His Kiss

by Melanie Marks

  The next day I broke up with him.

  ***

  The next few weeks were horrible and black and involved a lot of me curled up in a ball crying. The thing was, I was confused. And hurt. Confused by my feelings. Hurt that my so-called boyfriend (or ex now) had the hots for some other girl.

  Though Aiden would text me time and time again saying things like, “I miss you, Ally,” and “Just talk to me, Ally,” I would never text him back. I was waiting (hoping) for something bigger. Something he would do or say to convince me I had made a mistake, something to reassure me that we were still right for each other. Something. Something to help me feel confident in our relationship again and help me believe we still belonged together. I needed that.

  I was waiting for it … but it never came.

  Then one horrible Monday I rounded the corner heading to Biology but stopped dead in my tracks. There was Aiden up ahead at his locker—holding hands with Fiona.

  Everything inside me died. I couldn’t move or breathe.

  Aiden must have felt my eyes on him because he looked up at me as he was smiling and talking. His eyes turned pained and he winced, dropping Fiona’s hand like it was on fire. Fiona noticed. She turned her attention from her friends to give Aiden a bewildered look. Then her eyes followed his gaze to me standing there in the hallway watching them.

  Seeing them together my heart shriveled. Everything inside me died, right there at Aiden’s locker. Everything. It hurt so bad.

  And then! As though I was the problem—Fiona glared at me. She glared at me! She squinted her eyes, then she put her arm through Aiden’s and snuggled up to him. Aiden looked tense and uncomfortable as she did it, his eyes cutting to me, but he didn’t push her away.

  That finally got me moving. I ran to the girls’ bathroom and hung out in a stall trying to breathe and not cry. But it didn’t work. I missed most of second period because I was bawling my eyes out.

  Then later that day while I was in French class trying to listen to Miss Feefee and not think about my boyfriend actually now being my ex-boyfriend I got a text from Aiden.

  It said, Look, what did you expect, Ally? You won’t even talk to me.

  I didn’t answer his text. Instead I messed with my eyes, wiping at them over and over. They kept pooling up but I kept shoving the huge tears away before they could spill down my face.

  Only …

  I wouldn’t have answered Aiden’s text anyway, even if I wasn’t busy trying to block my emotions and keep from bawling again. I didn’t answer because there was no way I could. I didn’t know what I expected of him. I had no clue. I just kept hoping he would somehow woo me back. Even now I still hoped that. But it was dumb. I knew that. I didn’t want a boyfriend that was all into another girl. And he was. So …

  Ache. Pain.

  But the confusing thing was: I was kind of into another guy. Sort of.

  Only, I didn’t want to be. At all. It was so dumb—having a “thing” for The Griff. Stupid. Okay, Destiny had a huge thing for him. But she was into tough guys. He was her “type.” Sort of. Not really though. She didn’t actually date anyone. Ever. She just lusted after them … from afar. But she talked a good game, always saying stuff like, “If I ever got the chance I would jump on The Grief Master and smooch those soft-pillow lips of his until I couldn’t breathe.”

  She was always saying stuff like that. It was funny, though I did have to admit although Griffin was all tough and “kill them!” on the hockey rink, so incredibly rough and scary, his lips were gorgeous and silky soft—like fluffy pillows.

  And his kisses had been so gentle and sweet and Mmmmm.

  Ugh!

  Ugh, ugh ugh!

  I didn’t want to think about them—Griffin’s kisses.

  I didn’t want to think about Griffin.

  It was totally all Aiden’s fault that I was suddenly a puddle over The Griff. Totally. Pretty much. If he hadn’t gone into that closet with Fiona I would have never, ever, ever gone in there with Griffin.

  But now, as it was … I was a mess. Aching and yearning for a guy that was all wrong for me. It was pathetic and hopeless and made me feel stupid.

  So, I totally tried to stay away from Griffin, though that plan sucked and hurt kind of bad since I had a major crush on him and ached to see him every minute of the day. Still, it was cake to avoid him since I didn’t have any classes with him. But I would see him around school sometimes, usually with a skanky girl or two.

