by Kirk Zurosky
“No promises,” Hedley answered, rising very slowly to his feet. He yawned in an exaggerated fashion. “I bid you good night and safe travels, Sirius Sinister.”
Garlic and I traveled the short distance to Florence the next morning, and I was actually eager to begin my studies. We entered Florence and went directly to the Basilica di San Lorenzo where the library is housed. It was a beautiful building with an amazing domed two-story cloister. Hedley had told me that Michelangelo had designed the plans for the library for him, complete with a special chamber off the main reading room where I would study. I had asked him why Michelangelo had done this for him, but did not get a response, other than Michelangelo had confided that Hedley had the most beautiful mind the famed artist had ever come into contact with. I shrugged—it did not matter to me.
I entered the vestibule and noted the incredible detail of the cornices and corbels, and took in the massive staircase that easily took up half of the room. Standing there, beaming proudly, had to be the man known as Bandini the lawyer. Sure, he was dressed in fine silk Florentine robes, and I could hear him jingling a plentiful amount of gold in his pockets. But what gave it away was I could smell the lawyer in him from where I stood. I decided his stink was an odd mix of old books, the blood and sweat of his clients, and a high air of superiority.
He was all platitudes and sunshine as he walked me up the staircase and into the reading room, which I found to be oddly deserted. There were big windows on each side of the room, letting in lots of natural light, and a row of seats on each side of the room with the back of each seat acting as the bench for the desk behind it. A true scholar’s paradise, I mused. But to me it was a literal literary prison. All books and no swordplay made for a bored-to-tears Sirius. And where were my instructors? I looked around for some old fogies in moldy robes but saw no one. Bandini continued walking on his merry way, as he clearly loved being in this place. When we neared the wall, he turned abruptly and pointed for me to sit at a particular bench. For a lawyer, he sure didn’t talk much!
“Here?” I asked. “It is here you want me to wait for my teachers?” Bandini nodded happily. “Ciao,” he said, as apparently his job was done. Garlic began sniffing around the base of the bench, barked once, and promptly disappeared. Did she pass into a wormhole without me? I was miffed at the nerve of that pooch to desert me in such a time of need. But I could not really blame her. I sighed as Bandini walked away without so much as a cursory wave, and I resigned myself to my scholarly fate and went to sit down and wait for my teachers. Then I heard Garlic bark, and her head popped out of the nothingness. What magic was this? I slid farther down the bench and found myself in another room entirely.
Books lined walls that stretched impossibly higher than those of the reading room. I slid off the bench, and my feet sank into plush red carpet. A small feast was set up on a wooden table complete with a comfortable padded bench. I looked back toward the reading room, but now saw a solid wooden door. Beautiful paintings adorned the walls and fine sculptures dotted countless alcoves. I looked out one window and saw a spectacular view of the city. As I walked from one window to the next, I realized that, though the view never changed, this magical space seemed endless. During my exploration, I found a round sleeping chamber off one alcove, a fully stocked kitchen off another, and a room lined with tables that had all sorts of strange glass bottles filled with odd colored liquids on them. I circled back to the table and reached for a flagon of wine and poured myself a healthy glass. Suddenly, my nose caught the delightful scent of fresh flowers and honey. I sniffed again, and the scent grew stronger, which was odd since it was December in Florence, and the windows of this place were barred shut. Where was that wonderful aroma coming from? I leaned forward and saw Hedley Edrick’s image embossed on the table. I bent for a closer look.
“Welcome to the Chamber of the Master of Masters,” a soft comforting voice said from above me. Flitting down on rainbow-hued gossamer wings was Knowledge, her beautiful diamond-flecked golden skin glistening as it caught rays of sunshine from outside the windows and spun them into dizzying rainbow patterns on the table. “Welcome, Sirius Sinister,” she said. “Who better than Knowledge to instruct you and prepare you for the lessons of the Master?”
