The Balance of Silence

by S. Reesa Herberth

  Ducks had shoved the pad into a waterproof case that hung from the waist of his swim trunks, and had tossed a towel over his shoulder in imitation of Riv. As they drew farther and farther from the crowds, his hand crept out and caught Riv’s, giving a squeeze.

  It was still there when they crossed the last dune, the sand hot under Riv’s sandaled feet. When Ducks hesitated, glancing between their hands and the group obviously waiting for them next to the water, Riv grinned and swung their joined hands back and forth teasingly. “Unless you’re embarrassed to be seen with me?”

  The emphatic nod was belied by the snicker and the quick press of linked fingers.

  “I would be. But you’re a better man than me.”

  Del was the first one to her feet, beating even his mum. “Finally,” she said accusingly. “How much later can you run today?” The welcoming smile was turned solely on Ducks. “Hi. I was starting to think we weren’t going to get to meet you today. Riv’s been incredibly slow. I could barely drag his ass out of bed this morning.”

  “Del, this is Pryce,” he interrupted.

  She rolled her eyes and raised her voice to talk right over him. “I would never have guessed. Anyway, Pryce, come meet everyone else, since Riv will probably never get around to it.”

  Pushing between them, Del reached for Ducks’ hand, and Riv’s heart lurched. He’d told her about Ducks not liking to be touched, hadn’t he?

  It was only a millisecond, but it seemed like the tableau between the two of them went on for minutes.

  Riv drew a deep breath, meaning to speak, but suddenly Ducks and Del were drawing apart, staring at each 64

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  The Balance of Silence

  other, eyes wide. Ducks’ face was solemn, but he slowly extended his hand to Del, and Riv was pretty sure that he was the only one who saw the slight tremble.

  Hovering protectively, Riv was close on their heels as Del led Ducks towards the rest of the group.

  “Are you okay?” he asked softly, pitching his voice so that only Ducks could hear.

  The slow nod went a long way towards easing Riv’s nervousness, and he ran his hand through the still-spiky blond hair, caressing Ducks’ neck. “If you’re sure. Because that was just…just weird somehow.

  What the hell happened?”

  Ducks shrugged helplessly, jerking his chin towards the pad hanging at his waist.

  “Yeah, later. As long as you’re sure you’re okay.”

  The smile was a lot more reassuring, and Riv tucked the question away for later, when they could talk alone. Or when he could corner Del and get her take on it.

  Riv only felt something wrap around his ankle a second before he was pulled under the water, and he came up thrashing and spluttering. Ducks stood behind him trying to look innocent, his wet hair plastered to his face and the beginnings of a sunburn on the tip of his nose.

  “Rat. See if I bring you to the beach again.” He sniffed in what he hoped was a mildly offended way, huffily slapping the water before he turned and threw himself at Pryce in a full-on assault. It was only as they both hit the water that he thought about what he was doing and flinched, but by then it was too late.

  Ducks didn’t seem to be fighting too hard as they came up again, but he still worried.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—” He was stopped by Pryce laying a finger over his mouth and rolling his eyes, then pressing the advantage of his height and wrapping an arm around Riv. They stood waist deep in the surf, kissing slowly, mouths tasting of brine and each other. It wasn’t the first time they’d paused for this kind of interlude.

  Which was wonderful, and more than he’d imagined Ducks being willing to give, and yet every time they kissed, Terrell’s words wound their way slyly and insidiously through his mind. Self-doubt had been a constant enough companion since the… His mind shied away from it, but murder was the only appropriate word. But this was different. Just as damaging, but in new and inventive ways. Maybe he did have some sort of rescue complex. He had been drawn to Denny, and there was someone who’d certainly fit the bill for needing rescuing.

  A tap on his shoulder pulled him back from the morose thoughts, and he turned to meet Pryce’s questioning look. Riv shrugged ruefully. “Sorry, I’m okay, just thinking.”

  The disbelieving stare was meant to earn a laugh, and it did. “Just because I don’t like to doesn’t mean I can’t, smart-ass. And about something other than sex.”

  This time he got a choked burst of laughter in return, Pryce rolling his eyes and stumbling backwards in the shallow water, clutching his heart. But it did much to lift the guilty weight off Riv’s shoulders, and

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  grinning, he nudged the other man towards the beach. “Now food, that’s another matter entirely. And Mum brought a picnic basket big enough to feed twenty people…”

  They trudged back towards shore, fighting the backwash of sand and water as the tide sucked out around their ankles. Del and Bin were already there, stretched out in the shade of an umbrella and looking disturbingly besotted as they fed each other bits of lunch. If they had noticed that they were the only two on the beach who weren’t partnered off with someone of the same sex, they didn’t seem much fazed by it.

  “Want some fruit?” he asked Ducks, and was answered with a nod. He opened the cooler pack to see what he could find, and pulled out a container full of fruit salad.

  They sat in silence, taking a bite now and then as the waves rolled across sand, until eventually Del looked over and spoke softly. “I can try for you, if you want, but I don’t know what I’ll be able to do. It won’t hurt.”

