Charlotte's Tangled Web: L.B. Pavlov

by L B Pavlov

  For the first time, someone actually seemed to understand.

  “I’m not trying to avoid eating, my stomach just feels sick all the time. I try to force myself to eat more, but with the mileage I’m doing, I’m obviously just not getting enough calories in,” I said, and he could tell I was aware of the problem and trying to fix it.

  “Well, listen, a broken heart is sometimes worse than being sick. And Daniel seems like a nice guy, so I can imagine this is pretty painful for you to be going through, and so far from home.” He got up from the chair and walked back around his desk. “Here is what I am suggesting.” He leaned down and pulled out two cases of something and set them on his desk. “I picked these up for you today. They are weight-gain vitamin drinks. I did a little research, and these have over three hundred and fifty calories and tons of nutrients. I want you to eat as much as you can and add two to three of these a day to your diet—at least until your heart mends a little bit, and we get a few pounds back on you,” he said, and he gave me a sweet smile. “These are not to be substituted for food, Charlie, but in addition to your meals, OK?” he finished cautiously.

  “Oh, OK. I’m really sorry that you had to go to such trouble for me. I’m so embarrassed. I’m not usually such a mess, but lately my world has been a little, um, turned around I guess,” I said quietly, definitely feeling a little pathetic.

  “Charlie, we are one big family here at Stanford. You don’t need to be embarrassed because we all go through things. I want to make sure that you’re OK. And I’m here if you need to talk. But I am serious when I tell you that you won’t run in practice or in races if I don’t think you’re healthy, and you need to start drinking those drinks as of today. OK?” he gently pushed.

  I thanked him, and he gave me a big hug, and he walked me out to load the cases of drinks into my car. I drank one on the way home, and I took to heart what he said. When I pulled into the dorms, I sat in my car and thought about what Coach Little had said. He must be a really good dad. Coach Little was more concerned with me being OK and less concerned with my running. My dad was the exact opposite. The thought made me sad. But I decided that I was not going to sit out of practice and races because I was not eating enough. I was going to drink these as often as I needed to.

  Another week went by, and I had been drinking at least three of the drinks that Coach Little had given me every day. I was feeling physically stronger, and my energy was much better. I was running great and pushing myself very hard. Coach Little had put three more cases in my car during practice. I told him that I could go get them myself, but he said that it was not a problem at all.

  When we were standing alone, he asked if my heart had started to mend a little yet. I told him that it hadn’t and that I didn’t think that it ever would but I appreciated him asking. He told me that I looked a lot better and to keep drinking the drinks, and I could cut them down once I was eating enough.

  Nick came jogging over. “Well there’s the cutest freshman on campus!” he said flirtatiously, and I felt my face flush because Coach Little was standing next to me. This guy was starting to work my nerves. He was relentless; it had become a daily game to him.

  “Are you ever going to have dinner with me?” he asked, grinning.

  Coach Little could see how embarrassed and uncomfortable I was. “Come on, Stevens, give her a break,” he said, and Nick started to laugh.

  “You know me, coach, I don’t give up easily! She just needs to say yes to dinner once,” he said, flashing his charming smile, which would probably win over anyone else—just not the person who was head-over-heels in love with someone else who had just broken her heart. “How about tonight?” he said, still pushing.

  Now I was annoyed. I had tried to be nice, but now he was embarrassing me. “No thank you! Not to dinner tonight or any other night. I’m sorry,” I said firmly.

  He burst out laughing. I was stunned that he thought this was funny. He was a glutton for punishment. “Well, then I’ll keep asking until you finally crack one day!” he said, and he winked at me.

  It reminded me of the way that Daniel would wink at me, and I felt the familiar ache travel through my entire body. I missed him so bad. I missed the sound of his voice and the way that he looked at me and how I felt when I was with him.

