Immortal Divorce Court Volume 2: A Sirius Education

by Kirk Zurosky

  I thought for a moment. “Yes,” I said. “I believe you are. Why?”

  “Just like I can now say I used Halley’s diving bell,” the Professor said, “I can also say I locked lips mermaid-style with Sirius Sinister. Something only the beautiful Queen of the merfolk has done!”

  “Those who have locked lips with me are not an exclusive group, you know.”

  “Well, the water thing was,” she said. “Only the Queen and me. How exciting is that?”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “Nope,” she said, pulling my arm for emphasis. “Life is about experiences. And you know if the Queen knew about what we just did, she would not be happy.”

  “We are divorced!”

  She shrugged. “That doesn’t matter.”

  “I was saving your life,” I protested.

  “Still doesn’t matter,” she said. “I hear what you are saying, and I am not trying to suggest anything—since you know, we work together—but from a completely scientific perspective I felt your firmness.”

  “You are mistaken,” I said, pointing to my legs. “Must have been a leg muscle.”

  “Well, it moved,” she said, crossing her arms.

  “Oh,” I said nonchalantly. “River eel then.”

  She stopped suddenly. “I am a scientist and a scholar, and rest assured that even I know the difference between a cock and an eel, Sinister!”

  I spun her toward me, shocked at this emerging side of the Professor. It seemed all it took to douse the prude out of her was a dunk in the Thames. “You are the one that kissed me, remember? Not very academic of you was it? Not to forget, but you did so all wet and rubbing up on me half naked,” I retorted. “The only reason it moved was a purely biological response, nothing more.”

  “Maybe it was an eel after all,” the Professor mused. “Because what I felt poking into me couldn’t possibly belong to you.”

  I ignored her. “For the record, that happened after I saved your ungrateful life,” I said. “You know, after taking you through the water by the only means possible to save you. Not very grateful, are you?”

  “No, I am grateful,” the Professor said. She held up one hand for emphasis. “Just not in the way of one of your tavern trollops—but really grateful all the same. And I am also grateful for my underwater kissing lesson.”

  I sighed and shivered, happy to see the inn’s door up ahead. “It seems I am the one always learning lessons from women.”

  “Why, Sirius,” the Professor said, “that is just the natural order of things. Now then, how about some delicious pea soup?”

  I took one long last look at her hair that was soon going to revert to its usually ratty self, complete with vegetables and other foodstuffs in it. “Sounds great,” I said. And it actually was. As was the warm baths that followed for the Professor and me, each alone in our separate but adjacent rooms. I thought about her bathing right next door, taking care of her needs while thinking of me, so I joined her in taking care of mine while thinking of her. The next morning I was so damn distracted by my thoughts as I rode ahead of the Professor’s coach back to Oxford that I cussed like a sailor when I had to double back and return to London to pick up Hedley’s blasted goat sausage.

  When I arrived back at the College of Immortals, I saw that the Professor’s coach had already arrived. The next faculty meeting would surely be interesting. But what had happened under the docks in London? Other than, of course, Mary Grace and Maria being one hundred percent right—women, even the Professor, were indeed more slippery than eels!

  I got to my quarters and saw that all the girls were still sitting in pretty much the same spots as I had left them. The weird mechanisms of time that governed the college were a bit unnerving at times. “Did you go to London yet, Father?” Contessa asked.

  Maria sniffed the air. “You were all wet, Father,” she said. “Did you fall in the Thames?”

  “Something like that,” I said. “But the Professor got to go in the diving bell, so I accomplished my mission.”

  Adelaide came over and felt my shirt, plucking a bit of river grass off it. “No offense, Father, but you still stink of that awful river.”

  “I did take a bath,” I said. “But the shirt . . . well not so much.”

  Beatrice nodded. “It is time to retire that shirt.”

  Mary Grace was looking at me curiously. “So how did you end up in the Thames, Father?”

  “I sense a good story here,” piped in Contessa. “And please tell me the Professor got a much-needed bath!”

  “Yeah, did she get wet?” Maria asked.

