on you now though. Just go away. For all I know, you’re one of those Edinburgh Fringe amateur comedian cunts who steal everything with a word in it.

  *This means Member of Parliament. It’s not M.O.P. because the “of” is silent. Although everyone still says it. Especially at the BBC which should be closed or “tidied up” as they say in political crime thrillers like in…no I won’t say it because I don’t know any. Because I’m hard. And…oh nevermind, I don’t see why I should justify myself to anyone.

  †This means the critics (who I love) all wrote nasty spiteful things about them. It has nothing to do with being smashed in the face with a frying pan. Although it might do in a metaphorical sense. Forget all this, just read on.

  ‡Who I love. Did I say that already?

  *Tribute not theft.

  *See earlier footnote. As you can see, I am footnote perfect. My editer at the hugely famous chain of publishers Harper Stoughtons often remarks on what an internationally renowned groundbreaking footnoter I am.

  †Which means we were wild-eyed anarchists with the smell of gunpowder under our armpits and charred human flesh beneath our fingernails.

  ‡See a different footnote. This one’s crap.

  *It was me.

  *Tell you what, Kirsty, give me a good review for my book on your shit Late Review programme and I’ll let you fuck me. How about that? But keep schtum babe, kay?

  *This means twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. It works. Also, it makes you sound a bit American so you might get work in English TV, sorry, telly. No, fuck, sorry TV. Oh bollocks! Look, just shit off back up there.

  †Loaded Turkish bloke.

  ‡Good beard. Did I say that already?

  *Although he was good and I respect him. Print that. His relatives might get whiffy.

  †Legendary tour manager. Best there ever was. I swear to God you’re going to be paid, Herps.

  *She really said this, I’m not making any of it up.

  *Famous horse race. The fastest horse wins. It’s fun.

  †Which I’m not even going to mention.

  ‡Maybe check metaphor. In fact, maybe check back through entire chapter. Don’t want to have written anything by mistake that might make me look like a twat.

  *Meaning won the punch up.

  *This being number one. Probably putting The Bible into third place.

  *NOTE TO PRINTER: Please ignore the shit stain on this piece of paper. That was the problem, you see. I caught dysentry and didn’t have enough bog paper, hence me having to use the rest of my great book to try and staunch the flow. So do not reproduce. That means do not print. I don’t wish to infer that you and Mrs Printer can’t have children. I’m sure you can and will and maybe have done already. I think we’ll just leave it there.