Faking It

by Christina Ross

  “In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal? I’m afraid in this business, there is. Before I called you, Julia came into my office and told me you were trending on Twitter again. I read some of the tweets, and what I can tell you is that the public is fiercely on your side. You have their empathy, their sympathy, and their outrage. People are furious about what happened to you today, especially since our country is in the midst of having a heated discussion about sexual assault, whether it be in the entertainment industry or in Washington—or wherever. And because of that, Sienna, your fans are behind you, and they are furious.”

  “They aren’t my fans,” I said. “They’re Jackson’s fans.”

  “Call them whatever you want, but these people are actively protesting what that man did to you. They want him arrested.”

  “What are the chances of that happening?”

  “The TMZ article stated that the man was detained by the crowd and that the police had been called. Have they reached out to you yet?”

  “No.”

  “If there’s any truth to the TMZ article, they will soon. You need to be prepared for that.”

  “What does all this mean for my evening with Jackson tonight?”

  “Nothing. If the police reach out to you, tell them you’ll meet with them tomorrow morning. Because right now? In this climate? The world is waiting to see how well you handle this situation, and the answer is that it must be met with strength, honesty, and conviction. If you cancel your evening with Jackson, the man who assaulted you will have won. Do you want that?”

  “Absolutely not.”

  “Good, because this is your moment to show the world how strong you are, Sienna. People want to see your resilience, and that’s what I need you to bring tonight. I need you to own tonight. I want you to show up at the North Cove Marina looking more beautiful than you ever have, because that will send a definitive message to your fans and to the world that you are a fierce woman who is bigger than one man’s offensive actions. I know I’m asking a lot from you. I understand that doing what I’m suggesting will be hard on you, but I also know how the public thinks. Tonight, the woman who starred in Lion needs to come out looking like a lion. It won’t only be masses who will respect you if you do that—it also will be everyone who has been sexually assaulted before you. I can promise you that.”

  “I get it,” I said.

  “Sienna, I hope you don’t think I’m being insensitive right now, because I feel terrible about what happened to you. I’m just trying to guide you here and give you my best advice. I know that wearing a brave face won’t be easy for you tonight, but I also know your determination and your strength. And because of that, I also know you’d regret it if you didn’t show up for tonight’s event despite what that bastard did to you.”

  As usual, Harper was right. That’s the last thing I wanted.

  “Tell Jackson and Mimi that tonight is still on,” I said. “I will not bow out now because of that freak. I have several hours before I need to leave, and I’ll use that time to pull myself together. Don’t worry about me, OK? I’ll do everything I can to look my best tonight.”

  “Reach out to me if you need me,” she said.

  “I will,” I said. “I love you, Harper. Thanks for being there for me.”

  “My love straight back to you,” she said. “In spades, Sienna. I’ll be thinking of you. And please thank Austin for doing his best in what turned out to be an impossible situation.”

  “I’ve already told him so myself, but I’ll also share with him your sentiments.”

  “Good luck tonight. And remember that I’m just a phone call away. Before I let you go, I want to tell you that Jackson and Mimi are terribly upset by what happened and that they are genuinely concerned about you. Jackson is particularly angry. He’s already taken to Twitter to condemn what happened to you today. The five of us will meet tomorrow afternoon to assess the damage and how we should proceed going forward to make sure this doesn’t happen to you again.”

  “I look forward to that meeting, because I expect things to change, Harper. This can’t happen again. I can’t be ambushed like that again. I just can’t.”

  “I hear you,” she said. “All of us are on the same page. We’ll work this out.”

  “Thanks for checking in on me.”

  “I’m always available to you, my dear girl—don’t you ever forget that. Now, go out there with your head held high, and knock them dead tonight. Show the world how strong you are. If you do that, you will let everyone know that sexual assault survivors are in fact survivors. Leave them with that, my dear, and you’ll not only win today—you’ll also own the day.”

  * * *

  When I got off the phone, Austin was already on his feet and preparing to leave.

  “I should go,” he said in a brisk tone that surprised me. I thought he’d stay, particularly after we’d been interrupted by Harper.

  “You’re leaving?” I asked.

  “You need to rest a bit, and then you need to get ready for tonight. Clearly I’m a distraction when it comes to that. I’ll be here to pick you up at seven thirty. When I arrive, buzz me through, and in case there are any paps or fans waiting outside for you, we’ll deal with them.”

  “But if they’re still there, how are we going to deal with them on our own?”

  “We won’t be dealing with them alone, because I plan on bringing one of my men with me. I’ll come and get you myself, just as I always do. But as far as I’m concerned, what’s happening to you now is more than I can handle on my own. When it comes to you, David is now officially part of your security detail, even if he doesn’t know it just yet. You met him a week ago, when things really started to become crazy for Jackson and you. You are at the point where you need serious protection, and David is as good as it gets when it comes to that. He and I will protect you. And if the two of us are not enough, I’ll bring in another man. Because I will protect you, Sienna, even if I can’t do it by myself.”

  I knew that his inability to protect me on his own couldn’t have been easy for him to admit, but that’s what he was doing—and I could tell by the troubled look on his face how ashamed he felt that he couldn’t.

