Angel

by Todd Young

  “How the fuck does that work?”

  “Angel. I really don’t know. But I can tell you what I think.”

  Silence. Then, “Yeah. Go on.”

  Finn stretched his toes and lifted his foot, tickling Angel’s ass. As he began to speak, his foot settled between Angel’s thighs again. “It’s like this. Life is a psychic experience. You believe you live in a body, on a planet, but in fact you have no evidence for this. Time appears to flow in a linear direction, and as time flows you receive sensory data. This data may be an interpretation of a corporeal world, but you have no way of knowing if this corporeal world really exists, or if it is merely an illusion, even in part, as color, sound, smell, taste and touch turn out to be.

  “Sure it hurts if you cut yourself or fall over. That’s the sensory perception. But you have no way of knowing if it’s real.”

  “What about other people?”

  “Them too. Figments of your imagination, or they may as well be. I mean, if you look at things honestly, life is a dream. Reality is a mindscape. The only difference between reality and a dream is the illusion of sensory perception and the limits of an apparently classical universe.”

  “That’s what the Buddhists say.”

  “Well … I mean, more or less. It’s probably what they’re getting at.”

  “You think that’s what Jesus was doing?”

  “What?”

  “Altering reality with his imagination.”

  “I guess so. But I’d keep your attention fixed on Hunter.”

  As though uttering his name had summoned him, footsteps clanged on the gridwork overhead. Angel was almost certain Hunter wouldn’t hear him, yet he nevertheless lowered his voice.

  “Couldn’t we …?”

  “What?”

  “Couldn’t we work against him somehow? I mean, hell, he’s in utero and we’re burgeoning. Shouldn’t we have the power to alter reality ourselves?”

  “Fuck, Angel, what do you think I’m trying to do? Why do you think I’ve got you lying in the sun? Why do you think I told you about the water? I mean, shit, all we need is enough water and light — and our mates, of course.”

  “Our mates?”

  “Sure. That’s the most important thing.”

  Angel was reminded of the harmony that had coursed between Cole and himself on the night they’d traveled here. He’d felt as though he were drawing strength from Cole, and Cole had said the same. On the platform, when Cole fell, Angel had reached for him unthinkingly, a bolt of brilliant light erupting from his hand. Remembering it now, he decided to tell Finn.

  “Really?” Finn said, his voice lifting with interest. He got up quickly and sat by Angel, his hands clasped around his knees.

  Angel nodded, the side of his face scraping the gritty floor. Finn’s fair hair was blaring in the sunshine, his silver-white wings gleaming with a steel-like vapor. Between his ankles the tender flesh of his sac was resting on the flagstones, a miniature beanbag, his penis looped gently over it. Something Hunter had said about fucking a guy’s junk up recurred to Angel and he closed his eyes.

  “You all right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You know, I’d like to do that. I’ve been imagining — dreaming I had powers …. It’s like … I was a Super Saiyan. I thought I was being stupid. But I mean, you know we can fly, right?”

  “Well, yeah, when we’re not trapped in a cell.”

  “Have you tried it?”

  Angel remembered how he’d lifted his feet from the apartment floor, though he guessed it didn’t count. Cole had flown. If anything it had scared him. He shook his head.

  Finn nodded. He stopped for a moment and dropped his head between his elbows, his eyes fixed on his cock and balls. When he lifted his head again, he spoke in an altered tone. “You know, Angel, there is a way out.”

  “A way out?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How?”

  “Well, I figure if we …”

  “What?”

  Finn turned his head and stared across the corridor. Juan and Ben were stretched out under overexposed sunlight, a white glow flaring above their naked bodies, the feathers of their wings glistening with restless life. As Finn watched, darkness collapsed on the cell, Hunter dropping a plywood board on the grid.

  Juan and Ben groaned.

  “If we …” Finn turned back to Angel and stopped.

  “What?”

  “You won’t like it.”

  “Why won’t I like it?”

  “You just won’t.”

  “Well, you’re not going to know unless you tell me,” Angel said. He rolled onto his side and propped himself on an elbow.

