Immortal Divorce Court Volume 2: A Sirius Education

by Kirk Zurosky

  “I did not know if this person had more explosives,” Lovely said. “And this strange water suit was helping her swim incredibly fast, so I steered the orca in as close as possible, and leaped to attack, sending the orca and Maria far away. As I jumped, the person turned and fired some sort of spring-loaded spear at me, which I dodged just barely, but it threw me off course, and I overshot my target only succeeding in grabbing the headpiece off the suit.”

  “So you got your target, since it could not breathe underwater, right?” I said.

  “Unfortunately not,” said Lovely. “Two things turned out to be true. One, the breathing balloons were attached to her mouth, so losing the headpiece did not affect her swimming.” Lovely paused for a moment. “And two . . .”

  “And two?” I said. “Get to it, man!”

  “Well, it turns out the kraken from the isle of Sardinia has a great memory for people, because as I reached out to grab the swimmer, I found a tentacle looping around my waist from the abyss. And, well, you know the rest of the story.”

  “So Maria and the orca rescued you from the kraken?” I said.

  “Kind of,” Lovely answered. “They gave me time to open the gate to the classroom, using this little beauty.” He held up a crystal that was iridescent like a pearl.

  Hedley nodded. “I have this whole place magicked and scienced to prevent unauthorized intrusion,” he said. “But everyplace needs a backdoor or two.”

  I stared at the Master of Masters, wondering how many secret entrances and exits there were to the College of Immortals. “You don’t say,” I replied snidely, to which Hedley just frowned at me. Lovely continued his story, ignoring the two of us, or frankly just happy to be alive. “Good thing I have been here before, so I knew right where I wanted to go,” the stout mertroll asserted. “Thanks, Hedley.”

  Hedley took the pearl crystal from Lovely and placed it in a hidden drawer in his desk while Lovely and I sat there silently. I decided that now was the time to ask Lovely about what was going on between him and Mary Grace, but Hedley had other ideas. “Oh no, Sirius—now is most certainly not the time for that discussion,” he replied. “But pray tell, dear Lovely, you never got to the part about how you knew the swimmer was a girl.”

  Lovely began to blush slightly. “For one,” he said. “Her water suit was rather skintight.”

  “You said you thought you were chasing a seal,” I said. “Couldn’t have been that tight to tell a person’s gender.”

  Lovely cleared his throat and turned even redder. “There was no confusing the swell of a woman’s breasts and the curve of her hips with that of a seal, Sirius.”

  “And just how many naked breasts and hips have you seen, young Lovely?” I growled.

  “Sirius,” Hedley said, “not the time . . .”

  “She wasn’t naked,” Lovely sputtered. “And I know the difference between a seal and a woman, particularly a woman built like that!”

  “Well, those better be the last breasts and hips you ogle.”

  “Sirius,” Lovely said. “I have not been with a woman yet. I am waiting until I am married to the one I love.”

  “Thank God for that,” I exclaimed happily. “Wait, what? Married? To whom?”

  “Perhaps Lovely knows the benefit of not thinking with his phallus and listens to his heart instead of his hard,” the Master of Masters retorted. “You know it might have kept you out of trouble every now and again.” I ignored Hedley’s stare.

  “I am in love with Mary Grace,” Lovely said calmly, a dreamy look in his eye.

  “The hell you are!” I exclaimed, rising up out of my chair.

  “Sirius!” Hedley exclaimed. “Give the man a break. You know, at some time your girls will lie down with a man—if they haven’t already. They are adults! Wouldn’t you rather it be with someone as good and honorable as Lovely?”

  “No.”

  Hedley threw his hands up in frustration. Lovely reached into his shirt and pulled out the rubber headpiece. “Oh, I nearly forgot I had this,” he said.