  Bin’s hand brushed her shoulder and settled at the back of her head, pushing his fingertips into the thick curly mass of her hair in a gesture that Riv had seen a hundred times. It never failed to make him a little happier than he’d been the moment before, if only because the two of them together were so right.

  This time she only relaxed for a second, but she didn’t shake him off as Ducks reached out, fingers extended towards her.

  Although she’d done nothing to earn the attention, suddenly they were surrounded by curious faces.

  Riv’s mum rested her book in her lap as Bird and Marc drifted up from the shoreline, faces inquisitive.

  Del looked up and scowled fiercely. “What are you all staring at, do you think I’m putting on a show?

  I’m not some freak from the circus.” Using their joined hands, she abruptly pulled Ducks to his feet.

  “We weren’t exactly staring…” Riv began lamely, struggling to hold back a grin as Del, straight-backed, marched down the beach, dragging Ducks along in her wake.

  Marc shoved him in the shoulder, snickering. “Yeah, you were. How rude.”

  “Asshole.” Riv started to get to his feet, and then sighed, subsiding. Del’s body language had never been hard to read, and there was no mistaking the back the fuck off message she was relaying now.

  “Let them be,” Bin said complacently. And unnecessarily, as it were. Riv had no intention of following them down the beach. He knew the effort it had cost Del to go through with this. Interrupting would be foolish.

  Riv sighed and unclenched his hands, resting them against his thighs. He was putting a lot of hope into this.

  They returned separately, Del to the circle of Bin’s arms, wiping away the remains of stubborn tears from her cheeks and refusing to talk about it except for a few terse words for Riv. “He’s over the next dune.”

  Riv got to his feet, shooing everyone else away with a minimum of fuss. It wasn’t hard to do once they saw Del curl away. Their captain’s normally gregarious wife seemed a shadow of herself, hiding her 66

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  The Balance of Silence

  face from the sun as Riv scrambled away over the hot sand, bare feet slipping on the dune a couple times in his haste.
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  “Pryce?” He thought he managed to keep the rising paranoia out of his voice fairly well, but maybe his estimation was off. Ducks looked up at him with a tiny, wistful smile, raising a hand to his throat. It hovered there for a second, ghosting over pulse point and voice box, then dropped back as he gave a defeated shake of his head.

  “I’m…sorry doesn’t seem right. I didn’t know if she’d be able to do anything or not.” He sat down gingerly next to a clump of sea grass, pulling a blade loose and picking at it. Pryce wrote something, paused, erased it, and finally sighed and turned the notebook around to face him.

  She said it’s like a wall. She could feel, or see, or whatever, everything that happened, and where I…snapped…but she can’t get past it.

  Riv bit his lower lip, reaching out and gently pulling a bare foot into his lap. His thumbs pressed into the insole, and Ducks gave a small but gratifying groan of approval. There was silence, or as close to it as you were going to get next to the water, gulls and terns crying off in the distance, the tide lapping endlessly at the shore.

  I can’t say yes until I can say yes. I’m sorry, Riv.

  He put himself into the foot rub, looking away from the small writing on the pad and down at the glittering sand between them. It was much, much easier to pretend he didn’t want to pound his fist into it over and over if he just lost himself in the deliberate movement of making someone else feel better. It always had been. Maybe that was part of the problem.

  “I understand.” Anything else he kept back, because he was a shitty liar, and he couldn’t find words that wouldn’t have come out sounding like pleading. Pryce deserved to make his choices and have them respected, and Riv was damn good at letting people make decisions that hurt him.

  I’m sorry. Really, really sorry. The pad was shoved under his line of sight, and Riv made himself look up at Ducks and give him a halfhearted grin.

  “You shouldn’t have to be sorry. I knew…I knew that things might not work out when I came here, and I’m still glad I did it. I hope I haven’t made anything worse.”

  He was startled when Ducks leaned forward and grabbed him by the neck, pulling their foreheads together with a thump that made him grit his teeth. He looked into the eyes that were locked on his, and was surprised by their fierceness. The small shake of Pryce’s head was the definitive no on the subject, but he didn’t let go, and Riv let himself hold the moment, let Ducks hold him still and steady when his instinct was to run before it hurt either of them even more.

  Eventually he reached for the notebook, allowing Riv to turn his head away and swallow past the lump in his throat.

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  I should never have asked you to come here, but I thought maybe if I tried hard enough to say thank you, it would just come out. I thought I could force it.

  Riv shook his head. “I’m on the beach with my friends, and some hot guy keeps making out with me in the surf. I’ve got no regrets.” He shrugged a little, pushing a smile across his face, and Pryce managed to roll his eyes and look a little sad at the same time.

  You’re a terrible liar.

  Taking Pryce back to the hospital was one of the harder moments of the day, from the way their hands curled possessively around one another to the last kiss they shared outside the gate. By unspoken agreement, Riv made no offer to follow him in, to stay later, even to walk him to the door. If there was an end on the horizon, better it be a clean one.

  So you’re leaving tomorrow afternoon, right?

  “Yeah,” Riv said, leaning against the stone wall that framed the nearby gate. “Del has a regular check in with an orphanage on Indara in three days, so we have to get moving to make it there in time.”