  I had thrown myself into running because that was the only time that I felt happy. I would hear my mom’s voice when I ran, and it comforted me. When I was in pain in workouts, I pushed right through it. Nothing compared to the pain of my broken heart. Everything seemed easy in comparison.

  chapter 17

  longing

  I had been at Notre Dame for a few weeks. The decision to come early was a good one. I couldn’t stand to be at my house with Charlotte no longer living across the street. I had sunk into a pretty deep depression, and my parents encouraged me to go to school early and train with my team over the summer. I basically submerged myself completely into football. I would spend six to seven hours a day on the field, in the gym, or in the weight room.

  There wasn’t a day that went by in which I wasn’t haunted by what had happened. I kept picturing the way that she looked when she was leaving for the airport. I stood in the window, watching her and my mom hug good-bye, and when she looked over at my house, we had locked eyes. She looked different. She looked frail and sad. We were both broken. I would never be whole again until I was with her.

  I thought about her every day, throughout the day. I wondered if she was scared and lonely. I pictured her out in California all alone. I wondered if she was making friends. I wondered if she had closed herself off from everyone and if she was as sad as I was. I couldn’t stand to think about it. I kept my mind busy with football, reminding myself that I would work hard so that we could be together next year.

  I pushed away the fear that she may never forgive me for what had happened and the biggest fear of all: that she may not want me anymore. I was going to work hard and prove myself to her and show her that I could be the man that she deserved. The original plan was to wait a year, but it had already become impossible to stand. I had then resolved to wait until Christmas, but I could no longer stomach the idea of waiting that long either. I convinced myself that I would wait until her birthday, October 12. I could make it until then.

  I would fly to California and explain everything to her. She would already be submerged in her season and there wouldn’t be any risk of her walking away from her team and, most importantly, her dreams. I could show her that it was not hard for me to be faithful and trustworthy because I had not wavered in any way to my commitment to her.

  I wouldn’t move into my dorm with James until the start of the school year, when he returned from Europe. I was rooming with a friend of Devon’s for the summer, which worked out well because I was not supposed to be here until August. I worked out every day, all day, and I basically was home to shower, eat, and sleep. My roommate, Klein, was on the football team with me. He was a great guy.

  I was getting to know a lot of the guys on the team, so being there over the summer was actually helpful as far as football went. We would have the plays down long before the season started. Klein would go out most nights with a bunch of the guys on the team, and they would always invite me. I had gone along once or twice for pizza and pool. I was pretty tired from how hard I was working out, and I looked forward to going to sleep and not thinking about the heavy weight that sat on my heart.

  Klein and I had just finished our weight workout, and we were both completely exhausted. We were power-eating Taco Bell take-out, and he was asking me about my high school football team. Klein was a cool guy. He was a year older than me. He was from Indiana too, and he was a great running back.

  “Hey, do you remember that chick Katie who was hanging out when we were playing pool the other night?” he asked, laughing.

  “Um, not really. There were a lot of people there, though, most of whom I don’t know,” I said, laughing back.

  “She’s a cool girl
. I went to high school with her, and she came here to school last year when I did.” He continued, “She was asking me if you had a girlfriend,” he said. “I told her I didn’t know. I was actually a little annoyed with her because I have been hitting on her since my senior year in high school,” he said, and we both burst out laughing.

  “Oh, that sucks, dude. Well, let her know that I do have a girlfriend, and I’m completely whipped,” I said, smiling. “Maybe you should just ask her out,” I suggested.

  “Yeah, I’m getting the feeling that she isn’t interested, especially when she asked about my roommate. Does your girlfriend go to school here?” he asked.

  “No, she goes to Stanford. She’s an amazing runner,” I said proudly.

  “Oh man, that’s cool. Have you guys been together long?” he asked as he continued to eat his tacos.

  “Yeah, I’ve pretty much been in love with her since I was five years old. She’s the best,” I said, taking my last bite.

  “Five years old?” he said, laughing some more. “Dude, you started young. That’s cool that you guys have known each other for such a long time. I hope she makes it to one of the games so I can meet her,” he said, smiling.