  Finn smiled, and within it there was something sexual, an invitation of some sort. Confused and a little anxious, Angel sat up. He crossed his legs and cupped his hands over his junk.

  “Well-ll,” Finn said, lowering his eyes and extending his hand. The tips of his fingers brushed Angel’s shin and trailed along it before Finn gripped his calf. He squeezed a handful of muscular flesh and then lifted his eyes. He smiled, something a little lewd and perhaps hopeful in it. “I figure … we need a mate to grow, to develop … and our mates are …”

  Angel froze rigid, staring at Finn’s hand. Finn shuffled forward and bent into Angel’s groin. He unfurled his hand and began to stroke the underside of Angel’s thigh, his fingers crawling spiderlike toward Angel’s groin. Finn lifted his eyes and they stared at one another just as Finn forced his hand beneath Angel’s. Angel lifted his hands, spellbound by Finn’s silver eyes. Almost instantly, Finn had his hand on Angel’s junk and Angel’s cock was unfolding.

  He closed his eyes.

  “You and I could bind,” Finn said, his lips against Angel’s ear.

  “I’m paired with Cole.”

  “Mmm. I said bind.”

  “Bind?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “I couldn’t do anything to hurt him.”

  “How would it hurt him?” Finn said, wrapping a fist around Angel’s rigid shaft. “How will he ever know? It’s not like we’d be paired.”

  “Maybe he’ll find out,” Angel said, his eyes shut tight. He’d stop Finn in a minute, but right at the moment …

  Finn ducked down and kissed the eye of Angel’s cock. Angel sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes opening. He placed his hand unthinkingly on the back of Finn’s head, a thrill coursing through his body as he sensed its silkiness. Hell, Finn was so much sexier than Cole. From this angle, Angel could see the valley of smooth flesh sitting over his spine and trace it to where Finn’s ass cheeks parted, Finn kneeling and bending over Angel’s groin with his knees askew, the small of his back a deep, graceful dip.

  As Finn tickled Angel’s head with his tongue, Angel closed his eyes, though more gently this time. He exhaled, his bottom lip quivering with an excess of sexual sensation. Saliva welled in his mouth and he yearned to enfold Finn in his arms.

  Finn lifted his head. “So-o?” he said, his expression hopeful. He waggled Angel’s cock as though it were a gearshift.

  Angel stilled Finn’s hand with his own and they sat gazing at one another calmly. “We really can’t, Finn.”

  “Come on.”

  Angel shook his head.

  Finn tugged on Angel’s cock a little, but Angel tightened his grip on Finn’s fist. The pressure on his cock was painful, but he stared at Finn steadily. Finn lifted himself onto his knees and whispered in Angel’s ear again.

  “I could make you a real angel.”

  “A real angel?”

  “If we bind together, when we’re already paired with another, then I figure we’ll have … power. We’ll be able to break out of this place.”

  Momentarily confused, Angel reached for Cole with his mind. A moment of panic ensued, a moment in which he failed to find Cole. Then he was aware of his presence once more, the beauty of Cole’s personality flooding his mind. The connection between them had weakened somewhat, and a moment of confused anx
iety skittered between them as they realized it. Wordlessly, Angel presented to Cole what Finn had been suggesting, and as might have been expected, Cole panicked, frightened he would lose Angel altogether.

  Angel jolted. Finn’s hair was tickling his ear and the guy had a firm grip on his cock. Angrily, Angel gripped Finn’s shoulders and thrust him away. “What about Cole, Finn? I mean, hell, don’t you give a fuck about Jason?”

  “Jason?”

  “You said you were in love with Jason.”

  “I am in love with him.”

  Angel pried Finn’s fingers from his cock. “Well, you’ve got a fucking strange way of showing it,” he said, bitterness twisting his features.

  Finn got up and walked away just as a plywood board dropped over the cell. “Hell, Angel, you can love more than one person at a time,” he said in the darkness. “Why does nobody understand that?”