  Whenever he would catch me watching him he would give me a slow grin, like he found my crush on him entertaining, and whenever we would pass in the school halls he would call me his, “Three minutes in Heaven.”

  Little did he know he really was mine. Only yeah, okay, he probably did know. The way he grinned at me—he totally knew. Ugh!

  But anyway, I tried to be over him. And over Aiden. I decided to like this other guy, Milo, instead. Tried. He seemed right for me. He was in a lot of my honors classes and on a lot of the same school committees as me. He seemed sort of perfect. And safe. Like he couldn’t break my heart since I didn’t really, truly like him, but I figured I could like him “enough.” Enough to get me through my tormented heart, get me through my break-up and my ridiculous crush. Maybe. Hopefully. If I really, really tried. I mean, he was nice and seemed to like me a lot and we had a lot in common.

  Plus, he was in the school play and had a singing part and I was kind of into singers these days since Griffin sang in his hot band. So I kind of smiled at Milo a lot and tried to act interested in him whenever he would talk to me, which he did a lot now ever since Aiden and I broke-up.

  Anyway, it seemed like a good plan—having Milo for a distraction, moving on. At least that’s how I felt … sometimes.

  For the rest of the week I smiled at Milo as though my world was bright and sunny and like he helped make it that way. I smiled, smiled, smiled—while inside I was dying.

  But then that next Friday during lunch hour Milo came and sat in the cafeteria with Destiny, Jazz and me. He never did that before and it was kind of like a huge step—moving from us just chatting together, sort of semi-flirting between classes—to actually eating together.

  I kind of cringed as he slid into the seat beside me though he had on a sweet, little sly smile—like look at me, look what I’m daring to do. It was cute. Only he was sitting in the spot where Aiden used to sit and though, in a way, it was a relief to have someone sitting there—taking Aiden’s spot—it also made my stomach feel like it was full of rocks. Because it wasn’t Aiden in Aiden’s spot and I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to have someone else take it.

  It was confusing. It would have had my friends scratching their heads if they knew, since I’d longed to have someone take Aiden’s spot like Fiona had seemed to take mine.

  So, I was filled with convoluted, mixed emotions. Still, I sat trying to act glad that Milo had joined us unexpectedly. Because all week I had been sending the poor guy signals, confusedly leading him on—like I was ready for this, someone to take Aiden’s spot.

  Unable to eat my lunch due to the rocks in my stomach, I sat frozen trying to listen as Milo was telling me about this concert he was going to next Friday. I was pretty sure he was going to ask me to the concert—pretty sure—so I acted interested in the band, though I wasn’t really. And I felt all anxious and sick and I wasn’t sure if it was just nerves because I hadn’t dated a boy other than Aiden in over two years or if I really just didn’t want to go to the concert with Milo—hang out with him for a whole, entire night. The thought sort of made me depressed and made my heart ache.

  Still I listened to him—or pretended to listen to him—with a fake smile plastered on my face, but inside I was thinking: What do I want?

  I had no idea. Did I want to somehow get back together with Aiden? Did I want to break-up totally forever, so there was no going back? Did I really want to go forward, dating another guy even if I didn’t really even like the other guy?

  What do I wa
nt?

  It just ran through my head, over and over—what do I want?

  What do I want?

  What do I want?

  And then … he walked by.

  Griffin.

  That totally captured my attention—for a second. Got my heart all racing and my palms all sweaty. And I think I might have moaned. I know Destiny did. But I might have too. In any case, for a second that was the only thing in my head—the only thing. That memory of Griffin and me alone in the closet. There was nothing else, not in the whole world. No cafeteria, no anxiety about “spots” or dates. Just Griffin’s gentle warm hands and his hot, seductive mouth.

  It had me panting.

  But then—gasp!—Griffin turned back towards our table, like he could feel my eyes on him.

  Oh!