It had been a long time since I had seen this bookworm beauty, and frankly I found it hard to concentrate on what she was saying, let alone speak myself. In spite of my years of personal growth and supposed maturity, I felt myself growing, just as I had the very first time I laid eyes on her. For like always, Knowledge was wearing nothing but a smile, and a single diamond in her hair that glinted like a small sun. “Uh, no one?” I guessed hopefully. If knowledge was indeed power, this Knowledge had all the power in the world over me right now!
She laughed and shook her head, her rainbow hair shimmering spectacularly. She hovered in the air in front of me, swaying to and fro, and it was a foregone conclusion that my eyes were unable to take their leave of her jiggling golden breasts and shimmering nipples. “No, silly Sirius,” she cooed. “That was a rhetorical question. You have so much to learn.”
I had no idea how Hedley and Justice honestly expected me to concentrate with this enchanting creature as my teacher. Somehow I knew when Justice and Hedley had been talking about me needing remedial knowledge, they were not talking about lots of mead and fun with this gorgeous creature. I tore my eyes from her breasts and looked down—right into her rainbow-hued mound—and felt my loins harden even more, yearning for her pot of gold. I forced myself to stare her right in the eyes. “Excellent,” I said. “I cannot wait for my first lesson.”
Knowledge nodded, reaching for my hand, which I was happy to give since it had worked out so well for me the last time. Would her sister Wisdom be joining us for my lesson? I think I was about to love school! Why had I not fulfilled my promise to Hedley Edrick sooner? I allowed her to guide me in the direction of the round sleeping quarters, and I could barely contain my excitement, well prepared to drop my breeches. That is, until she walked me right by the sleeping quarters and entered a room she called the laboratory. She went into a side chamber of the laboratory and emerged clad from head to toe in white. White leather boots, white shirt containing her wings, white breeches, and with her hair pulled back and bundled underneath a white bonnet of some sort. What was this about? She peered down at me through spectacles that mirrored those that Justice wore. “Are you ready to learn about science?”
I sighed, liking her previous outfit much better. “Yes,” I said, feeling rather deflated in a variety of ways. “Let us get this over with.”
For the first time, I saw what was undoubtedly irritation on Knowledge’s beautiful face. She strode over to me, her boots clacking on a floor I realized was made of some strange type of iridescent stone, and she put her face right up to mine. “One does not get science over with,” she said. “One does not learn by rushing through one’s lessons. Sirius Sinister, you will learn, and you will learn to my standards! Do you understand?”
I nodded in utter defeat, aching to kiss those perfect full lips so close to mine, but chose not to risk her full wrath. I had no idea that her long amazing tongue, which I had enjoyed once upon a time, was so capable of giving me a lashing I did not find so pleasurable. Yep, I understood all right. “I will be a most eager student,” I said. “What do you want me to do?”
She whirled around on one white-booted heel, went back into the room whence she had come, and returned with a white outfit matching her own, complete with the same goofy spectacles. “Put these on,” she said. I changed quickly, saving the glasses for last. I put them on and now saw the room through some strange rosy glass. I swore I saw a fang-toothed grin on Garlic, who snorted to herself and went for a well-deserved nap in the sleeping chamber. “Wonderful,” Knowledge announced. “You now look the part of the scientist. Thus it is time to give you the mind of one.”
We could have been in the laboratory for an hour or a mon
th, as time seemed to pass differently in the Chamber of the Master of Masters than in the outside world. Through the laboratory’s window, I saw the sun was not moving at all, held captive in the sky, seemingly stuck at midday. But true to my word, I absorbed everything she told me about all the known elements in the world, and even a few of the unknown ones.
Knowledge did not seem keen on giving me any rest, and I found my vampire brain did not need any. The more she told me, the more I actually wanted to know. She would quiz me now and again about what she had told me earlier, and always the answer seemed available to me, which made her a happy teacher. Each correct answer made Knowledge smile ever more and place a hand on my face or thigh in encouragement. Yes, I really wanted as much knowledge as she could give me.
“All right,” she said. “Let us take a break.”
I realized I was quite hungry, and I had no idea how long we had been in the laboratory. “That sounds great,” I said, rising to my feet and stretching. “I can use some air and some dinner. Care to join me?” Garlic appeared on cue, stretching from her nap and licking her lips. She bared her fangs. She too was ready for a meal. I reached for my cloak, looking forward to getting out and stretching my legs.