  “Wait a minute, let me see that,” I said, taking the headpiece from him, as something on it had caught my highly trained eye. I pulled a single strand of long white hair from it, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not tear it. I had seen one person only with hair like that, and Lovely’s description of her body sealed my impression. “I think I know who our swimmer is,” I said. “It’s the faerie Thief from the mountains. I am sure of it! But Hedley, you said that she is part of a rival faction of faeries that think Lobsang is too old and out of touch to properly guard the Dagger of Dorje. So what was she doing going after the Font of the Oracle? Just a little out of her league, no pun intended, right?”

  “I don’t know what her motivation was for taking that wild dive,” Hedley said. “For there are others in this world that know of the Blood of the One, and these others are like us in that they fear the Relics are all too vulnerable. She may be among those who fear the Relics should be kept safely in one central location, forever locked away from the unscrupulous and power hungry among the immortals.”

  “And then they would be even more vulnerable,” Lovely stated. “If they are all in one place, then the Relics would be easy pickings for anyone who can break into that place!”

  I thought for a moment. “Unless that place is truly impossible to break into.”

  Lovely snorted. “You are an assassin!” he exclaimed. “Do you believe such a place exists?”

  “Let us just say what I thought possible and not possible has been challenged quite a bit of late,” I said.

  “Indeed,” Hedley said. “But the possessor of the seventh Relic would have to be in on it. I think the Thief is with those who want to preserve the world, not destroy it. And she just happens to be of the mind that we are not going about it the right way. But all the same, we cannot allow her faction to succeed in grabbing all the Relics for disposition in one central location. It would be helpful to know what she plans to do next.”

  “And just how are we going to do that?” I asked.

  “Oh, she will try again—that I can tell you,” Hedley said. “But this time, you and your team will be there to stop her, capture her, and bring her here for questioning. The trick is going to be trying to figure out just which Relic she is going to try and steal next.”

  “Indeed,” I said. “I think we are going to need more than just one team. And another thing, under what guise are we going to be roaming the world?”

  “The perfect disguise to keep our mission quiet among the immortals, and also one which would not draw the attention of the mortals,” Hedley said with a wide smile. “Why, sending teachers on field studies abroad all in the name of education, of course!”

  “Good,” I said. “Maybe that will spare us from the attacks of creepers using that nasty black poison as well. You know I can still smell that stuff. Have you ever figured out where that poison came from?”

  “No,” Hedley said. “I have not—yet. But my preliminary research indicates it comes from a very ancient and very evil creature.”

  “Wait a minute,” I gasped. “There is something in this world older than you?”

  “Yes,” Hedley said. “A basilisk.”

  “What?” I said, sinking back into my seat. “I thought those cockerel-headed lizards had been hunted to extinction centuries ago.”

  “They were, and they are, or at least I thought they were,” Hedley said. “I was among the hunters that dispatched the last one.”

  “Well, that cannot be good,” Lovely stated. “If you killed the last one, then how was that poison that almost killed my future father-in-law made?”

  I had to smile. The reality was that Lovely was a really good guy with one heck of a sense of humor, and unlimited testicular fortitude. “My wanna-be but never going to happen son-in-law makes a good point,” I said. “And you don’t
know the answer to his question, do you?”

  Hedley shook his head. He was not used to not knowing the answer to everything and anything. And this most deadly conundrum was going to drive him crazy if he didn’t figure it out. “There is no way we missed one,” he said. “Basilisks were a danger to immortals and mortals alike. It did not discriminate among its victims. It can’t be alive, it just can’t.”

  “You never tested the poison, because I threw it into the Arno,” I said. “Maybe it is something else entirely.”

  “Maybe,” Hedley said. “But maybe I am right after all.”

  The bell rang for the next class I was due to teach. “Well, the answer is apparently with the same person that will stop at nothing to create the Blood of the One. Now come on, let us go.” I led Lovely by his elbow out of Hedley’s office. “Now then, my good man, let’s have a little talk on the way to class, shall we?”

  Chapter 8

  It took only a few days to settle in to a routine of teaching inexperienced immortals all the ways I knew to stay, well, immortal, and also taking care of Maria, who was quite precocious. I enjoyed taking care of her, making sure I had my lesson plans complete, and going to my meetings with Hedley, where we digested information he had garnered from around the world as to the next Relic that might possibly be in jeopardy from the prying fingers of the Thief. I also relished the time I spent with Contessa, Adelaide, Beatrice, and even Mary Grace.

