Love Rebuilt

by Delancey Stewart

  “I’ll probably pour coffee on him.” Miranda stared at the countertop, looking doubtful beneath her dark-framed glasses.

  “Hey,” I said, drawing her eyes up again. “You’re a gorgeous funny woman. He should be so lucky.”

  She half-smiled.

  “Just go chat.”

  “Easier said than done.” She picked up the coffee pot and walked slowly around the counter. I could tell she was working hard not to trip.

  My brother’s eyes were on me the second I glanced back over. He raised a hand to signal me and I headed back to his table.

  If Cam was going to treat me like any other waitress, I’d treat him like any other customer. “Have we decided?” I asked brightly. “The tuna melt is great, by the way.”

  Cam’s eyes narrowed. “You hate tuna,” he said.

  For some reason, that small admission that he did know me, that I was not just a waitress, nearly crippled me. But I wouldn’t let him see it. I smiled even wider. “True,” I quipped. “But not everyone shares my awesome taste.”

  Jess smiled, but Cam simply ordered a cheeseburger and soda.

  “For you?” I said, addressing Jess.

  “Just an iced tea, please,” she said.

  “Eat something.” Cam’s voice had changed and I took a second to try to figure out what was going on. His voice was almost a plea, and he’d reached a hand across the table to his wife. “Please.”

  She shrugged. “I guess I’ll try the tuna melt, then.”

  Cam looked relieved and I went to put their order in. Cam didn’t look at me or speak to me as I brought their drinks, and a bit later, their food. But Jess was always ready with a welcoming smile. My shift ended while they ate, and I took some time to clean myself up in the bathroom, to reapply a bit of lip-gloss. It felt like a thin defense against whatever might be coming.

  Miranda had been standing at Chance and Sam’s table for at least five full minutes, and I watched as Chance said something that made her laugh. She was adorable, and I hoped Chance could see it. He was engaged in the conversation, his light eyes on her face, and his posture opened toward her. Sam wasn’t ignoring her either, and I wondered for a moment if she might just have her choice of the village’s two most eligible brothers. Miranda deserved it. As I watched, though, she seemed to stumble over her own foot, taking a huge step back as she braced herself on the edge of their table. The coffee pot skittered across the tabletop spewing its contents and knocking Sam’s plate into his lap as the silverware hit the floor with a clatter.

  I rushed over with a towel to help as Sam was getting up. He was using his napkin to stop the tide of coffee spreading toward him across the table from the spinning pot. Chance got up too, but he was at Miranda’s side, holding her arm. “Are you okay?” he asked.

  Miranda was blushing furiously, “Fine, fine,” she managed, leaning forward to retrieve the pot.

  I sopped up the spill with a towel, and Miranda gathered the plates and turned on her heel, disappearing into the kitchen. A quick glance at Chance found him watching her go. “She’s pretty adorable,” I suggested.

  Chance’s smile widened, but Sam added, “She’s kind of a disaster.” He did not look amused at the pie and coffee staining his khaki pants.

  “That’ll wash right out,” I told him.

  “Thanks Maddie,” Chance said, leaving a twenty on the table anyway. “Will you make sure Miranda gets her tip?”

  “Sure thing,” I told him. They left and I knew Miranda would be beating herself up in the back, but I needed to get back to my brother.

  Cam and Jess had finished, their dishes pushed to the end of the table. Jess hadn’t touched her food. I removed the plates and dodged quickly into the kitchen. Miranda was peering into the small round mirror on the wall, smoothing her hair.

  “It’s safe, they’re gone,” I told her.

  She turned wide blue eyes on me. “I’m mortified,” she said. “I told you I was a mess around him.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think he cares,” I told her. “He didn’t look upset in the least. He watched every step you took away from him. There might be something there.” I hugged Miranda as her face cleared and her smile grew.

  “Hopefully Sam hasn’t already told him any horrible stories from school.” Her lips pulled into a comical frown.