“Absolutely,” Knowledge said, draping a shawl over her head. “And I will be more than happy to join you. Florence is one of my favorite cities in the whole world.” She dug out a large travel cloak, and put that on over her laboratory clothes. Her wings and bodacious body were quite hidden, and she appeared in all ways quite mortal.
We slipped out of the Chamber of the Master of Masters unnoticed, walking through the reading room of the Laurentian Library where the now great multitude of scholars did not even look up from their books. I was walking slightly behind Knowledge, and even with all the clothes she wore, there was no mistaking the incomparable shape of her female form. What was wrong with these fellows? Ironic these bookworms did not notice the ultimate bookworm.
Out onto the cobblestone streets of Florence we went, and I was relieved to see the sun was finally moving in the sky. Knowledge lifted her face to the sun. “There really is nothing like a day in Florence,” she said with a contented sigh. She grabbed my hand and pulled me down a narrow side street away from the basilica. “Come on, Sirius, I know the cutest little trattoria down by the Arno.”
I pulled my shirt open at the neck—it was a temperate day for December in Florence. “How long were we studying science?” I asked.
“Well out here in Florence, not so long,” she answered. “Maybe a few minutes.”
“Tell that to my stomach,” I said.
Knowledge smiled and touched my face. “The Chamber of the Master of Masters works the opposite of Justice’s law library,” she explained. “In Justice’s law library you spent a day, and five years passed on the outside. In the Chamber of Master of Masters, you can spend years, and time stands still on the outside.”
“So, Hedley must really think we don’t have time to waste, huh?” I said with a smile.
“Indeed,” she replied. “Indeed.”
Garlic had tired of our discussion, and she bolted into a garden and returned with a rabbit in her mouth. It disappeared with a crunch of her jaws that I envied. Knowledge flashed me a dazzling smile, and I realized that I was on her time, and what transpired in the world outside the chamber mattered little to her, or to Justice and Hedley Edrick for that matter. They had a goal to achieve—illuminating me.
“Why do you love Florence so much?” I asked. I had traveled to many a city, but had not made my way to Florence before, and I had headed straight to the Laurentian Library without even so much as a brief self-tour.
“Let me show you,” she said. “Welcome to the city where the Renaissance was born!” And show me she did, touring my very hungry self through an amazing and beautiful number of cupolas, piazzas, basilicas, palazzos, and cathedrals. The architecture of Florence was like nothing I had ever seen. I also noticed that the scholars, artists, and sculptors of this fair city were the only ones that paid any attention to Knowledge. Each would prostrate themselves on the ground, or at the very least bow deeply as she passed, paying her homage not for the obviously beautiful woman she was even under all the garb she wore, but clearly for a more deeply cerebral reason. Here among the academic descendants of the Renaissance, Knowledge was indeed a veritable goddess.
To make matters worse for my hunger, all along the path we traveled, Garlic was steadily ridding the city of a number of rabbits, cats, and even one wayward duck. She was certainly enjoying her tour of the city. My stomach began growling again, and for a brief moment, I nearly considered sinking my fangs into the beefy neck of a portly merchant passing us by while stuffing an impossible amount of cheese into his mouth! At this point, blood, flesh, and cheese washed down by a flagon of one of Florence’s finest wines would have suited me just fine.
I grabbed Knowledge’s arm and slowly brought her to a halt. “Can we stop and get some food?” Surely, this lovely creature did not mean for us to tour the entire city today. She paused, surveying the square in which we stood. “Just one more stop,” she commanded. “You have to see this sculpture. It is said to be one of Michelangelo’s greatest works. Science is one thing, but appreciating art is quite another kind of education!”
“All right, just one more,” I begrudgingly agreed, following her into the square in front of the Palazzo Vecchio. By now it was late in the day, and the square was nearly deserted. “Well, well,” said Knowledge, pointing proudly at a statute. “What do you think?”