  My heart ricocheted off my rib cage and I jerked my gaze away from him as though the sight of him repulsed me, though he’d already caught me staring at him all dreamy eyed and hungry. Still, I looked away and refused to look back at him, only it was hard because now I could feel his eyes on me. Still, I tried not to look at him—tried so hard—knowing what I’d see if I looked. Griffin’s amused grin. So I didn’t look. Instead, with my ears flaming and my cheeks hot and flushed, I started talking to Milo a mile a minute in this squeaky high-pitched voice, having no idea what I was even saying, just hoping Griffin could see I wasn’t a dorky fan-girl with a dorky school-girl crush on him—I didn’t even know he was alive, didn’t have a clue, because I was totally, totally into the star of our school play. Totally.

  That’s what I wanted it to look like.

  And I guess it did.

  At least to Aiden.

  I know because right then I got a text from him.

  I clicked open my phone wondering what he had to say. All week he’d been texting me messages like “Lets talk, Ally. Please.” Stuff like that. But when I saw this text, my stomach dropped.

  ‘Cause he’d sent a picture.

  A picture of me, right now, in the cafeteria smiling all red-faced and happy looking at Milo. In the picture, we looked like a close, intimate couple, all into each other and ready to start macking.

  Under the picture Aiden had texted, Really???

  That’s all it said.

  But it made my stomach drop and my heart ache and get all twisty and in a frenzied uproar—more than it already was.

  I swallowed hard, clicking my phone shut as my gaze involuntarily scanned the crowded cafeteria. The first thing I noticed was: Griffin was gone. It gave my heart an unexpected jab of disappointment. Only it was silly. What was I hoping? That he would still be standing there, watching me?

  Stupid!

  I didn’t see Aiden though either, anywhere.

  “You okay?” Milo asked. “Was that bad news?” He gestured his head towards my cell. “You look kind of … sick.”

  “Um, yeah,” I said, all flustered and unable to concentrate on Milo or what he was saying. My eyes kept darting around the cafeteria, the word “Really?” bouncing around in my brain. “Um … yeah, I feel sick,” I said, totally not lying. I got up from the table, clutching my stomach. “I’m going to go to the nurse’s office.”

  Destiny and Jazz were at my heels in a second as I hurried toward the cafeteria exit.

  “What was that about?” Jazz’s voice was kind of like she was scolding me. “Why’d you leave Milo like that?—he was going to ask you out.”

  I breathed out a jittery sigh, then showed her Aiden’s text.

  Jazz made a tsking sound, narrowing her eyes. “What kind of lame game is he playing? Just let him go, Ally. He was at Shondra Livingston’s party Friday night with Fiona. They were totally making-out.”

  I clasped my stomach harder, feeling as though I’d been punched. My heart squeezed with pain. I could barely breathe, yet I had this urge to scream—at Jazz.

  I stared up at her, unable to say anything for fear of crying. Finally, I gave out this tiny little sob. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Jazz’s gaze cut to Destiny, then back at me. “We were just trying to spare you drama—but, Al, he’s not worth it, not anymore. Just cut him loose and move on—to Milo. Milo’s nice.”

  “And cute,” Destiny added.

  “And he definitely likes you.” Jazz made this humph noise that she does when she’s going to state a fact she dares you to deny. “He was staring at you all through lunch like he wanted to gobble you up. And you made him think you liked him too—admit it Ally, all week you’ve been leading him on—smiling and flirting, laughing at his trying-too-hard lame jokes.”

  I bit my lip. It sounded pathetic, but she already knew. “I wanted to like him.”

  Guh!

  I couldn’t really concentrate on this—the conversation, or Milo’s puzzled, hurt eyes that kept darting to me now from across the cafeteria, looking all What’s going on? Why’d you leave when I was going to ask you out? I couldn’t concentrate on that. I was in too much pain, feeling as though I had a knife in my heart. I was bleeding all over the floor.

  Aiden had gone to a party with Fiona? They were making-out? Already? Suddenly, I was all sweaty and shivery and ready to puke. I knew it was stupid, that I should have known—been ready for this kind of news. But I wasn’t. I’d seriously thought we’d somehow get back together.

  I needed to get away—away from my friends and Milo’s eyes and Aiden, wherever he was. I needed to be alone so I could curl up in a tiny, tight ball and cry.