  “I didn’t know you went to school with Sam.”

  “He graduated the year ahead of me. He was always popular, and I was always tripping on things and embarrassing myself.” She looked at her feet. “So nothing’s changed, really.”

  “I’m sure a lot has changed,” I told her. “And besides, Chance can draw his own conclusions. I have to go find out why my brother drove all the way up here,” I told her. “Can’t be good.”

  Her expression changed as she peered through the kitchen window to glance at my brother and Jess standing by the door. “Good luck?” she said, looking as uncertain as I felt.

  We went outside and I turned to Cam. “Do you want to follow me up to the trailer?”

  “Trailer?”

  “Oh. Yeah, the house isn’t finished. I’m staying in a trailer for a bit.”

  “It won’t sleep all three of us.”

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I tried to imagine Cam and his tiny wife being happy on the bunks in the back. “Um, it does have bunk beds.”

  Cam ran a hand over his short hair and looked around. “I don’t care at all…I mean, I hadn’t planned for us to stay anyway.” He was looking at Jess, who was sagging slightly at his side. “But Jess is tired.”

  She smiled, but there was something else in her face, something that made me worry about her. Something was wrong here.

  “There’s a lodge up here now,” I said, pointing to the end of the parking lot. “It’s the slow season, I’m sure they have room.”

  Cam nodded and Jess looked relieved. “I’ll get Jess settled and then I’ll follow you. Can you wait?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “Maddie, it was so nice to meet you officially,” Jess said. Her voice was sincere as she hugged me again. She felt so thin and insubstantial. I reminded myself to bring them some of Frank’s cookies. Here was a girl who could stand to gain a few pounds.

  “You too, Jess. Thanks for keeping in touch.” I whispered it into her ear and she smiled back at me as she walked away at my brother’s side.

  I settled on a bench outside the diner to enjoy the afternoon sun and contemplate the reason why my brother had come all this way to talk to me when clearly I was the last person he wanted to speak to on Earth.

  *

  After twenty minutes, Cameron returned. “Let’s go.”

  He climbed into a massive forest green truck and started it as he watched me climb into my little SUV. Somehow I couldn’t imagine him driving that huge thing in Los Angeles, but I guessed that on LA freeways, you have to stake your claim. And no one would tangle with a truck that size.

  I led Cam back to the trailer, trying hard to stay calm while simultaneously preparing myself for whatever he might be here to say. It couldn’t be good.

  Cam got out of his truck at the top of the hill and looked around with wide eyes. He glanced over the trailer and the half-erected building and focused on the trees and the land. I could see him watching himself play as a child, his eyes following shadows of us running and whooping and leaping, through the ferns and over logs. We were wild up here, and we were partners. Always together. Always a team.

  Until now.

  His gaze fell on me, and for a split second he smiled, and I knew he saw me as I was. As we were together. But then the curtain fell over his eyes again. And I was shut out.

  “It’s the same,” Cam said. “It all looks the same. Except this monstrosity.” He pointed at the foundation and frame of Jack’s house. My house. He sat at the table and I sat across from him.

  I bowed my head. “I know.” I had to try. Maybe if he knew that I could acknowledge my mistakes, maybe that would be a
start. “Cam, I know I messed up. I know you needed me, and…”

  “That doesn’t matter.” He interrupted me. “Yeah, you fucked up. And I’m still pissed off about it. But I didn’t come up here to talk about any of that. I need you now.”

  I stared at him. His face was still an impenetrable mask. “What do you mean?”

  “Jess is sick. And I can’t afford to get her what she needs while I’m paying for Dad’s care. I need you to step up. Do what you haven’t done in three years. Be a daughter. Be my sister.”

  Warring emotions boiled inside me, but I was afraid to tell Cam how unfair his words were because he might walk out of my life again. “I wanted to be both,” I said. My voice sounded weak and I hated myself for it.

  “Where is Jack?” Cam asked after a long silence.

  “We’re divorced.”