I stared at the naked marble man, who stared back at me boldly, his right hand on his thigh, and his left hand held almost to his shoulder. I said nothing, cocking an eyebrow at one obvious imperfection. “David looks toward Rome,” Knowledge said triumphantly. “He shows his defiance.” Garlic lay down at the base of the statue and yawned. I still said nothing. Should I bring it up? Knowledge seemed all excited about this naked marble man, and well . . . on she raved, “Is he not perfection! Is he not the epitome of the beauty of the human form? Are his proportions not exquisite?”
“Well, from where I am standing, David’s got a teeny epitome,” I said. “So no, I don’t think most ladies would find his proportion so exquisite.” That was the first time I saw what was clearly anger on Knowledge’s face. She said nothing, turning on a booted heel and stomping away—apparently no Renaissance man was I. I looked to Garlic. “You see it too, right?” Garlic looked up at David’s bare form, barked—whether in agreement or not I did not know—and padded after Knowledge.
By the time I had caught up to her, Knowledge, as was her nature, was completely composed. For a bookworm, she had covered quite a bit of distance in a short while. “You do realize we are only getting started on what you need to learn?” she asked. I could see the Arno River up ahead and remembered her promise of the trattoria.
“Indeed,” I said. “I figured as much. But I learn much better on a full stomach. So, before I begin ridding this town of a few fat merchants, how about we have that meal?”
I could see the promised trattoria just a few paces away when I heard a gruff voice shout my name from a tavern that appeared to double as a bordello. My hand went to my waist, and I realized that, in my eagerness to depart, the laboratory, I had left without my sword. Renaissance man good, unarmed man—bad! I quickly assessed the character of the man hailing me, and frowned, recognizing the stringy, now greasy blond hair, and those unmistakable bright blue eyes. Well, at least he was wearing clothes this time. “Hey, Sinister,” the Doorman called. “Is that you?”
I had instinctively pushed Knowledge behind me when the Doorman called out, but now I ushered her toward the trattoria to get us a table inside by the river, and Garlic and I approached the bordello. Garlic was calm, and as soon as I saw the Doorman’s spindly arms and skinny legs, like matchsticks barely holding up his hose, it was clear that she found him to be no threat. He had
seemed a whole lot bigger in Hell, or perhaps it was hard to judge his true stature when he was impaled on a door. I chalked it up to “nothing was ever what it seemed to be in the Underworld.” “Aye, Doorman,” I said. “It is I, Sirius Sinister.”
“I was sure of it,” the Doorman said. “You can call me . . . oh, damn it to where I have been. I still cannot remember my name. Doorman will do.” He looked behind him and blinked as if seeing the door there for the very first time. “I guess now I really am a doorman. Go figure—”
“Pray tell, my good man, how did you get free from Hell?” I interrupted, eager to cut off his rambling ruminations.
The Doorman smiled, revealing a lovely set of rotten teeth. I waved a hand in front of my face as his breath, frankly, still smelled like death. His skull was now intact, although from the addled look on his face, I could not wager that his brainpan had been completely restored. “I have you to thank for my freedom,” the Doorman said.
“Me,” I said. “What did I do? The last time I made your acquaintance, you were missing more than a bit of your brains, and were stuck looking at Hades’s monument to manhood for all eternadty!”
The Doorman grimaced, clearly remembering his penile view of the world while nailed to Hades’s front door. A saucy wench walked by and whistled at me, and the Doorman looked longingly after her. “Oh, that is better,” he said. “Much better.”
“Doorman! Get to it! What happened?”
He nodded and pulled his eyes from the skirt to me. “Right, right,” he said. “It seems once the scourge of all mankind realized she was all for womankind, I was no longer in fashion. She wanted something a bit more ladylike for her front door.”
“Oh, what did she pick?” I said, curious as to what a female Hades would adorn her door with.
“I don’t rightly know,” the Doorman said. “But I can tell you I was frankly worried that she would remove my twig and berries, and leave them alone nailed to her door, you know, as a lesson to all men. But she simply had the wraiths pull me from the door, after a few choice slaps to the head, and a flick or two to my naughty parts for old time’s sake, and escort me straight out of Hell.”