  It felt good to say that Charlotte was still my girlfriend. That’s how I felt, and I was proud to tell everyone. I somehow doubted that she would be saying she had a boyfriend though. Charlotte thought that I had betrayed her, and I couldn’t wait to get this all straightened out.

  I couldn’t believe that the summer had gone by so quickly. I basically spent my summer running, eating, and crying myself to sleep at night. The nights had not gotten any easier. That was the only part of my day that I had time to think about things. I still missed Daniel so much, and my heart did not ache any less than the day that it was broken. The good news was that during the day I was training so hard that I didn’t have time to think about it. I was eating better and only drinking one of the weight-gain drinks a day now. I felt physically strong. Emotionally, I was shaky at best.

  My running was better than ever, and I couldn’t wait for the season to start. I loved all the girls on my team. They were so sweet and always invited me along when they went out, which I rarely agreed to, but I had gone once or twice. Unfortunately, every time I went with them, Nick Stevens was there as well. He had not lightened up on his pursuit at all. I was resigned to the fact that he actually liked me because I didn’t like him, and he wasn’t used to that. He had asked me out every single day at practice since the day that I met him. It had just become a routine for us now. He would ask, I would decline, and everyone would laugh.

  I was here to run, not to meet a charming boy. I had already had one of those, and that didn’t work out so great for me. Coach Little was really pleased with my running, and he was happy that I had put some weight back on. He asked me again the previous week if my heart had mended a little bit yet, and I informed him that it had not and that I didn’t think that it ever would. Coach Little was like a dad and a coach wrapped into one. He really cared about us, and he took the time to make sure that we were OK. He was far more caring than my own father had been.

  My dad continued to e-mail me every couple of days and let me know what races he would be attending. I told him that I would be with my team, and we traveled as a team together, so I wouldn’t be able to really see him there. I think he was fine with not seeing me. He just wanted to see if I was running well.

  Eric and Jack had come to see me over the weekend, and I had such a great time with them. They loved California, and I was able to take them all around and show them some of my favorite places. James was just getting back from Europe, and he needed to get settled at school. Eric asked me if I had talked to Daniel, and I let him know that I didn’t speak to Daniel, and I didn’t want to speak about him either.

  He and Jack had given each other a look, but I refused to inquire. It wasn’t something I could talk about. I was finally making it through the day without crying. I reserved all my tears for my lonely, torturous nights when I slept hugging a framed photo of someone who didn’t love me and listening to his voice. I slept with a charm bracelet and a promise ring—or rather, a broken-promise ring—under my pillow. This was actually progress, I thought, laughing to myself.

  Kathleen and Steph had also come out in July, and we had such a fun girls’ weekend. They met all of my teammates, and Nick was relentlessly asking them why I refused to go out with him. Steph thought I should give him a chance, and Kathleen snapped at her about it being too soon. They both asked what had happened between Daniel and me because they said they had never seen two people more in love. This caused me to burst into inconsolable, hysterical tears, and they both apologized for bringing it up. I couldn’t talk about it with anyone. The only person whom I could ever have shared this with was the person who had broken my heart. I wasn’t comfortable talking to anyone else. I never had been.

  Lenora and I e-mailed every single day. I looked forward to her funny e-mails about how boring it was at the house without me. She had moved in with Carl and was just at our house during the day now. She prepared all of my father’s meals and took care of the house. She was still looking forward to Thanksgiving because she and I would be cooking together and spending time together. I told her that I was looking forward to it as well.

  Grace had sent me two large care packages. I cried both times when I opened them. She had sent me my favorite snacks, lots of magazines, pretty nail polishes and lipgloss, and my favorite lavender lotion. She enclosed a sweet card in both packages saying how much they all missed me. I wondered why she would write that. Did she mean she and Tom missed me or maybe Preston and Devon too? Certainly not all of the Hollingsworths missed me. I couldn’t call her. I just couldn’t hear her voice and not cry. I wondered if I ever would be able to hear her voice without crying. I sent her cards and e-mails and let her know how the summer was going. I missed her so much. She asked if she could see me when I came home for Thanksgiving, and I told her that I would like that. But secretly I was nervous about seeing her and not getting too emotional, but I would try. I loved her, so I had to try. I couldn’t cut her out of my life because my heart was broken. That wasn’t fair to her.