  He nodded. “I assume you’re doing fine, though. He had a pretty solid cash flow, I’m guessing.”

  “He did. He does.”

  “And you?”

  I shook my head. “Cam, I live in a trailer.”

  He dropped his head into his hands, his elbows on the tabletop. “God, Maddie. Tell me you can afford to take care of Dad.”

  The pain in his voice shredded me. If I thought I’d felt desperation before, it was nothing compared to what I felt ripping me into tiny pieces now. “I don’t know.”

  “When you could, you wouldn’t be bothered. And now? Now that I really need it?”

  I searched myself, as if I might find some reserve of resources that I’d just forgotten about. But no reserve existed. If it did, everything would be different. Everything would have been different before Cam showed up. “Things have changed a lot for me, Cam. I want to help, though. Maybe if Dad moved to…”

  “Forget it.” Cam said, standing. “Just forget I ever came. Go back to whatever frivolous thing you’re doing with your life now. Go back to pretending you don’t have a family.”

  “Hey,” I said, standing and blocking his path to his truck. “You’re the one who quit calling, quit telling me what was going on.”

  “You didn’t care.”

  “I did care.”

  “Your husband didn’t.”

  “No. And I was weak. And stupid. And maybe I needed some help to see it.” I paused, feeling myself building some momentum. It felt good to blame him, to finally get out some of the anger I felt at his disappearance from my life. After what he’d just told me, I knew it was unfair, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Maybe I was the one who needed some help. But you never thought of that. You decided to abandon me, Cam! Where were you?”

  Cam stared at me, shock on his face as he considered my words. Then he shook his head, a sad smile crossing his face. “Don’t turn this around.”

  He climbed into the truck and slammed the door. The window slid down and he glared at me. “We’ll be here tonight because Jess can’t handle another long car ride right now. But we’re leaving tomorrow. Just forget you saw me.”

  The truck roared off down the road, leaving me in its dusty wake. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched my big brother leave me, turning his back on me in person this time as I stood alone on top of my wretched hill.

  *

  There was little consolation for the mood that Cam left me in that night. I moped around the lot a bit, standing in my unbuilt house and staring out the nonexistent windows, looking for glimpses of my childhood self, hiding behind tree trunks. But I wasn’t out there anymore, and neither was my big brother. I was truly alone up here.

  Images of Connor’s smile drifted through my mind. I couldn’t help but let myself linger mentally in front of his warm fire, in the glow of his attention. I didn’t want to need a man to make me feel good, to make me feel like my life wasn’t swirling down the bowl. Hell, after what Jack had done, I didn’t want to need anyone.

  But I had to face the fact that I needed some help at the moment. I couldn’t let Cam struggle alone under the weight of Dad’s care and whatever Jess needed. I needed to help. If I didn’t, I knew Cam would leave for good, and I’d never hear from him again. My brother was stubborn, and when he thought he was right he could freeze out the most convincing arguments. And I didn’t have any convincing arguments. I’d stayed away when I should have been close. I’d left him to handle things I should have helped with. I had to help now, but I had blessed few options as to how to do it.

  I did have one option, but I didn’t like it at all. I had the option Jack would choose without a second thought. I could sell that picture to Jack’s friend in Los Angeles. It would mean the end of any relationship with Connor, certainly. It would be a total betrayal—one he didn’t deserve at all. But it would save my relationship with my brother. Wasn’t family the most important thing?

  I shook my head fiercely, putting the thought from my mind. I had one more thing to try first—I needed to speak to my lawyer.

  I made the call, dialing my lawyer’s number from memory. Her receptionist picked up and connected me, and I took a deep breath as she said hello.

  “Maddie, I’m making good headway,” she assured me. “I’ve gotten Jack’s lawyer to push forward the paperwork for the deed.”

  “That’s good,” I said. I was glad to have everything in my name, as it was supposed to be in the first place, but it didn’t help me much in the short term. “The account? Any progress there?”