  Would it be easier for you if we just said goodbye now?

  “Gods, Ducks…” His instinct was to reach out, but he tempered it, resting his fingers on Pryce’s arm.

  “I still want whatever I can have, okay? I can be your friend—” He cut himself off at the sharp shake of a blond head, waiting while Ducks furiously scribbled across the screen.

  I don’t want you to be my fucking friend. I want you to be my lover. And I’m sorry. If I can’t have that, then I don’t want anything. It’s too hard, especially knowing that it’s because I’m still broken .

  Riv tried to hide the way his heart clenched at the words, but he doubted he was very successful.

  Ducks pushed his chin up and ran his thumb over Riv’s lips before stepping back and writing again.

  You should want more than this.

  Riv started to protest, and Pryce clamped a hand over his mouth.

  I want more than this. He shoved the notebook into his pocket, dragging Riv close and kissing him again. Before he could sort out what to say next, Ducks pushed him away and slipped through the gate.

  Riv took the tram home, missing his stop the first time and walking back through the throngs of tourists just beginning to spill out of the restaurants looking for a good club. He didn’t even consider joining them, winding his way out of the shore district and back into the houses until he found himself in front of his mother’s place. The windows were mostly dark, though he could see her moving around in her room, and Del and Bin silhouetted in the window of theirs.

  He let himself in the gate to the side yard and then into the kitchen, finding the teapot already on the stove and still warm. He poured himself a mug, not really caring what it was, and went back out to the porch, sprawling across the steps and looking out at the artistically arranged herb beds his mum worked so hard on. He remembered planting them the second year they’d lived here, after the divorce.

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  What he couldn’t remember, not in all the time he’d spent in this house, was hoping that he’d grow up to be alone.

  “Are you all right, love?” His mum came out onto the porch, the hinge of the screen door squeaking as it closed behind her.

  “Fine. Just remembering what a pain in the ass it was to build up all these beds.”

  She laughed as she sat next to him, slinging an arm over his shoulders.

  “I’m sorry it’s such a short visit, Ma. I promise I’ll try to get back here soon.” He leaned against her, into the hug, and handed her the mug of tea, which she sipped.

  “Riversong,” she said, and he winced inwardly. “Maybe we should meet somewhere else. I’d like to see Giverny, and Tasmin. I know there aren’t a lot of happy memories for you here.”

  Riv didn’t reply at first, his curiosity warring against the possibility of causing her pain. In the end, he knew he’d regret not asking. “You ever hear from Dad?”

  “Not really. He had an article published last month. Something about how survivors of child abuse process trauma in a different part of their brain than other people.” She didn’t look at him when she said it, staring into the darkened garden instead.

  Sparing her pain was one thing, but Riv couldn’t hold back the sharp bite of a dark laugh. “Well, glad to see he’s stuck with his area of expertise.”

  Riv cut himself off as her lips pressed into a thin line, no doubt holding back an apology that he didn’t want to hear again. It hadn't been her fault, any more than it had been his. “We could do that,” he said, picking up on the earlier thread of their conversation. “I have a friend who owns a house on Giverny.

  Maybe he’d let us borrow it.” Describing Lew as a friend was something of a stretch, but he was pretty sure he could talk Denny and Jess into it. “You sure you wouldn’t rather go with a friend?” His tone was teasing, lilting over the last word like the bratty child he’d never been. She laughed again, but shook her head.

  “No, and don’t you go prying into my love life, either. I just want to spend some time with my son.

  My son who ran off to the stars and never comes to see his aged mother, I might add.”

 
“Aged, my ass. I could still wind up with brothers and sisters.”

  “Good gods, no! One of you was quite enough.”

  “I was a lovely child. You should be so lucky as to raise another child as good-natured and sweet as me.”

  “Mmmm,” she snorted into the mug. “And modest as well.”

  “What can I say?”

  “Say you’ll try to be happy,” she told him, and he sighed.

  “I am. I don’t actually enjoy— Never mind. I am happy, Mum. Just trying to find my way through something right now.”

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  She hugged him again, and he let his head drop onto her shoulder.

  “I’m sorry about your young man, love.”

  But Ducks wasn’t his young man, or apparently, even a friend anymore. In a few short hours he and the crew would ship off again, and then he wasn’t sure that he’d be anything to Pryce at all. The same lump from before stuck in his throat, but there wasn’t anything behind it. He didn’t cry, wrapped in his mum’s arms, but he buried his head against her shoulder and wished for a long time that he could.

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  Chapter Nine

  One day he would probably get around to not pushing his luck to the absolute bitter end, but apparently that day was a little too late in coming. The transport hover had been barely crawling down the mine-riddled main street of what had once been a thriving town when it was suddenly surrounded by armed men. Well-armed men, the sight of whom was more than enough to send the car’s driver into a wide-eyed and muttering panic.

  Riv forced himself to stay still, hands in plain view on the dashboard. He wasn’t armed; neither was the driver nor the translator. “What now?” he asked quietly, eyes flicking from the driver to the group now standing on all four sides of the car, guns at the ready.

  “They kill us and dump our bodies in a mass grave,” said Morai, his translator.