  73

  Days passed. In the mornings they lay in the sun, and in the afternoons they waited for Hunter. Around two or three he’d arrive with a wooden pail into which he’d poured a couple of inches of water. It was dirty, but they drank it anyway, Finn’s injunction being that they should drink it all.

  Finn and Angel barely spoke. In response to Finn’s repeated efforts to engage Angel, Angel had done his best to harden himself. It was impossible not to touch Finn; the cell was too small. At night, they lay cocooned in each other’s wings, and often in the day, particularly the late afternoons, they would seek each other’s bodies for warmth.

  Finn spent most of his time concentrating on his psychic abilities, which he believed he could strengthen. Following Angel’s rejection, it was the only hope they had, he said. Angel considered this sullenly. Time and again, often in the middle of the night, he was on the brink of giving in to Finn, who he now realized he loved sincerely. If Cole hadn’t been so tangibly close, so present in Angel’s mind, he easily might have.

  As time passed, however, Angel’s connection to Cole began to unravel. The major break happened suddenly, as though there were a pivotal moment beyond which nothing would ever be right again. Before then, Cole had been close, not as close as the night they’d arrived, but close enough. Perhaps the bond had been weakening slowly, as Angel had already realized, but he hadn’t been particularly concerned. If anything, he’d been hopeful things would improve.

  Things had between Jason and Finn.

  An hour or so after they’d laid down one night, Finn had started into wakefulness. He released the word, “Jase?” with an exhalation of excitement and relief. Angel had been doggedly trying to soften his erection. He’d more or less accepted by now that when Finn and him were lying together there’d be a measure of sexual excitement, and often a pair of stiff cocks, between them. But at the moment he jumped up, Finn had been soft and Angel hard. Which had frustrated Angel, as he didn’t want Finn thinking he was interested.

  “Can you hear him?” Angel said.

  “Yeah. Now he’s got Cole by him.”

  Angel propped himself on an elbow.

  “At least, I think that’s it. Cole’s giving him strength.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I think so. But it’s like, now that I look harder, there’s something else there. In the void. A dark well of feeling.”

  “A dark well of feeling?”

  “It’s like … another body of consciousness encompassing us. Helping us.” He paused. “I’m not sure it’s human, but it feels maternal.”

  Angel stared blankly at Finn’s silver eyes. “And Cole’s okay?”

  “What? Yeah. Of course.”

  “Can I speak to him?”

  “How would you speak to him?”

  “I don’t know. Can you give him a message for me?”

  Almost imperceptibly, Finn shrugged in the inky gloom.

  “Can you tell him I’m okay?”

  Finn nodded.

  “And …?” Angel said, after waiting more than a minute.

  “He knows you’re okay.”

  Angel smiled, he stretched toward Cole with his mind, freed momentarily from his angst over the situation with Finn. Automatically, he spoke. “Cole?” But Cole failed to reply. Angel pushed a little harder. He streamed into Cole’s consciousness momentarily, only to have it collapse around him. He frowned, pushed forward with a desperate yearning and all but heard Cole cry out in fear. Cole shuddered. Something tore. And Angel was suddenly and dreadfully alone again, not only rent from Cole but every other association. Then an awareness of Finn and Jason, and faintly, of the other angels, filtered into Angel’s mind, and yes, amongst them all, Cole vaguely featured.

  “What happened?” Angel said, feeling as though he’d received a blow to the chest.

  Finn shrugged.

  “He’s scared of me.”

  “You’re misinterpreting things.”

  And Angel had left it at that. He frowned over it, and spent an hour or more thinking it over after they’d settled into each other’s arms again. As he was falling into sleep, Cole again appeared, and again there was fear. Cole was in a golden cornfield, running from Angel horrified, as though Angel were chasing him with a chainsaw. No matter how doggedly Angel pursued him, Cole was determined to escape, it seemed.

  When he woke in the morning Angel was lying on the floor of the cell alone. Finn had slipped from beneath his wings some time ago, rousing Angel slightly, though he’d fallen back to sleep. Waking now, Angel turned anxiously. Although he’d feared he might not be, Finn was sitting against the wall. He had his knees drawn up, his head hanging between them, the elbows of his wings pointing at the corners.

