“No.” Robin casually crossed his long arms across his broad chest. “I won’t.”
Bak thrust his ugly face close and poked a crooked finger at Robin’s chest. “You will take it back or me and my men will—”
“What? Your men will do what, Azzwards?” Robin pranced about, mocking the bonkers buccaneer. “Dress up in pink tutus and perform The Nutcracker Suite? That might be difficult without Zelda around to keep you on beat with her whip.”
I put the ale pitcher down at this point and slowly backed away from the table, sensing what was to happen next. From the corner of my eye, I glimpsed Cruilla heading toward her office. And then I spied something more frightening…my malevolent tormentors, Henry and Bernard, silently skulking toward Robin.
I was about to scream, “Watch out behind you!” when I noticed two other bandits creeping up from behind Bak Azzwards. Could they be Robin’s men?
They had to be, since Robin acted as if he hadn’t a care in the world. And why should he? The odds were even—or more likely stacked in his favor. For one of Robin’s men stood at least two and half meters tall and weighed as much as the mythical long-nosed pachyderm of Old Terra. His limbs were as thick as the long-lived rungeon trees of Magella Seven. And the size of his hands and feet? Well, I really didn’t want to go there… I could only imagine what gargantuan sized underwear the behemoth must take, and I didn’t have time to slip on a dry pair of panties.
The other pirate? Well, the less said about him the better. Short, round and balding. While there’s nothing wrong with baldness itself, together with his other attributes this man seemed more comical than threatening. Not exactly someone you could depend on in a fight. I quickly ran behind the counter to fetch a weapon in case Robin needed help.
“Take it back!” Bak Azzwards yelled. “Or elth thay in a loud voith tho everyone can hear, ‘The media playth a vital role in keeping the electorate informed and educated about important campaign ithues of the day!’”
“I will not.” Robin covered a yawn with his hand. “It’s simply not true.”
Purple veins popped out on the older pirate’s forehead. “It ith! It ith!”
“No, it’s not. We live in a dictatorship, Bak. We don’t have an electorate—informed or otherwise. Therefore, the media plays no important role whatsoever.”
“Aaaagggggghhhhhhh!” The evil pirate captain screamed and wrapped his pudgy, ring-filled fingers about Robin’s neck, lifting him off the ground. “You take it back!”
“A little help,” Robin squeaked. His men rushed forward and engaged Henry and Bernard with their fists. Robin kicked Bak in the lower regions, then dropped and rolled as his nemesis involuntarily released him.
“Oooo!” Bak doubled over in pain. “You play naughty, Robin Manhood. You alwayth did, you pervert.”
Robin sprang to his feet and raised his dukes. “I learned from the best, Bak.”
Bak grinned evilly and took a step backward. “You’re right. You learned from me! Henry—throw me my thword!”
At this point I grabbed the large, flat cricket bat Cruilla kept behind the bar and scrambled up on the countertop. The bat had come in useful in many a barroom brawl and would do so again.
Since spaceport regulations forbade customers from carrying weapons into a drinking establishment, the government had installed auto-scanner devices at the threshold to enforce this policy. But many patrons were able to shield smaller knives and electronic devices by carrying portable field disruptors on their persons. And by the looks of the knives, laser cutters and electronically enhanced brass knuckles suddenly appearing in the ever-widening field of brawlers, the portable field disruptor business was definitely something worth investing in.
“Robin, catch!” I yelled above the commotion, lobbing the cricket bat to my rescuer before he could turn around. The lopsided stick whirled about several times in mid-air before landing precisely on top of his skull with a loud thump. He blinked several times, then slumped to the floor.
“Robin!” I threw myself bodily into the melee in a vain attempt to shield my champion from further harm. But all too soon I found myself in the sticky-handed grasp of Henry and Bernard.
“What have we here?” Henry gloated. “Why, if it ain’t the wench with the ruler. Our boss thinks you’re special. Ready for a whipping with that ruler, pretty girl?”
“It’s a slide rule, you idiot!”
I twisted and kicked against their hold, but the brutes held tight. Poor Robin was still out cold on the floor. Fortunately his giant of a henchman shielded him while simultaneously fighting off Bak Azzwards along with Roger and Gregory.