  “Austin, you were terrific today,” I said to him.

  He looked hard at me.

  “Actually, I wasn’t, Sienna. I let you down. I apologize for that. I should have known this day would come, just as you predicted it would. I guess I wanted to keep you to myself for as long as I could before the day came that I couldn’t. That was selfish of me. You deserve better than that. I’m sorry I allowed my personal feelings for you to get in the way of your safety, because that should have come first. And that’s what matters most to me now. If I don’t keep you safe, then what the hell kind of man am I?”

  Why does he sound as if he’s suddenly shutting us down?

  “Austin, we got through today together,” I said.

  “No, we didn’t, Sienna. On my watch, you were sexually assaulted. I’m the one to blame for that, and because of that, I need to get my shit together. I need to do right by you and not right by me.”

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “Where is this coming from? We were just kissing a moment ago. What’s going on with you?”

  He lowered his head for a moment before he looked at me.

  “While you were on the phone with Harper, telling her what happened to you this afternoon, I realized that my feelings for you are getting in the way of protecting you. And that’s something I can’t allow to happen. I need to chill out and get my head on straight. I need take a big fucking step back.”

  “From me?”

  “Emotionally, yes.”

  “And you decided that over a ten-minute phone call with my agent?”

  “I’m not doing my job!” he said in frustration. “My job isn’t to fall in love with you—even though I am, Sienna, so there’s that. Instead, my job to take care of you. I’ll be doing that going forward.”

  He’s falling i
n love with me? I thought in bewilderment. Yes, we have a connection, but it’s so new, never once did I believe it was anything more than that. How could I have missed the signs? Why hadn’t I taken this more seriously? Was I so blind to love after what Eric had done to me that I couldn’t see it when it was unfolding right in front of me?

  I felt a chill overcome me as the ramifications of what Austin was saying hit—and hit hard.

  Am I about to lose you? I thought. I can’t lose you. I’m developing feelings for you. You could be the one, for God’s sake!

  I needed to face this head on.

  “Austin, you have been taking care of me,” I said. “You can’t feel responsible for today. No one could have predicted what took place.”

  “You did.”

  Christ!

  “Maybe I did, but I also said I didn’t think it would happen so soon.” I cocked my head at him. “What are you doing right now?”

  “The right thing.”

  “For whom?”

  “For you. I can’t help how I feel about you, but I sure as hell can man up and put those feelings aside so I can properly protect you. That’s all this is about. The way I’ve behaved has distracted both of us, which I can’t allow. Because if I keep getting in your head, if I keep sending you flowers, food, and playing music for you…if I keep distracting you, then I’ll have failed you, and that’s something I could never bear.”

  He walked over to me and took my face in his hands. His eyes searched mine, and in them, I could see his anguish as my heart started to quicken and my body began to tremble. I’d asked for this moment—I’d fucking asked for it so that I could honor my contract with Jackson and secure my future—and yet now it was the very last thing I wanted. If Austin withdrew himself emotionally from me, would he ever find his way back? Was this it for us?

  I didn’t know. I couldn’t be sure, and because I couldn’t, my eyes welled with tears.

  “Don’t do this,” I said.

  “Listen to me,” he said quietly. “What I have to accept is that there are two outcomes here. Either you will be there in the end for me, or you won’t. If you are, I’ll be the happiest man in the world. If not, at least I’ll know in my heart that I did my job by protecting you during one of the most vulnerable moments of your life. I’ll also do so knowing that you’ve secured your future, which I agree is important. I’ll still be waiting for you, Sienna. None of that has changed. But this back and forth I’ve engaged you in, this distraction I’ve created—that ends now.”

  “I’ll wait for you,” I said. “I will.”

  He kissed me when I said that, and he did so with such meaning that it felt like a final kiss—a kiss filled with ribbons of longing and the possibilities of goodbye. A kiss he wanted to remember for the rest of his life. A kiss he might tell his son about one day when he looked back on his life and reminisced about the one who got away. With waves of regret washing over me, I took his face in my own hands and kissed him back with everything I had within me, the sting of this moment lancing through me. I had to turn this around. I had to. But how?

  “I mean it,” I said when our lips parted and we looked into one another’s eyes. “I will wait for you, Austin. I’ll do it. I just got scared. I didn’t realize how deeply you felt. I’ve gotten this all wrong.”

  “Sienna, you’re at the point in your life where you can’t predict the future, because you don’t know what the future is going to bring to your door. You have an incredibly exciting life ahead of you. I can see it. In fact, I’ve felt the first moments of it, and they’ve been a whirlwind. When your contract is up, you’re set to film three movies in a row. You’ll be busier than you’d ever imagined. So, please don’t make promises you might not be able to keep, because I also have a heart. I know the risks of waiting—I understand them, and I accept them. I will wait for you. But on my own terms—and with full knowledge that you might not be there for me in the end.”

  I moved to speak, but he stopped me.

  “Get some rest,” he said. “I’ve said enough. I’ll see my way out, and then I’ll be back at seven thirty to pick you up.”