  I ignored the smirk creasing Mary Grace’s face. How in the hell did Mary Grace sense something had happened? “Indeed, she did,” I said. “Some of Halley’s men did not take to our little intrusion kindly, so a little swim to escape was necessary.”

  “With all those billowy blousy things she wears, how did the Professor manage that?” Adelaide said. Mary Grace gave her a knowing look. Contessa began shaking, trying to hold in her laughter. Maria looked from one of her sisters to the other, trying to figure out what was so funny.

  Beatrice looked at Adelaide. “Petticoats,” she said. “Or least I hope so, Father.”

  “You girls are impossible,” I said. “I didn’t mention the bullets flying through the air aimed at your dear old dad, did I?”

  “Was there an eel in the water?” Maria asked.

  “Let’s hope not,” burst out Mary Grace as they all began laughing so hard tears rolled down their eyes.

  I looked at a confused Maria and kissed her on the cheek. “I did not see one,” I said.

  “Did the Professor?” More laughter ensued.

  “No sweetheart, she did not,” I said. “I am going to take this goat sausage to Hedley. I will be back a little later for dinner.” And with that, I shut the door to my quarters and went over in my head all the things that Cabernet, and then Portimus, had told me. Hedley had not necessarily lied outright to me. He had merely neglected to tell me the whole truth, and I wanted to know why.

  I rapped my knuckles on Hedley’s door and heard him grumble at me to enter. Hedley was sitting cross-legged on the floor with Norville the rat mirroring him. They were engaged in what looked to be some sort of card game. The cards they had were respectively man- and rat-sized. Garlic yawned and stretched and came over to greet me, putting her paws on my leg. An odor that did not belong in England came to my nose. I leaned down and sniffed her. Rubbing her fine white hair, I said, “Why do you smell of bacalhau and piri-piri? Have you been to Lisbon, my dear dog?” She did not reply with a bark, yelp, or growl, but merely turned her head to look at Hedley. I peered at Norville, who was smiling, and noticed a large pile of gold next to him.

  “Where has Garlic been, Master of Masters?” I asked.

  “Beginner’s luck,” Hedley said, finally looking up at me. He had not even heard me addressing him. “Oh, you have the goat sausage. Just put it on the desk, and you can go. Norville and I are in the middle of some important business.” He looked back down at his cards, studying them intently.

  “Gambling is always important business,” I said. “But I have some news for you that came at great cost.” Where Garlic had been could certainly wait, even though I was curious as to why she had been in Portugal, or why all of a sudden the kitchen at the College of Immortals was serving Portuguese food.

  “Well, if you are going to tell me you had relations with a faculty member, I don’t want to hear about it,” Hedley said. “And no, that will not cost you your job. Tell me, are the breasts impressive enough to balance out the wild hair and utter weirdness? I have been convinced for about the last century that the Professor’s got a lot going on under those tents—I mean dresses.”

  “Hedley, can you give me just a minute?”

  I looked at his desk and saw a bevy of empty cordial
glasses on it. Hedley had been sampling his tequila. A lot.

  He waved a dismissive hand, and dropped a card in the pile. “I don’t need to hear about your erotic exploits, Sirius. Sometimes I think you are bragging, you know. Just because you bedded Persephone, you don’t need to let it go to your head. So to speak that is.”

  “Listen up, Master of Masters,” I spurted out loudly. “Kunchen shot Cabernet with a basilisk poison–tipped arrow, and were it not for your old chum Portimus, he would be dead—well actually he is more dead than alive. Well you know that, too, since Portimus did not have the blood of the Sacrificial Lamb—just like you and Justice didn’t when you tried to save Gulth Scorn!”

  Norville and Hedley were now paying me full attention. I had never seen a rat look scared, but Norville certainly seemed to. He began furiously trying to scrape all the gold on the floor into his pockets. But to his dismay, he didn’t have any pockets. Hedley dropped all his cards on the floor. “Norville,” he said, gesturing. He looked back to me as Norville stood reluctantly and did his little dance. “Fine. If you want, we can talk,” he said, belching loudly. The Master of Masters was obviously feeling no pain. I was unnerved and amused all at once. “You want some answers—well, come on,” he said, burping once more.

