Immortal Divorce Court Volume 2: A Sirius Education

by Kirk Zurosky

  “That is not like Hades to show mercy like that,” I said.

  “Oh, she didn’t,” he said. “In fact, her last words to me were, ‘I am sick of your face, your smell, and your gender. Be gone from my sight and do not ever return here again, because if you do, you shall remain a gelding for eternity, with your manhood attached to your forehead for all to see and beware!’”

  “Ouch,” I said. “And that reminds me of another creature who has suffered a similar fate. Trust me—you do not want to be that guy! So now you have devoted your life to walking the straight and narrow? Is that what brings a rogue like you to the heart of this Renaissance city?”

  The Doorman shrugged. “I could not go to Paris since the witches would like nothing better than to kill me again and send me back to Hell. So that was out. I am a wanted man in Lisbon, Barcelona, Munich, and pretty much every other city in Europe, but Florence. So here I came.”

  “Have you learned anything yet?” I said with a laugh. “This place is the apparent home of knowledge.”

  “Just to tip well at the brothel,” he said. “It keeps me out of trouble, and the ladies have stuck me out here to help advertise their services and act as their guard. Life is weird, man! I used to terrorize these places, but now I work for one.”

  I nodded and turned to leave the happy Doorman, who was clearly in a better place. “Well, take care then,” I said. “And good luck to you.”

  “Same to you,” he said. “And I will be sure to tell that guy who is looking for you that I saw you.”

  I stopped instantly and clenched my fists, turning back to the Doorman. “What did you say?”

  “You know, the guy in the hooded cloak with the evil eyes,” the Doorman said. “That guy. He says he is your friend. He gave me some gold to help remind me if I saw you. I thought it was strange, because I wondered why a great warrior like Sirius Sinister would be in a boring place like this instead of off killing people, ravaging women, and amassing a great and noble fortune. But it is not like I was going to refuse his gold! And here you are. He will be so surprised, don’t you think? If I see him tonight when he comes to the brothel, I will tell him I saw you.”

  “Doorman,” I said. “I don’t know who that is. He is no friend of mine. No one knows that I am even in Florence.”

  “Oh really,” the Doorman said, sounding genuinely surprised and confused all at the same time. He scratched his head in an effort to jog his addled brain a bit. “Well, he knew you were here, and how would anybody but a friend of yours know that?”

  I could not argue with the logic of the dimwitted Doorman. My list of enemies with evil eyes was long and spectacular. It could be anybody trying to settle an old score. But how did they know to find me here of all places? “What did he look like?”

  “His gold is nice and shiny, that I can tell you,” said the Doorman. “But he is always covered up by his cloak, and to tell you the truth, every time he comes here, I cannot do anything but look at his eyes. They are just so damn cold, man!”

  I thought for a moment, then snapped my fingers triumphantly. “He certainly has to doff that cloak to handle his business inside. What do the whores say about this man?”

  “Oh, good question,” the Doorman said, and disappeared inside only to return moments later with a frown on his face. “Sorry, Sirius, he never removes his robe or his cloak, and pays them—and quite well I might add—for two or three of the girls to be together playing with each other, and he just sits there and watches them.”

  “He is one of those . . .” I said. “A watcher . . . hmm.”

  “And at first that made the girls a bit nervous, but, well, when the gold started flowing—they are after all trained professionals—they got over their misgivings pretty quickly, dropping their dresses as soon as the gold hit the floor.”

  My stomach growled again, now very insistent that I join Knowledge. I was so focused on the Doorman and his story that I had forgotten just how hungry I was. “How about this,” I said. “You owe me, yes?”

  “Indeed, I do,” he exclaimed. “What do you need of me? Anything, just ask!”

  “Don’t tell that robed creeper that you saw me,” I fished in my pocket for some gold coins and placed them in his sweaty palm. “Deal?”

  “Yes, yes, I can do that,” he exclaimed, sniffing the gold and biting one coin so eagerly that a tooth cracked and fell to the ground. “Good travels, Sirius Sinister.”