  “No,” she said. “I wish I had a different answer for you on that.”

  My hopes fell. “Right. Well.”

  “Hang in there, Maddie. This isn’t over. I still have some avenues to pursue there, and it’s always possible that Jack will have a change of heart.”

  “That requires a heart.”

  I hung up and then picked up the phone once more, self-loathing forming a deep acidic pool in my gut.

  He picked up after one ring. “Hi Jack.”

  “Hello, love. What can I do for you?”

  That was a loaded question. But I didn’t want to linger on the phone any longer than was necessary, so I skipped the retaliatory banter and just moved to the point. “How much would your friend pay for the picture? The one you saw in the library.”

  “Ah, you’re finally coming around.”

  “I’m just asking, Jack.”

  “It’s a smart move. Easy money, Maddie. It will solve everything.”

  “Answer the question or tell me you don’t know.”

  “I mentioned it to him already. He said he’d pay between fifty and a hundred.”

  “Thousand?” I was shocked. I’d expected an answer around ten thousand.

  “No. Pennies, love. Of course thousand.” Jack sounded amused. I could practically see the condescending smile he wore.

  I swallowed hard. “Okay. Thanks.”

  “You selling then?”

  “I haven’t decided.”

  “I think you have.”

  “I’ll let you know.” I hung up, my mind reeling. A hundred thousand dollars would change everything. It would take care of my dad for the rest of his life, it might finish the house, or it could ensure that Jess got the very best care. Jack had much, much more, and I’d gotten used to spending freely. But since I’d been on my own again, I’d come back to my roots. And the Turner family knew the value of a dollar.

  But could I really betray Connor that way? Was I willing to give up on the delicate foundation we’d built when my gut told me there was a chance there for something deeper, something real? For a moment I considered asking his permission. Maybe if I just told him what I was thinking, and why…but after everything he’d been through lately, I didn’t think he’d appreciate knowing I was even considering it. This choice was all or nothing. I could sell and give up any hope of something happening between Connor and I…or I don’t sell and risk never regaining my relationship with my brother. It was an impossible situation, and as usual, my ex-husband was at the center of it.

  I didn’t think I could do it. But a new idea was forming. Maybe I cou
ld get another photo of Connor, one that could have been taken by any number of people. I’d have to get him outside his house, obviously, but it was feasible. Ideas churned through my mind as I envisioned myself staking him out, hiding in his bushes and waiting for him to leave. What if I called him, asked him to come to the trailer, and took pictures of him as he walked to his car? He wouldn’t know it was me that had taken them. And I could come up with some explanation for why I wasn’t at the trailer when he arrived. Or I could say I’d meet him there, that I was just running a quick errand in town.

  I couldn’t decide what to do, so I wandered the worn path through the trailer a few more times. I thought about Connor’s warm smile again, and let my mind run over the way his skin felt under my hands, the way the low rumble of his voice sent little flares of warmth racing through me. The money his picture would bring could save me financially, but I wondered if Connor himself might save me in other ways. Save me from the self-doubt that a controlling husband had caused—still caused. Maybe save me from a lonely trailer-dwelling spinsterhood in which I would be surrounded by cheap boxed wine and thirty cats.

  As much as I might need saving in all those ways, in the short term, to solve the issues at hand, what I needed was money. And for that, what I needed was work, not a quick buck at someone else’s expense. And not low-tip-scoring diner work. I needed a plan. Dad’s voice sounded in my head as I let my mind turn in slow circles, lining up my abilities and situation with potential opportunities.

  I couldn’t fix what had happened between Cam and me, but I could try. And even if I couldn’t mend what was broken between us, I had no choice but to repair the cracks in my own life. I couldn’t sit here on the side of a mountain forever, no matter what Connor and I might become. And I decided with certainty there was no way I’d sell him out just to put a quick Band-Aid on what was broken between Cam and me. He didn’t deserve that, and we both deserved a chance to see what might happen between us.