  “Look, go back to Milo,” I whimpered, still clutching my stomach. “He looks sad, sitting there all alone—but I have to go.” I headed towards the exit. “I have to get out of here.”

  I ran out of the cafeteria and into the closest bathroom. It was the same one I had cried in a couple of weeks ago. I locked myself into the exact same stall as before and did my now usual thing—bawled.

  ***

  The next Friday night I went to the concert with Milo. It wasn’t horrible but it was kind of awkward. Before I agreed to go with him I explained that though Aiden and I had officially broken up I wasn’t really ready to officially date yet. So, we went to the concert as “friends.”

  Still, he kissed me on my doorstep at the end of the night. I wasn’t expecting that and it was … awkward. Not awful. But not good. I have no idea what made him think he should make that move.

  I spent the whole rest of the weekend writing long, sad passages in my journal about how horrible it is to break-up with someone—even if you know it is over and for the best. Still, it’s hard. Hard to move on. Hard to see the other person moving on. Because you’d been together so long and it was comfortable and trying to get over that—and find it with someone else, it sucks.

  I wrote tragic poem after tragic poem about it. Then a song that made me cry. Mostly because it made me think of Aiden and that essay he had written before I really knew him and how I’d made a song about it and then we had gotten together and wrote tons of songs—together. Tons of them. Just like the one I was writing now—only now writing it was heartbreaking because I was alone. And it seemed like I might always be alone—not ever find another boy that would like to write songs. I knew I’d been lucky to find Aiden. I always knew that.

  I planned to spend all Sunday night bawling and typing everything that I had written in my “journal notebook” into my computer. (I write everything out with a pen into this ratty, old notebook that I carry around with me at all times, then if what I write seems worth it, later I type it up into a folder I labeled “My Life.” It’s a pretty pathetic folder.)

  Anyway, my plans got axed when my aunt called inviting my mom on a trip with her to Belize—that night. My aunt had won the trip from a game show on TV and she was going to go with her boyfriend, but he ended up backing out at the last minute because he’s a toad. So, though my mom wouldn’t normally up and leave me so unexpectedly—she did. Because my aunt was sad because, you know, her boyfriend is a toad. So, my mom went, but she had my cousin, Kendra, come and stay
with me, since her mom (my aunt) was going to Belize.

  Mom kept saying it would be fun having Kendra over. But I knew it wouldn’t. Kendra is my age and goes to my school, but we don’t have anything in common. Nothing. It’s not like we hate each other. We don’t. We just have nothing to say to each other. Because she’s all Party-Girl and scary and hangs out with people like Hailey—not Hailey, per se, just people like her. Maybe even Hailey. I don’t know. I’m not really up on my cousin.

  But anyway, Kendra came over so I couldn’t do my bawling while I typed my woe-is-me stuff into my computer. Instead, we went to the movies. Kendra’s boyfriend, Seth, works at the movie theater in the mall, so he got us in for free which was good because though Mom gave me fifty bucks before she left, I wanted to keep it as I was saving up for a guitar. I couldn’t actually play one—didn’t know a thing about them, but … I wanted one. I wanted to learn to play.

  Thing was, I wanted to learn forever. Since junior high. But since seeing Griffin play his guitar with his band in the school’s talent show, I suddenly had a renewed interest. Now I wanted to play … bad.

  So, anyway, I was glad I didn’t have to use Mom’s fifty dollars. And I was glad Kendra’s boyfriend had to work so he couldn’t watch the movie with us, ‘cause we ended up watching this movie about a girl that fell in love with this guy and then they finally got together and they were happy for a while and then they started fighting all the time and then he cheated on her and then she broke up with him and then the movie ended. Just like that.

  They were in love and then they fought and then they broke up, the end. It was not a good movie. But it had me bawling. It was embarrassing. Especially because Kendra is so not someone I wanted to bawl in front of—not that I wanted to bawl in front of anyone. But still. When she saw me quietly blubbering at the end of the movie she looked at me like I was nuts. So, I explained to her that Aiden and I broke up and though I didn’t quite love him anymore, I was still sad and hurt and in confused agony.