  We finished up our last Friday practice before school started on Monday. I was happy school would be starting because that would be even more of a distraction for me. Amelia, our team captain, announced that we would all be going out for Mexican food tonight to celebrate our summer training coming to an end.

  Everyone was in agreement, and then she turned to me. “And that means you too, freshman!” She added, laughing, “We will keep Nick away from you, OK?”

  “Oh, OK, sure,” I said nervously.

  Misty squealed with excitement because I had agreed to go out with them. Obviously I was a bit of a bore for a roommate. I took a nice, long siesta that afternoon, and when I woke up I took a quick shower. I wondered what to wear to a team celebration, and I decided on my black, linen pants and a spaghetti-strap, blousy top and sandals. I straightened my hair for the first time in months. I walked out and sat on the couch to wait for Misty.

  I heard her and Todd in her room giggling and laughing, and my heart was filled with envy. I looked down at my iPhone, and I had some updates. There was an update on Notre Dame news blinking. I clicked on it.

  It was a short paragraph on the new quarterback who would be leading the team this year named Daniel Hollingsworth. I froze when I read his name. There was a photo of him sitting in the weight room after a workout, and he looked incredible. My entire body tingled at the sight of him. He was beautiful. He looked more muscular and ripped in the arms, and I assumed they had him working out pretty hard. The article asked him a few questions about his summer training, his family connection to the football program, and his hopes for the season. He was humble, of course, saying how he would work hard and give it everything he had. He gave all the credit to his teammates. That was how Daniel was, and I loved him even more as I read the article.


  Then I got to the end of the interview, and the female reporter asked, “All the girls here at Notre Dame are dying to know if Daniel Hollingsworth is single.”

  He responded, “Nope! I have a girlfriend whom I love very much.”

  I felt as if all the blood slowly drained from my body. I ran into the bathroom and shut the door. I was hyperventilating. Oh my gosh. He loved her? Daniel was in love with Crystal Bryant? How was that possible? I leaned my back up against the bathroom wall, and I slid down it to the floor. I started to cry. This was just not what I was expecting, at least not so soon. I crawled over to get toilet paper to wipe my face.

  Misty knocked on the door. “You ready, Charlie? Is everything OK?” she asked softly.

  “Oh yes, I’ll be right out,” I said shakily.

  I turned the water on so that she wouldn’t hear me trying to stop my crying. OK, Charlotte, pull it together, I thought. I reminded myself of the saying “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And then I looked in the mirror and tried to apply a little makeup to hide my puffy face. But what if this does kill me, I wondered. Could you die from a broken heart? Did God think I was stronger than I really was? Well, I could be the case study because I didn’t think anyone’s heart could hurt as much as mine did.

  I opened the door, and there they were, Misty and Todd, the cutest couple I had ever seen. He adored her, and she was beaming.

  “OK, let’s go whoop it up, guys!” Misty said excitedly. “You look awfully cute tonight, Charlie!” she said sweetly.

  “Oh, thank you. You look very pretty!” I said, looking at her.

  I couldn’t shake the sick feeling that I had. I couldn’t believe that damn reporter had to ask him that. Daniel had a girlfriend, and he was proud to announce it. My gosh, he was the one who set my phone up to receive the news updates. Didn’t he care how it would make me feel? What had happened to him? I thought I knew him as well as I knew myself. How could I have been so off-base with him? I needed to push that feeling away. I could cry it out as soon as I got back to my room. But at that moment I needed to suck it up and be part of a team that had welcomed me in and been nothing but supportive.