  “Good travels, Doorman. Enjoy Florence and stay out of trouble,” I said. I turned toward the trattoria, and Garlic barked low and quickly as we walked. “I know, girl, I know,” I said to her under my breath. “We can trust the Doorman right up until the time when the mystery man puts even more gold in those sweaty palms.”

  Knowledge saw the look on my face when I entered the trattoria and made my way to a table laden with melon wrapped with prosciutto, freshly made pasta, and delicious meats and cheeses. She waited patiently for me to talk as I eagerly devoured what was in front of me. But I could not wait, and in between bites, I told her of my encounter with the Doorman, and about the robed figure who was seeking an audience with me. I said I would wait in ambush in the bordello and unmask the mystery man by removing his head from his body, but Knowledge would have nothing of that plan. “You have much studying to do, and thus you do not have time to perpetuate past blood grudges,” she said. I looked at her curiously and saw the barest hint of uncertainty in her eyes.

  “And you want to talk to Justice and Hedley about this,” I said. “Don’t you?” She merely nodded and sipped rather daintily from a glass of wine. When we finished our meal, Garlic padded to the door and scanned the street for any danger. Seeing all was clear, she barked once, and Knowledge and I hurried straight back to the Laurentian Library, saying nary a word.

  I rubbed my eyes and yawned when we entered the Chamber of the Master of Masters. I realized that I had gone without sleep for too long. Knowledge was still troubled by my encounter with the Doorman. I looked to the sleeping chamber. “I need some sleep,” I said. “Care to join me?”

  “I need to see Justice,” she said, removing her shawl and cloak. “But thanks for the offer.” She doffed her laboratory gear and draped it over my head with a giggle. I pulled it off just in time to see her pert, naked behind disappear in midair. “Rest well,” she called through the wormhole. “Tomorrow you learn!”

  I watched the wormhole close shut, and sighed. “Can’t wait,” I said to the empty room. The sun was finally setting out the windows over magnificent Florence. Somewhere out there poor David was not casting quite as big a shadow as he wished. I collapsed in the big round bed and was so tired I did not even bother to get undressed. I felt Garlic curl up next to me and sigh contently. I patted her once, twice, and then slept deeply until the morning.

  Knowledge was not there when I awoke. I glanced outside to see the glory of the sunrise. Before I was confined to learn for who knew how long, I set out to roam the city, and found it to be unseasonably warm. After confirming with a merchant that only one night had passed while I slept, I surmised that time had passed normally in the Chamber of the Master of Masters because Knowledge wasn’t there putting me through my paces. I journeyed all over the cobbled streets of Florence with Garlic trotting along happily beside me. I quickly committed the byways, alleys, piazzas, and gardens to memory, all the while staying on guard for my evil-eyed, robed “friend.” I saw no one and felt nothing, even doubling back on my trail two or three times to ensure I was not being followed. No creature, mortal or immortal, could keep pace with me and stay undetected. There was a reason I was one of the deadliest assassins in the world, or more accurately, used to be. Though if I was honest with myself, I did not miss the killing per se, just the thrill of the chase and the adventure.

  We found ourselves in an amazing garden just behind the Pitti Palace, and sat down to enjoy the remarkably warm December day. Then,
at the same time, Garlic and I heard it, the low rumble of a herd of approaching deer. Or as Garlic and I liked to call them—breakfast. After thinning the herd, we followed a stone path to a shady pond that felt so cool and refreshing Garlic and I decided on an impromptu bath. Knowing I had to return to the library soon, I grimaced, feeling that Knowledge was not going to be happy with me when I returned. It was not like she had told me when she was going to return, and to not go anywhere. What did I have to fear here in Florence, other than the ramblings of the simpleton Doorman, who had managed to get himself banished from Hell? Perhaps he was mistaken, and the robed creeper did not even exist.