The battle seemed to be going against Robin’s men and all appeared lost when suddenly from the back room came a cry of defiance and a rush of half-dressed bodies, led by none other than Willie and Sal.
Beula and the girls hadn’t forgotten their promise! Scratching madly with dagger-length fingernails, they easily tore me from Henry and Bernard’s evil clutches. Along with Robin’s giant and his surprisingly nimble and quite daring bald companion, who I had seriously underestimated, we handily fought off the space pirates until the majority ran whimpering for the exits.
“Have at thee, Bak Azzwards!” Willie whipped out a light-sword from his hip holster and wildly swung it about his head. “Or are you as yellow-bellied as your pee-stained pantaloons?”
“I don’t wear pantaloonth,” Bak growled. “And you don’t, either.”
Willie quickly looked down at his dick, dangling beneath his short tunic. “Oops! Forgot to put the tights back on. How silly of me.” Blushing scarlet, he took the fencer’s stance and leveled his sword at Bak Azzwards’ heart. “En garde!”
The bushy-bearded pirate in pink blinked. “What thay you?”
“En garde… Isn’t that the correct fencing terminology?”
Everyone shrugged and mumbled, “Yeah, that’s right, I guess so.”
“Right,” Willie said, grinning. “Put up your sword and fight like the semblance of a man you think you are then.”
Bak placed his hands on his hips and pouted. “Well, I don’t play the game if I don’t underthand the rulethz.”
The stalling tactic was obvious, but I could tell that Willie reasoned better with his cock than his head.
“Oh, come on, Bak. I’ll spot you the first parry if you’ll just fight me. I’ve always wanted to brag to the girls that I bested the evil Captain Bak Azzwards once in battle. Please? I’ll share the extra pussy I’ll get whenever I tell the story from now on.” He noted Bak’s dramatic roll of the eyes. “Or not—whichever you prefer.”
“I’d prefer you—on a thkewer!”
And with that, the black-hearted buccaneer lunged forward with his light-sword. Willie sucked in his gut and narrowly missed becoming a human shish-ka-bob. Blindly stepping backward, he toppled over his unconscious friend on the floor.
“Oof!” Willie landed in a heap on his bare butt. “Ow. This floor is incredibly sticky…”
Bak pointed his light-sword directly at Willie’s heart and laughed maniacally. “Prepare to be penetrated.”
My heart raced. A brave man was about to die in front of my eyes. The crowd took a collective step back, allowing honor to run its course. Would no one save him?
“Penetrate?” a familiar baritone mumbled. “You wish, Azzwards.”
Robin popped up from his prone position, wielding the cricket bat. He swung it hard at the space captain’s knees, connecting with a loud smack of splintering wood and disintegrating bone.
“Aaaagggggghhhhhhh!” Bak Azzwards crumpled to the ground. “Oh, me legs! Me legs! You’ll pay for thith, Robin Manhood… Blimey, the floor sure ith filthy down here...”
Limping themselves, Henry and Bernard gently lifted their captain into a chair.
Robin stood and dusted his hands off. “That’ll teach you to play dirty, Bak.”
The bearded pirate captain simply stuck out his tongue in reply as his men attempted to brace his brok
en kneecaps with splintered chair rails. Robin helped Willie to his feet, and soon everyone in the bar was grabbing his or her personal effects and hobbling to the doors.
Robin approached, lowering his voice to a whisper. “If you want to escape this dump, Miss Beautiful-and-Brainy, now’s the time to make your break. Gather your gear and meet up with us at space dock number sixty-nine as soon as possible, and no later. Understood?”
“Aye, aye, Captain Manhood.” I saluted him with a smile.
At last! I was going to travel the galaxy and crawl out of this filthy, sticky hellhole. I quickly ran up the rickety stairs behind the bar to my cubbyhole of a room. I didn’t have much in the way of personal effects to retrieve. Other than the blouse and skirt I wore, I owned little in the way of clothing. A heart-shaped locket hologram of my parents I wore on a braided silver chain about my neck, my slide rule and my worn copy of What Every Young Girl Should Know About Unprotected Alien Sex were among my prized possessions.