  After a while—and a short demonstration in hand-to-hand combat with poor Glastonbury as the “crazed attacker” that left the young men in the class subconsciously guarding their family inheritances—my daughters began to serve as my de facto teacher’s assistants. Even Martin was developing a healthy respect for women, his long flowing hair suffering a few well-timed cuts from Contessa’s able blade during fencing lessons. I saw his rage flare up as he held some of his flaxen locks in his hand shaking with anger, until I reminded him that next time, instead of his hair, it could be his eyes, ears, heart, or manhood. He swallowed his pride quickly that day, and the snickers of his classmates quickly faded to the silence of self-preservation as Contessa whirled to face the class with her sword held high, and asked for another manly volunteer.

  Hedley had hinted to me that I would soon be dispatched on missions to thwart the Thief, and my girls would thus stand in for me while I was gone. To my chagrin and Mary Grace’s utter glee, Lovely soon found himself as the teacher’s assistant for Arthur von Doyle, the troll who taught engineering. I had hoped Lovely would have left the college after delivering my Maria to me, but I was mistaken. I cringed as I came around a corner on my way to the faculty lounge and found Mary Grace pressing Lovely up against the wall.

  “Excuse me, Lovely,” I said, tapping my foot loudly. “May I have a word with you once Mary Grace is done with your lips?”

  Lovely pushed Mary Grace away so hard and quickly that she fell back and landed on her rump. “What the . . . ?” she exploded, but then saw Lovely pointing in my direction. She rose to her feet and dusted off her bruised backside. “Father, you need to get a bell, or something,” she said, walking off in a snit. Normally, I would have joked to any other couple in the world, which did not include any of my daughters, to get a room, but that was the last thing I wanted these two eager lovebirds to do. I would not be able to clip their wings for much longer. I sighed. When I was Lovely’s age, I had been with many, many, many a girl, and I was none the worse for wear. At least that was what I was going to keep telling myself.

  “Sir,” Lovely said as he approached, gallantly wiping my daughter’s spit off of his face. “Are you in need of me?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Send word to your father at the House of Indigo and see if he is up to joining me for a little adventure.”

  “I will,” Lovely said, running off to find an annoyed and hopefully sullen Mary Grace.

  I walked up to the round stone door of the faculty lounge and patted the black dog guarding the left side of the door on the head, staring deep into its glowing red eyes. I pulled a rod of iron from my pocket. “You want to play fetch, boy?” I said. “Come on, you know you do.”

  “Welcome, Sirius Sinister, Instructor in Immortal Self-Defense,” the other black dog sitting on the right yelped. “You may pass, and may you be forever the hunter and not the hunted.”

  I dodged a string of steaming green drool that threatened to burn a hole in my boot. “Sometimes,” I said, “it is hard to know the difference.”

  The dog in front of me fixed its eyes upon me, and I swear I could see all the way down to the Lady of the Underworld’s realm. “Indeed, Sirius Sinister,” it howled, “you would do well to remember that.”

  “Aye,” I said, and pulled open the round stone door and entered the faculty lounge. There was but one remaining seat at the round wooden table, and gone were the goblets of wine and the feast from last time. The previously drunk and in mourning Patrick had a stern look painted on his face, and nary a rude joke on his lips. Hedley was standing with his arms folded across his chest, and I felt like a student running late for one of my classes, and quickly took my spot between Breeze and Arthur. I inhaled deeply, feeling unusually nervous as I sat, inadvertently turning in Breeze’s direction and getting a pleasant whiff of her perfume, and a very revealing look down her dress at her cleavage, which she noticed with a wry smile as did her husband, whose cross face got even crosser if that was possible.

  “Now then, faculty of the College of Immortals,” Hedley said. “Word has come to me from my sources around the world that there are evil forces at work that are actively trying to steal one of the Seven Sacred Relics.”