  And then, just like that, Austin gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek. He left the living room, and then I heard the door click shut behind him as he left my apartment.

  He was gone. I sat down on my sofa, gutted. As the air conditioner rattled and hummed, I felt that a part of me had just been ripped away. I’d been so focused on Jackson, my future, and just getting through each insane new day that I hadn’t once considered that Austin’s feelings might be as serious as they were. Never once had it even occurred to me that he was falling in love with me.

  But he was.

  What had felt like a dance to me had been a pursuit for him. And now, at the very moment he felt I needed to be absolutely focused, he was stepping back so he wouldn’t be a distraction.

  Would he really wait for me? I felt in my heart that he would. But what about me? He was right when he’d said that my life was blowing up. With each passing day, it only seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. When my contract was up, I was in fact scheduled to shoot three movies back to back, which Austin himself had pointed out to me. By mentioning it, had he quietly been telling me that I was about to become too busy for anything other than my career? That a part of him felt I’d never have time for him?

  Overcome with grief, I sank back against my sofa and cried as I hadn’t in years. They were great, heaving sobs. And eventually, as time ticked by, they turned into cries of resolve.

  Potentially the best thing that had ever happened to me had just left my apartment. I could either let this go now and pretend none of it had ever happened, or I could fight for us.

  What do you want?

  Now that I know this is real—that he’s truly falling in love with me—I want to be with him.

  Then, you’re going to have to reach him. You’re going to have to convince him that you’ll be there for him in the end. When he picks you up tonight, you need to be armed and ready to make that happen. Austin might be right that you’re unable to predict the future, Sienna, but you sure as hell can choose who will be a part of your future. That’s the angle he’s missing. And that’s the angle you must make him see.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  By seven that evening, I was showered, my hair was blown out in thick brown waves that fell down my back, and my face was on. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror for a moment, noting the steely determination in my eyes, and then left for my bedroom. There, I went to my wardrobe and removed the dress Mimi had sent over for me to wear tonight. Jackson had paid for it.

  It was a sleeveless Alexander McQueen draped-shoulder gown in red crepe with a jeweled neckline and a column silhouette—a statement gown that Mimi had said was perfect for editorial, which essentially meant that when Jackson and I were photographed by the paparazzi tonight before we boarded the yacht, this dress would photograph beautifully.

  Before I put it on, I admired it. The hem fell straight to the floor. The red was so red that the color literally popped. And perhaps most dramatic of all, a train in the back would fall over my shoulders and stop at my knees.

  The gown had set Jackson back a cool twelve grand. As for the shoes I’d wear tonight, the Jimmy Choo glittery platform slingback sandals that were to die for in red—they had cost him another grand.

  Since tonight’s illusion was all about looking glamorous as we went on our romantic dinner cruise on the Hudson, Jackson had said that he wanted to pay for everything. And like the gentleman he’d become since our disastrous evening at Per Se several weeks ago, he’d done just that.

  When I was dressed, I stood before my wardrobe’s full-length mirror and studied myself. Years of modeling had done me proud—the ice packs I’d applied to my eyes earlier had done the trick. After my crying jag over the potential loss of Austin, the swelling and the redness were now gone. Instead of looking like the train wreck I’d been for most of the afternoon, I looked better than
I had any reason to look. Because despite how glamorous I appeared right now, my gut was nevertheless in knots.

  Soon, Austin would arrive to pick me up. And before we left my apartment, I had a few things to say to him. I had to make him understand that I never would have behaved as I had if I’d for one moment known his true feelings for me.

  Because I hadn’t known.

  I’d thought about it all day, and the conclusion I’d come to time and again was the same. Not for one instant had I believed he was falling in love with me, because if I had, that would have been a game changer. It would have caused me to pause. It would have allowed me to reflect. And to believe that he’d meant it when he’d said that he would wait for me.

  Ever since Austin had left me this afternoon, I’d searched my heart about whether I was in love with him. In the end, I’d decided that while I certainly felt strongly about him, I wasn’t sure if that feeling was love or lust—but that didn’t matter. What mattered was not allowing the potential for love to slip away from me. From us. Now that I knew how he felt about me, I needed to open my heart to the possibilities of love.

  And that was huge for me.

  Ever since Eric had cheated on me, I’d refused to entertain any kind of romantic advances. Over the years, suitors had come and gone, but Austin…Austin was different from the others.

  When I’d first met him, yes, I’d been attracted to his devastating good looks. But because of the walls I’d built around myself since Eric, I knew there had to be something more to Austin, because he’d put major cracks in those walls—and I couldn’t ignore it. It was time for me to get over my past and give myself permission to trust in someone else again. I needed to talk with Austin about that when he arrived—even if it was only for a few minutes, since Jackson would be waiting in the car for me with David.

  If Austin is even open to talking…

  Even if he didn’t say a word, I planned on saying plenty to him. I especially needed to correct him when it came to my future. He was right to say that I couldn’t predict it, but he was overlooking that I had every right to choose who would be part of my life in the future, despite what it held for me. I had complete control over that, and he needed to hear it from me.