  I followed Hedley through the wall and past the vaults of knowledge and found myself sitting in front of the tequila-addled Master’s desk. Hedley sat and leaned back, rubbing his eyes. “All this saving the world stuff grows wearisome every once in a while,” he said, whether to me or himself, I did not know. “Maybe it is time to call in the celestial cavalry.”

  Perhaps Hedley’s little run-in with the decanter of tequila was going to serve me well. “A demon calling on angels for help,” I muttered. “Who knew?”

  Hedley snickered, then said, “She is no angel, but I cannot comment any further. Oh, that is funny, and dare I say even a bit ironic.”

  I leaned forward determined to get the Master of Masters to spill more than just tequila. “Why didn’t you tell me about the blood of the Sacrificial Lamb?”

  Hedley shrugged. “Well for one,” he said, “it has never saved anyone from a basilisk’s poison. It is just a theory. An old wives’ tale. A legend. A myth, even—”

  “A myth that has inadvertently created the greatest scourge the world has ever known,” I said, staring him right in the eyes.

  Hedley met my gaze. “Well, there is that,” he said. “We meant well, trying to save our brother.”

  “What?” I exclaimed. I could not believe my ears. “Do you mean brother as in comrade, compatriot, and dear old chum? Or do you mean—”

  “I mean, my dear old demon of a father was as free with his phallus as you are,” Hedley said. “Scorn is the half brother to both Justice and me. So what of it?”

  “Don’t you think that was something important to tell me?” I yelled angrily. “What is he, the holder of the seventh Relic?”

  Hedley went back to rubbing his eyes for a moment and sighed deeply. “Would knowing that he and I are kin change anything that we are doing?” he said. “Don’t you think if that megalomaniac was the seventh Relic holder he would have played that card already? We have to stop Gulth Scorn from creating the Blood of the One and trying to rid this earth of all humanity. He and I sharing a sire, that is really quite irrelevant you know.”

  “Is that why you are trying to save the earth?” I said. “Or are you motivated by the guilt that not only could you not save your brother, but that you also made him into the horrible monster he has grown into today!”

  Hedley’s gaze went from cool to icy. The Teacher of Teachers found the truth to be sobering. “Well that was a little harsh,” he said. “When you have lived as long as I have, yes, even the Master of Masters and the Teacher of Teachers has regrets—some big, some small, and some that have changed the course of human history. Yes, things did not go so well that day on the beach. Yes, in retrospect, using the shark blood was a horribly bad decision. But what else could we do? Just let him die? Would you just stand there doing nothing and let one of your friends like Jova or Harvis die? Or your daughters? I don’t think so, Sinister. And what difference does it make why I am trying to stop him? My actions are going to be the same. I am going to do what I have to do, which is what I always do!”

  “Are you, Hedley?” I said. “Are you really? Because we all know when a battle is so damn personal that the pure raw emotion of it is so strong that even one as wise as yourself can suffer from clouded judgment. And that, dear Master of Masters, is why I beg of you to not keep information from me. If we are truly in this together, then let’s act like it.”

  Hedley smiled and nodded to himself, his eyes looking clear once again. “Fair enough, young champion of the world,” he said, fully gaining his composure. “I see I chose well.”

  “You didn’t choose me,” I corrected him. “The universe did, and you are just lucky that I chose to join you. Now, would you like to hear about your nephew, Martin, the Immortal Divorce Court’s latest lawyer?”

  “Oh, that is not good.” Hedley grimaced. “Not good at all! Just what I needed, another bloodsucker in the family. No offense to you, of course.” He was silent for a moment, and just when I was about to ask him why he had apparently sent Garlic to Portugal, off he rambled again. “That’s it,” he screamed. “That’s bloody it! That is how Scorn aims to get some Relics in his possession, the old-fashioned way. He is going after our weakest link and strongest asset all at once. So brilliant and so simple . . .”