  Garlic barked once, looking down the path as faint female giggles caught my ear. I reluctantly exited the pond, reaching for my clothes as Garlic shook the water from her coat. And there I stood in all my glory as a gaggle of noble ladies came walking up the stone path and stopped all in a titter as they saw me. One turned her head and shrieked, while two others put their hands over their eyes—staring at me all the same. The noblewoman leading them merely smiled at me coyly and fanned herself, looking me up and down. Eat your heart out, David, I thought, breaking into a naked vampire run—it was about time the ladies of Florence enjoyed some really exquisite proportions!

  I arrived back at the Chamber of the Master of Masters and found a rather hot and bothered Knowledge, but unfortunately not in the way I preferred. “Where were you?” she said, folding her arms across her chest.

  She wore a long, billowy light-blue cotton dress that was open at the back so her iridescent wings glinted as she moved, and her rainbow tresses fell down past her bare shoulders. I decided she was resplendently gorgeous in whatever she chose to wear, or not wear, as the case may be. “Out to enjoy the day,” I said innocently, flicking a stray bit of lily pad from my forearm. “You know, grab and kill a little breakfast, make some new acquaintances, see the city—that kind of thing.”

  “You should not have left the chamber,” she scolded. “At least not until I had a chance to talk to Justice and Hedley.”

  I folded my arms across my chest, mocking her, and smiled wide. “One, you never said not to go anywhere when you left last night. Two, it makes perfect sense for me to learn the city like the back of my hand. Three, there are very few things in this world that are actually a threat to a vampire assassin like me—and four, I doubt any of those things are in Florence!”

  She opened her mouth to retort but then paused, considering my argument for a moment. “You make good points,” she said. “I guess there is a quick-thinking brain in that swollen head of yours after all.”

  “See?” I said, looking to Garlic. “Even Knowledge does not know everything. She may know books and laboratories—but I know life.”

  Fortunately, Knowledge found that amusing and smacked me playfully on the arm. “Well done, Sirius,” she said, showing me her delightful smile and a bit of the fun personality I remembered from long ago in Justice’s office. What had changed this bookworm from naughty legal clerk to stern taskmaster? “There is hope for you yet,” she finished. And there was my answer—Justice and Hedley knew far more than they were letting on about the Blood of the One and my role in it. I nodded—I was guessing Knowledge knew it too.

  “What did Justice and Hedley say about the mysterious robed one looking for me here in Florence? Do we need to stop our studies?”

  “They said they are looking into it,” she answered. “And no, we are not stopping anything. In fact we are just beginning. They just want you to be careful when you venture out, and of course, don’t get into any trouble.”

  I nodded. “They have no idea who that guy is, do they?”

  “You are correct,” she said. “Well deduced. Now we begin, and with any luck, the robed one will have moved on from here to search for you elsewhere in the world. Are you ready?”

  I stared up at the walls and saw more books than I could ever count, let alone read! “Ready as I will ever be,” I said. How was I going to make my way through all of those?

  Knowledge waved her hands in the air, and books leaped off their shelf perches and flew down through the air, pages flapping like paper wings, flittering around us in a circle before piling themselves neatly on a table. “You, of course, know the basics,” she said. “Let us start in your mother tongue of Spanish with a book that I think you will find very attractive.”

  She went to the pile of books and pulled one out, rubbing its raised golden spine lovingly as she caressed the soft embossed gold leaf cover. She whispered to it so softly even my sharp ears could not tell what she said, and placed it in front of me. I stared at the cover and could see words in a dark red script form on the gold. “Conquests of the Vampire—An Erotic Tale,” Knowledge said with a smile. I gently flipped open the cover and was instantly disappointed it wasn’t illustrated but appreciated that it was written in blood.