  Angel was about to speak when he realized Finn was muttering. He listened in silence. For the most part, the words were indistinguishable, though Angel hadn’t been listening long when he heard, “Jase.”

  “Are you speaking to Jason?”

  Finn lifted his head. He stared at Angel impassively, as though he were a corpse.

  “I said, ‘Are you speaking to Jason?’”

  “Can you wait a minute? I’m listening.”

  Angel checked his anger and blundered to his feet. As usual, he was sore after a night on the dusty flagstones and his feathers were crampled. He unfurled his wings and beat the air in frustration.

  Finn’s eyes opened wide. “Hell, they’re pretty big.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  Angel twisted his head and drew a hand through the feathers of one wing. He’d got into the habit of grooming himself each morning, though today he did it with a little more pride perhaps. When he’d finished, he turned to Finn again.

  “Is Cole okay?”

  “Why wouldn’t he be?”

  “Can you check with Jase?”

  Finn frowned, a ripple of annoyance crossing his features. He glanced away, concentrated, and then lifted his eyes to Angel again. “He’s fine.”

  Angel nodded, and a smile broke out. Enthusiastically, he reached for Cole. A moment passed in which he seemed to hit a wall, and then he broke through it. As he trickled into Cole’s consciousness, however, again Cole shuddered. It was as though he thought Angel were a ghost, or one of the dark.

  “Cole!” Angel cried desperately, but as the word died away, the connection broke.

  Over the next few days, Angel worked on improving the situation. He figured if Finn could strengthen his psychic abilities then he could do the same. He spent hours reaching for Cole, determined to commune with him, and eventually he got somewhere. He found Cole, and once he’d found him, he began to doubt Finn. How could Cole be okay when he didn’t seem able to greet Angel without a shudder of fear? Now that Angel was insistent, Cole would let him in, but obviously something was wrong. It had to be. Then again, the connection was so frail that Angel couldn’t be sure. Perhaps his fears were unfounded. Perhaps he was imagining the whole thing.

  He darkened.

  Angry at Finn and unsure of Cole, Angel slipped inwards and began to ruminate on life. If what Finn had sa
id were true, if life were nothing but a psychic experience, then wasn’t it essentially true that you were alone? The only being in the universe? With no idea of who or what or where you were, with no idea of the extent of yourself, and with no one and nothing whom you might communicate?

  The horror of it was appalling, and though Angel railed against it, he couldn’t help following it to its logical conclusion. If people were an illusion, then how could they possibly matter? If you were imagining them, then there was no need to feel sorry for them if they hurt themselves, or even (and Angel winced as he thought it) if you hurt them.

  Deliberately.

  Because you might want to do that.

  You could simply laugh at someone’s else’s pain, Angel decided, but as he thought it everything he’d been taught about life and what it meant to be human revolted within him and he groaned, hopelessly confused, and started to sob.

  You couldn’t do that to someone.

  You didn’t do that to people.

  “Are you okay?” Finn said, his voice thick with surprise and fear. He’d been with Jason for hours now, sitting against the wall with a beatific smile on his face.

  “What the fuck would you care?”

  “What?”

  “You wouldn’t fucking care.”

  “Angel,” Finn said, his voice gentle, “you know I do.”

  “Yeah. Right, Finn. Why don’t you keep your fucking distance or I might …”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. I’d enjoy it. I’m sure I could enjoy it.”

  They stared at one another distrustfully. A moment later, Finn was speaking with Jason again, Angel’s problems forgotten. Angel glared at him, twisting his lips at Finn’s changing expression. It looked as though he were in ecstasy, and as Angel watched, the first tendrils of resentment and jealousy began to lick at him. Here was Finn, safe from Hunter, communing with his mate, while Angel …

  Angel was going fucking crazy.

  And he did love Finn.

  Even if he loved Cole too.

  Again he groaned, clutching his head with his arms.

  “What the fuck’s wrong now?”