I slipped out of the sandals I wore in the bar and pulled on my black, oxtrig leather thigh-high boots. The boots had been a birthday present from Beula and the girls on my birthday, and I rarely had a reason to wear them. But today was a special occasion—and didn’t all space-faring pirates need a good pair of leather boots?
I pulled on a dark purple pilot’s jacket that had been left behind by one of our customers. Cruilla didn’t believe in keeping a lost and found box, and since I was thin enough to fit into it, she had begrudgingly let me keep it. I tossed the rest of my things into an old khaki duffle bag I’d somehow acquired over the years and bounced back down the steps toward freedom.
It was then I heard the screech of police sirens.
“Oh, no. She didn’t… She did. The bitch!”
Aunt Cruilla had called in the law. She didn’t often break up barroom brawls by calling the cops, preferring instead the cricket bat and a few well-chosen words to send the brawlers running, but this time she must have felt her very livelihood was threatened. She was willing to risk the fines she’d receive for allowing weapons on the premises and prostitutes in the back room.
The more I thought about it, the more it didn’t make sense. Those two charges alone could close down the Black Hole for months, denying her a lot of business. Something didn’t quite add up. Someone had put her up to calling the police. I was certain of it.
I slipped into Cruilla’s small office, out of sight, as the officers rushed in wielding their laser pistols and anti-portable shield disruptor devices.
“What’s all this, then?” bellowed the head copper. He stopped and stared at the gathering at the big table, motioning for his men to surround the group. “Hello, hello… Who all have we here? Why, if it isn’t the notorious space pirate captains Robin Manhood and Bak Azzwards. To whom do we owe this pleasure, gentlemen?”
“To me,” Cruilla boasted. She waded over several sprawled bodies of space pirates and other human debris, sidling up to the police officer. “These criminals were tearing my place apart over some silly disagreement about a girl. I’d had enough and called you gents to help clear them out.”
The slightly graying, roundish lawman took a quick look around the pub and grinned. “Looks like most of them have cleared out already, but we’ll gladly take the rest off your hands. There’s quite a bounty of both of these two gentlemen’s heads.”
My heart sank as his disgust-filled eyes rested on Robin. My handsome space pirate glumly smiled back at the lawman and allowed the coppers to remove his weapons.
“A bounty? Really?” Aunt Cruilla’s beady eyes glowed with pure greed. “And would I get at least a portion of the proceeds, Officer?”
“Definitely. And if you throw some free drinks and entertainment now and then for me and my boys, you may even find yourself looking at a free year’s worth of protection from the Galactic Costra Nostra.”
Cruilla rubbed her hairy chin thoughtfully. “Interesting.”
“Oooo—me leg! It’th killin’ me. Ooooooo!” Bak screeched and whined like a brat. He shed a crocodile tear and batted his long lashes at the head lawman. “Please, kind offither, allow me to obtain thome medical treatment before ye take me away to your jail. Oooooooooooooo!”
The policeman covered his ears and grimaced. “Oh, all right. I can’t stand that howling. You got a medical mender somewhere in this dive, er, establishment, ma’am?”
“Just one of those bulky older versions in the back that’s difficult to move. Allow me to take Captain Azzwards and treat him while you round up the rest of your prisoners.”
The lying bitch! Cruilla was too cheap to even purchase a used medical mender device. We had to resort to wearing bandages and braces whenever we hurt ourselves working in the bar. What would the officer do when he found out she’d lied?
The officer nodded for Henry and Bernard to drag the moaning space dog on his chair toward the back room—without a police escort. Cruilla quickly followed.
So, that was their game… The cops were all on Bak Azzwards’ side and Cruilla had been in on the plan all along. The entire evening must have been a set-up to capture Robin and his men.
Robin—my savior and my ticket out of this shitty spaceport.
But how could I rescue my rescuer? Armed policemen surrounded him and his men, and I was just one woman. What could I do to distract them long enough for Robin to make his escape?
There was only one thing I could do, I decided. I immediately shimmied out of my clothes, leaving on only my matching lacy white thong and bra set, my thigh-high boots and my silver locket. I packed the rest of my gear into my duffle bag and slung it over my shoulder.