  And so it began. I found myself devouring word after word, sentence after sentence, and ultimately book after book. It was almost like I could not get enough words into my brain. I knew well the feeling of thirsting for, and, oh, so wanting Knowledge. But now I did not even look at her. I did not want to eat, or sleep, or do anything, but drink up as much knowledge as I could. I do not know how long it took, or how many books I read, but English, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Mandarin, Greek, German, Italian, and more met their match in me just as quickly. My subject matters were varied and exciting as history, philosophy, physics, engineering, botany, anatomy, music, astronomy, mathematics, and science were all ingested, and digested, quite happily. After a while, Knowledge raised her arms once again, and all of my new friends flitted around me, their pages caressing me and tousling my hair before they made their way back to nest on the chamber’s shelves. I looked back at Knowledge after watching the last book make its way back to the shelf and saw her holding a new weapon for me to use.

  “The Assyrian scribe Ahiqar first wrote these words,” she said, holding out an ink quill for me to take. “The word is mightier than the sword.”

  “I beg to differ,” I said, patting the sharp blade at my waist.

  “A sword can kill one man, maybe two, in a single blow,” Knowledge said. “But the properly written word can inspire entire nations of people to action.”

  I had never really given that maxim any thought, but she was right. Words gave those without a voice a voice, and kept those in power honest, for it was one thing to hear about injustice, but quite another to see it glaring back at you, demanding attention from a printed page. I reached for the quill and, under Knowledge’s watchful eye, practiced writing in all the world’s languages until my hand was sore. I shook the tightness out of my hand. “Swordplay is not this difficult,” I joked.

  Knowledge said nothing, inspecting what I had scribed with a critical eye. “Well done, Sirius, well done. I believe you have earned a break.”

  I stared out the window and saw the sun high in the sky. “How long have we been in here?” I asked, curious to know how much time had elapsed.

  She pursed those soft wet lips of hers and then smiled broadly. “Actually not that long,” she said. “You really exceeded all my expectations.”

  “And how long is not that long?” I prodded her gently.

  “Out there, it looks like about an hour has passed, but in here it might have been a few years,” she said. “I was expecting us to be here for ten at least.”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I said to her teasing glance. “I am going to take a little walk in the city to stretch my legs, unless you have any objections, of course.”

  “No, go ahead,” she said. “When you return, I am going to give you your final exams and see if you are ready to join Hedley Edrick’s school.”

  “Really,” I exclaimed. “I will be done with you?” She looked sad, seemingly hurt by my comment. “I mean with the studying,” I said, patting her arm lightly. “I am a man of the outd
oors, of travels near and far, and being inside a building even as amazing as this one for so long just does not suit me. But I will never be done with you or your sister, since I hope to always have knowledge and wisdom in my life, and your friendship.”

  She beamed radiantly and gave me a delightful hug, pressing her firm body against mine. Some things you did not need to learn in a book. “Go on,” she said, pulling back from me almost reluctantly and smoothing the wrinkles from her dress. “I will see you when you return. Be safe!”

  “Always,” I said with a wink. “What trouble could I possibly get into? It is Florence—the home of the Renaissance!” She laughed and waved good-bye. I beckoned for Garlic to come, but she merely rolled over and yawned, stretching out on the plush rug in front of the sleeping chamber. My fierce vampire Maltese did not seem to mind being a house dog.

  I wondered if the Doorman was still in town, and journeyed by the bordello, finding that the door was indeed vacant of its doorman. Had the robed creeper departed as well?

  I had my answer when my ears heard the unmistakable whoosh of an arrow being shot from its bow. Instinctively I ducked, and an arrow clattered onto the stones beside me and shattered. I whipped my head around to see whence it came and saw no one. I could see the arrowhead was tipped with some sort of poison, and reached to grab it. But I drew back quickly, smelling the black oozing death it would bring as the stone beneath it began to smolder and wither away. What strange poison was this?

  I heard another whoosh, this time from another direction, and rolled to the ground, frowning as the arrow smashed into pieces harmlessly behind me. A drop of poison hung in the air, seemingly defying gravity before it dropped to the stone with an angry hiss. But this time I had seen my assailant clinging to the eaves of a nearby building, more a vague shadow than anything else, but nonetheless, the chase was on.