  “Oh, that is awful,” the Professor exclaimed with as much emotion as she could muster, which amounted to a slight inflection in her voice, noticeable only to my sharp vampire ears. “For what nefarious purpose?” she droned. She was boring with a capital B. I felt bad for her students.

  Hedley looked around the table at his faculty, making deliberate eye contact with each and every one of us. I noticed that the bloated boor, Braddock, quickly looked away when Hedley stared at him, and I decided instantly that he was not to be trusted. “Indeed, the machinations of evil are a mystery even to all of this assembled intellectual fortitude,” Hedley announced. “So I have decided to form you into teams to venture forth in the guise of doing field studies. That way we can explore the leads my sources have found in an effort to find the one, or ones, responsible for the recent theft attempts on the Relics.”

  “But Master of Masters,” Arthur said, looking like he was about to be sick. “We are educators not adventurers, with the exception of Sirius Sinister, of course. I heard about the mystery poison. No offense to Templeton, but he and I aren’t exactly fit for that kind of duty.”

  “None taken, Arthur,” the fat goblin said, shifting in his seat on Breeze’s other side, and passing a foul-smelling breakage of wind as he did so. “The generous troll of engineering has got a point. What are he and I really capable of doing? We are better off staying here and doing research, leaving those better fit to do the legwork.” He finished and looked very pleased with his rationale for staying put at the College of Immortals. So did Hedley, which may have meant he had expected this response from these two monuments to gluttony.

  The Teacher of Teachers put on an exquisite performance of pacing back and forth, like he was pondering what the two men had said, as if it was something he had never considered. “Well, it probably does make sense not to have all our teachers away at once,” he said. “And it could get pretty physical out there in the real world.” The greasy, gray goblin and portly troll exchanged victorious glances. “Now then, who shall I team up together?” Hedley wondered out loud. I grinned and looked down, as I knew he already had the answer to the question.

  “Hopkins, you and Miss Sop work extremely well together, but you are going to need some protection,” Hedley said. I waited to hear my name called
to join them, wondering why Hedley wanted me with that diminutive pair of runt werewolf and brownie.

  From his hat, Patrick pulled out the largest gun I had ever seen. “I got the Luck of the Irish, here,” he said with a grin. “And we all know what a crack shot I am with this beauty.” The gun was very nearly as big as Patrick, but he was waving it around like it was as light as a proverbial rainbow. Science or magic? Magic or science? Was there even a difference? “I will go with ole Hop and Sop,” he announced.

  “That is perfect,” Hedley said. “Thank you for volunteering, Patrick.”

  Arthur lumbered out alone. Patrick and Hopkins followed, already in midargument about who really was the “leader” of their team. Miss Sop walked behind them rather unconcerned with their squabble. She contented herself with scribbling equations steadily on a notepad. I had a funny feeling I knew who the leader of that team would end up being.

  “That means Sirius Sinister is teamed with the Professor and Breeze.” Hedley looked at the two ladies to gauge their reaction, and seeing none, continued to speak. “And so it is settled, you three leave on your first mission—I mean field study—tomorrow.”

  Teaming up with the elf I wanted on myself was going to be good fun, and seeing her horrible husband turn various shades of purple as he stormed from the faculty lounge was better than any theater. I matched weak smiles and dead-fish handshakes with the Professor as she bid me adieu until the morning. With her husband gone, Breeze took my hand after the Professor had released it, and pressed it warmly, holding it noticeably longer than was appropriate. “I was hoping I would get to work with you,” she said. “Hopefully, the Professor will not get in our way.”

  “I am sure the Professor will be a great addition to our field study group,” I said politely.

  “That is not what I am talking about,” Breeze said breathily, now fully in my personal space. Damn, she smelled so good, like a meadow on a sunny spring day after the rains have cleared, and the first bloom of the growing season has thrusted firmly through the warm earth, so fertile and so inviting. I wanted to thrust my bloom through her warm—“Did I mention I have a twin sister?” Breeze cooed. And with that juicy little nugget, she turned and left the faculty lounge.