“Oh, officer… officer, yoo-hoo,” I cooed, sashaying toward the flush-faced fat man I assumed was their leader. I threw my bag down on the table and began to dance my fingertips up and down my torso. The rosy peaks of my tits poked the lacy material and the delicate touch of my hands sent shivers of delight coursing through my dampening pussy. How could I have known that danger and excitement could be such a turn on!
“Officer, I am a licensed entertainer in this district, and I wish to make a complaint.”
“A complaint, miss?” He gulped hard as I lifted a leg and planted in on the table. I arched my back and thrust my ass out for his closer inspection. “Uh, what kind of complaint?”
“A business complaint. I haven’t received payment from Cruilla for my evening’s services.”
“Praise be to the goddess, I’d love her to service me,” one of the policemen muttered as his colleagues concurred with whistles and grunts. Their skintight white uniform pants stretched hard across their budding erections.
I stuck out my chin and took a steadying breath. I noticed from the corner of my eye that Robin’s men, though equally intrigued by my erotic display, were motioning each other to be ready for what was to happen next. I felt confident that they’d be able to slip away without too much trouble. The chief officer took a step closer and reached out a stubby-fingered hand to pet my long locks.
“Cruilla said she’d settle with us at evening’s end, and it looks like you’re closing the place down for the night. I want my money.” I cupped my breasts and pouted.
“Is that all you want?” He edged up right next to me now and pressed his hard on against my thigh. “I mean, I could make it very easy for you to make a shitload of money in this one-shuttle town if you’d just act friendly toward me now and then.”
“Friendly? How?” I batted my long lashes innocently. “I’m an entertainer. I dance. I was trained at the shrine of the Goddess of Fun, Fertility and Family Planning. I’ve taken a vow never to have sexual relations with anyone until I make a million credits. This is the first week of my vow, too.”
“Aw, crap,” came the moan from the assembled men.
The chief pressed his rigid cock harder against my flesh. I could tell his comrades were eager to follow suit. I held my head up defiantly and stared all them down, but my lip began to tremble and a nervous sheen dotted my
forehead.
This diversion was going to be harder to pull off than I’d thought. I was going to get gang-raped for sure this time… And I was doing this to pay back Robin for saving me from a certain gang-rape the other day. My life sure had an ironic sense of timing.
But praise be to the goddess, Beula and the girls quit the dark corners where they had hidden themselves and crowded around the horny policemen, drawing their attentions away from their boss ogling me at the table. Meanwhile, he had turned his back to the others and slipped a finger inside my panties, fingering my pussy.
“Hmm… Nice and moist.” I squirmed against his filthy digit probing my intimate parts, but he held fast, lowering his face to get a closer whiff of my intimate recesses. “Ah…so fragrant and ready. You sure you don’t want to change your vow and take up a new profession?”
“Why should she bother with a new profession if she’s going to be dead soon?”
Robin’s deep voice cut through the collective moans of the lusty lawmen. I felt something hard and cold pressing against my windpipe. I stiffened and felt myself drawn tightly into his strong arms, away from the monster fondling me. Both he and his deputies backed away and put up their hands.
“There’s no need for this lovely little lady to take up a new career if she’s buried six feet under, now is there?” Robin’s diabolical laughter made my blood run cold. If he was acting, it certainly sounded like the real thing to me. “If you don’t want a bloody corpse or a hostage crisis on your hands, you’ll allow me and my men to leave this place without an escort.”
“All right, Manhood. You win. Just let the girl go and we’ll let you and your men leave in peace.”
Robin yanked me toward the door. I gasped and sputtered. “John Thomas,” he said, nodding toward the giant, “Retrieve our guest’s things there. She may find it a bit cold in the far reaches of outer space without her clothes.”
My duffle bag reclaimed, the giant backed away from the lawmen and covered Robin’s right side. Several other space pirates that had been lying comatose on the floor jumped up at that moment and stood by his side. Robin and his men must have known all along that the Black Whole had been a trap and had been prepared for just such an outcome.
Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures Page 3