  “And pray tell, what is that?”

  “Your libido,” Hedley said. “You are bound to knock someone up in the next decade or two. You just can’t help yourself! And when they swoop in for child support, the Blade of Truth will be Scorn’s once more.”

  “Hey,” I said. “That is not fair. I am not married, and I certainly haven’t fathered any children recently.”

  “Bed a wench in London?” Hedley queried.

  “Well, sort of,” I said. “She just made love to me with her mouth. Wait, why I am telling you this? And why does that matter? She was a mortal.”

  Hedley thought for a moment. “You know that might be our saving grace.”

  “What,” I said, “me partaking of mortals?”

  “Indeed,” Hedley said. “Only immortals have the jurisdiction to bring a claim in Immortal Divorce Court. Even mortal women who have been impregnated by an immortal man cannot sue in our courts.”

  “Why is that?” I asked. “Not that I have any reason to need to know, mind you.”

  “Old customs die hard,” Hedley said. “And frankly I think they put that law in long ago, because the mortals kept dying before their court dates would come up. And you know there is nothing lawyers hate more than a lack of judicial efficiency.”

  “I think it is because that motley lot is more money hungry than a horde of goblins,” I said. “They probably got sick and tired of trying to collect their fees from a bunch of corpses. So your worries are over. I will just plow the field with mortal mares from here on in.”

  “I wish I could be satisfied that will indeed be the case,” Hedley said, looking quite troubled. “You would have bent over the Professor and given her a lesson or two had the opportunity arose? Yes?”

  “No,” I said. “Definitely no.” The Professor’s frame was pretty darn enticing. Even more so because it was such a surprise to see what she had going on under her petticoats. And when we kissed, well, that could have been the start of something. But nothing happened, in part because the Professor was so odd. “Well, I don’t know.”

  “I am just telling you to be careful whom you bed,” Hedley pleaded. “You know your record with this is not so good.”

  “I have aged,” I said. “I am more worldly. Mature even.”

  “Yes, you have aged like a fine wine,” Hedley agreed. “A fine wine that the world’s immortal
women seem to love to have inside them. And your power to resist is, shall we say limited at best and nonexistent at worst.”

  “Now you are the one being harsh, and dare I say a bit jealous,” I said. “I don’t bed every immortal woman I cross paths with, you know.”

  Hedley raised an eyebrow. “I am not jealous. I am simply right,” he said. “You do not bed every one, just the beautiful ones. By the way, you are not still looking for so-called true love, are you? Because let me tell you, I have been on this earth a hell of a lot longer than you, and I can tell you that your quest for true love is nothing more than sheer folly.”

  “Maybe you never found anyone to have a relationship with because there is no room left in the bed since your gigantic ego is taking up all the space,” I retorted. “What do you think of that?”

  Hedley laughed. “I think that was quite funny,” he said. “All joking aside, Sinister, there is nothing wrong with my ego. It is the only thing that has kept calamity and chaos from taking over the world so far.”

  “Well then, let me be the first to say that the world might also be brought down by the irrepressible ego of the Master of Masters, Hedley Edrick,” I said with a grin.

  “And lest we not forget, so also the world may suffer unspeakable agony because of the wayward, indiscriminate cock of the master assassin, Sirius Sinister,” Hedley retorted.

  I stood and held out my hand. “Okay then,” I said. “Good meeting.” I clasped his hand warmly, feeling oddly better at the human foibles Hedley Edrick had just demonstrated. “Let’s go protect some Relics.” Garlic hopped up on my lap, and I could not help but notice a bit of codfish behind her ear. I plucked it out of her hair and fed it to her. “All right, Master of Masters, I meant what I said about not holding anything back,” I said. “Why does my dear pooch have bacalhau behind her ears? Why did you send her to Portugal?”

  “Oh right,” Hedley said. “I did not get the chance to tell you since you came in and got all emotional on me. I am just thankful you stuck out your hand just now for a proper shake and did not want to have an uncomfortable man hug with me.”